I am the Goddess of Caffeine, formerly known as Jenni Golden. I would have been the Goddess of All Things Caffeinated, but apparently that's too long. Anyway. My nicknames include, but are not limited to: The official CHEESE devil (Thank you Jasmine), Bitch, Slut, Whore (I hope you die Cookstown assholes), Jen Jen (You can die too Brayden), The Almighty Goddess of All Things Caffeinated (Duh), Your Eminence, Your Greatness, Your Majesty, Your Excellency, Your Highness, Your Royalness, Your Superiority, Your Fabulousness, My Liege, Your Imperialness, Your Magnificence, Your Regalness, etc. (Nobody really calls me any of those, but I wish they would!)

Scared yet?

Yes, In case you're wondering, I am conceited. But that's not the point. Let's see, what do you need to know about me? I'm fourteen. I can read and write and actually enjoy doing both (Ooh! Ah!) I think that Josh Hartnett, Spike, Angel, Heath Ledger, and Usher are hot. Anyone, who dares to think otherwise, will be hunted down and brutally beaten to death with a long pointy stick. Yes, I am also violent.

Okay. If you're not scared yet, you should be.

My real name is Jenni. I live in the rapidly expanding town of Jenniville (For more information on how you can become a part of Jenniville, call: 1 - 800 - CAFFEINE, or email me) in the province of Jennitario, in the country of Jenniland, on the planet of jENNi, in the galaxy of the Lollipop (I moved from Milkshake a few weeks ago) in the universe of the Caffeinated. If you're looking for nice new place to live, there are plenty of other unpopulated galaxies in my universe that you could consider: Ice Cream, Sugar, chocolate.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the answer to the question pondered over for centuries: Why do I write fanfiction? And the answer is: Because I have nothing better to. Sure I could tell you it's because I love Harry Potter, and when I grow up I want to marry him and have his children, but that would be a lie. And lying is a bad thing. I hate Harry Potter with a passion. I hope that he dies a slow and horrible death in the seventh book, so that we can all have our entertainment, and there can never be a sequel. If I were to randomly meet a guy who's name happened to be Harry Potter, I would carve out his heart with a spoon and force-feed it to him. And now you're probably all looking at your computer screens, shocked that someone a wondrous as me could be so evil. Don't worry. You'll get over it. I know I did.

Now you're probably wondering what some one as great as me does in her spare time when she's not pretending to write stories for fanfiction.net. I talk to my friends and I dance. That's all. Now y'all think I'm boring. But hey! I'm not boring, 'cause I don't need to get drunk or high to have fun. Wow! I'm special! And I have friends too! *Dances a happy little jig*

Here's a list of quotes that I have deemed worthy enough of being on my bio.

"Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree." debsfunpages.com

"Then they'll say 'what the hells wrong with you?' and I'll say 'nothings wrong with me, what the hells wrong with you?' And then they'll look at me like I'm weird, and ya know what? They're right." Me, on a normal day

"If you don't like the way I drive, GET OFF THE SIDEWALK! bumper sticker

"Patience grasshopper." Gilmore Girls Commercial

"I heard you was ugly, but DAMN! Gunn, Angel

"Yes the universe does revolve around me! Keychain

"Conversations over, hell-bitch!" Buffy, Buffy the Vamp - Ass Kicker

"What is this asshole day?" Kat, 10 Things I Hate About You

"You're an amazing dancer, and a great choreographer, but as a boyfriend, you kinda suck." Jody, Center Stage

"You're asking me out? That is so cuuuuute! What's your name again?" Bianca, 10 Things I Hate About You

"Do you even know my name screw boy?" Kat, 10 Things I Hate About You

"You're just jealous 'cause the voices picked me!" Me, on a good day

"Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich." My theory

"Guys have feelings too, but like, who cares?" variation: Guys have feelings too, but no one really gives a fuck now do they?

"I'm just like you, only better" the conceit of me

"Nothing better to do" Memories of Grade 8

"Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, hate me 'cause your boyfriend picked me up last night."

"I'm not insane, the straitjacket is a fashion statement!!" Yes. I'm crazy

"Heaven won't have me, and hell is afraid I'll take over!"

"Never underestimate the malice of a blonde, especially if she's smiling." I'm blonde

"Someday your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn and was too stubborn to ask for directions."

"You appear to be under the false impression that I give a fuck."

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

"Bounce! Bounce again! Bounce HIGHER!" the insanity of me

"Ooh! The intelligence!" Me in a good mood

"He broke my heart, I broke his jaw." me in another good mood

"I hear voices, and they don't like you!"

"I saw a leprechaun, he told me to BURN THINGS!" Ralph, The Simpsons

"I do what the voices in my head tell me too."

"I'm not a bitch, I just don't like you." Me in yet another good mood. I seem to be having a lot of those lately.

"Cry me a river. Build me a bridge. And either get over it or jump off." Claudine, AKA Nayanya Potter

"First, we'll burn the house to the ground, then we'll collect the insurance money. Plus, fire, pretty." Buffy, Buffy the Vamp - Ass Kicker,

"I'm not conceited, because conceit is a flaw, and I'm flawless." Jamie, my hairdresser

"I was just driving. Those THINGS were in the way." "Those things were pedestrians."

"Pissing the world off, one person at a time." Me/Claudine

"Yes, I am the hottest thing to walk the goddamned planet!" The conceit of ME

"One boy at a time? Who came up with that shit?"

"Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere." Bumper Sticker

"Rehab is for quitters."

"I have a degree in liberal arts - would you like fries with that?"

"Discourage inbreeding. Ban country music."

"Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh."

"If there is no God, then who pops up the next kleenex?"

"Well this day was a total waste of make up."

"Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after."

"Do I look like a people person?"

"If I throw a stick will you leave?"

"therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap."

"I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes."

"Does your train of thought have a caboose?"

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a bad mood for the last fourteen years."

"Allow me to introduce my selves."

"Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them."

"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

"Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?"

"Back off! You're standing in my aura."

"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one..."

"Don't worry! I forgot your name too."

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."

"Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?"

"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

"Too many freaks. Not enough circuses."

"Chaos, pain, disorder, my work here is done."

"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

"Is it time for your medication or mine?"

"Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?"

"I plead contemporary insanity."

"It ain't the size, it's the... No. It's the size."

"Meandering to a different drummer..."

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day."

"I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them."

"Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not."

"Please don't make me kill you."

"I used to be schizophrenic. But we're all better now."

"Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time."

"Grow your own dope. Plant a man."

"Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway."

"He's not dead. He's electoencephalographically challenged."

"All men are animals. Some just make better pets."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

'I used to have a handle on life. But it broke."

"Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?"

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."

"Always remember: You're unique. Just like everyone else."

Here are some thing that only women understand.

Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

A good man may be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack may be considered a "peak life experience."

Here are some things that PMS could stand for.

Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Anybody who is still reading this after all of that is obviously high or crazy. Congratulations! I'll send flowers to the asylum.

For anyone who actually cares: I will eventually update my story. I'm having a bit of writer's block.

If you read my story because you like Harry Potter, I'd stop right now before it gets much worse. I will either have him die a slow and horrible death involving lots and lots of blood where he will then burn in hell for all eternity where Claudine can torture him, or I will have him fall down a long flight of stairs and break every bone in his body while still managing to live a long and healthy life paralyzed from the neck down. Yes ladies, that means everything below his neck will cease to function. And I mean EVERYTHING! *Grins evilly and bursts into hysterical laughter* Run! Run while you still can!

I sincerely hope that you people enjoy reading my story. I hope that you enjoy it so much that you will review. Because people that don't review will be hunted down and killed. And if you think what I have planned for Harry Potter is bad, just wait till you see what I have in store for you! Sweet dreams!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Bounce!

So just remember to review my story, and no one gets hurt!

Luv ya!

~*~*~*~The Goddess Of Caffeine~*~*~*~