Let me see. . .
I was born about 19 summers ago on the little known island of Scotland but was tradgically lost to all my loved ones in a freak snow storm at the age of three.5. the storm left me lost and confused and in no way complety sane. Fortunatley for myself a kind american family, who were by pure coincidence holidaying in the area (somewhere west of bolivia), found me and took me in. After living in Seattle for 7 years i decided that this life was not for me. I made an arrangement with a child from the apartment two doors down from where i was living (with the americans) and for a lump sum of 3 dollars and a nickel followed by monthly payments to the sum of US$213.24 she agreed to take my place and the bird flew from the nest. I wandered from town to town across the countryside revelling in my new found freedom and making my living from selling the lead i stole from rooves. And then one day i fell in love with the most beautiful creature in the universe. She was 5ft2" and had hair down to her waist. within seconds i was at her feet licking her toenails. Her response to my open admission of affection she in turn let me know of her feelings of desire for me. She kicked in the ear and said those perfect words. "what the hell do you think your doing?". From then on i followed her everywhere. Her house, her school, even to the swimming pool change rooms. eventually, though our feelings for each other were still strong, i knew it must end. I think the exact moment i knew it was over was when she had the cops arrest me (how was i to know she didnt like roadkill) and they sent me back to live with my retired postal worker of a Grandmother, Ditzcat, and her current lesbian partner. Things worked out well between us and she relised my true potential and genius and agreed to send me to a special school for me and other people as special as myself.
And so i end this story leaving you with the sound knowledge that i am safe and well and spending my time with my next door neighbour, Miss frizz and her strange twisted friend Andrei.
Time went by and one day MF (thats miss frizz for those with us who aren't smart enough to make the connection themselves) said "hey i know lets go to the zoo" so even though i thought the idea really really needed rethinking possibly with a machete, a can of kerosine and a good old fashioned peice of steel and flint i said "Ok, can we leave Andrei behind?" And as he was currently looking very happy discussing literature with a spatula Missy Frizzy decided that leaving him at home was probably the most humane option at our disposal. Well we went out and got into this really red, hot, shiny, red, car
and drove into the sunset. That is until we realised that the zoo was in the opposite direction and did a uie. The zoo was cool, there were lots of rhododendrums, agapanthias and there was this really agro grevillea that was going crazy so i threw some peanuts at it and it had a heart attack or something. It stopped moving anyway. This really weird guy came up to us and started harrasing us about purcases or something. I don't know. The place was staring to get dark and for some reason, despite the fact that there weren't any clouds it had started to rain. we drove back home only to discover when we opened the door that the entire floor was covered in roughly 5 inches of water. I asked Andrei about it but he just muttered something about conflicting veiws on the meaning of Ovid's Metamorphasis and then bolted through the door. After a bit of trial and error i discovered the source of the water. It was a plumber with his hand down my toilet. I asked him if he knew anything about about these oval butterflies but he just handed me a bent spatula and said "heh well theres yor problem love. that'll be $5090 tah."

Finitius