Nero2498
 Name: None of your damn business Age: None of your damn business Likes: Video games, my friends, sour foods, sweets, rock music, and well-written books/fics. Favorite books: I've only read about five that stuck with me. The Inheritance Cycle, and Graceling. Inheritance Cycle consists of Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and Inheritance. Monster Hunter/Naruto Challenge Fire Emblem Awakening/Naruto Naruto/Yu-Gi-Oh "So you've reached this battlefield. Admirable. Tell me, what is your reason to fight? Show me the resolve in your blade. Now, let us begin, and may the better warrior win!" Of course I'm out of my mind! It's bright in there! Normal people worry me. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it. FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food. Spelling Rant 1) There is, in fact, a difference between OFF and OF. OFF means that something isn't right, has fallen from a location, or missed the point it was supposed to hit. In conjunction with other terms, however, it can mean insane, proper usage of this term would be: OFF target, OFF the wall, or OFF his rocker. OF means where something or someone is from, how important it may be, or a part of the title, proper usage of this term would be: He was the only one left alive out OF his entire family, King OF England, or He is OF noble birth. 2) There is also a difference between THERE, THEY'RE, and THEIR. THERE refers to a location specifically, or in the identification of an assailant or anything of the sort, proper usage of this term would be as such: He went over THERE, THERE is the house, THERE is the murderer. THEY'RE is a conjunction of the pronoun THEY and the verb ARE, proper usage of this term would be as such: THEY'RE home, THEY'RE at the mall, THEY'RE leaving. THEIR refers to a possession, or a group of people, proper usage of this term would be: This is THEIR house, That is THEIR car, and He is THEIR friend. 3) There is also a difference between WHERE, WERE, and WE'RE. WHERE is the term showing location, oftentimes found with the words are or were, proper usage of this term would be: WHERE is the house, WHERE is the phone, WHERE are you at. WERE is the past tense of the word are, meaning that if you are at a mall, and someone asks you where you're at, you would use are, but if you WERE at the mall, meaning you left it, you would say were, proper usage of this term would be: Where WERE you at, Where WERE they, or WERE you at the park/mall/store. WE'RE is a conjunction of the words WE and ARE, proper usage of this would be: WE'RE going to the store, WE'RE killing time, or WE'RE just fine. 4) The final difference tonight, because it's 11:49, are YOUR, and YOU'RE. YOUR refers to something that belongs to you, proper usage of this term would be: This is YOUR homework, That is YOUR home, or That is YOUR computer. YOU'RE on the other hand, is a conjunction of the words YOU and ARE, proper usage of this term would be: YOU'RE going to leave the room, YOU'RE at the store, or YOU'RE killing time. 5) Okay, what the FUCK makes it so hard to tell the difference between DEFINITELY and DEFIANTLY, or DEFINITE and DEFIANT? DEFINITE means that something will happen, while DEFIANT means that you or someone else is going against something. Examples: I will DEFINITELY get to the house on time. When you argued with your parents when you were younger, that's called being DEFIANT! GET IT FUCKING RIGHT ALREADY PEOPLE!!! I have seen this goddamn, motherfucking, piece of shit mistake so often, that if I had a penny for every time I've seen it, I would be richer than BILL MOTHERFUCKING GATES! 6) What the fuck makes it so hard to spell Inuzuka? Come on fucktards, spell it with me now, I-N-U-Z-U-K-A. Got it memorized? It's not I-N-A-Z-U-K-A, I-N-U-Z-A-K-A or I-N-A-Z-A-K-A. 7) Is it really that hard to spell MADARA? Most people who can't spell it call him MADERA. Now spell it with me dumbfucks, M-A-D-A-R-A, not M-A-D-E-R-A! 8) Alright shitheads, today's show features the proper way to spell UZUMAKI, NAMIKAZE, and TSUNADE. It's not UZAMAKI, UZUAMKI, or anything like that, spell it with me now, dumbfucks U-Z-U-M-A-K-I. And then there's NAMIKAZE, butchered as NAMIZAKE or NAMIKAZI, spell it with me shitters, it's N-A-M-I-K-A-Z-E. Finally, we have TSUNADE, often fucked up as TSUANDE, now let's spell, bed wetting pissants, T-S-U-N-A-D-E! 9) Yeah, it's been a while since I added something to this list, but now I've seen another mistake enough times to get pissed. DOGE, the chief magistrate in the former republics of Venice and Genoa. DODGE, to get the fuck out of the way when someone's trying to fucking hit you. 10) Okay, yet another one that pisses me off. DESCENT and DECENT. DESCENT is going down, metaphorically (His DESCENT into darkness. His DESCENT into madness. His DESCENT into evil.) or literally going down (Their DESCENT into the mineshaft. Their DESCENT into the ocean.) DECENT, however, means someone or something is okay, or someone is dressed. (He's a DECENT guy. She's a DECENT person. Wait until I'm DECENT! Then I'll head out.) 11) MOTHERFUCKERS! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MISTAKE HALLOW FOR HOLLOW?!?!?!?!?! HALLOW is something sacred (HALLOWED ground, HALLOWED be Thy name, etc.) HOLLOW is empty, be it metaphorically or literally (She looked into the man's eyes, finding nothing, he was HOLLOWED from his experiences. The HOLLOW man continued with his day-to-day life, never really feeling anything, just going through the motions. There was a HOLLOW in the trunk that the squirrels rested in.) 12) RUIN and RUNE. A RUIN is a place left behind, be it by the passage of time or natural disaster. (The RUINS of Egypt. The RUINS in the desert.) It can also mean a state of disrepair. (The place was in RUINS. The house was RUINED after the party.) RUNE is a form of writing, typically used to refer to mystical markings. (The RUNE shone with a bright light, then everything went black. The RUNES were the same as the ones used by his people.) Misspelling of Jinchuriki Chain Post Rant To all the piece of shit, goddamn, mentally-deficient FUCKTARDS that keep posting chain shit, I have found this shit over and over a-fucking-gain, and the threats on them are bull-fucking-shit! I have never re-fucking-posted, and I'm still alive and kicking. On that parting note, to all chain posters, go fuck yourselves with a rusty, venom-coated, piece of shit butter knife! Have a shitty life, assholes, and may you ever be fucked over with shitty as fuck luck, motherfuckers! K-rated Naruto Fics Are you people fucking retarded?! Any series with death, and blood, is a MINIMUM T-rating. Especially Naruto. A boy punches not one, but TWO HOLES in another boy's chest because the other boy was in the way of his revenge. And there's a big-ass fucking war! Let me repeat that for the mentally deficient, A BIG-ASS FUCKING WAR!! Wars are minimum T-rating. You don't even get to study the biggest until High School, and even then, it isn't until your SENIOR-FUCKING-YEAR! In the US anyway. Not to mention the big-ass fucking war and two holes in the chest are GODDAMN CANON!!! Honestly, calling you guys retarded is an insult of the highest caliber. To ACTUAL, medically-diagnosed retards. At least THEY can't help themselves. You have the choice in rating, and your judgement, should you make a K-rated Naruto fic, is HIGHLY questionable. If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile. (Every author who makes a K-rated Naruto fic Or K-rated Harry Potter fic.) If you think your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile. 20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile. If you know (a) video game character(s) or video game weapon(s) that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile. A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who do know and wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile. If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile. 93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're an idiot I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on Ebay Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works The funniest thing about this sentence is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late to stop reading it, stupid "I'm just here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...and I'm outta bubble gum." "You know, I once read that in a fortune cookie." "Screw you guys, I'm going home." -Cartman "Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" "You Bastards!" -Kyle and Stan. There are many reasons for drinking, And one has just entered my head, If a man cannot drink when he’s living, How the hell can he drink when he’s dead? You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his Numquam me dicent mordebit ut a lamia. - Never say 'bite me' to a vampire If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it People are morons. I don't have any other explanation. I really don't The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Bug me and you're dead... Touch me, you'll wish you were dead, try to talk to me for no god damn reason, and You'll die, go to hell, and come back just to repeat the process. Got that? Advertising Blunder of the Century: Naming a condom after a city that is famous for letting its greatest enemy penetrate through its legendary walls to destroy all in its path in the guise of a victory prize. Lesson: There is no such thing as safe sex People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. Those who wonder what happened. Congratulations on being the captain of the third group Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them Straight is something crooked that was bent Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! I want revenge. Is that so wrong? Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done "Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government has been lying to us about 9/11." Huey Freeman The problem with reality is a lack of background music Last night I played a blank tape on full blast. The mime next door went nuts 92% of teenagers have turned to Hip Hop and Pop. If you are part of the 8% that still listen to real music, copy and paste this message to your profile. DON'T LET THE SPIRIT OF ROCK DIE! "That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill "Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Anonymous “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: ‘Cover for me.’ Number 2: ‘Oh, good idea, Boss!’ Number 3: ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Homer Simpson - The Simpsons “Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons "Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig "The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton “This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves - Clerks "Guns don't kill people... but they sure help." “There’s only two men I trust. One of 'em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe - Con Air "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush "Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back "That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously." "Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly." "I don't drink from the fountain of wisdom, I gargle." "Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?" "I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin "A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet." "No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago) "If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place." "If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin "Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory." "I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees." "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." "You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse) "Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years." "Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube) "And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks "We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur "Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle "Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse." "There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life." "I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize." "I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple." "There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!" Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?" Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag." Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade." Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue "Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling." "Shotgun to the face is a great contingency plan! Wanna see how it cures insubordination?" Sarge - Red vs. Blue "You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte "Do you know why Americans love guns? And it's got nothing to do with all that phallic mumbo-jumbo, "cocking your gun." No, Hertz, people love guns because America is a land of opportunity where a poor man can become rich and a pussy can become a tough guy if he's got a gun in his hand." Mr. Hammerson - Shoot 'Em Up "You know what I really hate? What I really hate, is a pussy with a gun in his hand." Mr. Smith - Shoot 'Em Up "Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that." "Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid." "You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee - Fullmetal Alchemist "Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House - House "I've run over black cats that were luckier than me." "Thank God I wore underwear today." Derek Zoolander - Zoolander "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen "A.A. was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis-DNA." Charlie Sheen "Dying is for fools... amateurs." Charlie Sheen "C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen "If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! I can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from this, uh... this terrestrial realm." Charlie Sheen "I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen "Experience isn't something you get until right after you need it." "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money." "Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." "I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions." "There's a new sheriff in town... and he has an army of assassins." "I just had a brainstorm." "I wasn't aware storms could exist in a vacuum." "I wake up in the morning and piss excellence." Fit Tony: "That's why I keep my friends close-." Homer Simpson: "-And your enemies closer?" Fit Tony: "No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me." "Just because you sold seven million albums doesn’t mean you’re talented. It just means that there are seven million people that are stupid as hell." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks "Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard." "If it doesn't kill you, use it and kill somebody else..." "I want a shirt that just says "f* you" on it, and I want to wear it while walking through airports all day. There's no such thing as a bad word, just bad intentions." "I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes." Jimi Hendrix "If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone - The Godfather: Part II "You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyman "That man [Batman] won't quit so long as he can draw breath. None of my teammates will. Me? I've got a different problem. [Punches Darkseid through the wall] I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. Always taking care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control, even for a moment, or someone could die. [Punches Darkseid again] But you can take it, can't you, big man? What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose, and show you just how powerful I really am." Superman just before uncorking an assbeating of a lifetime on Darkseid, reaffirming that he is indeed a bad mother f'er - Justice League Unlimited "Show me a man with a combover and I'll show you a man that believes that by crushing a bag of chips... you make more chips." Sheng Wang "My plans always work! ...Sometimes!" "Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said... 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" Ricky Bobby - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby "If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die very quickly and very suddenly under a bus or on the side of the road." Charlie - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia "I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." Peter La Fleur - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story "Saying you're a history major out loud is basically just the same thing as telling your friends, 'Yes, I do remember every dumbass thing you've ever done in front of me, and I can bring it up accurately whenever I want, so don't start.' I love it, but there's not a whole lot of good job options available for it. What the hell am I going to do, teach? I'm way too hateful to teach kids." Kenchi618 - Him at Buffalo Wild Wings after being asked by friends why he tries to major in communications instead of the other thing that he's good at "Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock "I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo - Kill Bill Vol.1 ("Money doesn't buy happiness.") Rebuttal: "...Have you ever tried not having money before?" "You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov - Lord of War You know, there's a reason guys don't have periods. It's because they'd be running naked down the street screaming 'My balls are bleeding! My balls are bleeding!'-I will not go into detail about this one Man Law 1. No wasted beer in the name of humour. 2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control 3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period. 4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home) 5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar. 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. 7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you. 8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death. 9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need. 10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets. 11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man. 12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it. 13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours. 14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favour will one day be replayed. 15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun. Addendum to Man Law No. 15: If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats. 16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober. 17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom. 18. You poke it you own it. 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men. 20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out. 21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day. 22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing). 23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar. 24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances. 25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty. 26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting. 27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies. 28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry" 29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you. 30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch. 31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day. 32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it. 33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved. 34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships. 35. Women can't drive. 36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10. 37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not. 38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support 39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past. 40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. 41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal. 42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war. 43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room. 44. Sex is more important then talking 45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm. 46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking. 47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat 48. Men will invite other men to Man Law 49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand." 50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not. 51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes. 52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza. 53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup. 54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review. 55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped. 56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn. 57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer. 58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway. 59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment). 60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality. 61. A man purse is still a purse. 62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex. 63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team. 64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life. 65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.) 66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once. 67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service. 68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone. 69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man. 70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex. 71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story. 72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring. 73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only. 74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man. 75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand. 76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men. 77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone. 78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth. 79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch. 80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice. 81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey. 82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys. 83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavoured that comes in a bottle. 84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female. 85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry. 1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph. 2. Your date is using her teeth. 3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read). 86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing. 87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away. 88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man. 89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions. 90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her. 91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO. 92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined. 93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. 94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence. 95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours. 96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw". 97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%) 98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable. 100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case. 101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it. 102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional) 104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things. 106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline. 108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response. 109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes. 110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was. 111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter. 112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status. The Situation in Hell The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell isexothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A." When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh. I'm not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing. I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser. Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. I will temporarily rule the world, forever. Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon. Don't look at me with that tone of voice! Silence is golden, duct tape is sliver. It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet. Question: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation? Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door. Genius by Birth Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. You've gotta die in creative ways. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN LIKE HELL! Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. If you mess with anything long enough, it'll break. Push something hard enough and it will fall. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Movie Quotes You see this? Huh?! NYPD! Means I will "Nock Your Punk-ass Down!" - Agent J (Men in Black) Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all woulda been eaten. 'Cause you don't listen. You ignorant. How a man gon' come bashin' thru a subway win-- That's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, we seen it all." "Oh no! A 600 ft. worm! Save us, Mr Black Man!" And I come in, I ask ya nice move to the next car! Y'all just sit there like... - Agent J (Men in Black II) Silly little planet. I could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands. - Serleena (Men in Black II) Wow, I've never seen a talking mutt before. You know in a dog show, you'd definitely take first place.-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) You sure know how to throw a party. No food, no drinks, and the only babe just left.-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) Might controls everything, and without strength, you cannot protect anything. Let alone yourself.-Vergil (Devil May Cry 3) Well, we have something in common. I have a dysfunctional family too.-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) Wo..wo-wo-wo-wo-wo, you're not going to shoot me, are you? If you do, I'll die, you know?-Jester (Devil May Cry 3) If that's what it takes to shut you up. It bugs the crap out of me when someone talks more than I do.-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) It's like staring into a backed-up toilet! Why do you always stick your nose in other families' business. Come on, dude, don't you have any hobbies?-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) Look at you, making a big dramatic entrance and stealing my spotlight!-Dante (Devil May Cry 3) Not very classy for someone's dying words.-Vergil (Devil May Cry 3) And the rest is silence.-Dante (Devil May Cry 4) You can hide that body, but the smell? Whoo! There's no covering up.-Dante(Devil May Cry 4) Check it out! It's got wings!-Dante(Devil May Cry 4) An opportunity to save the world doesn't happen everyday you know! Savor it.- Dante(Devil May Cry 4) From that day forth...my arm changed...and a voice echoed "Power! Give me more power!"...and if I become a demon, so be it...I'll endure the exile...anything, to protect her!-Nero (Devil May Cry 4) You look as if you've just been playing me from the beginning.-Nero (Devil May Cry 4) Ha! Check it out! It's got wings!-Dante (Devil May Cry 4) Nene: Go tell your master to stop being so greedy! There's plenty of Japan to go around! Why can't he learn to share? Tadakatsu Honda: I will destroy everything you throw at me. Chaos itself shall fall before my blade! - Mitshide Akechi (Samurai Warriors) I guess Lady Luck has a thing for me, too! - Magoichi Saika (Samurai Warriors) Magoichi Saika is here. Does that sound heroic or what? - Magoichi Saika (Samurai Warriors) Damn, more enemies. - Magoichi Saika (Samurai Warriors) Have your people contact my people, maybe we can stab at each other over tea! - Shingen Takeda (Samurai Warriors) Witness the true art of war! Or something to that effect. - Shingen Takeda (Samurai Warriors) Quick, pretend I'm saying something profound. - Shingen Takeda (Samurai Warriors) I think you're eating too much sugar. - Kunoichi (Samurai Warrior) Well, you didn't kill me, so there! - Hideyoshi Toyotomi (Samurai Warriros) I won't lose! Of course, the enemy is probably thinking the same thing. - Hideyoshi Toyotomi (Samurai Warriros) Honor may not win power, but it wins respect. And respect earns power. - Mitsunari Ishida (Samurai Warriros) I am not going to let that stupid, little fat man take the land from me. -Mitsunari Ishida (Samurai Warriros) Oppose my lord, get killed by me. It's that simple! - Sakon Shima (Samurai Warriors) You may be strong... but I have a very big sword. - Sakon Shima (Samurai Warriors) All according to plan; simple as that. - Sakon Shima (Samurai Warriors) Hanzo, I worry about your obsessions. Is there trouble at home? - Nene (Samurai Warriors) He he...what fools these mortals be. - Kotaro Fuma (Samurai Warriors) Aren't queens female? - PC (Dragon Age Origins) Wonderful! I can sense his terror! Oh, that will make the loving all the sweeter. - Morrigan (Dragon Age Origins) Oh, lovely. Shall we next begin rescuing little kittens from trees? - Morrigan (Dragon Age Origins) After all, no one wants to hear: "Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanisms that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder". - Brother Genitivi (Dragon Age Origins) And we crush the heads of rude women when we feel like it. Just so you know. - Shale (Dragon Age Origins) I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. - Bilbo Bagins (LotR The Fellowship of the Ring) A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to! - Gandalf (LotR The Fellowship of the Ring) There's a glass of shut the fuck up on the table. Why don't you have some?- My best friend Nobody tosses a dwarf. - Gimli (LotR The Fellowship of the Ring) Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand! Men of the West! - Aragorn(LotR The Return of the King) Arise! Arise, riders of Théoden! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered - a sword day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world's ending! Forth Éorlingas! - Theoden (LotR The Return of the King) Elrond: Ónen i-estel edain. ["I give hope to mankind"] Well this is a thing unheard of! An Elf will go underground, when a Dwarf dare not! Oh, I'd never hear the end of it! - Gimli (LotR The Return of the King) That still only counts as one! - Gimli (LotR The Return of the King) Gimli: I never thought I'd die fighting side-by-side with an elf. Gimli: Well, lad, whatever luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night. Gimli: Oh, come on! We can take 'em! A minute is all I need... (Cristina: Indeed...) Wait, that came out wrong. - Ezio Auditore (Assassin's Creed II) I'm mostly innocent! - Ezio Auditore (Assassin's Creed II) Abstergo has some really fucked up interior decorators. - Desmond Miles (Assassin's Creed II) And you, West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of "shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two." - President U. S. Grant (Wild Wild West) I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness. - Jim West (Wild Wild West) Loveless Henchman: [Doing Karate moves] I learned that from a China man This is Brainiac, the science show that had proof of the Roswell aliens but taped football over it. - Richard Hammond (Brainiac) Well, hopefully that's our job, to strap rockets onto everything! - Adam (Mythbusters) I wouldn't say Jamie's an evil genius. - Adam (Mythbusters) Tory: [after frying ballistics gel Ben Franklin] Well, we killed a dead president. If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing, right? - Tory (Mythbusters) 16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME, PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!" Repost this if you laughed... A man knows that there is a time to FIGHT, but a real man also knows that there is a time to RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!-Me before running full speed Chuck Norris Facts When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane". The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Archaeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris" When Ranma Saotome killed the Phoenix God King Saffron, Chuck Norris, being a half a world away, looked up in pride, smiled and said “that’s my boy!” Chuck Norris has a Chance in Hell. Originally the Joker was Chuck’s arch-foe, but one roundhouse kick later, his skin turned white, his hair green and he headed for Gotham. You really want to know how Joker got those scars? Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face. The reason why Outworld hadn’t went for their tenth win against Earth realm is because Raiden threatened to get Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can defeat Darkside’s optic blasts with a roundhouse kick. (There is a pic of this on Deviantart.com) Chuck got Sparda, Dante’s father, out of hell. Master Chief is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was sent ten thousand years to the past, met and married a goddess who in turn gave him a daughter. We know the child as: Sailor Moon. Chuck doesn’t wash his dishes, they get clean out of fear. Chuck Norris keeps an Alatreon as a pet. Things you shouldn't say to cops. 1. "Sorry about knocking up your wife." 2. "Oh, hey officer. Why'd ya wake me up? What? I've been asleep this whole time, I don't remember running over any crossing guards." 3. "How about I buy you a dozen donuts and you let me off the hook?" 4. "Is that a pistol in your holster or are you coming on to me?" 5. "Hey Ociffer! Whaddaya been upwards to, huh?" 6. "Oh, sure! You arrest me for drunk driving. But, when some other cop does it, you go get donuts!" 7. "You're a member of the force, right? So... where's the lightsaber?" 8. "I know that you'd much rather be drinking coffee right now, so, what's stopping you?" 9. "I'm just a student driver... Honest." 10. "So... About the whole 'You'll never take me alive' thing... That was just a joke..." 11. "Yeah, I'd like a large fries, A whopper, One milkshake... wait, no, make that two milkshakes, and a stack of flapjacks." 12. "So, I was going 120 in a school zone? Then you must have been going 125 to catch me. Good job officer... Good job." 13. "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" 14. "What do you mean 'stealing from the evidence locker is illegal'? You do it all the time!" 15. "Hell yeah! a 500 ticket! I finally broke my record!" 16. "You can smell them!" and proceed to shove box of donuts in cop's face. Twenty Questions 1: Is it an animal? No. But it still need to be approached with caution. 2: Is it a mineral? No. 3: Is it a vegetable? Yes. 4: Is it smart? No. 5: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Sometimes. 6: Is it found in the forest? Yes. 7: Is it Furyfur? Definitely not. Nor is it M or any other friend that hates it. 8: Is it awesome? Never. 9: Is it hard to find? No. 10: Does it have purple hair? No, they usually have unnatural red hair. 11: Is it a hobo? Yes but no. 12: Are they dumbasses? Oh yes. 13: Do they have bad taste? Yes. 14: Is it obvious that they've never read/watched anything good in their life? Yes. 15: Are they aware of how clueless they are? No. 16: Do other people know that they're looking at idiots when they walk by? No, because they're usually camouflaged, unless it's on their t-shirts. 17: Do they notice really obvious mistakes? No. 18: Will they ever get boyfriends/girlfriends? Boyfriends, no. Girlfriends, possibly but obviously they're not interested. 19: Do they think that all hot guys sparkle, they just use a lot of sunscreen so you can't see it during the day? I wouldn't know. 20: Is your word "Twilight fans?" Correctamundo! --Copy and paste above on your profile if you hate Twilight fans. A 15 year old girl holds hands with her 1 year old son. People call her a "slut", no one knows she was raped at age 14. People call another guy "fat", no one knows he has a serious disease causing him to be overweight. People call an old man "ugly", no one knows he experienced a serious injury to his face while fighting for our country in the war. Same Sex pairing rant Okay, all I have to say when it comes to all the yaoi fics that I have read that completely disregard canon is... ARE YOU PEOPLE ON THIS SITE RETARDED OR SOMETHING!! First off, almost all of the fics on Zack Fair from FFVII are yaoi pairings with Cloud, Reno, Sephiroth, Angeal, and any other person that is not female and Aerith. ARE YOU PEOPLE IDIOTS OR JUST SIMPLY ENJOY HUMILIATING THE POOR GUY?! He is straight and in love with Aerith! He is not, and never will be gay. Some people might say, "But he went to extreme lengths to save Cloud and attempted to save Angeal..." Well I say, "Zack would do that for just about anybody!" I would also like to point out that Zack has been referred to as a ladies man, that is a dead, and obvious giveaway that he IS NOT GAY AND NEVER WILL BE!! END OF DISCUSSION ON THIS TOPIC!! The second one is on all of those NaruSasu fics, all I have to say is that this pairing is sick and wrong on so many levels... sure, yes, they did kiss once and I'm pretty sure that all you rabid yaoi fangirls 'squeed' upon seeing this, but let's get one thing straight here. IT HAPPENED BY COMPLETE ACCIDENT! And Naruto going to extreme lengths to save him is because he practically considered Sasuke a brother! Naruto would go to extreme lengths to save any of his friends because he refuses to be alone ever again! There is also the fact that he used to always chase after Sakura, the fact that he shows interest in the opposite sex is clear and obvious proof that he IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE GAY! END OF DISCUSSION! The last one is on all of these stupid gay pairings between Ike and Soren in Fire Emblem, which I will spell out as clearly as possible with as much of my ire as possible. I admit that yes, you actually have some decent ground on this one with with Ike showing pretty much no clear romantic interest with any females in the game. But that does not mean that he's gay! It just means that the maker of the storyline did not want Ike romantically paired with anyone! Sure, Ike did hug Soren in that final conversation section before the battle with Ashera, but PLEASE! people! I know you have to be smarter than this! Soren was broken down and needed support, and if I'm not mistaken, it is okay for guys to hug without being a homosexual! I would also like to point out that the only character in Radiant Dawn that MIGHT actually be interested in the same sex would be Heather due to her rather obvious interest with characters like Nephenee and Illyana. I would also like to say... DO YOU IDIOTS EVEN KNOW THE MANNERISMS OF THE STANDARD GAY (Or at least those who are blatantly gay)? The standard gay happens to be very in touch with their feminine side and very emotional, somewhat like a woman in a man's body. Ike on the other hand, does not show much emotion at all in both Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, the same goes for Soren, Ike also seems to fall more on the masculine side of the mannerism radar, so as far as most people should be concerned neither of them are gay! They both most likely would rather not pursue any deep romantic relationships due to the fact that they would rather not get attached like that during a war! End of Rant! Copy and paste this on your profile if you support the addition of a yaoi/yuri filter, and they bring back the without word(s) function of the search. I used the aforementioned function to work as a yaoi filter, if only there wasn't so many SasuNaru fics, it would have been complete. Hell, SasuNaru has so many fics that it's considered a broad category. Quit posting this shit you rabid yaoi fangirls! If you agree that those who refuse to respect a character's sexuality are idiots, copy and paste this, and if you don't... then I'll just assume that you're a sick pervert or a rabid yaoi fangirl! The Crazy Test 1) You have screamed at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you. () (I do it when the object in question does not hurt me, but PISSES me off.) 2) You have run into a glass/screen door. () 3) You have jumped out of a moving vehicle. () 4) You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.(X) 5) You have run into a tree/bush. () 6) You have been called a blonde. () 7) You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow. (X) 8) You just tried to lick your elbow. () 9) You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody. () 10) You just sang them to make sure. () 11) You have tripped on your own feet and fallen. () 12) You have choked on your own spit. () 13) You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it. () 14) You type with three fingers or less. (X) 15) You have accidentally caught something on fire. () 16) You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose. () 17) You have caught yourself drooling. (X) 18) You have fallen asleep in class. (X) 19) Sometimes you just stop thinking. (X) 20) Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you were talking about. (X) 21) People often shake their heads and walk away from you. () 22) You are often told to use your "inside voice". (X) 23) You use your fingers to do simple math. () 24) You have eaten a bug accidentally... () 25) You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. (X) 26) You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it. (X) 27) You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time. (X) 28) You have reposted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't. () 29) You break a lot of things. (X) 30) You tilt your head when you're confused. (X) 31) You have fallen out of your chair before. () 32) When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. (X) 33) The word "um" is used. (X) 34) You don't know what "um" means. (X) 35) You say "what" and "huh" a lot. (X) 36) You're directionally impaired. (X) 37) People often think you're younger than you actually are because of the way you act. ()[Nope, it's the opposite] 38) People have accused you of having Tourette Syndrome. (X) 39) You mix up your right and left hand. () 40) When you can't describe something you resort to hand gestures. (X) 41) You make up your own words. () 42) You space out a lot. (X) 43) You've laughed so hard you couldn't breathe. (X) 44) You stare off into space a lot. (X) 45) When talking to someone, you trailed off and started mumbling to yourself. () 46) Your friends fear for your sanity. (X) 47) You can't remember what happened yesterday. (X) 48) You can't remember what happened an hour ago. (X) 49) You laugh at things that no one else thinks are funny. (X) 50) You've been called a klutz before. () 51) You spell 4 letter words wrong. () 52) You often say "Can you repeat the question?" (X) 53) You don't know how many letters are in the alphabet. () 54) You just sang it to check. () 55) You counted on your fingers. () 56) You didn't get 26 letters. () 57) When you learn a new word, you repeat it because it sounds cool. () 58) It's very easy to confuse you. () 59) People ask you if you're in the right class or grade. () 60) You rock back and forth or shake when you get nervous. () 61) Sometimes, you feel lightheaded or dizzy for no reason. () 62) You have gotten lost in your own house or backyard. () 63) You've spelled your own name wrong. () 64) You have forgotten your own name. () 65) You have forgotten your parents or best friends names before. () 66) You start stuttering when you're too hyper or exited. () 67) You have forgotten where you are or where your going. (X) 68) You don't know why you're taking this quiz. (X) 69) You're afraid of the monsters in your closet. () 70) You still have a nightlight because you're afraid of the dark. () 71) You get hit and 10 seconds later flinch. (X) 72) When someone screams you scream too. () 73) Simple or low tech things entertain you. () 74) You believe you can fly and have tried. () 75) You hurt yourself in trying to fly. () 76) You believe in leprechauns, werewolves, vampires, etc. (X) 77) When you hurt yourself, you get up and try it again only to hurt yourself again. () 78) You have taken a drink, laughed, and the drink went through your nose. () 79) You jump to conclusions that make no sense to anyone but you. () 80) You have tried to lick your ear () 81) You talk to yourself. (X) 82) You argue with yourself out-loud. (X) 83) You have a secret room where you plot your diabolical plans for world takeover. () 84) You narrate your own life or someone else's life. () 85) People call you random. (X) 86) They don't mean random in a good way. () 87) People accuse you of being high or stoned. () 88) You mess up when counting to 10. () 89) Your friends are embarrassed to hang out with you. () 90) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking. () 91) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking. () 92) You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen. () 93) People have called you slow. () 94) Your friends/family know not to use big words around you. () 95) You used a calculator to find your score for this bulletin. () 96) You've seen the 'Charlie the unicorn' Video. (X) [It was in class, I swear!] 97) You've been shocked by those fake pieces of gum. () 98) Your friends have checked the back of your head for '666'. () 99) You've laughed really loud during a scary movie. (X) 100) You've been kicked out of a golf course' movie theater/ bowling ally/ other public amusement place,for causing mass hysteria. () All right, the way this now works is you count the little X's you put in, and that is the % you're crazy. That makes me, What? 37% crazy?! I Call BULLSHIT!! Your turn! VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ! I copied this from JayFrost, and I'm posting because I totally agree with him. Many are aware that for whatever infinite wisdom FF holds removed the MA rating back in the 2002, they were lenient on violence and lemons since then but it seems they have started removing all stories with no warning. I post this in hopes that between myself and the many other authors and readers who enjoy a little citrus with the stories will band together to hopefully reinstate the MA rating or stop the purge all together. Post anywhere and everywhere about this travesty going on, force them to listen to us or hopefully compromise and allow us to continue our perverted ways. Do it for me! Do it for yourself! DO IT FOR THE FREEDOM OF WRITING! My Video Game/System Collection PS3: Skyrim Legendary Edition, God of War III, Assassin's Creed III, Assassin's Creed II (Digital), Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flags, Assassin's Creed Rogue, Final Fantasy VII (Digital), Final Fantasy VIII (Digital), Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Digital), DmC: Devil may Cry (Digital), Call of Duty: Black Ops (Digital), The Darkness II (Digital), Battlefield 3 Premium Edition (Digital), Ultimate Stealth Triple Pack {Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Hitman: Absolution, Thief}, [PROTOTYPE] 2 (Digital), Sleeping Dogs (Digital). Nintendo DS: Pokémon Heartgold, Pokémon Soulsilver, Pokémon White, Pokémon White 2, Spectrobes. Nintendo 3DS: Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance, Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, Kid Icarus: Uprising, Fire Emblem Awakening, Pokémon Y, Super Smash Bros. for 3DS, Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate. Murphy's War Law 1. Friendly fire - isn't. 2. Recoil-less rifles - aren't. 3. Suppressive fires - won't. 4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. 5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. 9. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 10. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. 11. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 12. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 13. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 14. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: 15. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. 16. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 17. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. 18. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 19. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. 20. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 21. The easy way is always mined. 22. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 23. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire... For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. 24. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 25. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 26. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 27. Incoming fire has the right of way. 28. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 29. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 30. If the enemy is within range, so are you. 31. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 32. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 33. Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way. 34. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 35. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (and especially during both). 36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 38. Tracers work both ways. 39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 42. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 43. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 44. Weather ain't neutral. 45. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you. 46. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.' 47. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 48. Napalm is an area support weapon. 49. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 50. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 51. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 52. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. 53. The one item you need is always in short supply. 54. Interchangeable parts aren't. 55. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 56. When in doubt, empty your magazine. 57. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 58. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 59. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 60. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. 61. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. 62. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. 63. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. 64. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. 65. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. 66. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. 67. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 68. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. 69. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. 70. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. 71. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 72. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 73. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 74. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. 75. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp). 76. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. 77. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. 78. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. 79. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. 80. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism, to steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. 81. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. 82. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that bill is filled by someone else. 83. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack, when you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. 84. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. 85. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 86. Murphy was a grunt. 87. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. 88. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. 89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. 90. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. 91. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. 92. The crucial round is a dud. 93. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. 94. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. 95. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 96. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you, if your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it, if your flank march is going well the enemy expects you to outflank him. 97. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. 98. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. 99. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 100. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). 101. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. 102. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. 103. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. 104. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands right at your feet. 105. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. 106. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 107. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 108. Walking point=sniper bait. 109. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. 110. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. 111. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. 112. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. 113. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. 114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. 115. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. 116. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. 117. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. 118. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. 119. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you... and miss. 120. Don't be conspicuous; in the combat zone it draws fire, out of the combat zone it draws sergeants, if they can see you, so can the enemy... All or any of the above combined. 121. Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone. 122. Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life. 123. Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration of shit. 124. Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed. 125. A half filled canteen is a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon. 126. When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow. 127. It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo. 128. If you survive an ambush, something's wrong. 129. If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too. 130. Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too. 131. Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas. 132. There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both. 133. Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case." 134. You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first. 135. Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up. 136. You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services. 137. You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right. 138. Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep. 139. "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms. 140. Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea. 141. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy. 142. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest. 143. Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough. 144. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need. 145. If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part. 146. Happiness is a belt fed weapon. 147. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative. 148. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone. 149. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them. 150. A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics. 151. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. 152. Being shot hurts. 153. Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day, a few were even awarded. 154. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules. 155. C-4 can make a dull day fun. 156. There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose. 157. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. 158. If you lose you don't care. 159. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow, what is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem. 160. Always make sure someone has a can opener. 161. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt. 162. Flying is better than walking, walking is better than running, running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is technically, is a form of flying. 163. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either. 164. Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is NOT A GOOD IDEA! 165. As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!" "Bite me! Wait, that's my job. Oh well."-Me My friends call me vampire because I hate the sun, I hate those sparkling faeries, I like the dark and the night, and my overbite that's similar to a vampire immediately before feeding. Look up Drakkarath on YouTube. In the next few days, he should have a video. I'll be in it. Question is, is it Torcholski or Nero? Favorite Music Artists/Songs Sixx A.M: Are You With Me Now, This Is Gonna Hurt, Smile, Girl With The Golden Eyes, Goodbye My Friends LIST YOUR TOP TEN KINGDOM HEARTS CHARACTERS AND ACT AS IF YOU ARE IN THE ANIME 1. Xion Then ask the following questions What would you do if Number 1 woke you up in the middle of the night? Depends on what it is. If it's a Heartless at my door, stab it through the eye. If it's where all the food is, point outside the door. Or if it's because of the whole memory ordeal, just get some tea. Number 3 walked into the bathroom while you're showering? Start cursing before relocking the thrice damned thing. Happens often enough in my household that that's become my reaction. Number 4 announced he/she's going to marry 9 tomorrow? Spit out what I'm drinking, before puking all of what I had eaten in the past week. Number 5 cooked you dinner? Stare with what is known in my circle of friends as the What the Fuck Is Going On look. Number 6 was lying next to you on the beach, sleeping? Let her. I don't want to know what type of hell will happen if I wake her. Number 7 suddenly confessed to be part of your family? Just stare with my eyes wide. Number 8 got into the hospital somehow? I would stay the fuck away from the hospital. Number 9 made fun of your friends? Simple. Do what made me the person no one fights no-holds barred for a reason. Kick him in the balls. Number 10 ignored you all the time? Meh, let it be. After all, I prefer to be left alone or ignored. And, by the fates, would not want to piss her off. Two serial killers are hunting you down. What will 1 do? Probably spam Fire and Blizzard spells. You're on a vacation with 2 and manage to break your leg. What does 2 do? Laugh before using Curaga. It's your birthday. What will 3 give you? Probably some ice cream. You're stuck in a house that's on fire. What does 4 do? Probably hit it with some Blizzard spells. You're about to do something that'll make you feel extremely embarrassed. What will 5 do? Just scowl and prevent. You're about to marry number 10. What's 1's reaction: Stare blankly. You got dumped by someone. How will 7 cheer you up? Probably try to find something I like to do. You compete in a tournament. How does 9 support you? Probably beat them before it begins. You can't stop laughing. What will 10 do? More than likely threaten to remove what makes me a man. Number 1 is all you've ever dreamed of. Why? I dream of nothing or no one. Aside from carnage. Number 2 tells you about his deeply hidden love for number 9 Just facepalm and mutter, 'I need a beer.' You're dating 3 and he introduces you to his parents. Would you get along? Don't creep me the fuck out like that. Number 4 loves number 9 as well. What does that mean? Get drunk, have a hangover and continue with my life. Will number 5 and 6 ever kiss? Never. Saix doesn't appear to like anyone. Number 6 appears to be a player, breaking many hearts. What do you do? Stay out of it. Unless she gets in my business, I'll stay the FUCK out of hers. You had a haircut and 7 can't stop looking at you. What goes on in your mind? Just raise my eyebrow and shrug. Number 8 thinks he’ll never get a girl/boyfriend. What will you tell him? Nothing, then RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS! Number 9 is too shy to face you and confesses their love by sending an email. Now what? Get high and get out of the country. You spot 10 kissing 1. How do you react? I snap pictures for any future blackmail material. You notice that 3 and 4 have been inside that hotel room for MORE than a few hours. They'd probably be playing some sort of game system or kill each other. Could 1 and 6 be soul mates? Seriously? No. Would 2 trust 5? Well, they did before they became Nobodies. Number 4 is bored and pokes 10. What happens after that? 4 gets his balls cut to shreds and stuffed down his throat. 5 and 1 are forced to go back to school together. What study will they pick? Probably history. If 6 and 3 cooked dinner what would they make? Probably something like steak in the beginning that becomes SNAFU'd. [Note: SNAFU stands for Something/Situation Normal All Fucked Up.] 7 and 9 apply for a job. What job? Medics, more than likely. 8 gives 5 a haircut. Is that okay? I would be laughing my ass off at the sight of Saix's hair being fucked up beyond belief. What 6's perfect girl/boyfriend should look like; will 6 be happy? Namine would probably go for Roxas. 10 and 9 are blushing while they talk. What is their conversation about? The different ways to cut someone or something up. 1 accidentally kicked 10? CATFIGHT! 2 sent a message to her/his Bf/Gf but 9 got it what would happen? Would deliver it to its intended destination. 5 and 6 did a workout together? I would be thinking 'Am I high right now?' 6 noticed he/she wasn't invited to your birthday? There wouldn't be any to begin with. 7 won the lottery? She would save it to get something for Sora. 8 had quite a big secret? By the fates, I hope it ain't some shit like I'm married or something. 9 became a singer? I would laugh my ass off. 10 got a daughter? Larxene having a daughter? That's the Apocalypse right there, even worse than a Jersey Shore Generation 2. What would 1 think of 2? That they're best friends. How would 3 greet 4? What's the mission for today? What would 4 envy about 5? Probably his place in the food chain. What dream would 5 have about 6? It would be how she helped keep Sora under their control. What do 6 and 7 have in common? Simple. They are technically the same person. What would make 7 angry at 8? If he stole her virginity. Where would 8 meet 9? At Memory's Skyscraper to fight. What would 9 never dare to tell 10? Where Sora is. What would make 10 scared of 1? If Xion had blackmail on Larxene. Is 3 Gay? Hell to the NO! "Gog the Asswipe is falling down, falling down, falling down. Gog the Asswipe is falling down, my fair Hunter."-Me, when a Gogmazios/Gog/George gets knocked down, normally between two and four times. Epic/Hilarious Quotes- Spoiler Alert "And I was going to name one of my kids after you. The grumpy one."-Alistair, Dragon Age Origins "Sera, I have an idea. Next time we face a line of enemies, and throw you at them. Mayhem ensues."-The Iron Bull "I like moonlit nights, walks on the beach, knitting, and unicorns. In fact, on a moonlit night, I was taking a stroll on the beach, and I met a unicorn. I then proceeded to stab it in the throat with a crochet needle. I'm a woman of refined, but simple tastes."-Gabriella of the Dark Brotherhood when you ask about her likes. "I don't know know if you ever let someone down, got your ass kicked or straight up failed, but THOSE are the moments that define us. They push you further than you ever thought possible and force you to make choices. No matter what the cost." Cole MacGrath, inFAMOUS 2 "Hope is why we are here! It is what we fight for when all else is lost."-Pandora to Kratos when he dismisses Hope, God of War III "Well, that's a nice view." "Seriously Shaun. Fuck you." Conversation between Shaun and Desmond when you have to obtain the first power source, and have to walk along the side of a 30 story building, Assassin's Creed III "You shouldn't push away the darkness in your heart, you should give into it. I see that you are afraid of the dark."-Young Xehanort to Riku, KH3D "What's your name?" "FUCK YOU!" "Where were you born?" "KISS MY ASS!" Mason to interrogator in CoD:BO "Target practice, right on cue."-Dante, DmC: Devil may Cry "But Monkey, I'm not too fond of heights!" "Please. Put me down." "Darklings ain't meant to fly!" "Bloody sadist, you are."-Darkling, The Darkness II "NAIL! I saw a bird. Kick its ass."-Guru, DBZ Abridged "How the blood-soaked, Protestant hell did you do that?" "Dear Chief Replacement, I am sending you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it was to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right, I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr, Sincerely, Alucard."-Alucard's note, Hellsing Abridged "You don't know the first thing about peace! No man does!"-Mad King Gangrel "You blow as if to douse a candle, but you only stoke the flames of hell!"-Walhart the Conqueror, FEA "My body... is made of swords |
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