I don't own any characters or references that you recognize from published books. :)

Also, I have read so much that I apologize if I unconsciously use an idea from your story. I assure you it's not intentional.

I am a willing beta. My best class is English, so I spot mistakes easily. If you write a fanfic based on a series I read, I will correct anything I see, whether grammatical or cannon. I do not do anything vulgar (lemons, cussing, I even classify excessive making out as vulgar. Not sure? go ahead and ask) If you would like a beta, pm me :)

NOTE FOR ALL MY STORIES: Please review! The only reason I post these stories is to get feedback, and since I post for the express purpose of getting feedback, I often forget to update if I don't get reviews. Did you like it? Awesome! Please tell me! Did you dislike it? Bummer! How can I write better? I cannot better my writing if I do not get feedback from what I publish. What do you like about my stories? What can I do better? Am I detailed enough? Does the dialogue make sense? Does the story flow? I want to know what you think!

NOTE FOR LIFE OF A DEMIGOD AND ALL IN LOD UNIVERSE: Story was written and published before Hidden Oracle came out and is only cannon through Blood of Olympus.

ANOTHER NOTE FOR LIFE OF A DEMIGOD AND ALL IN LOD UNIVERSE: I am wide open for plot suggestions! Do I have a plot hole? Have I left you with a question about something mentioned in passing? Is there a side of the story I haven't told but you think I should? DROP ME A PM! I'm itching to write but I don't have any plot ideas. Writer's block is a pain.

I am Christian. I believe in the One True God and His Son, Jesus of Nazareth. I know He is real, that He loves me, and that God sent His Son Jesus to die for me on the cross on Calvary. He did it for you too. God loves you so much He sent His Son to die for you. If you're a parent, can you imagine sacrificing your child for someone else? If you're not a parent, go ask your mom or dad if they would be willing to sacrifice you for someone else. I already know the logical answer. No one on this earth would give their child for someone else. But God did. He loves you, and Jesus died the worst death possible for YOU because we can't get to Heaven on our own. To get to Heaven on our own requires perfection. The problem for us is that there is none righteous. Not one, for ALL fall short. You might be better than me, but that just means your splat is further away from the edge of the Grand Canyon that mine is. The only way for us to go to Heaven is to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe that He lived, died, and rose on the third day as the Bible says. Believe that His perfect sacrifice paid for your sins, and trust Him as your Savior. He loves you, and He wants a relationship with you. It's not a religion, it's a relationship.

"He was born of a virgin one holy night
In the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round him underneath the stars
Singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though he never ever did a single thing wrong
The angry crowd chose him. And then he walked down the road
And died on the cross ...but three days later
HE ROSE!!!!!!!!
Three days later he rose!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foahYMqMfEg

There is a difference between fiction and nonfiction. Every series I write about falls under "fiction." No, the Greek gods are not real. Neither are the Egyptian, Norse, Celtic, or any other mythology you may have found an interest in. Sorry to burst your bubble. There is only one God, the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God of David and Daniel, and the God who loves YOU and sent His Son to die for YOU. Do you know Him as well as you know the Greek, Egyptian, or Norse gods? The gods don't exist, but God does. Do you know Him?

Battlefield Meet and Greet timeline. This is what I used while writing the story. I don't care if you think it doesn't match the books exactly. It's what I used to get the stories to line up:

RP: Set released/defeated, BotL

6 months

TF

6 months

SS: Apophis execrated, LO: Typhon defeated

6 months

LH

6 months

SoN

1 week

Battlefield Meet and Greet

I believe in Jesus Christ the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer, and could not live without Him in my life. If you do too, and aren't afraid to admit it, copy and paste this into your profile.

I have a one-time gift. A beautiful gift that many people are ridiculed for in this day and age. A precious gift that many people throw away. It's called "virginity", and I plan to not waste it on someone who's just gonna dump me later. I choose to be faithful to my future husband, the man who will love me for the rest of my life, and to wait for the wedding day!! If you have chosen to save your one-time gift and are PROUD of your purity, paste this into your profile.

Deck of Cards

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.

The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.

As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.

Just than an army sergeant came in and said, 'Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?'

The soldier replied, 'I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.'

The sergeant said, 'Looks to me like you're going to play cards.'

The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,

I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards.'

The sergeant asked in disbelief, 'How will you do that?'

'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.

The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments

The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John .

The Five is for the five virgins, there were ten, but only five of them were glorified.

The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.

The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.

The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.

The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.

The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.

The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.

The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.

The King stands for Jesus, for He is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.

There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.

The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.

Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.'
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, 'Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?'

Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting for US.

In Greek mythology Hades is god of underworld, depicted in all myths as dark, almost evil. A being to fear. He has a guard dog that guards the underworld entrance named Cerberus. Cerberus in Greek is κερβερος or kerberos, which means spotted. The dark, evil, creepy god of the underworld named his guard dog Spot :D

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism

Rules of reviewing

1. Do not flame: Flamers are seen as irritating little bugs buzzing in the writer’s ear. If you don’t like a story then that’s alright. I honestly don't mind. Either stop reading it or leave a review containing constructive criticism, not just plain bashing. Constructive criticism is very welcome and helps me do better as a writer.
2. Look up the facts first: If you’re going to leave a negative review criticizing something then make sure you haven’t misread or missed something important before you send the review because if you do send a scathing review and you had ignored or missed something it is highly insulting to the writer.
3. Do not tell the writer they should die or anything similar: do I really have to explain this?
4. Don’t jump the gun with assumptions: I’ve had people after reading ONE chapter of a story say that is was horrible as my character was apparently ‘too overpowered in everything and had no character flaws’ and that I would ‘give them everything on a silver platter’. That isn’t nearly enough time to deduce anything like that and some writers don’t put the flaws that are important right in the first chapter with a glowing neon sign.
5. While reviews like “I love it” “it was great” and “Update soon” are (definitely!) appreciated, authors greatly prefer longer reviews where you, the reader, say what you like or didn’t like about the piece as many writers here, like me, are writing on this site to improve our writing skills so we like to know what we do that works and what we need to improve upon.
6. Finally, actually review! Authors have no idea if our writing is actually any good unless you tell us it is. I love my stories, but I am heavily biased: I wrote the story, after all. Of course I like it or I wouldn't have published it. Most reviews could even just be one word, as there's not always something to say after each chapter, but every few chapters we writers thoroughly enjoy seeing "enjoying your story, but think _ aspect of your writing could use some work". If an author has a multichapter story up with no or few reviews, we wonder what's the point of publishing.

- The 26 Commandments of Fanfiction -

1. Thou shalt not post a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The "fanfiction gods" hath given you a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it.

2. Thou shalt not post a chapter of less than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. This displeases the masses.

3. Thou shalt not put author's notes in the middle of the story.

4. Thou shalt NEVER use text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting.

5. Thou shalt keep to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switch randomly.

6. Apply the above number 5 to POVs as well.

7. Thou shalt not get offended when someone makes fun of the crack pairing featured in your fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious.

8. Thou shalt not use emoticons [ :D or :( or ;) etc.] in a fanfiction to show the emotion exhibited by a character.

9. Thou shalt attempt to keep characters in character!

10. Thou shalt not treat every criticism as a flame.

11. The author's note is not a spot for your personal drama, and thou shalt not make it so.

12. Thine created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shalt thy name have more than five words in length.

13. Thou shalt not insert thyself directly into the story line as thyself or as a character—yes we know that thou art in love with thyself and art quite narcissistic. We don’t want to read about how thou endeth up with the main character. This does not apply to characters based off of thyself, but not actually thyself.

14. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, do point it out in the beginning.

15. Thou shalt not make a person randomly smart or powerful, unless stating a (good) reason for the change.

16. Thou shalt show and not tell.

17. Thou shalt NEVER use the phrase "I suck at summaries" in thy summary. This annoys thine readers.

18. Thou shalt not write the same way thou speaketh—writing is an art.

19. Thou shalt ALWAYS spell the word "okay" correctly. Using the letters "K", “OK” or “ok” is an unacceptable compromise.

20. Thou shalt only use clichés when thou a) art writing a parody or b) findeth a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thine reader.

21. Thou shalt always separate dialogue from two separate speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise, thy readers shalt be confused.

22. Thou shalt not EVER make a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THINE READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. Thou hast an ENTER key for good reason.

23. Thou shalt not write long texts with thy caps lock on. It displeases the masses, causes thy readers to lose their vision, and makes angels weep.

24. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before thou writeth the fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story.

25. Thou shalt not say in thy summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativeness and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside.

26. Thou shalt use paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thine readers.

If someone put a gun to your head, asked if you believed in God, and told you they would shoot you if you said yes, would you say yes? If you would, copy this onto your profile.

If you have no problem with OCs and have no idea why other people don't like them, copy and paste this into your profile.

.eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI !sdrawkcab sgniht daer ot nuf s'ti

If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile. I don't get many, so yeah!

If you have a lot of fanfic ideas in your head but are unable to bring yourself to write them, copy and paste this in your profile. I just don't have enough time to write them down...

Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you're a nerd and proud of it, copy this into your profile.

If you've read a fan-fiction, copy and paste this onto your profile. I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't read fanfiction!

If you think you've read over a hundred fan-fictions, copy and paste this into your profile. I'm probably over 1000 by now.

If you think Writer's Block is evil, put this in your profile. Of course it's evil. It blocks our way into imagination.

If you're a girl who's tired of people assuming that just because you're a girl and you love pink, you can't fight to save your life, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love Fanfiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile. Why would I be on it if I hated it?

If you could spend 24 hours looking at Fan fictions,YouTube videos, & other peoples profiles,Copy & Paste this in your profile. YouTube, not so much. But the other two? A lot longer than 24 hours..

If you have been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever heard the voices of the characters of the book you're reading in your head...copy/paste this into your profile.

If at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your name...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you hate Perachel, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingies, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of the effects, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever laughed at something that you wouldn't normally laugh at simply because it was really late at night, copy this into your profile

If you're obsessed with PJO like me, copy this into your profile.

If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway, copy and paste this is your profile.

PERCABETH FOREVER!!

If you are guilty of doing a British, Irish, Australian, Southern accent or Elvis impression, copy this in your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

95% of girls would cry if Justin Bieber were kidnapped, copy/paste this into your profile if you're part of the 5% that is torturing your new prisoner!!

If you've ever yelled at an inatimate object for not listening to you, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're that person who checks their email every few minutes to see if anyone reviewed/favorite/alerted/PM'd you, copy and paste this onto your profile. It makes my day when someone does! (hint, hint)

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that the PJO series is the best series ever paste this to your profile.

If you’re reading Fanfics/PJO when you’re supposed to be studying for a major test the next day, and telling your parents you’re studying, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile. I talk to myself about talking to myself...

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile.

If you talk back to the TV, copy this into your profile.

If you think that writing and/or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

If you don't review, I won't write. If I don't write, you won't review. If you think people should review after they read copy and paste this on your profile.

98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile. Totally obsessed!!

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile. High school classes are an hour and a half, and college classes can be two hours or more... :P

If you have ever read a 250 pg book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile. (over 600 pgs in 6 hrs!)

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If people think you are out of your mind...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If they are right... copy and paste this to your profile. (Outta My Mind by Anthem Lights says it perfectly: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSvNidujTdI)

If you run into inanimate objects...and then blame them for it, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have said soooo many weird, random, crazy, or absolutely stupid things that your friends don't even look at you strangely anymore...copy this to your profile.

If you have ever said, "I'm bored" while you have like a thousand things you are supposed to be doing/have done, copy this to your profile.

Copy this to your profile if you are sitting here updating your profile while you should be working on your story. (I probably should be studying)

If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this onto your profile

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this onto your profile.

I want to do that thing when you put a map of the world on your wall and put pins in all the places you've been to. But first, I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it doesn't fall down.

If you are ready to stand up for what you believe in and not what other people tell you to believe, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever walked into a room then forgot what you were doing, then started walking away and remembered copy this into your profile.

If you actually take the time to read copy and pastes, copy this onto your profile.

If you get way too excited for books, movies, etc. to come out, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.

92% of the teenage population would be dead if the Jonas Brothers decided breathing wasn't cool. I am one of the 8% that would be laughing hysterically in the background.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, which means weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this

Facts Of Life

1 out of every 4 people is insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden...in his house.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, but on Halloween, its encouraged. Does this make sense to anyone?

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for my kickboxing.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

A word to the wise isn't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Always proofread what you write in case you any words.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Enough said.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

Anyone else having trouble getting to Narnia?

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!

Be insane . . . because well-behaved girls never made history.

Be yourself. That's crazy enough.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like slinkies: useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

Boys break hearts so why don't girls break their necks?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Chaos, panic, and pandemonium. My work here is done.

Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I will not follow. If you want to walk besides me, go for it, but don't expect a big reaction...

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

Don’t mess with me. I have a stick.

Don't follow my footsteps, I run into walls.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Don't worry about the people in your past. There’s a reason they didn't make it to your future.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ever notice that studying is "student" and "dying" put together?

Ever noticed that 'mother in law' rearranged, spells 'woman hitler'?

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but you're abusing that privilege.

Excuse me while I find a container for my joy.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Flying is not inherently dangerous-- crashing is.

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Forecast for tonight: darkness

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day. Give a person a computer, they'll order all their food online.

God created man-THEN had a better idea!

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Growing old is mandatory . . . but growing up is optional.

Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hey stupid! Your sock is untied.

How come when you mix water with flour, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I didn't lose it, I just misplaced it.

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was aiming for your face.

I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face.

I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity... It still works.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't get it...boys think girls are so complicated. Haven't they met themselves?

I don't have a short attention sp— Ohhhh, look a kitty.

I don't obsess, I think intensely.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

I dream of a better tomorrow . . . Where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

I have a dream and in it, something eats you.

I have a photographic memory, but it takes a day to develop.

I have CDO. It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.

I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere

I have the answer in my head. I just haven't found it yet.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours.

I live in my own little world. but it's ok, they know me there.

I love deadlines. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

I may not be perfect but at least I'm confident.

I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead.

I respect your opinion; I just think it's stupid.

I said I had my reasons. I never said you would understand.

I see no good reason to act my age.

I see regular people! Run for your life!

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

I tried being normal, but I didn't like it.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

I wanted to send you something AWESOME... but the mail man told me to get out of the mail box...

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

I’m going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a “floor”—a long and difficult task awaits me my friend. Wish me luck, for I may not return alive.

I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just implying it.

I’m not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, then why are you scared?

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

If explosives didn't solve your problems, you obviously weren't using enough.

If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP.

If history repeats itself, I'm so getting a dinosaur.

If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.

If my calculations are correct...slinkies plus escalator = EVERLASTING FUN!!

If people were all meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

If you had a life you would stop talking about mine

If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

If your heart was really broken...you'd be dead. So shut up.

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

If you're color blind, eating sweets must be a completely different experience. "Come on skittles, give me red... LEMON DARNIT!"

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do kill me?

I'm not always a dork—sometimes I'm asleep.

I'm not as random as you think I- salad.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I'm not cynical, I just see things the way they are.

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!?

I'm not random, I just have many thoughts

I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me.

I'm so gangster: I carry a squirt gun.

I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes

In a world of Cheerios, be a Fruit Loop!

Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?"

It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is! Why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical

It's better to have loved and lost then to live with the PSYCHO the rest of your life!

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.

It's okay pluto. I'm not a planet either.

It's sad your own mom dresses you like that.

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it.

Jogging is a slow sprinting, Coach!

Just remember – if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling?

Latte is Italian for “you paid too much for that coffee.”

Laughing until your stomach hurts is what friends are for.

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

Letting your mind wander isn't a good idea. It might get lost.

Life is like a circle. No wonder I'm so dizzy.

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!

Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Music is like candy, you throw away the rappers.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.

On a scale of 1 to crazy, I'm a penguin.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Paper may beat rock, but only until the catapults roll in!

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses!

People say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Well, life never gave you sugar or water, so all you can make is lemon juice.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

People who don't know me think I'm quiet...people who DO know me wish I was.

People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Procrastinators, UNITE . . . Tomorrow.

Rap is just retards attempting poetry

Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs and don't do vegetables . . . Wait . . .

Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Robbers stab you in the stomach. Boyfriends stab you in the heart. Friends stab you in the back. Best friends don't carry knives.

Sanity is a state of mind. It's near the Rocky Mountains. :D

Sarcasm is my automatic response to stupidity.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Secret admirers are just stalkers with stationary.

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Set sail in a general that way direction.

Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork

Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with my Q-tip again.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

Smile; it makes others wonder what you're up to.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.

Some people are a special kind of stupid.

Some people are like slinkies. They're really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.

Some say the glass is half full, others say the glass is half empty, but engineers know the glass is simply twice as big as it needs to be.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night.

Stereotyping? How do you type with a stereo?

Sticks and stones may scar my skin but words slice through my soul within.

Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Taste the rainbow - Eat CRAYONS!

That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

The only reason that I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The pen may be mightier, but the sword still hurts.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

The rules only apply if you get caught.

The three of you panic. The rest follow me.

The three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse."

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas.

The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy.

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can do math and those who can't.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

There are two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the universe.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you LOSE the argument that you need to start worrying.

There's nothing wrong with talking to random objects, it’s when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

They couldn't repair your brakes, so they made your horn louder.

They keep saying the right person will come along... I think a truck hit mine!

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

WARNING: Do not walk in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliffs.

We are the people our parents warned us about!

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

We're so cool ice cubes are jealous.

What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I die, friends will go to my funeral, good friends will cry at my funeral, but my best friend will change my facebook status to "Chillin' with Jesus".

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

When life gives you lemons, make hot chocolate. Then let everyone wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, paint them orange and tell your friend they're a new kind of super sweet orange.

When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.

When you call us weird we just look at each other and crack up, because we knew that WAY BEFORE YOU DID!

When you're down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I'll be willing to lay down right next to you.

Wherever there is life there is love.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?

Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read in school about wars that solved America's problems?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Worst time to have a heart attack; during a game of charades.

You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.

You are a great friend, but if the zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You don't die of a broken heart... you only wish you did.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

You never realized this is all in alphabetical order.

You really just looked over it to confirm that it was in alphabetical order.

Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.

Without GOD, our week would be:

Sinday,

Mournday,

Tearsday,

Wasteday,

Thirstday,

Fightday,

Shatterday.

Seven days without GOD will make one weak.

You Know You're a Book Addict If:

You can randomly open to a page and know exactly what's going on.

Read the book until 4 A.M., then get back up at 7 to continue reading.

You write fanfictions about the book. (NOOOOO...)

You try to get all of your friends (and everyone else) to read your favorite books. (IKR?)

Everything reminds you of the book.

You quote random lines all the time. (...maybe)

You try to do things that the characters do, even though you know you can't.

You've gotten incredibly bored in class, and debated on doing something your favorite character can do to escape the class.

You have a book memorized. (No comment.)

You've read a book more than five times. (Are you trying to insult me?)

You've read a book with 400 pages in less than two days. (You're kidding right? More like a 3 hours.)

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The other day someone asked me-

"Why do you read so much? This is just a story? What has Percy Jackson ever taught you?"

I was about to mention all about Greek Mythology and the monsters and Gods and Titans...But then I considered my answer.

"Percy taught us that there's a Hero in every one of us, you just need to find it and use it well."

re-post this on your profile if you're one of the people who choose Fanfiction over Facebook

If you were lost but found by God, copy and paste this into your profile

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by these angels, but I call them my best friends.

If you're a Christian and you walk the path the Lord has laid out for you, copy and past this in your profile.

Creepy:

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION- RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES- LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS NO MORE ZS

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

I am the girl...that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird, a nerd, and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on Facebook, or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in over a year. I am the girl who has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.

But I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn't care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do anymore, who loves and is obsessed with "magic" (there are many different types of "magic," not just wizard type magic), who can express herself better with words than without words, and knows the importance of the little things

Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master...
He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher...
He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer...
He had no army, yet kings feared him...
He won no military battles, yet he conquered the World...
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him...
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today

I am a book freak, yes.

So what?

While I hole myself up in a good story,

you're off reading things from Facebook.

While I lose myself in unknown worlds,

you're off playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft.

While I learn things you cannot imagine,

you're off failing school and your teachers and family.

I know more about some characters than I do myself—

characters you will never know.

I can survive my whole life in a world—

a world you will never see.

I know the secrets of people, places, and creatures—

all of which you will never meet.

If you and I were in one of the worlds I know—

and you would never tell the difference.

I create worlds, people, creatures, but most of all lives with my words that you call another boring subject—

something you will never experience the joy and pride of.

I have ridden on dragons, outwitted darkness, eluded death a thousand times . . .

I have saved lives, used magic, unraveled deathly secrets that could start wars . . .

I have swum with the serpents, flown with the pegasi, howled with the wolves . . .

I have stood upon the moon, fought in great battles, discovered new universes . . .

I have relived long-gone lives, shaped new destinies, guided the paths of others . . .

I have stepped into other worlds, become other creatures, experienced unimaginable things . . .

I have lived through wars, living nightmares, the worst of tragedies . . .

I have felt the joy, pride, and elation of just—knowing.

Knowing the fact that you would never learn what I have.

And never have I moved a single inch, as long as I read.

Yet you claim that all of this is boring—

Boring, stupid, sad, uncool, dumb, even embarrassing.

You say that this is something no one can like.

And yet, here I stand, holding a book.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. -Albert Einstein (For all you teachers out there who confuse us quite badly)

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. -C.S Lewis

Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes - Rick Riordan

With great power...comes a great need to take a nap. Wake me up later. -Nico di Angelo in The last Olympian

Really Dumb Store labels:

Boeing 757: "Fragile. Do not drop" (This means you, Hulk! No airplane juggling!)

Earplugs: "These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Hmm…hey, sister, come here. Eat these. Don’t worry, they’re nontoxic.)

Hair coloring: "Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yes, I’ll have a small vanilla in a dish with chocolate sprinkles. Oh, and throw some hair coloring on there, too.)

Komatsu Floodlight: "This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (you’re kidding! Even in the dark?)

On a bag of Chips: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap”. (Thanks, that’s real clear.)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Could someone please explain this to me?)

On a Korean kitchen knife: “Warning: keep out of children.” (Darn, that’s the best place to keep my knives.)

On a Myer hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. (But that’s the only time I have to dry my hair!)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (Thanks, I wasn’t sure if I should use a spoon.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was this happening a lot somewhere?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: Fly another airline.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no. We get real fake bacon.)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could prevent so many accidents if we could just get those sick toddlers off the dump trucks.)

On disappearing-ink pen for marking fabric. "The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing any legal documents." (But wouldn’t that mess with people’s heads? It would be funny!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (No way. You’re joking. It’ll be hot?!)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what, underwater?)

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh! A bit late, huh?)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Never would have guessed that one.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But it saves so much time!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost”. (But that’s only a suggestion.)

RCA television remote control: "Not dishwasher safe." (Well how else am I supposed to clean it?)

Road sign: "Caution: water on road during rain." (Oh good, we’ve learned this. Now let’s move on to basic math.)

Scoopable cat litter: "Safe to use around pets" (Phew, I was worried.)

I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

If you're weird, then you're normal. If you're normal, then you're weird.

Anaditdaephobia- the fear that somehow, somewhere, a duck is watching you.

Sarcasm- a way to insult stupid people without them knowing it.

Oh? Rock beats paper? Okay, you try defending yourself with paper when I throw a rock at you.

Don't steal, the government doesn't like competition.

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And lastly: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Unicorns

7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

You know you live in 2019 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends/family is they don't have a screenname on Facebook.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. (or the tv doesn't even have buttons to push)

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job...

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mold like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamor rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, mustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spiky?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English Pronunciation (also called The Chaos) by G. Nolst Trenité