Funny Quotes And Random Things: - Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed. - Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them. - I used all my sick days, so I called in dead... - They say, 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well, I think the gun helps, because if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG" I dont think you'd kill too many people. - So, if guns kill people, can I blame misspelled words on my pencil? - Yeah, I'm a loser. But the coolest loser you'll ever meet. - Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate. - No, I won't go to Hell! It has a restraining order against me. - You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. - When Life gives you lemons, throw them back, because, I mean, really? Who likes lemons? - When Life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. - When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then. - Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over. - Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to. - I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept! - Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide. - The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide. - Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend. - Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking leeches? - You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder. - Everything in this room is eatable; even I'm eatable. But that is called 'cannibalism', my dear children, and it is in fact frowned upon in most societies. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese! - When in doubt, make up words! - Home is not where you live, but where they understand you. - If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you! - If you're gonna be two-faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty. - I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous. - Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; its already tomorrow in Australia. - Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid. - You say I'm not cool. Cool is just another word for cold. If I'm not cold then I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thank you for embracing it! - Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies! - Welcome to the Dark Side... are you surprised that we lied about having cookies? - Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks! - Before you critisize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes! -The statistics of insanty is that 1 of every 4 people have a mental illness. Look at your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. - When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n slide. - An idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. - Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss. - There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "PIE" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM... - Music is like candy: You throw away the (w)rappers. - The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. - Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That's a really good question... - My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone. - Do not take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. - If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. - Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon. - I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly. - Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now. - WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus. - If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up. - Yes, I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear, thank you very much. - I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OOH, LOOK! A SQUIRREL! - Please: Don't throw your cigarette butt's on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer. - There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't. - Welcome to the internet, pants optional. - Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. - I dream of a perfect world where a chicken can cross the road without its motives being questioned. - Poke me. I dare you. - I'm not random. I just think faster than you. - May your life be like toilet paper: long and useful! - "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - This morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. - I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. - I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. - I gave a theatrical performance about puns. Really, it was just a play on words. - I'm reading a book about antigravity. It's impossible to put down. - I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. - In English grammar, double negatives are a no-no.