How To Tell Fake Friends From Real Friends

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we messed up ... but that was fun!"

FAKE FRIENDS: never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your stuff so long they forget its yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!"

FAKE FRIENDS: will talk trash to the person who talks trash about you.

This Is Just For Laughs

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

You laugh because I'm different...
I laugh cause I just farted!

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

This One My Dad Told

"One Summer Morning A Man Was Walking Done The Beach When He Hears A Woman Crying. So He Walks To So Whats Wrong, And When He Gets There He Noticed That The Woman Had No Arms Or Legs. So He Goes To Her And Asked Whats Wrong. The Woman Replies That See Has Never Been Hugged. So The Man Gives Her A Hug. The Next Morning The Woman Is Crying Again So He Goes Up And Asked Whats Wrong. The Woman Replied That See Never Been Kissed. So He Kiss Her. The Morning After That The Man Hears The Woman Crying Again So Sighing He Goes To Her And Asked Whats Wrong Now To Which She Replies I've Never Been Fucked So He Throws Her Into The Ocean And Calls Out Well Your Fucked Now.