20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1: At lunch time, sit in you car with sunglasses on and point a hair dry at passing cars; see if they slow down

2: Page yourself over the intercom. Do not disguise your voice.

3: Every time some one asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that

4: Put you garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

5: Put decaf in the coffee maker (home or work). When everyone gets over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso

6: In your memo book, on all your checks, put "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS"

7: Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance To The Prophecy"

8: Don't use any punctuation

9: As often as possible, skip instead of walking

10: Order diet water whenever you go out with a serious face

11: Specify that your drive-thru order is "TO GO"

12: Sing along at the opera

13: Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14: Put mosquito netting around your work area (or room) and play tropical sounds all day

15: 5 days in advance, tell your friend that you can't go to their party cause you don't 'feel like it'

16: Have friends or coworkers address you by your wrestling name "Rock Bottom"

17: When the cash comes out of the ATM yell, "I WON, I WON"

18: When exiting the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives they're loose"

19: Tell your children (or younger sibling) that "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

20: And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity is... Copy this and put it on your profile!

How to get rid of a flirty guy:

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.

Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

Woman:It's in the phone book

Man: But I don't know your name

Woman: That's in the phone book too

Man: I know how to please a woman

Woman: Then please leave me alone

Man: I can tell you want me

Woman: Ohhhh, your so right, I want you to leave

Man: Hey baby, comming my way?

Woman: No, I'm heading that way, towards the door.

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I see you looking at me."

Woman: "No, I'm looking at the guy behind you."

'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

33 Things to do in an Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - And back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
23. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
24. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
25. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
26. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
27. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
28. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift totting.
29. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
30. Tell people that you can see their aura.
31. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
32. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
33. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

Ponderisms

1.) some people are like slinkies, boring, but if you see them fall down stairs, you can't help but smile.

2.) who was the first person to say... I’m going to eat the next thing that comes out of a chicken’s butt?

3.) Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

4.) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

5.) Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

6.) Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

7.) Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

8.) Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9.) Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10.) If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11.) Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12.) Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

13.) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

14.) Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

15.) When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right." Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

16.) How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

17.) If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

18.) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then

it's you.

19.) Can you cry under water?

20.) If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21.) Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

22.) Why dose a round pizza come in a square box?

23.) What disease did cured ham actually have?

24.) Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

25.) If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

26.) Why are you IN a movie but you're ON tv?

27.) Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

28.) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

29.) When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? if you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

30.) What do you call male ballerinas?

31.) Can blind people see their dreams? do they dream?

32.) Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?