yo

Bonewyrm here

gender- male

hooray for caffeine

age-26

favourite video games- devil may cry series, DOA, tekken

favorite movie-The Princess Bride

favorite anime- bleach, one piece, naruto, trinity blood, blood, inuyasha, ghost in the shell S.A.C, Yu Yu Hakusho and wolfs rain

favorite quotes

Crocodile Dundee: "That's not a knife... this is a knife."

Jana Carvy: "Why go up shit creek without a paddle?"

"Nobody dies a virgin, cause life always screws you over." - Unknown

"The scariest thing about revenge is not what it tuns you into. It is when you finally get your revenge... and turn around."- ?

drugs don't kill people, I kill people.

drugs don't kill people, drug overdoses kill people- me

100 Rules of Anime

The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural

phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original

intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that

explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope

that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good

chuckle.

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is

thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit

the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud

sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust

equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a

mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects

known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero

whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and

lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of

two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out

affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human

existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. NOTE: Sometimes, Anime

heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg

and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...

regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they

don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is

attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are

depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color

(usually red or white).

#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a

"Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3

different angles.

#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.

First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first.

Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to

human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities,

sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly

referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because

of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the

Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any

object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.

First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also

known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of

course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form

of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the

"Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot

decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a

drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and

several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle

of an open field will always miss.

First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will

hit anyone or do any real damage.

Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds,

the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a

single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is

in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm,

which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving,

firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex

martial arts maneuvers.

Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he

will hit.

#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The

Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs

to get out more.)

#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,

sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at

least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not

unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. Also, acid has been known to work

just as well...

#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and

large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped

and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a

song.

First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes

up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...

#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little

things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost

twice as annoying.

#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,

either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy".

First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb

Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line

Effect)

Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American

translators are the American editors and censors.

Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome

"Good Guys".

#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly

proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:

1) be female.

2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.

3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of

destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and

used as a last resort.

#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate

a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of

martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing

aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is

attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are

hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is

considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or

explanation.

#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and

can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical

abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s

hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable

guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of

whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive

amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off

somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes,

then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the

Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably

wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to

extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer

invulnerable to any form of damage.

Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is

indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows,

or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice

attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of

Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 48)

#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,

playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple"

things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so

on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.

#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good

Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic

positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader

2) His Girlfriend

3) His Best Friend/Rival

4) A Hulking Brute

5) A Dwarf/Kid

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

1) Extreme Coolness

2) Amazing Intelligence

3) Incredible Irritation

#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an

extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from

which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious

dimension is commonly called "Malletspace".

First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a

heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is

because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released

at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in

the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are

actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is

because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the

back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat

gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely

proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the

less you get and vice-versa.

First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real

world...

#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get

erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current

theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see

Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush

along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal

swords, if not sharper.

#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it

done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.

#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a

martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of

the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the

transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"

witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to

interrupt it.

#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy

mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some

unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or

spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind

the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or

burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,

your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").

First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,

wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)

to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and

letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in

part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will

get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform

magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as

the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will

help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff

#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are

under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY

small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).

Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws

44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and

the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of

the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"

witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack

are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave

Phenomenon")

52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters

(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or

perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons

for this are:

1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.

2) They just don’t give a damn.

The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:

1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.

2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.

3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,

wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.

First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,

etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying

pan or something.

#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and

withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power

weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons

will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.

First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome

which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use

it against the "Good Guy".

Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military

device without one of the following events occurring:

a) The control device being broken.

b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".

c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just

"fooled" by the "Good Guy".

d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of

the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,

resulting in two outcomes:

a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me

look.

b) A negative charge will result in the

hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition

available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate

when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7

for speaker pods)

#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s

attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.

(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing

girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, Carrot, and Naruto

couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an

awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,

except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single

drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years

is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the

few... of even the one.

#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be

funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall

to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.

(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the

male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually

helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can

sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the

guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-

First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater

than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse

coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least

500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".

Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to

normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also

inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all

actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot

from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.

of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a

mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing

this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the

Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be

increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does

not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads

to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by

an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the

control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through

means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.

First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which

clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant

Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at

will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and

lethality of the maneuver.

Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or

disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not

always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where

the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of

Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any

situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding

increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually

come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in

Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a

survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly

and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often

referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain

activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in

slow motion.

#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male

character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at

another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an

interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of

Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and

65)

#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head

shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the

wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages

will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to

a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking

sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the

edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly

past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When

faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime

characters will either:

a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and

exposition),

b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a

position to ravish beautiful girls, or

c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can

summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a

secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around

him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick

strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the

elements, etc. (see Laws 32 48)

#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST

capable of dealing with it.

#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial

arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with

your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just

doesn’t work in real life...

#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is

male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a

shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain

is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole

(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if

you’re normally a klutz.

#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a

Hentai anime is to start having sex.

#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become

possible.

First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the

hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he

is wrong and will invariably be toastied.

#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed

by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could

accomplish... but his old teacher did!

#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire

straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see

Laws #67, 69, and 84)

#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in

beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won

against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they

tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.

Usually this results in:

a) The hero escaping.

b) Clean-up for the underlings.

c) The villain getting toastied.

#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.

#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have

the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,

rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling

themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large

penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the

size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following

characteristics:

1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.

2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and

up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive

vagina.

#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance

while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them

introducing themselves.

#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at

least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!

First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a

Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the

male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following

him around is there because:

1) It’s his girlfriend’s.

2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.

3) Chicks will dig him more.

Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by

a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,

real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal

that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:

1) It’s her boyfriend’s.

2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.

3) It makes her look cool.

#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability

that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like

bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though

they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the

Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any

human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")

First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime

girls eventually get into it begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,

but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the

skin of the tentacle...

Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never

experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also

known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).

Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human

relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,

sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage

begins to occur.

First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it

from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko

Thing")

#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that

enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being

immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or

spaceborne, have the following crew members:

1) The captain

2) His Lieutenant

3) Various female technical staff

4) A hotshot pilot

5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)

6) The Doctor

7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)

Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:

1) Extreme coolness/luck

2) Amazing Intelligence

3) Incredible irritation

4) Extreme cuteness

5) Irresponsible drunkenness

6) Homophobicness

7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest

appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said

character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.

No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At

least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.

I have discovered the equation to go over the top in everything!

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8118423151811 = 98 percent

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11141523125475 = 96 percent

but

A-T-T-I -T-U-D-E

120209202145 = 100 percent

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2211212198920 = 103 percent

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1191911919199147 = 118 percent

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, its really the BULLSHIT and the ASS KISSING that will put you over the top.

Honorary Member of The Book of Log.

If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile

Position: Log Worshiper

Possible Book of Log Positions:

Log Worshiper: Beginning position. No requirements

Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapters) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story

Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log

OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews

OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.

Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still recommended.

Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is ineligible from using the log for a period of two months.

Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:

For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.

For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five

saplings.

For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten

saplings.

For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall

plant one sapling per square inch of detached log.

For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant

twenty-five saplings.

If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If

your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off.

'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy.

and the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. for thine bravery will never be forgotten.'

-book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4

'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'

-book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3

'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads.

you have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker. we cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. when the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.'

-book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16

'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.'

-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82

'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.

-book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9

'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.'

-book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70

Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.

Things you shouldn't say to cops.

1. "Sorry about knocking up your wife."

2. "Oh, hey officer. Why'd ya wake me up? What? I've been asleep this whole time, I don't remember running over any crossing guards."

3. "How about I buy you a dozen donuts and you let me off the hook?"

4. "Is that a pistol in your holster or are you coming on to me?"

5. "Hey Ociffer! Whaddaya been upwards to, huh?"

6. "Oh, sure! You arrest me for drunk driving. But, when some other cop does it, you go get donuts!"

7. "You're a member of the force, right? So... where's the lightsaber?"

8. "I know that you'd much rather be drinking coffee right now, so, what's stopping you?"

9. "I'm just a student driver... Honest."

10. "So... About the whole 'You'll never take me alive' thing... That was just a joke..."

11. "Yeah, I'd like a large fries, A whopper, One milkshake... wait, no, make that two milkshakes, and a stack of flapjacks."

12. "So, I was going 120 in a school zone? Then you must have been going 125 to catch me. Good job officer... Good job."

13. "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

14. "What do you mean 'stealing from the evidence locker is illegal'? You do it all the time!"

15. "Hell yeah! a 500 ticket! I finally broke my record!"

I have some questions...

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?

If the opposite of pro is con, then, what's the opposite of progress?

If #2 pencils are so popular why are they still #2?

When the "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business, did they see it coming?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

If the sky is the limit, then is space over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Is "Cute as a button" supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think Ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"??

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

If two wrongs don't make a right, why do two negatives make a positive?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Isn't it interesting how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts" Since when has a gift NOT been free?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win and winners never quit how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

After eating do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?

Why is it that when transporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy paste this in your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that poor Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen, watching-waiting-wishing, 100-percent-Harry-Potter-obsessed, iluvdavidwright45, dianeandnumairareahotcouple,windsoftiti, Ilovethelittletacos...Ilovethemgood, i-have-issues-deal-with-it ,Sn1ck3rD00dl3, Annoyed Child, Ryu-chan the koorime,sqishy-muffin, AkatsukiFan, Shifter-youkai,Vert9411,TheDemonHokageTsuyu Mikazuki, Weasel Chick, Revenant666, dragonsroar, foxdude33, FallenLex, Soelle, aticiia, Parselmaster, Akatsuki King, Firelordeg, Van The divine knight of kohona, kyuubiryu

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If you like smiley faces, copy this into your profile. :)

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.

If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing maniacally, copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you all ready have or can't but want to spread the word, copy this onto your profile.

Paste this in your profile if you have ever seen a ghost or something supernatural.

92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.

If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories copy and paste this to yor profile.

If you think that Sasuke from Naruto completely has to have the nick-name 'Chicken Butt Hair Dude', copy this to your profile while laughing your ass off.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they dont have a screen name or myspace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) You read this list, keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.

11.) now youre laughing at your stupidity.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for it. And you know you did.

Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself (I find that I am a very tough opponent). So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: Danyan, Avatarwolf, Shifter-youkai, Vert9411,Kyuubi ryu

98 percent of the Teenage population drinks or has been around alchohol.

Copy this into your profile if you like bagels.

lol if u have ever dun anything stupid in your life copy and paste this into your profile

if u like this face O.o or this one O.O copy and paste this into your profile

if your friends are idiots and keep u relativlea sane copy and paste this into your profile