Guess who? No not Derek Landy... Or the doctor. Uh... It's me ignis recreant. Yes, before you ask I am female (if you can't tell by the name).

Feel free to ask questions that don't make you sound like a stalker. Otherwise most questions will be answered in my stories.

and i am the magnificent Artemis Occult (or crybaby). the reasoning behind the renaming of the author is because i kept on hacking into her account and "screwing up" her stories. honestly one person thought i made it better, but then she slapped me with a fish and it was disgusting soooooooooo... yeah. we now have an agreement that if i dont touch her stories or profile and stuff i get to write my own.

Serenity callows "stuff"

Disclaimer:I don't own any characters of the epic adventures of Skulduggery Pleasant. Nor do I own a Ferrari :'(. But I do own my characters such as Ignis Recreant, Felicity Sparks, heather light, Isaac Stooge, Aphrodite Rogue, Asphyxiate Shadow, Stacey Light, Luna Aria, Natasha Williams e.c.t

And these characters if I put them in: Ali Cat, Night Rider and the rest when I find my book (of very brilliant and creative ideas) and type them up.

Further more if anybody wants to use my characters all you have to do is pm me with the characters personality and physical features if you get them right I will send you a pm saying if you can or can't use my characters.

Books: skulduggery Pleasant, the gifted series,the night they stormed eureka, anything by rick riordan, divergent- veronica roth

Movies: jaws, men in black, chuky, nightmare on elm street, the dictator, Johnny English, ink heart, bridge to teribithia, the terminator, Mary poppins, get smart, the avengers, city of bones

TV: doctor who, supernatural

Music: pop and rock anything from 2002, I'm not that fussed

People: Derek Landy, Taylor swift, 1d, person

youtubers: charlieissocoollike, daninotonfire, amazingphil, crabstickz, kickthepj, pewdiepie

games:fable 2, skyrim, pokemon, COD, mine craft (yes i am one of those weird gamer girls)

Couldn't care less about my life. Highly immature and irresponsible never finish anything. Basically my life story!

favourit characters!!!!

skulduggery pleasant:

CLARABELLE!!!!!! (i mean seriously, who can not love Clarabelle?)

TANITH!!!!!!(i cant believe derek took her away :',( it was devistating)

Fletcher (not as much as clarabelle but hes funny)

Lenka (crazy like me)

Thrasher (Gerald) (great guy)

Billy-ray (my favourite evil guy:) killing people with smile since !($) work out the code

hunger games

Rue (she died, I cried)

finnick O'dair

susan collins point of veiw*

well i dont think this story is depressing enough as it is, soo i think I'll kill a couple of the loveable minor charctors and drop a bomb on her sister.

harry potter

snape

Luna Lovegood

dobby

Catchy phrases, quotes, mottos, whatever you want to call them!

roses are red violets are blue,

he is for me not for you,

if by chance you take my place,

I'll take a fish and slap your face.

roses are red,

tulips are red,

bushes are red,

tree are red,

grass is red,

i set your garden on fire

I think if i died peter would throw a party- tris

well I'd only go if there was cake- four

Threat. Verbal threat. I feel threatened!- Tony stark, the avengers

Why can't I is it illegal?- me

Whats up?

Fletchers hair

I believe if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody Whose life has given them vodka, and have a party

A lot of people are afraid of heights, not me though I'm afraid of widths

Gentlemen I wash my hands in this weirdness

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night

My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance

roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I hate rhyming,

ZEBRA

if life gives you lemons, there free THERE FREE

if life gives you lemons, make grape juice. then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

I never finish anyth

Have a nice cup of shut the hell up

I love math- 11=11Trust me. I'm a Jedi.

Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!

I reject your reality and substitute my own

Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Global warming killed Frosty

Screw world peace- I want a pony

The police never think it’s as funny as we do

Forget love- I'd rather fall in chocolate

Dyslexics have more nuf

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't get drunk, I get awesome

That's what she said

I love cats. But I can't eat a whole one

Life's tough...Get a helmet

I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died

Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid

Man Invented Language To Satisfy Their Deep Need To Complain

Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."

"Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you."

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

The road to success is always under construction.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

"If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words."

Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.

"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

-Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

-One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

-You know, 1/7 people have fallen of there nut. Look at 6 of your friends, and if they're all good, IT"S YOU!

-Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk. They spend the second part telling us to sit down and shut-up

-When somebody annoys you, it takes up 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to reach out and punch them. You can do so 10 times and still have 2 muscles to waste!

-Be insane. Well behaved girls are no fun to read about

--If you can't BEAT them, JOIN them

If you can't JOIN them, BRIBE them

If you can't BRIBE them, BLACKMAIL them

If you can't BLACKMAIL them, KILL them

If you can't KILL them, your SCREWED

--I had a friend once. Then his rope broke and he ran away

-DO NOT HIT KIDS!! No, seriously. They have guns now.

Life sucks and then you die. get over it.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then proceeds to tell you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Do you really want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over...

homework excuses

my homework ate my dog

i was doing my homework in the kitchen while eating chicken and suddenly world war three broke out. there were bombs and bullets everywhere and then a cannibal turkey spotted my chicken (which was conveniently lying on my homework) and ate it. i tried to save it but we had to go hide in our bomb shelter.

i bunch of rabid turtles stole it

my dog didnt eat it i did

Stupid Labels

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Copy & Paste this to your profile if you think those are all extremely stupid labels

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Ask for something to eat when over your place
BEST FRIENDS: Raid your fridge

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS AWSOME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you’re not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when you've been dumped
BEST FRIENDS: Have a shovel at the ready

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story, with real quotes!

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS:Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crappp!

()_()
(O.o)

()_() ()_()
(o.O)(o.O)
( _ ) ( _ )

()_()
(o.O)we are staring you
from behind a fence. we
are stalkers. Beware the
stalker bunnies!

Meet the bunnies. They want world domination. Help them. Repost them on your profile.

THEY HAVE COOKIES!! :)

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

24 things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead while muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, bleeped motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers 'through' it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Drugs".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

anagrams

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why is it considered necessary to naildown the lid of a coffin?

Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why dosen't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a person with multiple personalities theatens suicide, is that consisdered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed would milk come out of her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

75% of people who read that tried to lick their elbow, and you are now smiling because that's exactly what you did.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. In other words, amateurs should do everything.

Music is love in search of words.

Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds.

I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.

I ran with scissors and lived!

I don't obsess. I just think intensely.

I’m not obsessed, just dedicated

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When Life gives you lemons, make a bomb. sizzle MY EYES! THEY'RE BEING BURNED BY THE ZESTY LEMON BOMB!

The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.

Somebody needs a happy meal.

When life gives you lemons, make lime-ade and let the world wonder how you did it.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. David Letterman

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

(Drawing back a fist) How would you like to donate blood... through your nose?

Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos

Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then, suddenly, he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. matt groening

A rebel with a cause is a hero; a rebel without one is stupid

The secret to life is that there is no secret at all and you don't get your money back.

Save a tree... Eat a beaver

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, someone goes and throws you a shovel...

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle

If you were in the street on fire, I'd put you out with gasoline

I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.

Due to management cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be switched off

Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked...

Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me...

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder

When in doubt, make up words

I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.

Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.

Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.

I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.

Slinky Escalator = Endless Fun!

Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me..

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway

This is the stupid test! 100 stupid things that people do! Bold the ones that apply to you!

1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. Had people tell you that you are blonde when you're not/or had had people tell you that your blonde highlights are going to your head
7. Been caught staring at your crush by your crush him/herself
8. Have looked for something for at least 10 min then realized it was in your hand
9. Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. Tried to pull open a door that said push
11. Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love potion
12. Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot
21. Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on
22. Have fallen out of a moving vehicle.
23. Have run into a closed door
24. Have almost shot someone with a real gun while trying to shoot something else
25. Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it
26. It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock
31. After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property
35. Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc on purpose even though you knew it was hot
36. Picked out your change of clothes, took off the ones you had on and then accidentally put the old clothes back on
37. Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. Walked into a pole
40. Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident
41. Put your shirt on backwards/inside-out without realizing it then left your house
42. Tried to take a picture of your/someone's eye with the flash on
43. Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. Walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there forgot what is was that you were going to do.
46. Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it.
47. Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. Have poked yourself in the eye
49. Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair
51. Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was.
55. Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. Looked into an overhead light purposefully while it was on
57. Got up early and got ready for school/work/meeting, then realized that you didn't have school/work/meeting that day.
58. Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it
60. Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny or a movie
61. Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. Said funner, then had someone make fun of you for it
63. Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence
64. Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one or because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side
66. Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions
67. Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it
69. Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out.
70. Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught
71. When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face
72. Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb
73. Ran into a door jam
74. Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid
75. Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it
76. Have purposely licked playground sand
77. Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band
78. Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren't
79. Have been so hyper you actually scared people
80. Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would pull your hairs out
81. Put duct tape on your hair/someone else's hair then pulled it off
82. Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again
83. Sat and wondered why men’s dress shirts have a loop on the back.
84. Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about
85. Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair
86. Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone
87. Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked weird
88. When at a restaurant/cafeteria, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people
89. Have flung forks at people in a restaurant/cafeteria
90. Sucked on a cup and got a hickey from it.
91. As you were writing, you moved your head back and forth with your pen/pencil
92. Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them
93. Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper
94. Have used somebody else's toothbrush without even realizing it wasn't yours
95. Started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story
96. When you saw a ‘beware of dog’ sign, you told the owners to beware of the dogs not realizing they owned the dogs
97. You have spelled your own name wrong before
98. When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling.
99. Have used your calculator as a form of communication in class
100. Have popped a balloon in your mouth.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.

if you are dislexic press 52525252.

If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

copy and paste

Try not to cry:

Mummy... Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told all his friends it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack,

Mummy, i was a good girl, i did what i was told,

I went to school, i got striaght A's, i even got the gold!

When i went to school that day,

I never said goodbye.

I'm sorry i had to go, but Mummy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another.

All because, Johnny got the gun from his brother.

Mummy please tell daddy; that i love him very much.

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; that it wasn't just a crush.

and tell my little sister; that she's the only one now.

And tell my dear, sweet grandma, that i'll be waiting for her now,

And tell my wonderful friends; they're always the best,

Mummy, I'm not the first, i'm no better than the rest.

Mummy, tell my teachers i won't show up for class,

And never to forget this; and please dont let this pass,

Mummy, why'd it have to be me? No one through, deserves this.

But Mummy, it's not fair; i left without a kiss.

But Mummy, it's not fair; i left without goodbye.

I think i even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mummy, im slowly dying with a bullet in my chest,

But Mummy, please remember i'm in heaven with the rest,

When i heard that great, big crack i ran as fast as i could.

Mummy, listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, i wanted to tried things that were new.

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, on that trip to the new zoo.

i wanted to get married, i wanted to get a kid.

I wanted to be an actress, i really wanted to live.

But Mummy, i must go now. The time is getting late,

Mummy, tell my Zack i'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mummy, i always have, i know you know it's true.

And Mummy, and i need to say is; "Mummy, i love you."

In memory of the Columbine & Virginia Tech,

Students Who Were Lost,

If you pass this on,

Maybe people will cry,

Just keep this in your heart,

For the people who didnt get to say "goodbye."

Now you have 2 choices,

a) go and copy and paste this to show that you care, or,

b) Ignore it and prove that you are heartless. and it proves you don't have a lot of friends

girls don't realize these things

I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry That I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry That my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry That I'm not cute enough to be "your guy"

I'm sorry That I am actually nice; not a jerk

I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club (that is the best part of dating is cuddling!)

I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just screw you like some random guy.

I'm sorry That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date

I'm sorry That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry That I cared

I'm sorry that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If you're one of the few girls brave enough to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

from Carma Bain Bentley's profile

Month one

Mommy I am only 8 inches long but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favourite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy I'm a boy!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won'tforget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that

mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sisteris still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.