Things My Mother Taught Me:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

HOW TO SUCCEED AT BEING A NORMALTEENAGER (In 15 easy steps):

1. The first step in becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think. About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist brain cells for something less difficult.

2. Now let's talk about music. You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic, repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!

3. To be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest. Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy, you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly recommended. Jerseys and shorts are the number one choice for extremely cold weather.

4. Now that you're dressed like the little snowflake you are, it's time to talk about relationships with your parents! The next time they ask you to perform a non time-consuming chore or a small favor, be sure to throw a complete tantrum in the kitchen. Tell them how much you hate them and how they don't accept your individuality, as they can see by your intuition in fashion. Be sure to include that they don't love you and that they wish you were never born. Follow this by running to your room and slamming your door off its hinges. If they attempt to speak to you at any time after this, lay face down on your bed and scream at them through your pillow. Scream about how no one loves you and let your excessive eye makeup run down your face, too.

5. To ensure that you're everyone's favorite person in the morning, don't ever sleep. It's recommended that you should stay up all night on Facebook chat, having the exact same conversation with nine different people. It should be going something like this: YOU: hey "FRIEND": hi YOU: wassup "FRIEND": nm, u YOU: nm "FRIEND": im bored YOU: same "FRIEND": wat r u doin YOU: nothing u "FRIEND": nothing YOU: lol "FRIEND": lol …And should continue this way until the wee hours in the morning. During this time, no homework should be done, and only caffeine and sugar filled foods should be consumed.

6. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, TAKE IT. CHUG IT DOWN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK LIKE A LOSER WHO DOESN'T DRINK. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. DRINK IT. DRINK IIIIIIIIIIT.

7. Speaking of your amazing friends that are so nice to you and you to them, you must remain in contact with them at all times. They have to know everything that's happening in your life, just like you need to know theirs. Every time you start and finish a meal, update your Facebook status. Each time you borrow your mom's car to drive to someone's house to do nothing but sit on their couch for three hours, you should tweet when you left, while you drive there, when you get there, while you're there, when you leave, on your way home, and when you get home. Your phone must be in your hand, or within five inches of it at all times. You can't afford to not have it. What if you miss an important tweet? Your friend could be eating a cheeseburger and you won't know about it! YOU NEED THAT PHONE. Treat it like your child. No, treat it BETTER than your child, which you'll likely have in the next two years. *Important Note: Don't forget to do it while you drive!

8. Go beat up/ridicule a gay kid. Even a kid you think is gay and really isn't. Assume that every guy in the school play and any girl not dressing like a slut is gay.

9. You must use these words/phrases a minimum of five times per minute: - 'Like' - 'Um' or 'Uh' - 'Ohmigod' - 'Literally' - 'Legit' - 'I know, right?!' - 'Dude' - A swear of some kind - 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!' - A misinterpretation of the word 'Irony' (And for those familiar with internet vernacular) - 'Derp' and/or 'Herp' - 'Fail' - 'FFFFFFUUUUUU' - 'ASDFASDFASDFASDFASDF' - 'WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN' - Sentences that begin with 'Y U NO' - 'UR GAY' - 'FIRST!'

10. No matter how pretty, thin, and beautiful your outward appearance is, you must always dismiss yourself as "ugly", "disgusting", "hideous", etc. 11. Interpret EVERYTHING you see and hear as sexual.

12. You should ALWAYS expect sympathy from others no matter WHAT you do. Expect that your friends will cry and hug you when you tell them about that tragic weekend your mom took your phone away, ALL because you were caught driving drunk and having sex.

13. The only words you read should come from a TV, a computer screen, or your phone. Reading is for losers who don't have friends to text.

14. If you are doing poorly in any class, expect that the teacher secretly hates you. They really, really hate you. Even though you're doing awesome in that class, they give you bad grades because they are secretly trying to destroy you, and keep from you getting into the party school you want to go too, even though mommy and daddy will buy your way in there anyway. It's NEVER your fault. That teacher WANTS to see you crash and burn. Don't forget to say that to their face and to complain to all of your friends!

15. What's that? SOMEONE IS ACTING DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU! They are assaulting your individuality with individuality of their own! They don't listen to the music you do! They're a girl, and you can't even see their bra straps! How can she hope to be respected when she's not even a d-cup?! They're a guy and you can't even see their boxers! The smell of Axe body spray isn't activating your gag reflex! You know what you must do? ATTACK! DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY! How dare they act more intelligent and insightful than you, even though they are! DESTROY THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! What's this?! THEY'RE GAY TOO? NO! THAT GOES AGAINST THE RELIGION YOU SAY YOU FOLLOW BUT REALLY DON'T! NOOOOOOO!*explode*

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A COMPLETELY NORMAL TEEN. Go cry now.

You Know You’re Obsessed With Percy Jackson If...

There’s a thunderstorm going on and you scream, “CALM DOWN, ZEUS!”

Every time you use the Internet, you thank Hermes.

When you see Harry Potter, you think of Percy with glasses.

You burn food to see if it smells good.

You see an owl, you go, “Hi Athena!

Everyone else is creating a Twilight family and you create a PJO family.

You go on a cruise and you hope the boat isn’t The Princess Andromeda…

You sometimes try to control water.You don't read anything but PJO for 3 months.

You've gone to Google maps and looked up Camp Half-Blood’s address.

Even though not diagnosed, you claim you have ADHD or dyslexia and blame it on your God parent.

You yell "Annabeth!" every time you see a NY Yankees hat.

You make the PJO characters on Sims, as Miis on the Wii, and other video games.

Anytime you see an orange shirt, you look at the front of it to see if it is a Camp Half-Blood shirt.

You were a PJO character for Halloween.Recite lines randomly from the books.

When you see/hear about anything mythology-related, you talk about how it was in PJO (what page, book, etc.) and what happened to it.

Buy anything New York or San Francisco-related.

You are suddenly obsessed with Adidas shoes because they have the Hermes symbol.

You claim that Percy IS real and lives in New York no matter how much your friends argue with you.

You have dreams about PJO characters/events.

You carry a ballpoint pen in your pocket.That every time you pick up a pen, you think it'll turn into a sword.

In the beginning of your first History class, you burst out "Will we be studying Greek mythology?!"

You pretend (or actually) faint when someone asks "Who's Percy?"

When someone mentions the name Percy (like Percy Wesley) you scream "JACKSON!"

You are known to scream names of the characters at random times.

You've got any copy of any book in all your backpacks/binders in case of emergencies .You make a list of characters never to anger, like this one and why:

-Thalia- Want her for your friend, hate her for your enemy. Also she's a hunter, her aim with an arrow is very accurate...

-Athena- She scares Percy more than Zeus. Also, she cannot be distracted and her plans always work.

-Hades- Um, this one is rather obvious- also you might not be buried with a drachma in your pocket.

-Hermes- Cutting off your Internet access would be slow and painful torture. Also I blame the economy crisis on Luke's stealing federal funds.

You write fanfiction constantly, even when you're not at your computer.

You give all your siblings god parents

You call the "Ares kids", or school bullies, Martians.

You quiz fellow fans on the minor gods and win.

You spend time doing pointless research at, just because Rick Riordan linked it on his site.

You still think Thuke could happen.

You plan several statements to avoid Apollo's lines and remember he's a player, should he ever hit on you, and several ways to get out of being cursed.

You imagine the gods alone, and what they really do on the Super bowl.

Your mother thinks you need to get a boyfriend, as does your father to cure your obsession.

You read page 203 of BotL over and over again or say the lines in your head.

You didn't go look at page 203 in BotL because you have it memorized

You know exactly what someone means when they say LT, SoM, TC, BotL, tLO PJO and use it in conversations.

You find yourself saying things like "Oh my gods!" and "What the Hades?"

When your boyfriend dumps you, you take the oath of the hunters.

You go to the empire state building and ask for the 600th floor. When the dude at the desk looks at you weird, you announce that you’re a demigod.

You put in sliver contacts and pretend that you are Artemis

You curse out the gods when something bad happens.

You watch the show and read the book every chance you get.

You claim that you are a demigod and need to go to Camp in New York.

You go to New York and ask for a man named Chiron and that you need to go with him.

You look for a Latin teacher that is in a wheelchair and loves to throw Greek field days.

You try to find Rachel and ask her for a prophecy.

Every time a major water storm or earthquake happens, you scream at Poseidon

Every time something or someone dies that you are close to, you blame Hades.

You’re in a running/swimming race, and you’re praying and sacrificing to Hermes/Poseidon.

You think that your favorite singer is a child of Apollo.

Someone close to you dies and you give them money (LOTS of it) just in case…

You’re on a boat and you pray that Poseidon is in a good mood.

You’re in the air (hang-gliding, cliff-diving, bungee jumping, flying, in a plane, etc.) and you hope Zeus is in a good mood and won’t blast you out of the air.

You go to Aunty Em’s and say you’re camera shy.

You find your true love and thank Aphrodite for sending him/her to you.

You think George Bush is a son of Ares (he’s dumb and violent you know!). (No offense, Ares)

You know Muse is the best singers. Get it, the Nine Muses???

Bring a blue plastic hairbrush with you everywhere.

When it gets really cold randomly, blame Kronos.

You get really mad at Hades when a family member dies.

Every time you play dodgeball, you bring a suit of armor.

You go to San Francisco looking for the Old Sea Man.

Whenever your Internet slows down, you yell at the sky and say "HERMES! WHY DO YOU LOVE ANNOYING ME?!"

You pray to Athena when you don’t study for a math test.

And when you flunk said test, you blame her irritation on Pertemis.

You want Hephaestus to fix your iPod when it breaks. (Lol, I’m so dumb when it comes to technology. I thought my iPod was broken when in fact it was out of battery.)

When someone gets married, you say: "I hope you shall not anger Hera"

You cried when you finished TLO.

You did a happy dance when TLH came out.

You are on FanFic trying to quench your thirst for PJO until THoH comes out in fall.

You eat, sleep, and breathe Pertemis RULES ABOVE ALL ELSE. THEY SHOULD BECOME THE KING AND QUEEN OF OLYMPUS AND CAST HERA AND ZEUS INTO TARTUARUS!!!! Don't strike me down lord Zeus and queen hear *gulps*)

Every school book you own has PJO stuff scribbled on each page.

You're in love with a fictional character.

You and your BFF call yourselves geeks because you sit around and talk about PJO.

You own homemade replicas of things from the PJO series.

You dream of going to Camp Half-Blood.

If you want to push Rachel Elizabeth Dare off a cliff.

You buy everything you see with an owl or trident on it.

You yell “Burrito Fight!” whenever you’re in a Mexican restaurant.

You checked to make sure your vice-principal doesn’t have a tail.

You know which pages the good parts are on.

You start hearing Percabeth in every song you hear.

You started calling your dog Mrs. O’Leary.

You start figuring out who your godly parent is. (Athena)

You never looked at a ballpoint pen the same way again.

You have a plan to get out of school early on May 5th so you can buy The Last Olympian, read it, and still have time to do your homework.

You ask the cashier at the store if they stock Mythomagic cards.

You start doing pro/con lists in your head. During Math. When you’re supposed to be taking notes.

You start spelling character names out of your spelling words.

You start loving blue plastic hairbrushes and anyone who wields them.

Each day you check every fan site you know of for new information.

You try to figure out how much food dye you need to turn chocolate chip cookies blue.

You make references to it in school reports and/or to friends that haven’t read it.

The first thing you ask someone when you meet them is, “Have you read PJO?”

On your trip to Washington D.C. you thought of Annabeth every time you saw a monument.

You yell “Mizzenmast!” whenever you enter a boat.

You have one (or more) pictures relating to PJO in your room.

You know PJO better than most sane people.

You have links to every great PJO site.

You add things to the list every day.

You know what you would do if you were Percy.

You argue with your friends about if Nico should turn evil or not.

At least half of your friends have read all the PJO, or are going to in the very near future.

You wish you could find a rainbow to see if Iris messages work.

For April Fools, you put a piece of paper over a card/cards and told your friends that they were Mythomagic cards, and they understood.

Your friends all have a godly parent, and so do you, and your family, and your extended family, and your far, far, far away cuzs'.

You are trying to learn Greek. (I learned the Alphabet and can write it fluently!)

You keep thinking about one of the PJO books when you go on a trip.

Every language you know is some form of Ancient Greek.

You shriek every time you see a guy with black hair and green eyes.

You have an instant crush on Percy!

You just have to research more about Greek mythology (I am now a genius about that field.)

You call up the Camp Half Blood number.

You want to learn Latin.

About 75-100 of your fics are PJO related, even if it is a cross-over.

You have taken every test you can find about what demigodly parent you have.

You make sure all of your friends (or most of them), have an idea about what you say when talking about PJO.

Your friends (at least one), think you are obsessed with PJO, and you agree.

A friend (or more), think you should start taking pills and/or going to a mental doctor, because you are so obsessed.

You have something on your school things (or home things), that says 'Daughter (or son if you're a guy) of god/goddess’, and you don't even try to hide it, even if it says ‘Daughter an unliked god/goddess’.

You’re nodding and smiling when you read this

You own every single book.

You are planning on adding a lot more things to this list.

You call yourself a demigod.

You wish with every fiber of your being that the first page of The Lightning Thief told the truth, and the PJO series is real.

You find yourself praying to a random god when you didn't study for a math test because you were too busy reading PJO.

You've called someone you know a satyr.

You name your pet fish Clovis

You noticed that in TLO, Rick Riordan wrote Connor in Chapter 3 (I Take a Sneak Peak to my Death) and Conner in Chapter 10 (I Buy Some New Friends).

You noticed that in TLT, Rick Riordan said the girl in Percy’s dream, (Thalia) had ‘stormy green eyes,’ when in fact she has electric blue eyes.

When you're History teacher asks you what's your favorite food and you answer 'Double Stuff Oreos' because Ares gave them those with a backpack in TLT.

You accidentally call one of your friends a PJO name.

You change the lyrics in LOVE STORY by Taylor Swift from, "Marry me, Juliet" to "Marry me, Annabeth".

You try to talk to horses.

You try to summon the dead.

You try to summon lightning.

You try to breathe underwater. (Which did not end well...)

You look for an entrance to the Labyrinth in your basement.

You check to see if horses have wings before you ride them.

You have done at least 15 (or more) of the above things.

Your screensaver is a blue Greek delta

You are trying to learn Greek