I'm 19 years old, married, and my daughter is almost 3. I love to read. ;)

How to piss off the walmart people!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!!"

10 Things To Do On A Road Trip

1. Every time someone turns on the radio say, “I hate this song!”.

2. When the person changes the station, say “Wait, go back! I loved that song!”

3. Poke someone in the front seat and say, “I didn’t do it”, even though you are the only person sitting in the back.

4. Every time you pass an exit say, “Hey can you go back? I need to use the bathroom.”

5. Say, “Are we there yet?” every two minutes.

6. If someone turns off the radio, sing random songs at the top of your lungs until they turn it back on.

7. When you are almost to your destination say, “Wait! We need to go back! I forgot something!”

8. While the radio is on, pull out an Ipod and start singing along to the songs.

9. Every two minutes, say a random fact like, “Over 2 million people die in car accidents during road trips a year.”

10. At the end of the trip say, “Can I drive now?”

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goo

-On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

-On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
-On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how?)
-On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).
-On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
-On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought?...)
-On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
-On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
-On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because?)
-On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)
-On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
-On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)
-On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
-On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
-On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

he white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism

Bella: Do I ever cross your mind?

Edward: No

Bella: Do you like me?

Edward: No

Bella: Do you want me?

Edward: No

Bella: Would you cry if I left?

Edward: No

Bella: Would you live for me?

Edward: No

Bella: Would you do anything for me?

Edward: No

Bella: Choose--me or your life

Edward: My life

Bella runs away in shock and pain and Edward runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life...Now!

This is for people like Rosalie who need more confidence...

If you had to read that other bit again then you need to learn irony and sarcasm...

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree.The
boys dont want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." ~ Anonymous

"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." ~ Anonymous

"Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy...because it takes one smile to cover up a million tears." ~ Anonymous

"If the heart is one of the strongest muscles, why is it so easy to break?" ~ Anonymous

"Friends are like butt cheeks, shit may come between them, but they always stick together." ~ Anonymous

"I like the idea of karma; you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve it." ~ Anonymous

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life." ~ Anonymous

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."

"Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?"

"What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
— G.K. Chesterton

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

People can be divided into three groups. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen. Those who wonder what happened. Congratulations on being the captain of the third group.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be

stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the

fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those

who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do we use the politics to describe the process of economy so: Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blooksucking creature.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Things to do on an Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that mother fucker upside the head