Name: Tobias

Age: 19

Sex: Sure... but only if you're a girl xD

Hobbys: Listening to Music, Playing Basketball, Watching Anime

Men Rules:

1. No wasted beer in the name of humour.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control.

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friends home.)

5. Short-shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler. This is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

13. When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey... who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours?

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl... however the hot girl has an ugly friend... it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper-rock-scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:

If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride, unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye-to-eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to ensure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting girls does not count… rule is an exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girl's pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a pirate should be considered a manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice. No need to say "I'm Sorry".

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated, refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)

30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man Status and its privileges, and will result in the title 'Manbitch'.

31. Every man should watch Sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight, seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used if said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an UFC cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime, and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it.

33. If a woman is present, whether family or friend, no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as: Mother's Day, birthdays, or St. Patrick's Day... or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from 'Man' to 'Manbitch' and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of 'Manbitch' from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly... and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war, they are your countrymen fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years' past.

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play. When leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parents' house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman, "Do you like this?" And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important than talking.

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game, shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your Man Status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be stacked or crushed, while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (Except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guys' night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race where the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want," gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from others by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done, but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable. Any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal. Exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. Exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler... ever... unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read).

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO.

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item, trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "Down in Tijuana," "One time when we were all piss drunk," or "And this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw."

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination. Beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own -grill, car, firstborn child- within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional.)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.

112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole-to-hole or pole-to-pole are only acceptable. If it is pole-to-pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary, resulting immediate demotion in man status.

Seeing as right now i'm into quotes, i'll leave you with a few (and i use that term loosely) that i like:

1. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

2. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

4. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

5. Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.

6. "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit , I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."

7. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

8. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

9. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

10. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

11. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

13. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!

14. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

15. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together

16. The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.

17. Always be who you are. Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.

18. If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

19. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.

20. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

21. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz

22. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

23. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

24. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

25. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

26. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

27. It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

28. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

29. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

30. What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

31. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

32. Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. -- Pam Davis, House M.D., It's A Wonderful Lie, 2008

33. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

34. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

35. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

36. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

37. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

38. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

40. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. - Robin Williams

41. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

42. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

43. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

44. I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

45. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

46. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

47. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

48. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

49. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

50. He who laughs last didn't get it.

51. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Stephen Fry

52. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

53. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

54. "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

55. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

56. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen

57. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

58. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

59. Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

60. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

61. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

62. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. - Woody Allen

63. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. - Woody Allen

64. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woody Allen

65. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen

66. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen

67. I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. - Woody Allen

68. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

69. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. - Woody Allen

70. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns

71. A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. - George Burns

72. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. - George Burns

73. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

74. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

75. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. - G. K. Chesterton

76. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you

77. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. -- Golda Meir

78. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

79. Work is the curse of the drinking class.

80. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

81. There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

82. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

83. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

84. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

85. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

86. I worship the ground that awaits you.

87. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

88. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

89. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton

90. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

91. I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

92. We are the people our parents warned us about.

93. Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. - Plato

94. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

95. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, i'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg

96. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright

97. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them! - Optemist

98. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. - Anonymous

99. The latest new dance craze is called, The Politician. It's two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep. - Government

100. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Anonymous

101. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

102. Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather

103. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? - Vince Lombardi

104. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

105. Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. - Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum, Unshelved, 09-14-08

106. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bill Vaughan

107. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost £100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

108. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson

109. A friend helps you up when you fall, a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"

110. A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain a best friend takes yours and say, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"

111. A friend wipes your tears when you’re rejected, a best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"

112. A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!

113. "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a chair has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

114. "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."

115. "You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder."

116. The diference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else."

117. "Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary."

118. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

119. "The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "

120. "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. "

121. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

122. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

123. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.

124. A repair shop: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

125. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.

126. Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. - Unknown

127. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason

128. We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
-- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

129. There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. -- L. M. Boyd

130. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -- Benjamin Disraeli

131. Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

132. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin

133. They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
-- Emily Dickinson

134. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
-- Unknown

135. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

136. There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.
-- Edmund Wilson

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS

1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.

3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

4) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.

10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."

11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals.

12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

13) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"

15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.

16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.

17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.

18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."

20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.

21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"

23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)

24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.

25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.

26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.

27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.

28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot, gay sex will occur.

35) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.

36) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell.

37) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.

38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)

39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .

"Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh"
"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry"
"Good friends will bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS will be sitting right there next to you going, 'Damn, what did we do?'"
"Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live"
"Good friends will help you with your drug problem, BEST FRIENDS are the ones who sold it to you,"
"Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move the body"
"A best friend can look at you with a smile on your face and ask 'What's wrong?'"

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn beer."