A woman of 50 Author: LingNian I, 50 years old. Body fat, walking is not healthy but can steadily forward, face wrinkles on the face of the mirror to see, touch, feel getting old, old people, the heart is old. I was born in the environment is also good, did not catch up with the cultural revolution, was not the reactionaries, not to do farm work, a great lady refers to me, at that time, very good. At the age of 18 with his right, his blood was full of revolutionary spirit, I admire his warm blooded, his strong desire for future moved me deeply, I told my father I love him, daddy loves me, take the initiative to find him, and put forward my love. He did not deny that there are no sure, dad did not force him to see my body and mind, this worry. At that time, love really can not say it, I always wait, wait until 20 years old, Dad suddenly fainted in the past, the whole mansion panic, and I am at a loss, the result, dad go, go very suddenly, what do not leave, I cried his eyes out, for three consecutive days and did not drink a drop of water did not eat a grain of rice, the servant came, the empty house only I a person. I thought my life was disrupted, but otherwise, he once again appear not to express my admiration, but made a decision to change my destiny. "Do you want give me your army?" His superior appearance of my life I remember, he stretched out his hand, wipe my tears, at the moment I do not hesitate to nod. I don't know what the army troops, until I came to report, I know what is my role, members of the medical. In the army I don't get to see him, several times I look for opportunities to all things delay, I thought maybe next time, next time will be able to. I face death for medical staff were too many to count, from the beginning of May to the skilled, in this process I suffered a lot of suffering, especially the patient in front of me died the moment, I still have breath, heavy heart beat, I began to regret the decision, but I think of him, and insisted on the down. In my youth, my heart is only one person, a goal, "he thought, until 25 years old, an accident made me re-examine my life. That night, the army suddenly sounded warning, I woke up from sleep in the dim, a shutter is opened, after a run on sentence, people rushed to me in a flash, bang bang! Almost blew my heart and lungs. I know we are attacked, the shells flying around, cry cry sound of bombing spread, the smell of blood rushing, I froze in place, frightened look, wait for someone to pull me away, and in the next to constantly remind me to save time, listen to my numb, tears on dead bodies everywhere, carry the scars of the soldiers. I think of him, I want him, I found the bodies of his time is not happy and worry, frantic last night, leaving only a mess, rise of the sun did not create any temperature, but let things become clearer. Finally, I know his whereabouts, he died, died in the explosion, even the body did not find, I fell to the ground unconscious on the spot. My first love is not the end of the beginning, I once again lost the goal, the whole human life like a dead-alive person, so I had to see the army, I was transferred to the civilian hospital nurse. The shuttle in the life and death of my youth, my marriage affinity in accidental opportunity, my husband is my patient, I care him to recover from the accident, in the face of I 30 years old, he proposed marriage requirements, I refused, he insisted, I refused, he continued, after a few years of time, because of his persistence really touched me, so, when I was 33 years old, I embarked on the path of marriage. My daughter was born in the same year, the name of a small core, but I always keep his wife and mother's role, although her husband derailment, I didn't break the mirror, because I know, a woman, must maintain the family responsibility, I chose to remain silent, continue to work. But eventually succumbed to the test of time, the husband offered to divorce, I didn't ask why, I just asked him, how do you a small core. "I'll give her a month living expenses, you can rest assured." The implication is that the small core to me, he is a light to his choice of life, in that moment, I remembered him, perhaps because of his reason, I cried. While her husband was surprised, married for a long time he had never seen me cry, his eyes seem to want to make up for what guilt, but I decided to sign the word. 50 years old, a divorced woman, a teenage girl,. A small core of rebellion in my expectation, she doesn't love reading books, playing outside all day mixed in, and the boys of entanglement is unacceptable, I again and again at her, but she again and again and I do, I finally quit the job, take care of her daily diet, more supervision of her life. With more and more of her argument, I could not help but slap her, this is my last move, a small core of teeth is not convinced of the door and leave, I did not stop, but quietly dropped his hand, sat down quietly, silent cry. [do you want give me your army? ] I remembered the word, the sentence so many years, until now, I still silently nodding to himself, said to myself, I am willing to. If life can choose, I would like to once again accompanied by side by side with you, even if I don't see you, or of losing you, I would like to go, but now I really do not know how to go... I 50 years old, body fat, pale yellow, with hair, walking slowly, in the pedestrian perhaps no one would notice me, and I have a quiet life, I like listening to the song, the song "the red star shines me to fight". "50 women" --. Postscript: Eileen Chang once said: Generally speaking, lived half a lifetime of people, mostly have a real life experience, a unique insights. They never thought to write it down, When the incident., annihilation. "Writing" is a 50 year old woman ", perhaps it is their age growing, slowly to [women] two words more insights, [women] heart such as the sea, you try to deep exploration, you try to taste, sweet, bitter, spicy, sour taste, all transmission [women] two in a word, people over fifty, what is a woman to pursue, so far as I know, perhaps in the wounded cry, a supporting point of the heart, a hug, a sorry, or a sentence, you okay? Maybe, that's simple. LingNian 2015-4-22 |