![]() Author has written 5 stories for Fullmetal Alchemist, and Loveless. As of 11/3/2018 -- It looks like I am unable to get to my files for my updated fanfic anymore. After having done all that work editing it, my fanfic files suddenly disappeared and google refused to restore it because the files that were edited were owned by my beta reader. She had the rights to the files because she changed it to google drive format so they could be edited with google corrections. Unfortunately, once she deleted them off of her google drive, they ended up being lost forever. I am unsure what actually happened to her account but attempts to contact her have been unsuccessful. I do apologize for this.. And instead encourage others to check out my future projects under JakeRp Lane. I am rather excited because I have some good ideas coming up for it. (Although yaoi might not be everyone's cup of tea ...) Check out my other account here too: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1972785/JakeRp-Lane Just so you guys know a bit more about my background in writing attack on titan fanfics.. I will post a most interesting critique made to me by my friend, right here: The important thing is that there is a passion in your writing that shows you are a writer, that writing is what you do. It's not something you can put your finger on and say "this sentence right here, this is the indicator," it's subtler than that; but you definitely have it. As I read, I want to know more, I want to know what drives these characters, I want to know what happens to them; it takes talent to do that. However, the technical part of writing is missing. The sentences are poorly constructed and often confusing, the descriptions are baffling, and the vocabulary is bare. The only thing I can recommend for this is to take English classes that focus on language and grammar (like an intensive 101 course), as well as some that focus on poetry and its construction. One of the things people have a hard time with in writing is that written English and spoken English are completely different languages with different rules; though written English can *represent* spoken English, the spoken word can rely on intonation, gestures, accents, a whole host of things that can get an idea across, while the written word relies only on the words... therefore the words have to work a lot harder for the same effect. The words have to be arranged just so, just as each stone in a wall has to be arranged just so, or it falls down. Each word in each sentence has to have a purpose, even if it's only decorative, that drives the image or the idea it's meant to communicate. The writer has to question every single word, ask each one, "Do you belong here? What is your function? Are you the best word for the job?" The writer also has to question the narrative and make sure that all the potential questions are being answered. Who is talking? What is this person doing here? What does this scene look like? You don't have to weigh yourself down with detailed descriptions, reams of backstory and character outlines, but you have to choose words that best indicate the scene you have fully detailed in your mind's eye. Like in your story, the spot where I stopped reading to write this, there was this sentence: You see what I mean about questioning your own words. You want to approach the construction of a sentence from the outside as well as the inside, not just conveying your idea but also stepping outside of yourself and asking what all those words mean, exactly. Every descriptor suggests its opposite in the mind, so each adjective and adverb has to be meant to say "this kind of thing and not that kind of thing." Each "he" or "she" or "they" has to be within a few sentences of which exact male or female or group the pronouns reference... *you* know who he or she is, and who they are, but the reader may not. In particular, when you have a scene with several people in it, you have to be very careful with your "he" and "she" and "them" or the reader doesn't know who you're talking about. "Them" and "the guy" or "the person" are so vague, in a group the reader has no idea whom you mean. You don't have to say their names each time, but you can add modifiers to indicate which is which, such as if one of them is a jock and one of them is a nerd and one of them is a bully, you can refer to them as such. One is fat, one is reedy, one is greasy, one is blond, all of these help the reader differentiate between people. Personally, I avoid scenes with too many people in them; three people speaking to each other is pretty much my limit. I also avoid scenes with a lot of physical action in them, since they're difficult for me to visualize. I have a tendency toward too much description, so I search for the most evocative words to convey an impression of what the whole looks or feels like. I use recognizable stock characters for incidental people so I don't have to waste time explaining them. And these are just little tricks I've learned to avoid displaying my own weaknesses. That's what every writer does. I hope you continue to develop as a writer, it would break my heart if this criticism discouraged you in any way from writing. And I hope you continue your education in the English language, which is a vast complicated beast but incredibly flexible and beautiful. There's a great deal of pleasure to be found in creating technically precise and aesthetically pleasing prose, which, when added to the pleasure of discussing ideas or telling a story, makes writing the magnificent obsession that it is. In the end, a writer writes, and if you keep on writing, keep on increasing your skills, keep on telling your stories, you are a writer. And in case you guys want to see my most up to date work.. It will be under the account of JakeRp Lane. At some point, I managed to get ahold of a beta-reader so I rewrote most of that fanfic.. I Plan to post the results of the edits soon. As of now of 2/6/2018, it is just going to be the first draft I have up. But I will definitely allow others to compare (and see how bad my first draft was and how I rewrote so much): https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10065005/1/Underneath-the-Castle Summary: Here it is, my first draft and all the chapters in their raw format. I have to apologize if my giving my main character Eishi, purple hair and blue-ish purple eyes struck others as particularly Gary Stu-ish. The thing is that he's been a character years before I wrote that fanfic... and I just have trouble picturing him as anything but his Grim Reaper self... He was based off of Botan from Yu Yu Hakusho.. And she had striking blue hair... so I had to make his purple to emphasize that he is her male counterpart. Also.. I have always said that if his hair was not purple.. it would be red... because I loosely had the idea that he should have some irish blood in him but only on the offchance that sometimes I would picture him as Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter series. Finally... I am going to post a rewritten exerpt that my beta-reader went through great pains to correct for me. And it is this one: It was then that the other started to react. Eishi jumped forward and it was the first time that they would seem to really mean it. The motions in which they struck was full of sincerity, causing his body to skid back after a particularly violent hit. He readied for the counterattack, and his pose changed. Something about his movements were no longer stiff and calculated. Where he aimed and struck had no predictable pattern. His blows soared at the rate of someone with more strength than his shallow-like frame seemed to suggest. His brother's body was no longer human, just obstacles in his way as he aimed, feinted to one side and then slashed towards the bottom, all in a blur. The countering sword was slashed upon the ground, on to a patch of grass that ended from the floor to an area that extended into the courtyard opening. They had been moving in that direction while fighting. "Tell me," he said, breathing a little heavy, but still with about as much composure as he usually had. "What made you decide on such a foolish field to enlist into?" He raised his sword and pointed it over to the other's neck. Purple eyes staring back at him shook slightly, as they huffed a bit and tried to respond. "To get stronger, brother. That's why," they said. "Ever since I was a kid, you've always looked after me. If I pass training there then it won't be needed." It did not occur to Jake at that moment that the reason had something to do with him. He lowered his sword, allowing the other to retrieve the one that had been stuck into the grass. "If you want to get stronger, then all you had to do was ask me," he said. "If you wanted to be stronger than me, I could have showed you. We fight here together all the time, when have I ever held back on you?" His turn to defend came when his brother's sword lashed out towards his neck with the sword, and he had to jump back as rains of hits landed upon him. -- Chapter 4 revised: Attack on Nobles And just because that paragraph up there is not edited enough.. I will post this one too: The kid ducked behind him, hiding from the boys and trembling. He smiled over to them and waved without much of a word, and continued to walk on, feeling the stares on his frame as the boy just followed. "What's your name, kid?" he asked the other. The road they traversed past was clean enough, with faded yellow stone pathways flowing beneath their feet in the shape of a large stream. Beside that path was dirt, neatly paved as well in a way that left only a few weeds sticking out. Houses loomed out at them on the road, almost all of them identical, except for a few with storefronts that indicated that certain areas were owned by merchants. There were others that walked past them, hurrying along the streets, a woman wheeling forward two babies in a stroller, and many more strangers decked in victorian type suits, and long flowery dresses. Kids could still be found in their school uniforms at this time, but most of them were at school. It was pretty easy to intimidate other kids that were young, but it also helped that he looked like a girl. Perhaps it confused the others for the moment, when they could not identify his gender at first, but he was pretty used to it. If he was at all worried, he could always rely on his brother to chase them away. It had been weird at first, not to have people looking down on him for looking too girly. The boy looked up at him, seeming to stare at him a bit longer with wide eyes. Black hair framed emerald green eyes that swiveled towards the ground as he answered. "Soliel," he said in a whisper. "Dad calls me Sol." - Chapter 3 revised: Back to reality |
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