![]() Author has written 1 story for White Collar. I thought this was so frickken funny! Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table: 239.99. Hot Breakfast: 4.20. Two Aspirins: .38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!! One fine day in the middle if the night, two dead boys got up to fight, Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf police man heard the noise, and came to arrest the two dead boys If you don't belive this stories true, ask the blind man 'cause he saw it too This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murderer chanted,"Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded There was once a girl named Ashley who Jack was the most popular guy in school. Ashley and Courtney were worst enemies. Ashley approached the movies that night Ashley had peeked through Courtney's messing The next day at school Ashley wasn't A note that read: My dearest Jack, I Always with you, Ashley Please foward this or Ashley will Thank you Her name was Auroura Her dad was a drunk Her only friend She always talked to it Until her parents A bruise on her leg But she grabs her bear She sits in the corner Such a bad life Then one night Then her mom suddenly She thrusted the blade The mom walked out Police showed up One officer slowly It must have been bad If child abuse makes you sick and you think it's horrible and should be stopped, put this poem on your profile. A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it? Repost this if you truly believe in God Her name was Auroura Her dad was a drunk Her only friend She always talked to it Until her parents A bruise on her leg But she grabs her bear She sits in the corner Such a bad life Then one night Then her mom suddenly She thrusted the blade The mom walked out Police showed up One officer slowly It must have been bad If child abuse makes you sick and you think it's horrible and should be stopped, put this poem on your profile. Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master... He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher... He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer... He had no army, yet kings feared him... He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world... He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today Feel honoured to serve such a leader who loves us... If you believe in the tiune God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost then copy and paste this in your profile If you ignore him, in the Holy Bible, Jesus says... "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven..." If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't ignore it because the Bible says that If you deny Me, I will deny you in front of My Father and the glory of Heaven. If you truly believe that there is an Edward Cullen out there somewhere for you (his name doesn't have to be Edward)...copy/paste this into your profile. If you are Team Edward, copy and paste this in your profile. If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile. If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile 92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off. If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile. 98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile. If you're random, and proud of it, post this onto your profile. ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder. If you and your friends have nicknames, titles, or anything else for each other copy this to your profile. If you have ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, copy and paste this onto your profile If you spend multiple hours a day reading or writing or a combination of both, copy this onto your profile. If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile. If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile. If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do. They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. EVER WONDER: Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar o f Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems? Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey? Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls our good at one thing: Staying Strong. Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that's weird. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes. When you get caught looking at him, just remember he was looking back. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. You know it's a bad day when you fall out of bed and you miss the floor. I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse. Being weird is like being normal, only better. I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up. Palm Reader: -gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it." Therapist = The/rapist (scary thought -shudder-) Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it... One out of four people are insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? So what's the speed of dark? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Sticks and stones may break my bones, Slant and curved the word-sword Pain from words has left its scar 1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? arm my dog bit me 11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? sometimes. 16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? neither-soda. 21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECIEVED? my friend gave me a book mark with a saying that is amazing. 26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW 4 33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? my dad 37. FIRST JOB babysitting 40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? No, 43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Nope, . 44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? books or a gift card to somewhere. 45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? 1 or 2 no more. 51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? ham. 57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? By not thinking about it or listening to music. 58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? i really don't know tamra's maybe or davida's? 60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? teddy bear. 61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? about 20 62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? nope. 63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? only constantly. 65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? They have to be a decent person with a personality. 66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Tidgey squirtt-(my dad's for me.) 68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW Merlin, 10 things i hate about you, pysche 73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? nope 74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR .80 mom passed 3 cars 75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? I don’t care. 76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? nothing 77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? .mnt dew 78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Heidi 80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? 82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? may 85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? blonde 91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Youtube videos count? 92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Halloween 93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? .clarenet 95. KISSES OR HUGS? I prefer hugs. 96. RELATIONSHIPS OR PLAYING THE FIELD? Neither-I like being single. 97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? An ice-pop. 99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? No books right now! |
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