![]() In the grand scheme of things, I am nobody important. Obituary For The Late Mr. Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. R.I.P. We Shall Remember The Situation in Hell The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A." 100 Rules of Anime The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle. #1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply. #2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. * Some things have been known to "Float" for a few seconds before plummeting to hit the ground, vehicle, or someone’s cranium. #3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way. #4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity. #5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves, Armoured Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science. #6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something "cool" or "impressive". Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight. #7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down. *NOTE: Sometimes, Anime heroes or villains never really die! In these rare cases they were a clone or cyborg and the real hero/villain’s suspiciously missing in "Malletspace", or something. #8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the "Bad Guys" are killed so quickly they don’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain. #9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white). #10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a "Good Guy" kicks the "Bad Guy" in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles. #11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything. First Corollary- Anything that explodes bulges first. Second Corollary- Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City". #12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds. #13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy "bulge") before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility. #14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass. First Corollary- Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon. #15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious. #16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the "Bad Guys" when operating firearms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A "Good Guy" in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of "Bad Guys" firing on a "Good Guy" standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss. First Corollary- The more "Bad Guys" there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage. Second Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is faced with insurmountable odds, the "Bad Guys" line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape. Third Corollary- Whenever a "Good Guy" is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated "Good Guy Area", usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the "Good Guy" from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers. Fourth Corollary- The more times the "Bad Guy" fires, the fewer times he will hit. #17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff needs to get out more.) #18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure. #19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons. *Also, acid has been known to work just as well... #20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song. First Corollary- Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses. #21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t... #22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle. #23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost twice as annoying. #24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny "Bad Guy" or a big stupid "Good Guy". First Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect) Second Corollary- The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors. Third Corollary- Canadians are usually portrayed as smart, strong, handsome "Good Guys". #25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating. #26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably: 1) be female. 2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation. 3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any. #27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort. #28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity. #29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for "Good Guys" and red for "Bad Guys". This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil. #30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason. #31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation. #32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons! #34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: 1) Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. 2) Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. 3) If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). 4) Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them. First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)- All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow. Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)- Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage. Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence)- The clothing on the hero is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack... Unless it's a hentai. It is believed that the clothes are made out of Anime Character hair. (re. Laws 32 & 48) #35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc. Is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they’ve never attempted these things before. #36- Law of QuintupularAgglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are: 1) The Hero/Leader 2) His Girlfriend 3) His Best Friend/Rival 4) A Hulking Brute 5) A Dwarf/Kid Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include: 1) Extreme Coolness 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible Irritation #37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an extrasdimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called "Malletspace". First Corollary (AKA The Hammer Rule)- The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas. #38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed , embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid. #39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get and vice-versa. First Corollary- Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world... #40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region. #41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper. #42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst. #43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43. #44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect). #45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. #46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives. #47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry. #48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect"). First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44. #49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff Sniff) #50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression. #51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon") 52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are: 1) They forgot that the person is telepathic. 2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are: 1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else. 2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic. 3) They just don’t give a damn. #53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum. #54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits. First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something. #55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything. #56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late. First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy". Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring: a) The control device being broken. b) The control device being taken by the "Good Guy". c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy". d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device. #57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman. #58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes: a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look. b) A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look. #59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods) #60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto [OVA] have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite [or because of] their constant attempts.) #61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11. #62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month. #63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one. #64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. *(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.) #65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. *(see law #49) #66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation- First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping". Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential. #67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will *always* be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient. #68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis. First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver. Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension. #69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension. #70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion. #71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. *(see Laws # 37, 49, and 65) #72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene. #73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime. #74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either: a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws [e.g., slowdown and exposition]) b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling. #75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette. #76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise? #77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. *(see Laws 32 & 48) #78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it. #79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life... #80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician. #81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz. #82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex. #83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible. First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toastied. #84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could accomplish... but his old teacher did! #85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84) #86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack. Usually this results in: a) The hero escaping. b) Clean-up for the underlings. c) The villain getting toastied. #87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon. #88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water, rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up. #89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it... #90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following characteristics: 1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples. 2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas. #91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might havea tight and/or sensitive vagina. #92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves. #93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death! First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because: 1) It’s his girlfriend’s. 2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so. 3) Chicks will dig him more. Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because: 1) It’s her boyfriend’s. 2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so. 3) It makes her look cool. #94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks. #95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...") First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle... Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect). Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again. #96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur. First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing") #97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".) #98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members: 1) The Captain 2) His Lieutenant 3) Various Female Technical Staff 4) A Hotshot Pilot 5) A Cute Little irl/Twins (Either stowaways or not) 6) The Doctor 7) The Doctor’s Assistant (Either a spy or not) Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include: 1) Extreme Coolness/Luck 2) Amazing Intelligence 3) Incredible Irritation 4) Extreme Cuteness 5) Irresponsible Drunkenness 6) Homophobicness 7) Emotionless (Idiots.) #99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so... #100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen. Created by Insane Advocate and his two friends. Aswell as various internet sources Quotes "In Germany, they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Catholic. Then they came for me - and by that time there was nobody left to speak up." Martin Niemöller "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." Winston Churchill "The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn't understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had." Eric Schmidt "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill "Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back "In war there is no prize for the runner-up." General Omar Bradley "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path." Paulo Coelho "Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living." General Omar Bradley "The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war." General Douglas MacArthur "I'm telling you this because you don't get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Get it? Kakashi Hatake "They died hard, those savage men - like wounded wolves at bay. They were filthy, and they were lousy, and they stunk. And I loved them." General Douglas MacArthur “This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves, Clerks "Guns don't kill people... but they sure help." Unknown “There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe, Con Air "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." G. W. Bush "If we do not abolish war on this earth, then surely, one day war will abolish us from this earth." Harry S. Truman "We must be prepared to make heroic sacrifices for the cause of peace that we make ungrudgingly for the cause of war. There is no task that is more important or closer to my heart." Albert Einstein "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." John Stuart Mill "Future years will never know the seething hell and the black infernal background, the countless minor scenes and interiors of the secession war; and it is best they should not. The real war will never get in the books." Walt Whitman "All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed." The Joker, Batman "There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending." Abraham Lincoln "That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously." Anonymous "The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic." Joseph Stalin "Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly." Anonymous "Death solves all problems - no man, no problem." Joseph Stalin "Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely, or to think sanely under the influence of great fear." Bertrand Russell "In the Soviet army it takes more courage to retreat than advance." Joseph Stalin "It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." General George S. Patton "Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire." Robert Frost "Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." Ernest Hemingway "Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?" Anonymous "You have to take the good with the bad, Smile when your sad, Love what you've got, and remember what you've had. Always forgive but never forget, Learn from your mistakes But never regret. People change, things go wrong. Just remember, Life goes on." Daniela X. Daraz "Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another." Ernest Hemingway "All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers." Francois Fenelon "Here's to the crazy ones! The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." Unknown "I have never advocated war except as a means of peace." Ulysses S. Grant "Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die." Herbert Hoover "Keep your expectations low: If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory." Anonymous "Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily." Napoleon Bonaparte "Everyone has a mask. One we let others label us as. One we pretend what we are for our sanity and one that hides the truths that we hide from ourselves. We wear many layers of masks, all of them shielding us from something; whether it’s ourselves or the world. We wear these masks for many reasons, most of us for hiding our secrets, insecurities and fears. However, like some I wear a mask to save myself from pain. Of both heart and body, but with time these masks erode, corrupting or weakening or enlightening us. To cast aside a mask is like to cast aside safety, familiarity, and control. We would face judgment. It remains to be seen how the world would change around us. We fear the uncontrollable, the unpredictable and the unknown. That is why we wear masks for the sake of power over these fears." Unknown "It is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it." Robert E. Lee "A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon." Napoleon Bonaparte "Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years." Anonymous "Though I am alone, I am not lonely. The love of my comrade's will be with me and shine light into even the darkest of times forever." Hatake Sakumo "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat." Napoleon Bonaparte "Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to." Sophocles "You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war." Napoleon Bonaparte "There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life." Church, Red vs Blue "There's a graveyard in northern France where all the dead boys from D-Day are buried. The white crosses reach from one horizon to the other. I remember looking it over and thinking it was a forest of graves. But the rows were like this, dizzying, diagonal, perfectly straight, so after all it wasn't a forest but an orchard of graves. Nothing to do with nature, unless you count human nature." Barbara Kingsolver "He who exercises no forethought but makes light of his opponents is sure to be captured by them." Sun Tzu "If we don't end war, war will end us." H. G. Wells "From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity." Edvard Munch "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. When you've lost it all, that's when you finally realize that life is beautiful." Nikki Sixx "He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere." Ali ibn-Abi-Talib "Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching." Church, Red vs Blue "For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast, And breathed in the face of the foe as he pass'd; And the eyes of the sleepers wax'd deadly and chill, And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!" George Gordon Byron, The Destruction of Sennacherib "They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason." Ernest Hemingway "There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but, boys, it is all hell. You can bear this warning voice to generations yet to come. I look upon war with horror." General William Tecumseh Sherman "War is as much a punishment to the punisher as it is to the sufferer." Thomas Jefferson "There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no 'you' in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!" Church, Red vs Blue "War would end if the dead could return." Stanley Baldwin "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." Winston Churchill Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?" Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag." Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade." Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." Caboose and Church, Red vs. Blue "Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter." Winston Churchill "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." Winston Churchill "We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." Winston Churchill "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Franklin D. Roosevelt "A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer." Ralph Waldo Emerson "It takes twenty years of peace to make a man. Twenty seconds of war to break him." Anonymous "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." Ralph Waldo Emerson "The characteristic of a genuine heroism is its persistency. All men have wandering impulses, fits and starts of generosity. But when you have resolved to be great, abide by yourself, and do not weakly try to reconcile yourself with the world. The heroic cannot be the common, nor the common the heroic." Ralph Waldo Emerson "If the opposition disarms, well and good. If it refuses to disarm, we shall disarm it ourselves." Joseph Stalin "Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling." Sarge, Red vs Blue "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton "You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee, Fullmetal Alchemist "Better to fight for something than live for nothing." General George S. Patton "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton "We happy few, we band of brothers/For he today that sheds his blood with me/Shall be my brother." William Shakespeare,’’ King Henry V’’ "Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once." William Shakespeare, ‘’Julius Caesar’’ "Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid." Unknown "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte "There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit." Napoleon Bonaparte "Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House, House "There will one day spring from the brain of science a machine or force so fearful in its potentialities, so absolutely terrifying, that even man, the fighter, who will dare torture and death in order to inflict torture and death, will be appalled, and so abandon war forever." Thomas A. Edison "There are no atheists in foxholes, this isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes." James Morrow "Live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts." Cicero "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen "Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air." John Quincy Adams "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen "Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway." John Wayne "Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very moment." Andre Maurois "If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone, The Godfather: Part II "You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyman "I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it." Voltaire "I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo, Kill Bill Vol.1 "Safeguarding the rights of others is the most noble and beautiful end of a human being." Kahlil Gibran, ‘’The Voice of the Poet’’ "He conquers who endures." Persius "C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen "It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!" Emiliano Zapata "You know the real meaning of peace only if you have been through the war." Kosovar "Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them." Franklin D. Roosevelt "In war there is no substitute for victory." General Douglas MacArthur "You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov, Lord of War "War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory." Georges Clemenceau "In war, truth is the first casualty" Aeschylus "Incoming fire has the right of way." Unknown "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind." John F. Kennedy "War does not determine who is right, only who is left." Bertrand Russell "A ship without Marines is like a garment without buttons." Admiral David D. Porter, USN "The press is our chief ideological weapon." Nikita Khrushchev "Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!" Nikita Khrushchev "Side Characters get no damn respect!" Laharl Krichevskoy, Disgaea 2 "If the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal "Cost of a single Tomahawk cruise Missile: $900,000" Unknown "Those who live off of hope will die fasting." Benjamen Franklin "Cost of a single F22 Raptor: $135 million" Unknown "Cost of a single AC130U Gunship: $190 million" Unknown "Those without Courage oppress the weak." Yoshimitsu, Soul Caliber "Cost of a single F117A Nighthawk: $122 Million" Unknown "Cost of a single B2 Bomber: $2.2 Billion" Unknown "So long as there are men, there will be wars." Albert Einstein "That place is dark, appears dangerous, feels hostile, small chance of us getting out alive, and it seems our torch is burning low. Let's go!" Anonymous "Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "I think the human race needs to think about killing. How much evil must we do to do good?" Robert McNamara "We all make choices, but in the end, it is our choices that make us" Andrew Ryan, Bioshock "Any military commander who is honest will admit he makes mistakes in the application of military power." Robert McNamara "You can make a throne of bayonets, but you cant sit on it for long." Boris Yeltsin "The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle!" General John J. Pershing "They told me... 'Son... you're special. You were born to do great things.' And you know what? They were right." Jack Ryan, Bioshock "Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty." Ronald Reagan "Whoever stands by a just cause cannot possibly be called a terrorist." Yassar Arafat "There's only one way for a professional soldier to die. That's from the last bullet of the last battle of the last war." George S. Patton "Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result." Winston Churchill "I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'it belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'it belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'it belongs to everyone.' I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture. A city where the artist would not fear the censor; where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality; where the great would not be constrained by the small! And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city as well." Andrew Ryan, Bioshock: Intro to Rapture "War is delightful to those who have not yet experienced it." Erasmus "Friendly fire, isn't." Unknown "A man chooses; a slave obeys." Andrew Ryan, Bioshock "Diplomats are just as essential in starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it." Will Rogers "I am not a liberator. Liberators do not exist. These people will liberate themselves." Atlas, Bioshock "I think that technologies are morally neutral until we apply them. It's only when we use them for good or evil that they become good or evil." William Gibson "Would you kindly?" Atlas, Bioshock "I need a nurse! No...no! A female nurse." Marine, Halo 2 "All that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke "A hero need not speak. When he is gone, the world will speak for him" About The Master Chief/John-117, Halo "The commander in the field is always right and the rear echelon is wrong, unless proved otherwise." Colin Powell "Dear humanity. We regret being alien bastards. We regret coming to Earth. And we most definitely regret the Corps just blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!" Sergeant Avery Johnson, Halo 2 "Freedom is not free, but the U.S. Marine Corps will pay most of your share." Ned Dolan "Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways, but not today. This here is 66 tons of straight-up, HE-spewing, dee-vine intervention. If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!" "Thanks for the tank. He never gets me anything." "Oh, I know what the ladies like!" Sergeant Avery Johnson and Cortana, Halo 2 "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein "The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." Norman Schwarzkopf "If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles." Sun Tzu "I? I am a monument to all your sins." Gravemind, Halo 2 "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Abraham Lincoln "If we can't persuade nations with comparable values of the merits of our cause, we'd better reexamine our reasoning." Robert McNamara "Sir? Finishing this fight." Master Chief, Halo 2 "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Thomas Jefferson "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter, and therefore, unsafe." Unknown "I have defied Gods and Demons. I am your Shield; I am your Sword. I know you: your past, your future. This is the way the world ends." Cortana, Halo 3 "Five second fuses only last three seconds." Infantry Journal Do not be afraid. I am peace; I am salvation." Gravemind, Halo 3 "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." Infantry Journal "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy." Colin Powell "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." U.S. Army Training Notice "No!! I…am…Truth! The voice of the Covenant! And so, you must be silenced!" Prophet of Truth and the Arbiter, Halo 3: End of the Covenant "A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on." John F. Kennedy "Cost of a single Javelin Missile: $80,000" Unknown "Just keep your head down. There's two of us in here now, remember?" Cortana, Halo 3 "A leader leads by example, not by force." Sun Tzu "Of all the tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupididty may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." C.S. Lewis "If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed toward you." Unknown "When a person… has something important they want to protect… that's when they can become truly strong." Haku, Naruto "There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and the enemy. Everyone else has a secondhand opinion." General William Thornson "Resignation is my virtue. Like water, I ebb and flow. Defeat is but the addition of time to a sentence I never deserved…but you imposed." Gravemind, Halo 3 "The more marines I have around, the better I like it." General Clark, U.S. Army "Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder." Unknown "A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work" Colin Powell "Keep looking below surface appearances. Don't shrink from doing so just because you might not like what you find." Colin Powell "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." Infantry Journal "If you would create something, you must be something " Johann Wolfgang von Goethe "The world will not accept dictatorship or domination." Mikhail Gorbachev "Tyrants have always some slight shade of virtue; they support the laws before destroying them." Voltaire "Heroes may not be braver than anyone else. They're just brave five minutes longer." Ronald Reagan "In the end, it was luck. We were *this* close to nuclear war, and luck prevented it." Robert McNamara "Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don't have that problem." Ronald Reagan "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Marshal "We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us." George Orwell "If at first you don't succeed, call an air strike." Unknown "Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordinance "Teamwork is essential, it gives them other people to shoot at." Unknown "The real and lasting victories are those of peace, and not of war." Ralph Waldo Emmerson "We're in a world in which the possibility of terrorism, married up with technology, could make us very, very sorry we didn't act." Condoleeza Rice "All warfare is based on deception." Sun Tzu "Death's in the good-bye." Anne Sexton "The indefinite combination of human infallibility and nuclear weapons will lead to the destruction of nations." Robert McNamara "In war, you win or lose, live or die and the difference is just an eyelash." General Douglas MacArthur "You can't say civilization don't advance, for in every war, they kill you in a new way." Will Rogers "They'll be no learning period with nuclear weapons. Make one mistake and you're going to destroy nations." Robert McNamara "It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle." General Norman Schwarzkopf "Any soldier worth his salt should be antiwar. And still, there are things worth fighting for." General Norman Schwarzkopf "It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it." General Douglas MacArthur "Let your plans be as dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." Sun Tzu "Anyone, who truly wants to go to war, has truly never been there before!" Larry Reeves "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." General Douglas MacArthur "Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain." Vladimir Putin "My first wish is to see this plague of mankind, war, banished from the earth." George Washington "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very, accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." USAF Ammo Troop "If a man has done his best, what else is there?" General George S. Patton "The bursting radius of a hand-grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range." Unknown "The tyrant always talks as if he's preserving the best interests of his people when he actually acts to undermine them." Ramman Kenoun "Every tyrant who has lived has believed in freedom - for himself." Elbert Hubbard "If our country is worth dying for in time of war let us resolve that it is truly worth living for in time of peace." Hamilton Fish "Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind." Albert Einstein "We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty." Edward R Murrow "I will fight for my country, but I will not lie for her." Zora Neale Hurston "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." John F Kennedy "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Gandhi "Traditional nationalism cannot survive the fissioning of the atom. One world or none." Stuart Chase "If you want a symbolic gesture, don't burn the flag; wash it." Norman Thomas "The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which." Mark Twain "Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it." George Bernard Shaw "If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag." Anonymous "Revenge, at first though sweet, Bitter ere long back on itself recoils." John Milton "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote..." Bill Vaughan "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." Mark Twain "I love America more than any other country in this world; and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually." James Baldwin "...dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots." Barbara Ehrenreich "Principle is OK up to a certain point, but principle doesn't do any good if you lose." Dick Cheney "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared." Machiavelli "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, you should first dig two graves." Confucius "It is lamentable, that to be a good patriot one must become the enemy of the rest of mankind." Voltaire "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." John F Kennedy "Revenge is profitable." Edward Gibbon "Patriotism ruins history." Goethe "I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started." Donald Rumsfeld "I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country." Nathan Hale "Live well. It is the greatest revenge." The Talmud "We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." Donald Rumsfeld "I was born an American; I will live an American; I shall die an American!" Daniel Webster "Patriotism varies, from a noble devotion to a moral lunacy." WR Inge "It is easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you." Dick Cheney "A man's feet must be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world." George Santayana "One good act of vengeance deserves another." Jon Jefferson "You cannot get ahead while you are getting even." Dick Armey "A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers." John F. Kennedy "Those who plot the destruction of others often perish in the attempt." Thomas Moore "Patriotism is an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles." George Jean Nathan "Don't get mad, get even." John F. Kennedy "Only the dead have seen the end of war." Plato "A man who would not risk his life for something does not deserve to live." Martin Luther King EndQuote Poetry The Hollow Men I We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats’ feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to Death’s Other Kingdom Remember us—if at all—not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men. II Eyes I dare not meet in dreams In Death’s Dream Kingdom These do not appear: There, the eyes are Sunlight on a broken column There, is a tree swinging And voices are In the wind’s singing More distant and more solemn Than a fading star. Let me be no nearer In Death’s Dream Kingdom Let me also wear Such deliberate disguises Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves In a field Behaving as the wind behaves No nearer— Not that final meeting In the Twilight Kingdom III This is the dead land This is cactus land Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man’s hand Under the twinkle of a fading star. Is it like this In Death’s Other Kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone. IV The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms In this last of meeting places We grope together And avoid speech Gathered on this beach of the tumid river Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death’s twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men. V Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o’clock in the morning. Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For Thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. T. S. Eliot 9 Dover Beach The sea is calm tonight. The tide is full, the moon lies fair Upon the straits; on the French coast the light Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand, Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay. Come to the window, sweet is the night air! Only, from the long line of spray Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land, Listen! you hear the grating roar Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling, At their return, up the high strand, Begin, and cease, and then again begin, With tremulous cadence slow, and bring The eternal note of sadness in. Sophocles long ago Heard it on the Aegean, and it brought Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow Of human misery; we Find also in the sound a thought, Hearing it by this distant northern sea. The Sea of Faith Was once, too, at the full, and round earth’s shore Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled. But now I only hear Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar, Retreating, to the breath Of the night wind, down the vast edges drear And naked shingles of the world. Ah, love, let us be true To one another! for the world, which seems To lie before us like a land of dreams, So various, so beautiful, so new, Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain; And we are here as on a darkling plain Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, Where ignorant armies clash by night. Matthew Arnold Man Law 1. No wasted beer in the name of humour. 2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control 3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period. 4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home) 5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar. 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. 7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you. 8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death. 9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in desperate need. 10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets. 11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man. 12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it. 13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours. 14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favour will one day be replayed. 15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun. Addendum to Man Law No. 15: If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats. 16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober. 17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom. 18. You poke it you own it. 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men. 20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out. Reasons why I don't support NaruHina 1. Extremely overused pairing. Filter it into the criteria and you get 430 pages with 25 stories per page, that's 10,750 stories with that pairing (not even counting those in crossovers). Compare that to my favourite pairing of Naruto x Female Kyuubi, only has 60 pages with 25 stories per page that is only 1500 stories (which of that, not all are female Kyuubi and not all are pairing stories). And people have the nerve to review saying that Fem!Kyuubi is overdone... 2. Ridiculous settings. Hinata loves Naruto because she admired him throughout the academy as a source of inspiration and courage, correct? Then please tell me why the fuck that a Naruto who had been trained away from the village during his childhood, still has Hinata falling for him when he comes back to take the Genin Exams?! That's the same as saying she is a shallow fangirl attracted to looks and 'coolness'... 3. Ridiculous OOCness. Naruto influenced by Kyuubi to leave the village, develops a deep set hatred for Konoha, falls for Hinata?! Dafuq did I just read? Naruto banished by the village, joins another village, marries Hinata?! What the fuck? Naruto banished for failing the Sasuke retrieval mission, Hinata just ups and decides to abandon her family, friends and village to follow him?! The same Hinata who couldn't form a coherent sentence in his presence?! 4. Naruto himself. Many NaruHina fans fail to see Naruto as an actual living character, choosing to blindly look at Hinata only. Naruto has his own feelings and preferences, which has been shown in canon. It's quite obvious that Naruto's personality quirks are a mixture of his parents, his expressive, out-spoken and brash attitude from Kushina. His learning curve, battle instincts, ramen obsession and taste in women from Minato. Name a redhead in Konoha... none right? Name the closest person with reddish hair... Sakura right? Minato loves Kushina's red hair and Naruto has a crush/love on Sakura, whose hair is the closest thing to red in their village. 5. Naruto's feelings. Due to his lack of a proper upbringing in canon, Naruto is basically ill-informed and dense like a rock. Despite that, he clearly expresses his feelings for Sakura (not saying I support NaruSaku, just a logical explanation of canon). What NaruHina fans are doing is taking a one-sided relationship and declaring that it is mutual, which is not the case at all! When has Naruto ever shown any form of attraction to Hinata, better yet, HOW many times have they actually interacted with each other?! He obviously is not attracted to Hinata so please stop the 'a beautiful girl with midnight blue hair in a hime-styled cut and lavender eyes, he knew it was love at first sight'... Naruto has seen Hinata multiple times... none of which has EVER left him googly-eyed... 6. Hinata's confession. Naruto completely ignored it... not even bothering to confront her about it after the defeat of Nagato. Hell, he didn't even bother to check up on her condition... (I know Nagato had revived everyone but if he cared, he would have shown at least some form of concern). 7. Hinata's feelings. Her love stemmed from admiration, she admired him for his persistent attitude and courage. She claims that watching him improve makes her want to better herself, using him as a source of inspiration. Now does that sound like lovers love or sisterly love hmm? Very much like how a younger sister idolises her 'amazing' elder brother and trying to improve so as to impress him and gain his approval hmm? Her feelings are easy to write-off as sisterly... You can copy & paste this into your profile if you agree with it. Or you can bitch and rant at me about how much you love NaruHina and how 1337 and AWESHOME it is in a private message... no promises that I will actually read it before deleting it... 21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day. 22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing). 23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar. 24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances. 25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty. 26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat; if not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting. 27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies. 28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry" 29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you. 30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another man’s attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch. 31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day. 32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it. 33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved. 34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships. 35. Women can't drive. 36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10. 37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not. 38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support 39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past. 40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. 41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal. 42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war. 43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room. 44. Sex is more important then talking 45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm. 46. Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking. 47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat 48. Men will invite other men to Man Law 49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand." 50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not. 51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes. 52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza. 53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup. 54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review. 55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped. 56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbour’s lawn. 57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer. 58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway. 59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment). 60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality. 61. A man purse is still a purse. 62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex. 63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team. 64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life. 65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.) 66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once. 67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service. 68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone. 69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man. 70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex. 71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story. 72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring. 73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only. 74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man. 75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand. 76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men. 77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone. 78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth. 79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch. 80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice. 81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey. 82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys. 83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavoured that comes in a bottle. 84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female. 85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry. 1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph. 2. Your date is using her teeth. 3. Anna Kournikova gets married (female’s identity is subject to change depending on time period Man Law is read). 86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing. 87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-toeye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away. 88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man. 89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions. 90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her. 91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monte Cristo, CAO. 92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined. 93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. 94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence. 95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours. 96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw". 97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%) 98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable. 100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case. 101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it. 102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional) 104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things. 106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline. 108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response. 109. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it’s broken, or have him paged every seven minutes. 110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was. 111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter. 112. When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is only acceptable. If it is pole to pole no eye contact should be made. If any detour from this is spotted by any onlooking men, possible labels such as "Fag" may be deemed necessary. Resulting immediate demotion in man status. End Of Man Law Laws, Rules, Principles, Revelations (and Razors) Murphy's Law(Basic): 1. If anything can go wrong, it will. 2.If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way. 3. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way. Murphy's Law(Extended): The Prime Axiom(1): In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will. 2: If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage. 3: Everything will go wrong at one time. 3.1: That time is always when you least expect it. 4: If nothing can go wrong, something will. 5: Nothing is as easy as it looks. 6: Everything takes longer than you think. 7: Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. 8: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 9: Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur. 10: Mother Nature is a bitch. 10.1: The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it. 11: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 12: If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 13: Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14: If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer. 15: In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction. 16: In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved. 16.1: In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed if more than one person is involved. 17: All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the final invoice. 18: Murphy's Law: "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies: As a discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one. Hanlon's Razor: 1. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. 2. Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice. Amara's Law: We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run. Benford's Law Of Controversy: The Passion of an agruement is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available. Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management. Gall's Law: A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked. Herblock's Law: If it's good, they'll stop making it. Hutber's Law: Improvement means Deterioration. Littlewood's Law: Individuals can expect a miracle to happen to them at the rate of about one per month. Meadow's Law: One is a tragedy, two is suspicious, and three is murder, until proved otherwise. Muphry's Law: If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written. Okrent's Law: The pursuit of balance can create imbalance because sometimes something is true. Parkingson's Law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. Peter's Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Reilly's Law: People generally patronize the largest mall in the area. Roemer's Law: A hospital bed built is a bed filled. Rothbard's Law: Everyone specializes in his own area of weakness. Sayre's Law: In any dispute the intensity of feeling is inversely proportional to the value of the stakes at issue. By way of corollary, the law adds: 'That is why academic politics are so bitter.' Schneier's Law: Any person can invent a security system so clever that she or he can't think of how to break it. Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. Skitt's Law: A corollary of Muphry's law, variously expressed as 'any post correcting an error in another post will contain at least one error itself' or 'the likelihood of an error in a post is directly proportional to the embarrassment it will cause the poster.' Stigler's Law: No scientific discovery is named after its original discoverer. Sturgeon's Revelation: 90 percent of everything is crap. Sutton's Law: Go where the money is. Wiener's Law: There are no answers, only cross-references. Stupid Stuff found on profiles I'm sure all of you who read profiles have come across the supposed love story where the guy and the girl on the motorcycle and he gives her his helmet...blah blah blah before he dies because the brakes had failed...sorry but I really hate stupidity so this is my tribute to that story. TRUE LOVE: A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle. Girl:Slow down, I'm scared. Guy:No, this is fun. Girl:No it's not, please, it's so scary. Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl:I love you, slow down. Guy:Now give me a big hug She gave him a big hug Guy:Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself, It's really bothering me. Suddenly she gets suspicious and realizes the brakes are out and the guy was making some stupid idiotic gesture or was suicidal. She yells...CUT THE ENGINE OFF! THE KEY IS RIGHT THERE IDIOT!! THE CLUTCH ALSO WORKS TO DISENGAGE THE ENGINE!! YOU CAN EVEN DOWNSHIFT!! MAYBE EVEN TRY RELEASING THE THROTTLE!!! When the motorcycle coasts to a stop a short time later she gets off and storms away refusing to ever speak to anyone that stupid again. If you have warning on a motorcycle, which this guy obviously did, it is EASY to decelerate and there are MANY ways to cut power to the engine. Even laying the motorcycle down is preferable to RUNNING into a building. If you have the above thing in your profile, remove it. Do not pay homage to stupidity. :D |
Black Flames Dance In The Wind: Rise of Naruto by DevilKeys Writing reviews
A New World, The Story Of A Lost Shinobi by Lanky Nathan reviews
My Sacrifice by DarkenedxPhoenix reviews
The Best Laid Plans by arun2110 reviews
Naruto: Shifts In Life by The Engulfing Silence reviews
Halo: Finishing the Fight by Red Mage 04 reviews
Naruto: Soldiers of Fortune by Kenchi618 reviews
Story of the Ten Tailed Wolf by The Engulfing Silence reviews
Object of My Desire by MidnightShadowGoddess21 reviews
Naruto Shippuden: Namikaze's Return Redux! by The Engulfing Silence reviews
Monster of the Stars by Isom reviews
Heart and Soul by Sillimaure reviews
Effects and Side Effects by Pheonix Dawn reviews
Naruto: Potential Realised by Iron Monkey Fist reviews
The Super Ninja by Ihateheroes reviews
Nothing but Trouble by Mister Cynical reviews
A Sale on Ramen by shadowtiger23 reviews
Ashikabi No Shinobi by The Engulfing Silence reviews
True Warriors Never Die by Kenchi618 reviews
Naruto: Chaos Rising by PyroC0ntrol reviews
Chronicles of My Shinobi's Way by Naruto6023 reviews
Ultimate Naruto by KiShang reviews
Uzumaki Naruto: Birth of the New Demon King by The Engulfing Silence reviews
Bleach: The Shinigami of Twilight by TheDemonKingNaruto reviews
The Child of Mew by DarkFoxKit reviews
Shadow Of The Fox by Reaper7 reviews
Shattered Eyes by Lithius Osmius reviews
The Burdened Deathcake by Naruto6023 reviews
Delenda Est by Lord Silvere reviews
The Sealed Kunai by Kenchi618 reviews
The Sun Soul by 50caliberchaos reviews
Naruto: Path of the Samurai by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
Zero's Shock by Rogue Vector reviews
A Fishcake's affair by Ihateheroes reviews
Spider Man Chronicles Volume One: Origins by megamatt09 reviews
Doomed to Repeat by Fiachra Ochiern reviews
Naruto's Rise in Power by Seraph Darkfire reviews
Nidaime Rikudo Sennin vs The Avatar by Namikaze09 reviews
Uzumaki Chronicles: The Swirling Tides by AkashXD reviews
Even Demons Can Love by NarutoxTemarixKyuubi reviews
When Genius Meets Death by fokker333 reviews
Naruto Namikaze: Kami no Sharingan by Namikaze09 reviews
Dark Legends: Wrath of the Demon King by Mystic 6 tailed Naruto reviews
Remember by sbmcneil reviews
Path of the Fox by Look a Microwave reviews
Naruto: Force Unleashed by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
Passing The Flame by Durriken reviews
Kaze No Kami by th4n reviews
Naruto One Man Team by Ackdam reviews
Sharingan In the Whirling Tides by Oni Shin reviews
Unspeakable Things by Darth Marrs reviews
The Founders' Heir by Renatus reviews
Xmas2011: All I want for Christmas is Kyuu by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
The Unforgiving Minute by Voice of the Nephilim reviews
Mutant Storm by Bobmin356 reviews
Kyuubi's Claim by Twin Silver Dragon reviews
A Wolf's Devotion by Living Paradox reviews
Mom's Red Hair by Naruto6023 reviews
Living his Dream by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
Naruto: Demonic Shinigami! by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
Naruto: Downfall of Humanity! by xNamikazeKyuubix reviews
No Need for Harry by Pheonix Dawn reviews
Kitsune on Campus by Asha'man of Fire reviews
Naruto's Last Straw by Twin Silver Dragon reviews
Bleach: Memories of the Nevermore by Lithius Osmius reviews
Harry Potter and the Champion's Champion by DriftWood1965 reviews
The Namikaze and the Water Goddess by Namikaze09 reviews
Blank by JayTang reviews
Halo 3: Collapse by an REG Omega reviews
Uzumaki Clan's Rebirth by G3rMan reviews
The Red Mirror by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
Better to Honour by QuoteMyFoot reviews
Partners by muggledad reviews
Conversations by evil genus reviews
Soul of the Seal: The Ninja Adventures by MrDust reviews
Earl of the North by Lord Silvere reviews
Since When is Danzo the Voice of Reason? by Sarah1281 reviews
Caught in the Middle by Xelskyr reviews
The Eyes of a Kitsune by SomeKindOfWizard reviews
Ascension of the Kitsune by Wandering Maverick reviews
Time and Again by KyLewin reviews
Aspirations by megamatt09 reviews
Taking Control by fake a smile reviews
Just After Midnight by margotllama reviews
More Popular Dead than Alive by The Mother Rose reviews
The Book of Naruto by HitokiriOTD reviews
Nine Tales Of Naruto by Cookie-chi reviews
A Forbiden Life leads to a Forbiden Love by a Foolish Writer reviews
The Forest of Bones by afriendtosell reviews
Kyuubi Is Angry by The Other Side of Darkness reviews
150 Things Konoha Shinobi Are Not Allowed To Do by afriendtosell reviews
Living Behind a Mask by Synica reviews
Bloodlines by The SOC Puppet reviews