Ron Squeasley
Author has written 3 stories for Harry Potter. I am Ron Squeasley...Read and Reveiw my fics... Here is some funny stuff, just to make you laugh...and want to read and reveiw my fics..."A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " "The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev." "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." "The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." "When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." "A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." "Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs." "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." "This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country." "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job." "Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?" "In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it." "Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award." "How did I get to Hollywood? By train." "In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One." "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." "Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done." "All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl." "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." "I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract." "Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." "I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." "Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory." "Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs." "We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday." "I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." "After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions." "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" "What's another word for thesaurus?" "This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." "Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." "To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." "Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet." "When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read." "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." "In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime." "It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway." "I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind." "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." "The most important thing for poets to do is to write as little as possible." "My reputation grows with every failure." "Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis in tiny and he cannot spell." "The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." "The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time." "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." "Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." "What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster." "The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns." "I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect." "Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo." "Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again." "What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?" "Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts." "An incinerator is a writer's best friend." "Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales" "The covers of this book are too far apart." "The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable business." "I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974." "Dr Donne's verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding." "They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right." "The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to be one of the world's books. Only the trouble is that the world doesn't read its books, it borrows a detective story instead." "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous." "An author who speaks about their own books is almost as bad as a mother who speaks about her own children." "Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal." "If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." "I am the kind of writer that people think other people are reading." "My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something." "A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar." "Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction." "All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." "Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them." "I never read the life of any important person without discovering that he knew more and could do more than I could ever hope to know or do in half a dozen lifetimes." "Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so." "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git." "In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes." "The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." "The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president." "You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." "A fool and his money are soon elected." "You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks." "Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in." "A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" "Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife." "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." "There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." "Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies." "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." "You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label" "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." "This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." "I like children - fried." "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." "A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." "If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." "The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." "All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" "Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." "You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." "Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." "The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." "No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." "Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." "I rob banks because that's where the money is." "A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." "Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." "Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." "To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." "It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." "If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." "You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" "The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." "Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." "I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something." |
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