Try to imagine a life without time keeping.

You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie.

Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not cheek its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays.

Man alone measures time.

Man alone chimes the hour.

And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.

A fear of time running out.

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their life's in search of their other halves.

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1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's tasteless, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.

16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

21) I am not authorised to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."

25) I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see who will come out alive

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."

29) I will not tell Draco to “Make like a ferret and bounce”

30) It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin ‘Once you go black you never go back’

31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

33) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new pussy cat?”

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.

35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends."

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."

37) I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of lessons and claim someone put the imperious cure on me.

38) I will not tell Ron and Hermione to ‘get a room’ whenever they start fighting

39) I will not tell Severus Snape he takes himself too seriously. Same applied for Minerva McGonagall.

40) Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying the library is closed for an indefinite time period funny in any sense. Nor does Hermione Granger.

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

43) I will not lick Trevor.

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

46) I will not refer to Lucius Malfoy as a pimp - even if he does carry a pimp cane

47) I am no longer allowed to use the words ‘pimp cane’ in front of Draco Malfoy

48) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

51) I will not tell the first years to build a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.

52) I will not tell Filch that Peeves has left. It is cruel to get his hopes up like that.

53) I am not allowed to skip through the hallways singing the "Wizards of Waverly Place" theme song.

54) I am not allowed to attack the new Head Boy with water ballons.

55) I am not allowed to change the Slytherin common room to red and gold.

56) I am not allowed to tell the Revenclaws and/or Hermione Granger that the libray has been closed down.

57) I am not allowed to tell Lockheart that his fanclub is waiting in the Whomping Willow.

58) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

59) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.

60) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

61) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.

62) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.

63) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

64.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

65.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

66.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

67.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

68.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

69.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

70.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

71.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

72.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

73.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

74.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

75.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “

76.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

77.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

78.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

79.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

80.)Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

81.)I may not have a private army.

82.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

83.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

84.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.

85.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

86.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.

87.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

89.)I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

90.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

91.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

92.) I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

93.) - Especially not all of them at once.

94.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

95.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos.

96.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

97.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

98.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

99.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

100.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

101.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

102.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

103.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

104.)I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

105.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

106.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

107.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

108.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

109.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

110.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

111.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

112.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

113.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good-looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

114.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade

115.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad bad nightmare about Harry

116.)I will not charm a poster of myself on Draco's wall, no matter how much I know he wants it.