Hey y'all. I just wanted to let anyone who cares know that I'll probably be really slow on updating just about all my stories for a while here. I only write when it holds my fancy and when I have time. Currently, I'm working on writing a novel and it takes up a lot more time than my fanfiction, and I am also about to start my Junior Year of High School in about two weeks. I probably made it much harder on myself by deciding it was a smart idea to take 6 honors classes (3 of which are AP classes for college credit) and Ceramics and no study hall, so this should be a fun year, but that's alright. I'll still update when I can just don't expect a quick pace of it or anything.

Top three favorite book series, and quotes from them include:

Harry Potter:

1. “So light a fire!” Harry choked. “Yes… of course… but there’s no wood!” Hermione cried, wringing her hands. “HAVE YOU GONE MAD!” Ron bellowed. “ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!”
2. “They stuff people’s heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall,” Dudley told Harry. “want to come upstairs and practice?” “No, thanks,” said Harry. “The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it- it might be sick.”
3. "Proud?" said Harry. "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious..."
4. Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..."
5. As though an invisible hand were writing upon it, words appeared on the smooth surface of the map. "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
   Snape froze. Harry stared, dumbstruck, at the message. But the map didn't stop there. More writing was appearing beneath the first.
   "Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."
   It would have been funny if the situation hadn't been so serious. And there was more...
   "Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."
   Harry closed his eyes in horror. When he'd opened them, the map had had its last word.
   "Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."
6. One of them was a very old wizard who was wearing a long flowery nightgown. The other was clearly a Ministry wizard; he was holding out a pair of pinstriped trousers and almost crying with exasperation.
   "Just put them on, Archie, there's a good chap. You can't walk around like that, the Muggle at the gate's already getting suspicious-"
   "I bought this in a Muggle shop," said the old wizard stubbornly. "Muggles wear them."
   "Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these," said the Ministry wizard, and he brandished the pinstriped trousers.
   "I'm not putting them on," said old Archie in indignation. "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks."
7. "Of course we still want to know you!" Harry said, staring at Hagrid.
   "You don't think anything that Skeeter cow - sorry, Professor," he added quickly, looking at Dumbledore.
   "I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry," said Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling.
8. "What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?" said Snape softly. "Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade."
9. A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."
10. "Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our window, boy?"
    "Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
    His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
    "Listening to the news! Again?"
    "Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
11. "I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!"
    "What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?" said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.
12. "'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"
    "That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.
    "Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.
13. "Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"
    "Yes," said Harry stiffly.
    "Yes, sir."
    "There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."
14. "If I'm having lessons with you, I won't have to do Occlumency with Snape, will I?"
    "Professor Snape, Harry - and no, you will not."
    "Good," said Harry in relief, "because they were a -"
    "I think the word 'fiasco' would be a good one here."
15. "I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment," Dumbledore said to Uncle Vernon, "but the evidence so far suggests that that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness."
16. "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly, a bit of sausage flying off the fork he was now brandishing at Hermione and hitting Ernie Macmillan on the head. "My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
    "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in."
17. "Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'"
18. "How do you feel Georgie?" whispered Mrs.Weasley.
    George's fingers groped for the side of his head."Saintlike," he murmured.
    "What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?"
    "Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm holy. Holey, Fred, geddit?"
    Mrs.Weasley sobbed harder than ever. Color flooded Fred's pale face.
    "Pathetic," he told George. "Pathetic! With the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"
    "Ah well," said George, grinning at his tear-soaked mother. "You'll be able to tell us apart now, anyway, mum."
19. “I was awake half the night thinking it all over, and I believe it’s a plot to get the house.”
    “The house?” repeated Harry. “What house?”
    “This house!” shrieked Uncle Vernon, the vein in his forehead starting to pulse. “Our house! House prices are skyrocketing around here! You want us out of the way and then you’re going to do a bit of hocus-pocus and before we know it the deeds will be in your name and—“
    “Are you out of your mind?” demanded Harry. “A plot to get this house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?”
20. Ron, you know full well Harry and I were brought up by Muggles!” said Hermione. “We didn’t hear stories like that when we were little, we heard ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ and ‘Cinderella’—“
    “What’s that, an illness?” asked Ron.
21. He held out his hand, and Scrimgeour leaned forward again and placed the Snitch, slowly and deliberately, into Harry’s palm.
    Nothing happened. As Harry’s fingers closed around the Snitch, its tired wings fluttered and were still.
    Scrimgeour, Ron, and Hermione continued to gaze avidly at the now partially concealed ball as if still hoping it might transform in some way.
    “That was dramatic,” said Harry coolly.
    Both Ron and Hermione laughed.
22. The real Harry thought that this might just be the most bizzarre thing he had ever seen, and he had seen some extremely odd things. He watched as his six doppelgangers rummaged in the sacks, pulling out sets of clothes, putting on glasses, stuffing their own things away. He felt like asking them to show a little more respect for his privacy as they all began stripping off with impunity, clearly much more at ease with displaying his body than they would have been with their own.
    "I knew Ginny was lying about that tattoo," said Ron, looking down at his bare chest.
23. “Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn’t damage your soul at all.”
    “Which would be a real comfort to me, I’m sure,” said Ron.

    ---

Alex Rider:

1. “I love to kill fish,' Sayle went on. 'But when I saw this specimen of Physalia physalis, I knew I had to capture it and keep it. You see, it reminds me of myself.'
   'It's ninety-nine percent water. It has no brain, no guts, and no anus.' Alex had dredged up the facts from somewhere and spoken them before he knew what he was doing.”
2. “Whoever this man was, he seemed to have less life than anyone in the cemetery. Above or below ground.”
3. “What happened?" he demanded. "I heard an explosion!"
   "Yeah. I set the boat alight."
   "You did!"
   "Yeah."
   "But Alex ... we're on the boat!"
   "I'm afraid so.”
4. “Your name?"The movements of the man's mouth didn't quite match what he was saying, so seeing him speak was a bit like watching a badly dubbed film.
   "Alex Gardiner," Alex said.
   "Your real name?"
   "I just told you."
   "You lied. Your real name is Alex Rider."
   "Why ask if you think you know?”
5. “Strange though it is, Sarov still cares about you. He told me to leave you alone. But I think, this time, I must disobey the general. You are mine! And I intend to make you suffer..."
   "Just talking to you makes me suffer," Alex said.”
6. “You can kiss me if you like," she said.
   Alex let go of her and turned away. "Thanks, Fiona," he said. "But frankly I'd prefer to kiss the horse.”
7. “So it's a coincidence. Just like you said. Two rich parents with two rich kids at the same school. They're both killed in accidents. Why are you so interested?"
   "Because I don't like coincidence," Blunt replied. "In fact, I don't believe in coincidence. Where some people see coincidence, I see conspiracy. That's my job.”
8. “He looked from the phone to the unconscious figure of the Salesman. "What did you do to him?" he asked.
   "He got the wrong number," Alex said.”
9. “Alan Blunt got in touch with me and asked me to put you up here for the rest of the week, to pretend that you're my son. I have to say, you don't look anything like me."
   "I don't look anything like myself either," Alex said.”
10. “You've already said you were going to kill me," Alex said, "but I didn't think that meant you were going to bore me to death.”
11. “He was a commander in the Russian army at a time when the Russians were our enemies and still part of the Soviet Union. This wasn't very long ago, Alex.The collapse of communism. It was only in 1989 that the Berlin Wall came down." She stopped. "I suppose none of this means very much to you."
    "Well, it wouldn't," Alex said. "I was only two years old.”
12. “By any rights, he should be dead. He was involved in an explosion with a bomb, which he happened to be carrying at the time. Conrad is something of a scientific miracle. There are more than thirty metal pins in his body. He has a metal plate in his skull. There are metal wires in his jaw and in most of his major joints."
    "He must set off a lot of airport alarms," Alex muttered.”
13. “What is this place? Hogwarts?" -- Alex Rider
14. “There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.”
15. “Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this planet today?"
    "Is that including, or not including you?”
16. “You must have been going very fast."
    "I was until I hit the fence.”
17. “Alex decided he’d had enough. He put down his knife. “All right,” he said. “You’ve made it pretty clear that you don’t want to work with me. Well, that’s fine. Because I don’t want to work with you either. And for what it’s worth, nobody would ever believe you were my mom because no mom would ever behave like you.”
    “Alex…,” Carver began.
    “Forget it! I’m going back to London. And if you’re Mr. Byrne asks why, you can tell him I didn’t like the jelly, so I went home to get some jam.”
18. “I didn't set fire to the building."
    "No, but you did pull it into the river."
    "That put the fire out!”
19. “The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed."
    "I'd have been disappointed too.”
20. “I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?"
    "I wouldn't call you that...”
21. “Was it fate? Was it destiny?"
    "I think it was Alan Blunt.”
22. “Inside every fat man, there's a thin man trying to get out.”
23. “…my life has been a remarkable one. Maybe one day someone will write a book about me . . .”
    "I’ve never much cared for horror stories.”

    ---

Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus:

1. “Wow," Thalia muttered. "Apollo is hot."
   "He's the sun god," I said.
   "That's not what I meant.”
2. “The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important."
   "It was probably important to her.”
3. “I nodded, looking at Rachel with respect. "You hit the Lord of the Titans in the eye with a blue plastic hairbrush.”
4. “Dreams like a podcast,
   Downloading truth in my ears.
   They tell me cool stuff."
   "Apollo?" I guessed, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
   He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."
   "A god named Fred?”
5. “Very slowly using two fingers, Annabeth drew her dagger. Instead of dropping it, she tossed it as far as she could into the water.
   Octavian made a squeaking sound. "What was that for? I didn't say toss it! That could've been evidence. Or spoils of war!"
   Annabeth tried for a dumb-blonde smile, like: Oh, silly me. Nobody who knew her would have been fooled. But Octavian seemed to buy it. He huffed in exasperation.
   "You other two..." He pointed his blade a Hazel and Piper. "Put your weapons on the dock. No funny bus--"
   All around the Romans, Charleston Harbor erupted like a Las Vegas fountain putting on a show. When the wall of seawater subsided, the three Romans were in the bay, spluttering and frantically trying to stay afloat in their armor. Percy stood on the dock, holding Annabeth's dagger.
   "You dropped this," he said, totally poker-faced.”
6. “Now, come over here so I can pat you down."
   "But you don't have-" Percy stopped. "Uh, sure."
   He stood next to the armless statue. Terminus conducted a rigorous mental pat-down.
   "You seem to be clean," Terminus decided. "Do you have anything to declare?"
   "Yes," Percy said. "I declare that this is stupid.”
7. “Braccas meas vescimini!"
   I wasn't sure where the Latin came from. I think it meant 'Eat my pants!”
8. “The throne rumbled. A wave of gale-force anger slammed into me.
   WHO DARES-
   The voice stopped abruptly, The anger retreated, which was a good thing, because just those two words had almost blasted my mind to shreds.
   Percy. My father's voice was still angry but more controlled. What-exactly-are you doing on my throne?
   "I'm sorry, Father," I said. "I needed to get your attention."
   This was a very dangerous thing to do. Even for you. If I hadn't looked before I blasted, you would now be a puddle of seawater.”
9. “I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?"
   "Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you out or anything."
   "Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb."
   "Was it hard?" Annabeth asked.”
10. “As for my brothers," Zeus said, "we are thankful"-he cleared his throat like the words were hard to get out-"erm, thankful for the aid of Hades."
    The lord of the dead nodded. He had a smug look on his face, but I figure he'd earned the right. He patted his son Nico on the shoulders, and Nico looked happier than I'd ever seen him.
    "And, of course," Zeus continued, though he looked like his pants were smoldering, "we must...um...thank Poseidon."
    "I'm sorry, brother," Poseidon said. "What was that?"
    "We must thank Poseidon," Zeus growled. "Without whom . . . it would've been difficult-"
    "Difficult?" Poseidon asked innocently.
    "Impossible," Zeus said. "Impossible to defeat Typhon.”
11. “You weren't able to talk sense into him?"
    "Well, we kind of tried to kill each other in a duel to the death."
    "I see. You tried the diplomatic approach.”
12. “I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?"
    "Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple."
    "But...you did something nice. Why?"
    He raised an eyebrow. "I am nice! I simply ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?”
13. “Correct." Kekrops sounded bitter like he regretted his decision. "My people were the original Athenians--the Gemini."
    "Like your zodiac sign?" Percy asked. "I'm a Leo."
    "No, stupid," Leo said. "I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.”
14. “I could have killed you.”
    “Or I could have killed you,” Percy said.
    Jason shrugged. “If there’d been an ocean in Kansas, maybe.”
    “I don’t need an ocean—”
    “Boys,” Annabeth interrupted, “I’m sure you both would’ve been wonderful at killing each other. But right now, you need some rest.”
    Food first,” Percy said. “Please?”
15. “Two hundred Romans and no one’s got a pen? Never mind!"
    He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write.
    Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form?
    Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up.”
16. “You sneaked into my cabin?”
    Annabeth rolled her eyes. “Percy, you’ll be seventeen in two months. You can’t seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge.”
    “Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?”
    “Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven’t had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something—my favorite place aboard the ship.”
    Percy’s pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn’t from fear of getting in trouble. “Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?”
    “You'd better,” Annabeth said. “Because I’m not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you’re at it.”
17. “Legion, cuneum formate!’ Reyna yelled. ‘Advance!’ Another cheer on Jason’s right as Percy and Annabeth reunited with the forces of Camp Half-Blood.
    ‘Greeks!’ Percy yelled. ‘Let’s, um, fight stuff!’ They yelled like banshees and charged.
    Jason grinned. He loved the Greeks. They had no organization whatsoever, but they made up for it with enthusiasm.”
18. “Save yourselves!” Percy warned. “It is too late for us!”
    Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. “Oh, no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!”
    Nothing happened.
    “I said,” Percy repeated, “Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!”
    Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. “Oh, no,” he said like he was reading from a teleprompter. “I am turning into a crazy dolphin.”
    He began to change, his nose elongating into a snout, his skin becoming sleek and gray. He fell to the deck as a dolphin, his tail thumping against the boards.
    The pirate crew disbanded in terror.”
19. “Grover murmured, "Well, Percy, what have we learned today?"
    "That three-headed dogs prefer red rubber balls over sticks?"
    "No," Grover told me. "We've learned that your plans really, really bite!”
20. “The older lady harrumphed. "I warned you, daughter. This scoundrel Hades is no good. You could've married the god of doctors or the god of lawyers, but noooo. You had to eat the pomegranate."
    "Mother-"
    "And get stuck in the Underworld!"
    "Mother, please-"
    "And here it is August, and do you come home like you're supposed to? Do you ever think about your poor lonely mother?"
    "DEMETER!" Hades shouted. "That is enough. You are a guest in my house."
    "Oh, a house is it?" she said. "You call this dump a house? Make my daughter live in this dark, damp-"
    "I told you," Hades said, grinding his teeth, "there's a war in the world above. You and Persephone are better off here with me."
    "Excuse me," I broke in. "But if you're going to kill me, could you just get on with it?”
21. “Tyson, Frank is a descendant of Poseidon."
    "Brother!" Tyson crushed Frank in a hug.
    Percy stifled a laugh. "Actually he's more like a great-great-...Oh, never mind. Yeah, he's your brother."
    "Thanks." Frank mumbled through a mouthful of flannel.”
22. “What if we promoted, like, Adidas shoes?’ Percy wondered. ‘Would that make Nike mad enough to show up?" Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else – a stupid sense of humor. "Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!”
23. “THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!"
    Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!"
    He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy.
    "Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--"

My Top five favorite TV Shows and my favorite quotes, through as far as I've gotten in the series.

My Top five favorite TV Shows and my favorite quotes, through as far as I've gotten in the series.

Sherlock (just finished the third season):

1. Sherlock: “Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Isn’t it hateful.”
   Mrs. Hudson: “Oh, I’m sure something will turn up. A nice murder. That’ll cheer you up.”

2. Sherlock: “Impossible suicides? Four of them? There’s no point sitting at home when there’s finally something fun going on!
   Mrs. Hudson: “Look at you, all happy. It’s not decent.”
   Sherlock: “Who cares about decent? The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!”

3. Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you meant “spectacularly ignorant” in a nice way! Look, it doesn’t matter to me who’s Prime Minister, or who’s sleeping with who–
   John Watson: [muttering] Or that the earth goes around the sun.
   Sherlock: Oh God, that again! It’s not important!
   John: Not important? It’s primary school stuff! How can you not know that?
   Sherlock: Well, if I ever did, I’ve deleted it.
   John: “Deleted it”?
   Sherlock: Listen: [pointing to his head] This is my hard-drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful. Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish, and that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters! Do you see?
   John: But it’s the solar system!
   Sherlock: Oh, hell! What does that matter?! So we go around the sun! If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn’t make any difference! All that matters to me is the work! Without that, my brain rots. Put that in your blog – or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world!

4. “Anderson, don’t talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.“

5. Lestrade to Sherlock: “Don’t let it get you. I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room. In fact, so do most people.”

6. Sherlock: “Punch me in the face.”
   John: “Punch you?”
   Sherlock: “Yes, punch me in the face. Didn’t you hear me?”
   John: “I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ when you’re speaking – but it’s usually sub-text.”

7. John: “You … you told me once that you weren’t a hero. Umm … there were times I didn’t even think you were human, but let me tell you this: you were the best man, and the most human human being that I’ve ever known.”

8. Mycroft: “We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!”
   Sherlock: “What for?”

9. John: “I’m definitely going to kill you.”
   Sherlock: “Oh please. Killing me, that’s so two years ago.”

10. "...Murder. Sorry, did I say murder? I meant to say marriage. But, you know, they're quite similar procedures when you think about it. The participants tend to know each other and it's over when one of them's dead."

11. "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research."

12. John: "There's a severed head in the fridge"
    Sherlock: "Just tea for me thanks"

13. “Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day—if we’re very, very lucky—he might even be a good one.” — Lestrade

14. Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a 6. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now, go back, show me the grass.
    Dr. John Watson: When did we agree that?
    Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.
    Dr. John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
    Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
    [doorbell rings]
    Sherlock Holmes: [to the door] Shut up!
    Dr. John Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
    Sherlock Holmes: I don't know, how often are you away?

15. Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no, no, no, no, we're fine. No, it's the, uh, it's the burglar, he's got himself rather badly injured.
    [Neilson, bound and gagged, but otherwise unharmed, looks up in confusion]
    Sherlock Holmes: Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung.
    [pause]
    Sherlock Holmes: He fell out of a window.
    [cut to the first floor of Baker Street, where John is tending Mrs. Hudon's wounds]
    Mrs. Hudson: Oh! It stings...
    [a body falls past the window, landing with a crash]
    Mrs. Hudson: Oh, that was right on my bins.
    [Cut to a later street scene, as the ambulance pulls away]
    DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?
    Sherlock Holmes: It's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

16. Dr. John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight, we need to look after her.
    Mrs. Hudson: No...
    Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, she's fine.
    Dr. John Watson: No, she's not, look at her. She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor's orders.
    Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd.
    Dr. John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera-phone. Where is it, anyway?
    Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know.
    Mrs. Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clot.
    [chuckles takes it out of her bra]
    Mrs. Hudson: I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
    Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.
    Dr. John Watson: Shame on me?
    Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall.

17. Dr. John Watson: What's going on? Jeez, what the hell is happening?
    Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American; I'm restoring balance to the universe.

18. Irene Adler: [stark naked before them] D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.
    Sherlock Holmes: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
    Irene Adler: No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you. Oh, if I had to punch that face...
    Irene Adler: [looks over at John] ... I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.
    Dr. John Watson: [laughs nervously] Could you put something on, please? Uh, anything at all. A napkin...
    Irene Adler: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
    Sherlock Holmes: I don't think John knows where to look.
    [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
    Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where. I'm not sure about you.
    Sherlock Holmes: If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
    Dr. John Watson: You do borrow my laptop.
    Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.

19. "I think from now on we'll downgrade you to casual acquaintance, no more than three planned social encounters a year and always in John's presence. I have your contact details I will be monitoring." – Sherlock grilling Mary's ex David
    "They were right about you. You're a bloody psychopath." -- David
    "High-functioning sociopath — with your number." -- Sherlock, with a big smile

20. "As a mental exercise, I've often planned the murder of friends and colleagues. Now John, I'd poison.… I've given him chemicals and compounds that way and he's never even noticed. He missed a whole Wednesday one day." -- Sherlock

21. Sherlock: I said ‘Can you pass me a pen?’.
    John: [Entering the room] What? When?
    Sherlock: About an hour ago.
    John: Didn’t notice I’d gone out then?

22. Sherlock: Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off.
    Anderson: What, my face is?
    Lestrade: Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back.
    Anderson: Oh, for God's sake...
    Lestrade: Your back! Now, please!

23. Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on.
    Sherlock: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
    Lestrade: Ok, give me?
    Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands mustn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel... [sees John and suddenly realises] Actually, you know what? Ignore me.
    Lestrade: ...Sorry?
    Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It's just the, uh, shock talking.
    Lestrade: Wait, where are you going?
    Sherlock: I just need to, uh, talk about the rent—
    Lestrade: But I still have questions for you!
    Sherlock: Oh, what, now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket.
    Lestrade: Sherlock!

Hawaii Five-O (Just finished second season):

1. Danny:
   What's that look?
   McGarrett:
   What look?
   Danny:
   The look. The look you give me when you don't tell me what you're thinking, and the next thing I know I'm getting shot at.

2. [McGarrett is playing basketball with a prison inmate to get information on a suspect.]
   Danny: [to McGarrett] So you know, the other guy getting the ball in the hoop-that's bad.
   McGarrett: Hey, Danno, shut up.
   Danny: Do me a favor, don't call me Danno, okay?
   Prison Inmate: How long you two been married?

3. [as McGarrett brings up the security camera feed from the club]
   Danny: They teach you that in SEAL school?
   McGarrett: Yeah, it's called the using the Internet. People have been doing it since the early '90s. You might wanna look into it.
   Danny: I guess I was still playing Ms. Pac-Man.
   McGarrett: Yeah? You ever get to the double pretzel level?
   Danny: Triple banana, bitch.
   McGarrett: You're a liar.

4. McGarrett: There's an easy way to do things on this island and a hard way. Talking to Kawika before we go after Levi and Diego is the easy way.
   Danny: What's throwing a guy in a shark tank or hanging a guy off a roof?
   McGarrett: Those guys were from out of town.
   Danny: You are a sick person you know that?
   McGarrett: In the best possible way, right?
   Danny: No! No, not in the best possible way! In a very terrible way! That wasn't a compliment, you understand?

5. [McGarrett drives; Danno hangs on for dear life.]
   Danny: O-kay, I got a daughter…!
   McGarrett: Don't worry, I know these roads.
   Danny: This is not a road! A road has asphalt and two lanes! This is dirt on a cliff!
   McGarrett: You scared?
   Danny: I'm not scared; I'm rationally concerned.

6. McGarrett: I came to ask you a question.
   Danny: Well, if it's about the prom, I'm flattered, but I already have a date.

7. McGarrett: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around food?
   Danny: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around armed conflict?

8. McGarrett: Take that tie off. No one on a cruise ship wears a tie.
   Danny: Yes, they do. They do all the time, so they can hang themselves when they're bored.
   McGarrett: Well, put it in your pocket. You can kill yourself later.

9. Danny: Can I ask you a question? Why are you always driving my car?
   McGarrett: I like to drive.
   Danny: No, Rain Man liked to drive. You have control issues.

10. Steve: I may not be able to see you, okay. But I can hear you. And you have a tone.
    Danny: Tone? I don't have a tone. I don't have a tone.
    Steve: You say I have a face. You, my friend, you have a tone. You have a tone, okay? And it's a tone that says "I'm gonna hit somebody."

11. [Steve and Danny visit Samoan pawnshop operator Big Lono]
    Steve: You gonna open the door?
    Big Lono: Not a chance.
    Steve: I'll be back.
    Danny: "I'll be back?" [to Big Lono] He's done a lot better, trust me. [To Steve] That's all you can come up with is "I'll be back?"
    Steve: I've got something- I've got something good. [Goes outside]
    Danny: [to Big Lono] You see what you did? I don't know what he's gonna do. But if I were you: I'd run out the back, side, roof - go! [Steve returns with a grenade] A grenade? He has a grenade. Why do you have a grenade? He's got a grenade. You see this? He's not bluffing? He will pull the pin and blow everybody up. Will you trust me, please?
    Big Lono: That thing's not even real.
    Steve: You gonna open the door?
    Big Lono: No way.
    Steve: Okay. [Steve and Danny run outside as the grenade goes off]
    Danny: What is wrong with you? You need help! I will pay for it!

12. Steve: [about a snow globe] Why would you steal this?
    Johnny: I've always wanted to go to Paris.
    Steve: It's a beautiful city and if you go, you should pick yourself up a snow globe because that is Seattle.
    Danny: That's the Space Needle, not the Eiffel Tower, you schmuck!

13. Kono: "You don't find Johnny. He finds you."
    Danny: You're gonna quote this schmuck now?
    Kono: I can spoof Tiffany's cell and make it look like she's sending him a text.
    Danny: Lure him here. I like it. But move over, please. Because I'm gonna do this. Because it should be very filthy and you're a young lady.

14. Allison Marsh: [to McGarrett] I want to talk to your boss.
    McGarrett: Lady, I answer to God and to the Governor, neither of whom are going to help you out right now, so take a seat.

15. [Chin Ho, Danny, and Steve talk about Lori Weston]
    Chin Ho Kelly: What? Why wouldn't she last?
    Danny 'Danno' Williams: Well, Let's see what she looks like when she gets done with Sgt. Slaughter's Boot Camp.
    Steve McGarrett: What's that supposed to mean?
    Danny: Let's just try not to get the new girl blown up, kidnapped, or shot on her first day. That's all. Can we do that, Steven?
    Steve: I can't guarantee that.

16. [Steve catches on to Danny about Dr. Gabrielle Asano]
    Danny: I don't want a relationship.
    Steve: Coffee is not a relationship, it's a beverage.
    Danny: Not true, every relationship has started with a cup of coffee. Then it's dinner and a movie, okay? Next thing you know, you're divorced, you're moving to Hawaii so you can see your daughter every other weekend.
    Steve: You need to talk to someone professionally.
    Danny: I do. You. And now the session's over.

17. Danny: What are the perks of being a cop? The pay sucks, the hours suck. Sometimes I get...No no not sometimes, all the time, I get shot at all the time.
    Steve: What are you talking about? You never get...you hardly every get shot at.
    Danny: Is that a joke? Are you making a joke?
    Steve: Ok when's the last time you got clipped?
    Danny: You're not a funny person. Are you trying to be funny? You're not, ok. Here's my point alright, living practically rent-free in some rich guy's guest house seems to me like a nice perk for keeping the world a safe place.
    Steve: You homeless now? Why don't you try decorating? Why don't you get some doilies for the tables, flowers for the table?

18. Danny: [looks at Steve] On the phone you said you were bringing Shelburne back.
    Steve: Yeah, this is Shelburne. [points to his mom]
    Doris: [greets Danny] You can call me Mom, like someone, should.
    Danny: "Mom"? Whose mom?
    Steve: That'd be mine.
    Doris: Doris McGarrett.
    Danny: Danny Williams. You know, uh, for a woman who died in a car bomb you are remarkably well put together.
    Doris: Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.

19. [August March is unmasked over killing Angela Branson and an indirect role in a lithograph heist]
    Danny Williams: Any idea how your prints ended up on the stolen artwork? I mean, gloves. That's what I would have done. I mean, I figure an old pro like you would know to wear gloves.
    Steve McGarrett: Thirty years in prison made you rusty, March.
    August March: Maybe it's just old age.
    McGarrett: Maybe.
    March: I'm not going back to jail.
    McGarrett: I don't think you have a choice.
    March: What are my options?
    McGarrett: I don't think you understand. You don't have any options.

20. Chin Ho Kelly: The very first time I laid eyes on Malia, was right here on this beach. I was, uh, staying here at the Hilton while my apartment was getting repainted. There she was. She was riding these little ankle slappers, and she still managed to lose her board. ... I found her board, of course, but I told her she couldn't get it back until she agreed to go out to dinner with me... It didn't quite work out, though. She told me I could keep it. And then, about a week later, I get a knock on my door from some surf shop saying that the board is actually theirs, and I owe them five days rental...When she heard the news, um, she felt pity on me, and she called me.

21. Danny: I just had a thought.
    Steve: Don't hurt yourself.

22. Danny: You have got to do a better job of picking your friends.
    Steve: What are you talking about? I picked you.

23. Steve: This is densely layered ballistic glass, laminated onto a shield of resilient polycarbonate.
    Danny: Why can't you just say 'bulletproof?'

Criminal Minds (Almost done with season 6):

1. Hotchner: This is Dr. Reid.
   Heather's Brother: Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into medical school...
   Reid: They're PhD's, three of them.
   Heather's Brother: Are you a genius or something?
   Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [gets a weird look] Yes, I'm a genius.

2. Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of supreme genius.
   Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work me some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple hours to live. So what do you know?

   Garcia: Then you've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack-resistant software out there. You're going to have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.

   Morgan: I thought I was calling the office of supreme genius.

   Garcia: Well gorgeous you've been rerouted to the office of too frickin' bad.

3. Patrol Guy: You're one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.
   Gideon: You're a bit skeptical.
   Patrol Guy: Maybe a little.
   Gideon': Your girlfriend thinks you're going to break up with her.
   Patrol Guy: You're kidding, right?
   Gideon: Well, you keep adjusting your necklace. That tells me you're not used to wearing one or somebody else probably bought it for you, bought it recently, and the Chinese symbol on it means "forever yours."
   [Later]
   Gideon': You broke up with her. No more necklace.
   Patrol Guy: Yeah, I kinda wanted to date someone else.
   Gideon: What's her name?
   Patrol Guy: Brian
   Gideon: Oh. Well, that's... That's a pretty good reason.

4. Hotch: I spent a good chunk of my childhood looking for a 1944 penny worth thousands.

[everyone stares]

Hotch: Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd, is that so surprising?

Elle: Not to me...

1. Morgan: Come on Baby blow!

Elle: (laughing at Reid who is having trouble blowing out his candles) I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.

JJ: They're trick candles, Spence! They come back each time!

Morgan: (pulling on his hat like a baby) Aww, Mommy to the rescue!

Reid: Mommy?

Elle: (puts her hand on his shoulder) Ignore him!

Hotchner: (watching them interact) Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24?

Gideon: Imagine what he'll know by fifty!

Agent: Agent Hotchner?

JJ: (looks at Elle smiling) Hope you like chocolate!

Morgan: You blew wax on the cake man!

Reid: Sorry! (sees all the people crowding him then runs over to Gideon)

Gideon: You having fun?

Reid: (dully) Yes, yes I'm definitely having fun!

Gideon: (smiles apologetically) You make a wish yet?

Reid: (eyes the "cake" hat nervously) Can I take this hat off?

Gideon: (looks at the others) I wouldn't!

JJ: (calls to Spencer) Hey, Spence? (holds out a slice of cake on a plate) The first piece for the birthday boy!

Reid: (goes to walk away but walks back to Gideon) She's the only person in the whole world who calls me Spence.?! (laughs nervously)

JJ: (calls from off-screen) Hey Spence? Get over here! (as Spencer sits at his desk) Did everyone get some?

Elle: (as she's eating) Mm! (as JJ goes to take a bite) There's a cherry in it! (then JJ raises her eyebrows surprised)

Morgan: (as Spencer goes to eat some cake) Hey, JJ? (as she looks at him) Why don't you feed it to him?

Spencer: (sighs audibly)

1. Morgan: I hate not having a plan. We're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Reid: Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles.

Morgan: What?

Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack.

Morgan: [chuckling] Okay, then we're not looking for someone who stands out.

Reid: No, we're looking for a particular needle, in a pile of needles.

[Morgan gives him a look while he's busy looking through binoculars]

1. Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?

Elle: Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.

Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?

Elle: Have you ever asked anyone?

Reid: [Reid shifts his eyes] No.

Elle: That's why you can't get a date.

1. Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.

Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?

Reid: Every day since I met you.

Elle: This morning at breakfast.

Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards, um, we've got one minute.

Morgan: Anybody ever heard of sarcasm?

Elle and Reid: Mmhm.

1. Elle: [regarding Cheryl, claiming that she can feel when something is wrong with her twin] You think Cheryl's a whackjob because she claims she can feel her sister's anxiety?

Morgan: I never said whackjob.

[Reid walks in]

Reid: Actually, there may be a physiological basis for it.

Morgan: Don't ask.

Reid: Reversed egg symmetry, monozygotic eggs split late between nine to twelve days, the DNA matches right down to the very last stranded code. There are sporadic documents of shared physiological pain.

Morgan: And you believe it?

Reid: No. I'm just saying it's possible.

1. Hotchner: [about a headshot Reid accomplished] Nice shot.

Reid: I was aiming for his leg.

Hotchner: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking, but I was afraid you didn't get my plan.

Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.

Hotchner: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.

Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine-year-old girl. [tries to return the gun]

Hotchner: No, keep it. As far as I'm concerned, you passed your qualification.

1. Elle: Reid failed his qualification.

Gideon: He can retest in two weeks.

Elle: Yeah, but he's gonna be embarrassed, so let's not mention it.

Gideon: Yeah, let's not.

Morgan: Not a word. [Reid enters the room] Hey, We're all here for you. I'm serious. If you ever need anything… [places a whistle around Reid's neck and blows on it] …just blow on that.

1. Reid: Nobody gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.

Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?

Reid: That everyone is medicated.

Garcia: Did you just make a joke?

Reid: No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it-

Garcia: Reid, next time just say yes.

1. Hotchner: You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household...it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.

Vincent: Some people?

Hotchner: What's that?

Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers.

Hotchner: ...And some people grow up to catch them.

1. Elle: [complaining] Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?

Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You're all right?

Elle: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'

Gideon: Elle?

Elle: Yeah?

Gideon: Don't ever call me 'Dad' again. [walks away]

Elle: [to Reid] What do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'

Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

1. [Reid is pouring piles of sugar into his coffee]

Derek Morgan: Easy there, tough guy. Have some coffee with your sugar.

Dr. Spencer Reid: I need something to wake me up.

Derek Morgan: Ooh, late night?

Dr. Spencer Reid: Very.

Derek Morgan: My man!

Dr. Spencer Reid: Not that kind of late night!

1. Gideon: Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me?

Hotchner: Yeah.

Gideon: Why?

Hotchner: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.

Gideon: I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer, unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first.

Hotchner: So she got two gifts?

Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!

1. Ryan: [reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.

Gideon: He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now.

Ryan: I used this specific quote in my--

Reid: In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane.

Ryan: And you remember the page number and the quote?

Morgan: Don't ask.

1. JJ: That's Hotch's brother? I don't see it.

Hotchner: Sean, listen to me. All I'm saying is that you're 25 years old.

Sean: You know what? Don't profile me, Aaron! [storms away]

JJ: [looking at his butt] Now I see it.

1. Blackwolf: Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are.

Reid: The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.

Hotchner: Reid. Is your name Samuel?

Reid: Sorry.

1. Reid: I'm looking forward to seeing New York.

Morgan: You've never been to New York?

Reid: We've never had an unsub there.

Hotchner: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.

Gideon: What's vacation time?

Morgan: Reid, it's a one hour flight...

JJ: Well, if we have some time, we'll show you around.

Morgan: It's a three-hour train ride, man!

1. [After the room the unsub was in blows up setting the building on fire]

Hotchner: What the hell was that?

Reid: He had a bomb.

Morgan: You didn't think we needed to know that?

Reid: I told you to go downstairs.

Morgan: You didn't say "bomb!"

1. [Reid is sitting alone after unintentionally telling Garcia that his mom is institutionalized. She gets close to him.]

Garcia: She's ok. Your mom. They just picked her up, she should be at the airport by now.

[Reid takes the Valentine poem his mom read to him and that the Fisher King sent]

Reid: I forgot she used to read me this poem [smiles, it's funny, hah.

Garcia: Funny?

Reid: I should've realized this sooner. Nobody knows the fact that JJ collected butterflies except for me. People tell me their secrets all the time. I think it's because they know I don't have anyone to betray them to. Except for my mother. I tell her pretty much everything. [Laughs]

Garcia: [smiling] I don't think anyone would mind

Reid: Did you know that I write her a letter every day?

Garcia: That's nice

Reid: Depends on WHY I write her

Garcia: What do you mean?

Reid: I write her a letter so I won't feel so guilty about not visiting her... [looks down] Did you know that schizophrenia is genetically passed?

1. Elle: (running from the car) Hotch? You already got him?

Hotchner: I told you to stay out of the field.

Elle: Yeah, I know, but Reid said that you wanted us so I…

Reid: (indignant) No, I didn't!

Elle: Yes, you did.

Hotchner: I'm sure you didn't, Reid.

Elle: (to Reid, sarcastically) Thanks.

1. Morgan: So, why the woods, JJ?

JJ: Hmmm?

Morgan: Your fear, you said it was of the woods.

JJ: Err, I used to be a camp counselor when I was a teenager, in the woods up around Vermont. I had the night shift, you know, tuck the girls in, turn off the lights, you know, the typical drill. Everything seemed fine. The kids were asleep, you know, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Until... I noticed that there was some blood, on the hallway floor. So I followed the blood trail down the hall to the camp director's cabin, walked up to his bed, and... he was just lying there, under his covers, dead. Someone stabbed him. I ran out of there so fast, out the door, down the hall. I can just remember it being really dark. Once I got to the door, there was another counselor there; I guess she heard me scream. They caught the caretaker on his way out of town. I guess he still had the knife on him. Anyway, I guess that's probably when I decided I didn't like the woods.

Morgan: You're serious?

JJ: [sips coffee looking serious and pauses] No!

[shakes head]

JJ: I mean you fell for that?

[they laugh]

JJ: Come on! I don't know why I'm afraid of the woods! I am. Why is he still afraid of the dark?

Morgan: Yeah, Reid why are you still afraid of the dark?

Reid: Because of the inherent absence of light!

[they laugh]

Morgan: JJ, that was pretty good. Just know that paybacks are a bitch.

JJ: I'm shakin'.

1. Reid: There's nothing in the juvenile records.

Garcia: Okay, so think like a high school student.

Reid: I was 12 and hadn't gone through puberty yet when I was in high school.

Garcia: Okay, reset. I'll think like a high school student, you think like a profiler.

1. JJ: Nothing's happening.

Reid: Shhh, watch! [the rocket launches, JJ and Garcia scream, and it hits Prentiss in the head]

Prentiss: Ooh, ow, what...?

Reid: [laughing] I'm so sorry, Emily!

Prentiss: What was that?!

Garcia: Don't you recognize a rocket when you see one?

Reid: I was merely demonstrating a physics law. I-I didn't mean to...

Prentiss: Ooh, show me!

Reid: All right. Uh, turn around, please.

Prentiss: Turn around?

JJ: Yeah, he's not gonna show you how it's done.

Reid: A magician doesn't reveal his secrets.

Prentiss: I thought you said it was physics?

Reid: Physics... magic!

Garcia: Trust me, it will not do you any good to argue with him.

1. Hotch: Physics magic?

Reid: Yes, sir.

Hotch: Reid, we talked about this.

Reid: I'm sorry, sir.

Hotch: [smiling] You're really starting to get some distance on those. [Hotch walks away and the girls turn back to Reid]

Prentiss: So he does have a sense of humor?

Reid: Sometimes.

1. Hotch: Okay, I'll start...I have no sense of humor...

JJ: [hesitantly] You're a bully?

Hotch: I'm a bully.

Morgan: [gamely] You can be a drill sergeant sometimes.

Hotch: Right...

Prentiss: [quickly] You don't trust women as much as men.

Hotch: Okay, good, I'm all these things, but none of you said that I put myself above the team because I don't--ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism--he knew I would remember that. And he also quoted Genesis 23 verse 4. Read it.

JJ: I am a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property for a burial place among you that I may bury my dead out of my sight.

Hotch: He wouldn't get it wrong unless it was on purpose.

Morgan: He's in a cemetery.

1. Gideon: The first recorded war was 2700 BC. Probably earlier wars, but writing hadn't been invented yet.

Hotchner: Almost five thousand years of killing each other.

Gideon: One thing human beings have been consistently good at.

1. Reid: I missed that plane on purpose.

Gideon: I know.

Reid: I'm struggling.

Gideon: Well... anybody who's been through what you've been through recently... would.

Reid: This is all I was groomed for. I never even ... I never even considered another option.

Gideon: Now you're questioning whether or not you're strong enough to be here?

Reid: Yeah.

Gideon: I have been playing at this job in one way or another for almost 30 years. I've felt lost. I've felt great. I have felt scared, sick, and insane. I don't know, I guess the day this job stops gnawing at your soul... and your hands, your hands stop feeling cold, maybe that's the time to leave.

Reid: I guess I just needed to figure out if I could step away from this job.

Gideon: And?

Reid: I'll never miss another plane again.

1. Prentiss: [in a bar, acting very excited] Ladies, this is Brad -- a real FBI agent!

Garcia: Really?

Prentiss: Really!

JJ: No way!

Garcia: That's exciting! What's it like at Quan-ti-co?

JJ: Must be tough keeping all those secrets.

Brad: It's a skill, like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. The FBI's good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass.

Prentiss: Can we see it?

Brad: See what?

Prentiss: Your badge.

Garcia: Please?

Brad: Sorry, that's...

Prentiss, JJ, Garcia together: Classified

Prentiss: [she holds up her badge] Tell me, Brad, does it look anything like this?

JJ: [hold up hers] Or this?

Garcia: [holds up hers] Or maybe this?

[Brad hurries away]

1. Morgan: What did you guys get?

Hotch: Well, Reid got propositions from every prostitute we talked to, but we didn't find anybody who thinks they've seen the unsub.

1. Hotch: Once again the team had battled a monster, and won.

Erin Strauss: The future of the BAU is not in the balance here. The residual impact as a result of investigations into the crimes and criminals you pursue is. Every cause has its effect.

Hotch: You think I don't know that?

Erin Strauss: I believe you are no longer effective in your post.

Hotch: The modern furniture, strategically placed magazines, the framed diplomas, the art in the wall...they're all in conflict with your family photos. You have three children but you favor the middle one, your son.

Erin Strauss: What do you think you're do--

Hotch: Of course, you love all your children, but not like your son.

Erin Strauss: That's enough!

Hotch: The bonsai you obsessively nurture is to compensate for feelings of failure as a mother...

Erin Strauss: Agent Hotchner, I said that is enough! My position is not in question here. As your superior, I am questioning your ability to lead your team...

Hotch: My team? Let me tell you about my team. Agent Morgan fought to protect his identity from the very people who could save him. Why? Because trust has to be earned, and there are very few people he truly trusts. Reid's intellect is a shield which protects him from his emotions, and at the moment his shield is under repair. Prentiss overcompensates because she doesn't yet feel she's a part of the team; she needn't worry. Every day, Agent Jareau fields dozens of requests for our team, and every night she goes home hoping she has made the right choices. Garcia fills her office with figurines and color to remind herself to smile as the horror fills her screens. And Agent Gideon in many ways is damned by his profound knowledge of others, which is why he shares so little of himself, yet he pours his heart into every case we handle. I stand by my actions, and I stand by my team, and if you think that you can find a better person for the job, then good luck.

Erin Strauss: Agent Hotchner.

Hotch: How do I know you favor your son? I'm good at my job.

1. Reid: Wittman's place is on the fourth floor. [gets in the elevator] Can you get in there?

Hotch: I'll… meet you guys up there.

[The elevator stops and Morgan bounces a bit, causing it to shake]

Reid: Don't do that.

Morgan: Why isn't it moving?

Reid: I don't know. [Morgan starts pushing buttons] Don't-Stop it! Don't-

Morgan: What? What's the problem?

Reid: Don't do that!

Morgan: Why not?

Reid: Cause there are six elevator-related deaths per year, not to mention ten thousand injuries that require hospitalization. Chill out.

Morgan: Those sound like pretty good odds to me. What- what are you scared Reid? You're scared.

Reid: I'm not scared. I don't wanna be in an elevator with you, to be honest.

Morgan: [Starts to pushing buttons] How about if I push that? What if I push- [Elevator suddenly falls and both become visibly freaked] Whoa. Whoa. Ok.

Reid: Um… Hit the-Hit the- [Morgan hits the alarm button and Hotch hears the alarm bell sound] Push it!

Morgan: I'm- Push, pull, push, pull. I'm doin' it. Nothing's happening.

Reid: Pry- Pry the- Pry the door open. Just-yeah.

Morgan: [Grunting in an effort to get the door open] It's stuck, man. Uhh [falls back against the elevator wall] No, no, no, no. Not today. No, not today.

Reid: [In high-pitched-voice] Hotch.

Morgan: [Starts pressing the alarm again] HOTCH! [The elevator finally opens and he stumbles out] Hallelujah.

Hotch: Was that the alarm? You guys ok?

Reid: [Walking out slowly] I'll get back to you on that.

1. Emily: [teasing Reid about coloring in a map] You know, I could have gotten you a coloring book at the airport.

Reid: I'm creating a topographical map weighing down and geocoding all key locations looking for algorithms.

Emily: [nods, confused] Yeah, that's exactly what I thought you were doing.

1. Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?

Reid: I'm not a salesman. I'm with the FBI.

Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious! You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes. I could snap you like a twig.

Rossi: But then... [steps into frame and flashes credentials] ...he isn't alone.

1. Morgan: [to Garcia] Good morning, princess.

Garcia: Good morning.

Morgan: Pump your brakes. [motions to Garcia to approach him] Every day I say 'Good Morning'. Every day you say 'I'll show you a good morning, hot stuff.' Everyday. Not today?.

Garcia: I hate profilers. You know that?

Morgan: Spit it out.

Garcia: Well, I met a guy...

Morgan: You did what? Where?

Garcia: Coffee Shop. Smoking hot. I fixed his computer and then he asked for my number.

Morgan: And you just...?

Garcia: Gave it to him. Can you believe that? A complete stranger. Did I mention he was smoking hot?

Morgan: Uh, yeah, yeah. I think you did.

1. Morgan: [Handing Garcia a gun] Take this and stay put.

Garcia: No, no, no, I don't believe in guns!

Morgan: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

1. Reid: You should have listened to me.

Morgan: It wouldn't have saved that much time, Reid. Let it go.

Reid: The interchange between to 405 and 101 freeways is consistently rated the worst interchange in the entire world.

Morgan: Why do you know that?

Reid: It's in the government report.

Morgan: So what?

Reid: So, you work for the government. You don't read the reports?

Morgan: On traffic patterns in a city twenty-five hundred miles away from where I live?

Reid: Twenty-two hundred and ninety-five miles.

Morgan: Do not make me smack you in front of all these people.

1. Morgan: [on the phone with Garcia] Just leave it alone until I get there. Hey, hey, hardhead. Don't make me spank you when I get back.

Reid: Don't listen to him Garcia, he's all talk. [Morgan smacks Reid's head] Ow! JJ, he just hit me!

JJ: [not looking up] Boys, behave or I will ground you both.

1. Morgan: You got any idea what Rossi was working on?

JJ: I think Garcia might know. He stopped by her place last night.

Morgan: What?

Prentiss: Why?

Garcia: I'm really not supposed to say cause he said he wanted to keep it between us.

Prentiss: He might need our help.

Garcia: He didn't ask anyone for help!

Prentiss: Penelope, Rossi is a guy who color-codes his handwritten notes in his notebooks; Blue pen for evidentiary items, red pen for supposition and theory. The guy is a fussy, anal-retentive neat-freak who never leaves anything out of its place. I would say this - [gestures to Rossi's messy office] - is a scream for help.

1. Kevin: Agent Rossi we need to talk... about Penelope... man-to-man.

Rossi: Man-to-man?

Morgan: What about Penelope?

JJ: [in a sing-song voice] Garcia and Kevin sitting in a tree... [walks away]

Morgan: Get out of here... you serious? [walks away]

Prentiss: Just when I thought that nothing scandalous was ever going to happen around here.

Reid: What? What does that mean?

Prentiss: Didn't you hear JJ?

Reid: The song meant something? No. No, I missed it!

Prentiss: Yeah! It... it... it... You know what? Never mind.

1. [Right after the team get in South Beach, Florida]

Reid: Ha! It's always this hot?

[Morgan and Rossi look at two women walking in the street]

Morgan: Every day, all day.

Rossi: That's South Beach.

Reid: That's not what I'm talking about.

Hotch: They know.

1. Garcia (speaking over the phone to adoption services): Yes, I know, 54 Native Americans. Ma'am, I have all that. What I really need now is identifiable information. (pauses, as JJ steps into the room) Yes, I know what a closed adoption means. Do you know what a court order means?

JJ: We don't have time for court orders.

Garcia: Right. Well, you know what Ma'am, I am done being nice. If you look to your cursor, you'll notice that it's moving on its own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I've got her file, now I've got her social, and now, because you're grumpy, I'm going to send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines.

1. JJ: Anyone need directions back to the airstrip?

Morgan: Town's only got one road. We'll find it.

Prentiss: Yeah, Morgan doesn't like to follow directions. You didn't know those things?

Reid: Yeah, he likes to 'vibe it.'

Morgan: Okay, smartass, you drive. (throws the car keys to Reid)

Prentiss: Oh, great.

Reid: Sweet.

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