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Fav Quotes:

Embrace the randomness or you will never taste the rainbow. - Me!

If I can't be accepted, I'll just settle for being ignored. - Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Duct tape is like The Force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -Anonymous

If at first you succeed - try to hide your astonishment. - Harry F. Banks

One thing about the speed of light - it gets here too early in the morning. - Anonymous

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? - Anonymous

When you come to a fork in the road, take it! - Yogi Berra

Be nice to people. They outnumber you 6.5 billion to one. - Anonymous

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say "How to Build a Boat." - Stephen Wright

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. - Anonymous

What's another word for "thesaurus"? - Anonymous

I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. Things are so much fun when you're around. - Emmett from Twilight

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. –Edgar Allan Poe

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all. - Cecil Frances Alexander

You don't have to wear the crown to be the king. - Anthony Williams, Project Runway Season 7

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty - Winston Churchill

The next time the devil reminds you of your past remind him of his future. - Unknown

Don't follow in my footsteps I run into walls. - Unknown

I could fix it, if I only had some duct tape. - Murdock from Macgyver

Doors are for people with no imaginations. - Skuldurggery Pleasant.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. - Unknown

I haven't lost my mind! I sold it on eBay. - Unknown

And is it fair that Pluto has to live in a dog house, while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around and play golf with Mickey? . . . It's just something that's always bothered me - Louis Stevens

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. - Unknown

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic... - Unknown

Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow to find out that the leprechaun has it booby trapped. - Unknown

If a polar bear is gay, then is it bipolar? - A girl in my Spanish class

Violence is never the answer, unless the question is "What takes place during a war?" - Unknown

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES! - Unknown

You're just jealous 'cause the little voices are talking to me. - Unknown

Dare to be different. - Me!

I don't want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she was different. I want to be remembered as the one who stood out because she stayed true to herself. - Me!

In 2014 the government will start shipping the idiots away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong and pack your crayons. - A text message from one of my friends

For crying out loud, is it wrong to assume he's so far in the closet that he's fighting to free Narnia? - Daydreamer897 on Ashfur, The Truth About Warriors (Honestly, I could list a thousand funny quotes from this story, but that would be weird)

I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You’re next" "You’re next". Well they stopped doing that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals. - Unknown

I have no empty heroes. My goodies are good, and my baddies are bad. There are no schizophrenic goodies or sympathetic baddies. And children like it that way; it's not confusing. And they want the goodies to defeat the bads. - Brain Jacques

I suppose there's a child inside me who wants to get out...A little baldy child with a beard. - Brain Jacques

Musings of the Crazies:

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

EMO--Extravagantly Made Origami

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

If you're going to criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

Boys are like Slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Boys are like trees, they take 50 years to grow up.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

It’s always in the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would you keep looking after you found it?

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

When in doubt, make up words.

Flying is simple! Just throw yourself towards the earth, then miss the ground.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my milk!!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Stupidity is not a crime so you're free to go.

I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

PMS - Possible Murder Suspect

I ran with scissors, and lived!

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Curiosity killed whoever got in my way.

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

When someone annoys you, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend your arm and whack them upside the head.

I know who I am...your approval really isn't needed.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

To date, life has been a race between Software companies making bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe making bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I may end up using it later.

Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.

Every day I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight.

My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem…let me fix it for you? *holds up a wrench*

There are three stages of insanity: Denial, Acceptance, and Freaking Everybody Out. I've reached the third.

Out of my mind. Be back in ten years…maybe.

Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some good ideas.

I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.

I can only please on person per day. Today is just not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's

A true idiot clims a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

When life gives you lemons, you make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you more, you throw them back, because really, who likes lemons? And when it gives you even more, squirt them in their eyes and see how much life likes lemons then.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity got framed.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

The extinction of the dinosaurs was no accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!

Don't worry about the end of the world coming today- it's already tomorrow in Australia.

Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid!

Two things are infinite; infinity, and human stupidity. Not so sure about infinity...

Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible?

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly

Don't hit kids. Seriously, they have guns now.

If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So SHUT UP!

I don't have a dog. I eat my own homework.

WARNING- stop throwing your cigarette butts on the carpet! Seriously, the cockroaches are getting cancer!

There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't.

The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow!

If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking

At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and she got away.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Your Nightmares Are Real!

Dad’s New Wife, Robert

Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Popular Last Words:

"Oops."

"I didn't know that part came off."

"Oh $@#%."

"Hey, honey! Look!"

"No hands!"

"I don't think that's supposed to bend that way."

"I can too!"

"It's perfectly harmless."

"OF COURSE I know what I'm doing."