Meh, Mehself, and I

Quotes I like

All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.

"You can't fight the fangirls! - JUST LET ME KILL THE ANNOYING ONES!! Aww, you should be so happy you have any!!"

"They always say that a murderer is a loner; Well of course he is a loner! HE HAS BEEN KILLING PEOPLE!!"

"You think he'd notice if we turned his cat pink?"

"You better not pout, you better not cry, hey guess what I'm telling you why, Santa Claus has been dead for years."

"Absolutely NO ONE is too refined to tell you where to shove it, pal!"

"Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else."

"You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."

"If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?"

"When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and say, "Give me chocolate!" When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life until life falls down. When life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice at people you don't like. When life gives you lemons, demand to speak with life about their ripeness."

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole!"

"I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you."

"Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas."

"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."

"When in doubt, push random buttons!"

"There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves."

"They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people..."

"The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good."

"The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not."

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police."

"Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

"Stupid people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

"Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

"Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

"Who's the fool who said "nothing's impossible"? They never tried slamming a revolving door...

"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

"'Are we fighting?' 'No, if we were fighting, you'd be on the floor, bleeding.'"

"Boys are like purses, cute, full of crap, and easy to replace."

"My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway."

"A day without sunshine is like... night."

"'Go forth and set the world on fire.' screw the metaphorical, literal all the way!"

"It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?"

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not."

"You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it."

"I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love."

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. If the doctor's cute, screw the fruit."

"Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!"

"I smile because I have no idea what's going on!"

"Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?"

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"I'm not insane... I just do whatever the voices tell me to."

"The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."

"Normal is just a setting on washing machines."

"I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."

"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth!"

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If you can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If you can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If you can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.