"Something" since 19-Something's (18-Something in Jasper's Case)

Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You Since 1901

Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You Since 1916

Alice Cullen: Quirkier Than You Since 1901

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies Since 1843

Bella Swan: Danger Magnet since 1987

Parents spend the first half of your life teaching you to walk and talk, and the other half telling you to sit down and shut up.

I'm not afraid of death. What's it going to do? Kill me?

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone!

Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary.

How come parents always say, "Don't take candy from strangers," But on Halloween, it is encouraged?

TOP 8 REASONS WHY INSANITY IS AWSOME:
1. You're never alone. you can make up all the friends you want.
2. It's always easy to find someone to talk to. Inanimate objects are great listeners.
3. You don't need to try at all. People have low expectations of you.
4. You're never homeless. Insane asylums are warm and give you free food.
5. Fun times are easy to find. Pretend to be insane and see how many funny looks people give you on the street.
6. People are nicer when it's "not your fault, you're just crazy."
7. You can get away with anything just by pleading insanity.
8. Clothes aways fit. Straight jakets are one size fits all."

.~10 Ways To Act Like A Retard~
1. Pull on a "push" door.
2. Talk backwards
3. Say you're going to mow the cat and feed the lawn.
4. Say random things at random times... Oh look! Freddy the Polar Bear followed me home from the pizza store
5. When you hear your name say, Dumm Dumm DUMMM...
6. Go to an Italian restaurant and ask for sushi.
7. Try to speak Japanese to a Spanish lady.
8. Try to pay with a credit card at McDonald's for a 1 thing.
9. Ask yourself a question and then answer it.
10. Run around with your eyes wide open yelling, "I'M A TREE STUMP!"

~~10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:
1. Ask For Directions To A Place You're Already At.
2. Try To Order Pizza From McDonalds.
3. Get Hit By A Parked Car.
4. Try To Watch Saturday Cartoons On A Thursday.
5. Try To Sell Your Money.
6. Try To Play The Alphabet On The Piano.
7. Eat All You Can Eat At A Store.
8. Get Into A Fight With Yourself And Lose.
9. Try To Go Swimming Without Getting Wet.
10. Ask For Diet Water At A Restaurant

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

This is evil me. Evil me locked nice me in a closet years ago. Don't like it? LIVE WITH IT. lol

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune. :O

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.