PMS - Possible Murder Suspect

As I lay in bed looking at the twinkling stars above me, I think, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"

I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on Ebay.

Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

I'm only mean to people who tell me to be nice!

Curiosity killed whoever got in my way.

I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Most teachers promote the three R's; Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic. Then there are those that promote three S's; Sit down, Shut up, and STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!!

A good friend bails you out of jail. A best friend is sitting in the next cell, laughing, and saying, "That was fun, let's do it again!"

A good friend helps find your Prince Charming. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

Weird is running up and down the street in a bikini, rubbing butter all over yourself, and screaming "I'm a pretty muffin!"

You say I'm not cool. But cool is the same as cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

People are like slinkies. Basically useless, but it's so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs.

When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump off a bridge, I laugh harder.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

To date, life has been a race between Software companies making bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe making bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

Smile. It scares people.

An overly-positive attitude may not be enough to solve a problem, but it sure ticks people off enough for it to be worth it!

There are easier things to do in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman."

I'm not so good with advice. May I offer a sarcastic comment?

The knack of flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

Whoever said words don't hurt have obviously never had a hard-backed encyclopedia hurled at their head.

Sticks and stones may brake my bones, but words will eventually kill me

Hell hath no fury that of a scorned woman. I'll help make sure of it.

When someone annoys you, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend your arm and whack them upside the head.

I get plenty of exercise; jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Life isn't passing me by! It's trying to run me over!

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'

I didn’t escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!

Drive like you stole it!

I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me

That does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast!

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it

I know who I am...your approval really isn't needed

Normal people worry me

I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.

I do not have an attitude problem! I have an attitude, but I just can't find a problem with it.

Anyone: Go to hell!

You: I did. But Hell was full, so I came back

And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Everyday I'm proven horribly wrong.

It's not PMS...it's you

I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

I'm not mean, you're just a sissy.

You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.

Be the type of woman, that when your feet land on the floor when you get out of bed in the morning, the devil thinks: "Oh, crap! She's up!"

Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid

-FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is Optional.

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.

You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never had

Yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet

Save the earth. it's the only planet with chocolate.

There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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