Old account. It has been dropped. Stories will stay but won't be updated. Sorries!

But for your amusement:

It all started when our uber geek, Adam West, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally stunned, Adam West hit a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved pineapple was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Ham Sandwich. Adam West had known Ham Sandwich for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were striking ones. Ham Sandwich was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Adam West called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Ham Sandwich picked up to a very sad Adam West. Ham Sandwich calmly assured him that most legless puppies yawn before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Adam West. Why was Ham Sandwich trying to distract Adam West? Because he had snuck out from Adam West's with the pineapple only three days prior. It was a exotic little pineapple... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Adam West got back to the subject at hand: his pineapple. Ham Sandwich yawned. Relunctantly, Ham Sandwich invited him over, assuring him they'd find the pineapple. Adam West grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ham Sandwich realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the pineapple and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Adam West took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least six minutes before Adam West would get there. But if he took the Mystery Machine? Then Ham Sandwich would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ham Sandwich was interrupted by four annoying platypus that were lured by his pineapple. Ham Sandwich sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aimlessly reached for his ripened avocado and thoughtfully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mystery Machine rolling up. It was Adam West.

--o0o--

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Adam West was out of the Mystery Machine and went sassily jaunting toward Ham Sandwich's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ham Sandwich was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the pineapple into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his elephant. Ham Sandwich was exasperated but at least the pineapple was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Ham Sandwich wildly purred. With a careful push, Adam West opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Ham Sandwich assured him. Adam West took a seat excruciatingly close to where Ham Sandwich had hidden the pineapple. Ham Sandwich cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Adam West was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Ham Sandwich noticed a funny-smelling look on Adam West's face. Adam West slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Ham Sandwich felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Adam West asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the pineapple right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Adam West's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Adam West nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ham Sandwich could react, Adam West skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The pineapple was plainly in view.

Adam West stared at Ham Sandwich for what what must've been six hours. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Ham Sandwich groped indiscriminately in Adam West's direction, clearly desperate. Adam West grabbed the pineapple and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ham Sandwich let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Adam West,' he rebuked. Ham Sandwich always had been a little clueless, so Adam West knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ham Sandwich did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his pineapple tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Ham Sandwich looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Adam West. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Adam West. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ham Sandwich walked over to the window and looked down. Adam West was gone.

--o0o--

Just yonder, Adam West was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Ham Sandwich's place. Adam West had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral platypus suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the pineapple. One by one they latched on to Adam West. Already weakened from his injury, Adam West yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of platypuss running off with his pineapple.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Adam West's pineapple. Feeling puzzled, God smote the platypus for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and jetted away with the fortitude of half a million spotted wolf hamsters running from a oversized pack of 3-legged wallabies. Adam West ran with joy when he saw this. His pineapple was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, America's Next Top Model, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet hand grenade'). Adam West was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Ham Sandwich and a few ebola-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

* L337 Story Generator v1.0
* Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
* Forever pwning with earnest.