"I can be reduced to a number. 292... 4th Column... 5th Row... But that will change, as everything does.

I had a name once..."

In an age when authors and critics alike continue to take on the mantles of characters and constructs, one reader grew weary and took on the identity of the completely normal, innocent bystander.

Rest assured: someone out there is reading your story, and almost nobody knows who it is.

I'm fond of reading, and sometimes reviewing when something seems especially promising...

Oh. And occasional bouts of angst.

(Update 2012: there has been some anger of late. Don't take it personally.)

It should be noted that there is at least one other "anonymous human" floating around on the net with at least 2 websites of some sort.

I am not that person.

(I am, however, on Fiction Press.)

Please remember to review. Constructive criticism will be examined at length, and praise will be accepted. (Flames will be extinguished.)

Random note: I have recently been promoted from "Anonymous Human" to "Anonymous Darklord" or "Author Who Must Not Be Named" a.k.a. "You Know Who."

My reviews are not always empty praise for how great a story is; everybody else does that and it is of no use other than to bolster a struggling author's ego. That is not a "review." I review.

If the formatting is off, or if the spelling is off, or if there are other major problems, I will note them; if I am left with questions I may ask them; if I am confused I will say so; if I am unable to read the story because I'm using a smartphone and you are not using paragraph breaks of any sort, that goes in the review. If something is particularly and profoundly off I will refrain from a public review and outright message you so that the ensuing discussion takes place out of the public eye. These are not intended as personal attacks; they are commentary on the writing style.

By all means, spell things properly. I cannot stress this enough. Whatever language you speak, check your spelling and grammar. If the piece has typos, I will point that out. If the piece is riddled with typos, I will point that out. (If the piece is written in British English rather than American English, I will most likely examine your profile and realize you are based in Europe.)

However, if your spelling of actual words is a slow motion catastrophe with large pieces of flaming wreckage sailing through the air in my general direction, I will likely ignore you completely.

Other people, being less forgiving, might go so far as to report you for a Terms of Service Violation; the typo/misspelling issue can be measured in degrees, and is open to interpretation, but if your character calls out "You sneeky basterd! Your a disccrace!" then that says to me that you don't care enough about your own work for me to care about your work—and if it says it in the summary, I won't even click. Proofread and edit your stories for spelling and grammar, as per the rules you agreed to when you prepared to post.

Betteridge's Law of Headlines is an adage that states, "Any headline which ends in a question mark can be answered by the word 'no.'"

This applies to plot summaries as well. Do be careful.

"'When you're screwing up, and nobody's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up...'

When you see yourself doing something badly, and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be.
Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care." - Professor Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture, September 2007

The term "Xenomorph" is from Greek, meaning "foreign form" or "strange form."

The term could accurately be used to denote any particularly weird extraterrestrial lifeform (and by this definition the "Space Jockey" would also qualify.) Moreover, the term has already been used to describe some of the particularly bizarre lifeforms found living in or around deep sea volcanic vents on earth; creatures which are just so utterly weird that they qualify.

"Alien," in contrast is from Latin "alienus," meaning "belonging to another," taken further from "alius" meaning "other." The modern term has connotations with the terms "unfamiliar" and "foreign."

Because the term "Alien" is widely used within the civilian population, it becomes necessary (as a plot device) to come up with a way of saying "All we know is that there's still no contact with the colony, and that an alien may be involved," without sounding silly. (Because admit it: that sounds silly.)

Thus: "All we know is that there's still no contact with the colony, and that a xenomorph may be involved." Much more professional sounding. Sounds extremely professional. But it means something to the effect of "alien form," which might as well be "alien life form." And it is faster to say "xenomorph" than "alien life form." Ends with a hard consonant "f" sound; 3 syllables instead of 5; rolls off the tongue and just sounds better.

Point being: neither one of those terms is the name of the species, and the Colonial Marines had no %#@$ing idea what they were getting into. Don't believe the Kenner toys or the videogames.

A "bug hunt" seems likely to be either "a wild goose chase" or "minor pest control," depending on who you ask. However, because the phrase is contrasted with "a stand up fight," it actually suggests a choice between a "combat operation" ("a stand up fight") and a "non-combat operation" ("another bug hunt.")

If anyone knows Vietnam-era U.S. military slang, do let me know.

"I had a name once. They took it away from me. Once I looked like you... but that was a long time ago."

From a thematic perspective, there's something about being turned into something inhuman (and trapped in such a form) that fascinates me, and so I am drawn to characters who are transformed—unwillingly—into something else. Favorite story as a child? Beauty and the Beast, which in my case was a children's book featuring illustrations of a brown, cat-like monster wearing regal clothing. Stockholm syndrome aside, I enjoyed the story.

In that vein: presently reading the amazing, awe-inspiring "To Be Human" by Avelera (now in its sixth year.) Also reading "To Love The Unloveable" by TinyPawsOfDoom.

To Be Human also falls (later on) under a "Confinement Fic" category, and I used to identify with those.

So in that vein: The Nine Lives of Sohma Kyo which is one of the best fics I've read.

I ship Kyoru. I always have, ever since reading the premise of the books.

And I spent many years watching Yukiru Die-Hards trash my ship, tell me my ship wouldn't work, rebuke me, shout at me, etc. I have seen things you people wouldn't believe. I have watched my ship stepped on again and again for years.

And then I spent many more years watching them write stories where Yuki dumps Machi in favor of Tohru.

And that infuriates me more than anything. The refrain is "Yuki is perfect." And the books show us that the reason Yuki is "perfect" is that he is absolutely terrified of screwing up and never relaxes. Ever. He is constantly striving to meet everyone's unrealistic expectations of him and it's one of the major reasons he is such a screwed up human being.

With Machi, Yuki finally relaxes in a way that he doesn't with any other character in the damned book. And he refers to her by her name. Not Miss Kuragi; Machi.

If you read the books, it becomes quite clear as things progress that she needs Yuki. And I honestly think he needs her.

And you want him to dump her—to break her heart—because she's stealing your prince.

You are the Yuki Fan Club. You are no different then they are. You put him on a pedestal and demand that none steal him from the position in which you've placed him in your mind.

I have read your fics. The premise is usually this:

Let's have Yuki utterly break Machi's heart and alienate his best friend—her brother—in the process.

Then Yuki can shove Kyo aside, Tohru can randomly fall in love with him despite loving the Cat since childhood, and Kyo... can fall back into the arms of a woman who physically and emotionally abuses him.

Yuki never calls Tohru by her given name, but obviously they should be together.

Kagura, if the character had been male, would be deemed "problematic" or "an abuser", but really she's great.

Machi, despite being one of the most interesting characters in the damned book, can be discarded.

That's why I hate Yukiru.

Next rant:

"Akita" is not the name of a character; "Akita" is the name of a family. If Tohru has a boy's name (and she does!) there is absolutely no reason why Akito can't have a boy's name as well. (Yuki's brother, Ayame, has a girl's name; in fact, the name "Yuki" can be applied to either gender.) This issue keeps rearing its ugly head and it honestly drives me crazy; I'm not talking about stories; I'm talking about reviews that attempt to correct the author.

(The previous family head was named Akira and he was perfectly normal. Very unhealthy. But normal.)

I'm branching out: many years ago I had a love of the first two "Alien" films. I am revisiting this and adding one or more "Aliens" fic(s) to my portfolio. (Eventually I'll also get that HMC film Fic completed and start releasing chapters.)

If you read "The Window," there is a point at which the story specifically references Book 6, Chapter 33, Page 97, bottom panel.

"Outside" is a companion story to "The Window," and things are the way they are for a reason. I wasn't as pleased with it, but the story was rushed.

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Ray Bradbury

"I was supposed to be in there. In the Cat's room. A room as quiet... as the edge of the world.
Was it a dream?" - Isuzu

"If anyone needs me, I'll be over there. Killing them all." - Richard, LFG

"I... think I just got a review from the Dark Lord!" - an author somewhere