thebloodgod12
 What I like: Good Anime, Manga, writing, Internet What I dislike: school, commercials Personal Heroes Rommel The Desert Fox Charles zi Britannia (The man had 108 consorts) Favorite Shows: Ouran High School Host Club, Fullmetal Alchemist, Vampire Knight Guilty, Vampire Knight, Naruto, Bleach, Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion Favorite Characters: Kenpachi, Hitsugaya Toshiro, Ichimaru Gin, Yoruichi, Soi Fon, Halibel, Grimmjaw, Byakuya Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin, Kyoya Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Greed, Envy, Lust, Scar, Armstrong, Riza Yuuki Cross, Aidou, Kain, Shiki, Kaname Akasuna Sasori, Hidan, naruto , kakuza, Yugito, Killer Bee, Namikaze Minato, Neji, Gaara, madara/tobi Canada/Matthew, France/Francis, Austria/Roderich, Prussia/Gilbert, Russia/Ivan, Germany/Ludwig Check This Out... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile Seventeen things to do at shops 1. Get boxes of extra-small condoms and put them into people's carts when they aren't looking 2. Set all the alarms in House wares to go off at five-minute intervals 3. Make a trail of tomato juice leading to the rest rooms (preferably BEFORE the pissed janitor attempts to clean it up) 4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a packet of M&M's on lay-by 5. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares"... and see what happens 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' to a carpeted area 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding section 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!" 9. Look right into the security camera and use as it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are 11. Dart around the store suspiciously humming the 'Mission Impossible' tune 12. In the Auto-Department, practice your 'Madonna' look with different sized funnels 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the 'fetal position' and scream,” NO! NO! It's those VOICES again!" 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, GO!" 17. When in the restroom start to pee and say "Oh why is it red?" ( make sure there are other people around when doing so) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it! Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup You! Off my planet! I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? How do I set my laser printer to stun? When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. -Samuel Levenson The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites' The problem with political jokes is they get elected. -Henry Cate The only victory over love is flight. -Napoleon Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -Oscar Wilde I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks. -Winston Churchill Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I like work. It fascinates me. I could sit and look at it forever. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -Ashleigh Brilliant Come to the dark side... We have cookies! When I get the urge to clean, I lay down until it passes It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them? That which doesn't kill you... better run fast If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force. They say love hides behind every corner. I must be walking in circles. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect, Therefore, that makes me perfect. I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines Bob: But mom! All my friends are doing it! Bob's Mom: If your friends jumped off a building, would you? Bob: Yes, because then there would be padding for when I landed! Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? "Everything has a purpose" he said for no reason at all I'm not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied it are doomed to know it's repeating. Despite the rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity Like Daddy always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too? Why is abbreviation such a long word? What's another word for thesaurus? If you were under house arrest, and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go anywhere you want? Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run- He hates that. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... Drink it and get on with your life. Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? How can there be self help groups? Therapy is expensive, but bubble wrap is cheap! Thank God I'm an atheist- Luis Bunuel I have the body of an 18 year old. I keep it in the fridge- Spike Milligan Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet- Robin Williams Behind every man there is a good woman, and behind that another man looking at her ass. They say 1 in every 5 people is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family. Mom, Dad, me, Tom, and Kong Shen Heng. I think it's Tom. Last night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars. Then I wondered, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING?! Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to. I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada- Britney Spears I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned. I have my own opinions, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them- George W. Bush I didn't lose my marbles! I sold them on E-bay! When I have a kid, I'm gonna put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory If something is new, there isn't anything before it, right? But if something is improved, that means something was before it! So what do they mean by new and improved? When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice in the eyes of your enemies. Before you criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes! Men, and young children, are like sponges: They either suck up vital information by the voracious bucket load, or they sit about, wetly, taking up space and getting in the way.-- Dark Humor I don't fight with idiots; they bring me to their level then beat me with experience Josh: goes into kitchen Eeeyow! Drake: Where'd the lobster bite you? Josh: Is Megan still in the room? Drake: Yeah Josh: Tell ya later Drake:cringes: Knowledge is power, power corrupts, study hard, be evil. Mankind is nothing but an excuse to make beings with slightly larger brains feel important "Wild!" he said, twiddling the replay knob on the other side of the stadium. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…!" -Ron Weasley I'm just here to chew bubble gum and kick ass... and I'm out of bubble gum Everyone has the right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard. When life gives you lemons, read them and drool. I'm throwing you out because I don't like you, not because I'm scared of you. I’m better than normal: I’m abnormal It takes an idiot to do cool things. That's why you’re cool Gone crazy be back later Nothing is for free; even death costs you your life Life is a sexually transmitted disease There's a fine line between genius and insanity, I think you crossed it a few miles back If I killed everyone who was stupid I wouldn't have time to sleep. -Alanna, Song of the Lioness Men don't think any differently than women - they just make more noise about being able to. - Alanna, Song of the Lioness With age comes wisdom...of course you have yet to show me that. I'm not here to wait for people, I'm here for people to wait on me. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If you speak to God, you're religious. If God speaks to you, you're psychotic! - Dr. House "Bakura and Santa may have the same color hair, but that's about the only thing they have in common. Santa lives at the North Pole. Bakura is bipolar. Big difference." -Joey Wheeler from One Week Torture is cutting people with knives. But you can totally get away with that if you're wearing a doctor's coat. - Dr. House Roses are red, violets are black, go to hell, and never come back. I wasn't stalking, I was strategically following. Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth The Force is like ducktape: Its got a light side, a dark side and holds the universe together A Wise man once said, 'I don't know, ask a girl' When the sky darkens, and Armageddon finally comes...you know it's...PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall out of a window…I laugh. I reject your reality, and substitute my own! If you are an evil villain, wear bright clashy clothing so as to confuse the hero You STFU and I kick your ass. It's the law of equivalent exchange...bitch. Love is like chocolate. It's sweet at first, but in the end it makes you fat and miserable Life is a series of generally stupid misconceptions If a toy truck rolls towards you, you can easily stop it with your hand. However, such a tactic would not work with a real truck... When everything's coming towards you, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Weinberg I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. Grandchildren are the God's reward for not killing your kids. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry. The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. -Jilly Cooper. When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. -Rita Rudner. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. -George Burns. There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. -Doug Larson. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. -George Burns. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. -Mark Twain Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath. -Richard Zera. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and its mother's age. -Benjamin Spock. Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'. -Joe Namath If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? -Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. -Steven Wright 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. -Dave Barry I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -Winston Churchill. I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay? -Denis Leary Heaven won't take me, and Hell's afraid that I'll take over. I'm not arrogant. Arrogance is a flaw. I have no flaws What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. I haven't seen this many strange letters since the last time I placed a personal ad... Tell me, what's it like living in a perpetual haze of stupidity? - Hiei, Yu Yu Hakusho The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense. -Tom Clancy The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. He who laughs last didn't get it. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.- George W. Bush Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' – Charlie Brown Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.-Peter O'Toole. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -Mark Twain I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.-Woody Allen I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally. I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas Jones Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?- George Deacon If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em... then when they trust you, and have their guard down, beat them into a bloody pulp! When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then, sit back and watch the whole world wonder just how the hell you DID that. And send up your best bottle of red wine, free of charge, or I’ll be drinking something red, but it won‘t be wine, and you won‘t be in any condition to see it. -Knives, from the story Trigun Overload. And then God said, "John, come forth, and receive eternal life..." But John came fifth, and got... A toaster. If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile. If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile. If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile 98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile. If you have WAY too much time on your hands and your on fanfiction.net with that time, copy and paste this in your profile If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this onto your profile If you have ever fallen up the stairs before, copy and pase this onto your profile If you have ever tripped over your pet, copy and paste this onto your profile If you have ever ran up a down escalator, or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile If you've ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this into your profile. If you've ever threatened a computer or video game console, copy and paste this into your profile. 95 percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the 5 percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be,The Gypsy-Pirate Queen, DxS Phreak, Hotduckgurl, OddObsessed, have-a-cookie, xxNarutotardxx,MoonFyre12, EmiKoizumix, CaffineFreePepsi, thebloodgod12 Ninety-eight percent of teenagers live happy lives of bliss. If you don't believe this, copy this and paste it in your profile. Ninety-eight percent of teenagers have not read Manga. If you're one of the two percent that has, copy this and paste it in your profile If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile If you think that Rap is the most God-awefulest thing to be called 'Music' and that rappers are wanna-be's who are paid to make fools out of themselves, and can't even sing, copy and paste this to your profile. --And remember, you can't spell Crap, without Rap. If you believe in magic, copy this into your profile "Judge by cause, not by effect." -Ancient Egyptian proverb. "War brings pain, injury and death to both sides."-Pein (Naruto) "The ability to tell if a person is righteous is not something a human can do"-Adolf Hitler "You are weak, because you lack hatred"-Itachi Uchiha (Naruto) "Do or do not, there is no 'try'." - Yoda "I learned at a very young age that I cannot trust in or count on anyone but myself. To do so invites deceit and despair and opens a vulnerability that can be exploited. To do so is a weakness." - Artemis Entreri "Could you be...a little less talk and a little bit more "Shut the hell up"?"-Dr. Daniel Jackson, Starget S-1 "Killing and being killed. They are just a way to pass time!" Zaraki Kenpachi (bleach) "The phoenix, often referred to as the immortal bird, is said to light a flame in the body of the elderly, from which it ignites the power of rebirth. Understand? Immortality. That is what it means to be perfect. Not the transcendence of death, but rather capturing one's life and death within the cycle of rebirth. That which is called "death" is not removed from my existence! I exist as a being without any interruption in the cycle of life and death! That which is called a "perfect existence"! To me, the phenomenon of death does not exist. Even if you kill me before I completely come back to life, I will come back to life. Realize this: you who are incapable of killing me will never achieve victory against me, Mayuri Kurotsuchi." Szayel Aporro Granz (bleach) "There is no such thing as perfect in this world. That may sound cliché, but it's the truth. The average person admires perfection and seeks to obtain it. But what's the point of achieving perfection? There is none. Nothing. Not a single thing. I loathe perfection! If something is perfect, then there is nothing left. There is no room for imagination. No place left for that person to gain additional knowledge or abilities. Do you know what that means? For scientists such as us, perfection only brings despair. It is our job to create things more wonderful than anything before them, but never to obtain perfection. A scientist must be a person who finds ecstasy while suffering from that antinomy. In short, the moment that foolishness left your mouth and reached my ears, you had already lost. Of course, that's assuming you are a scientist." Mayuri Kurotsuchi (bleach) "You might get lucky and die in some corner." Soi Fon (bleach) "I think one should be antagonistic to one's underlings. It keeps them on their toes." Soi Fon (bleach) "How slow, even when you're falling down."Byakuya Kuchiki (bleach) "I have discarded my left arm, discarded my left leg. And yet even so... I have not lowered myself to your level."Byakuya Kuchiki (bleach) "I've rescinded your right to live because you aspired to cut my pride with such a dull blade."Byakuya Kuchiki (bleach) "Shall I tell you the difference between you and I? It's class. It's like the story of the monkey trying to capture the moon. No matter how he struggles, it's just the moon's reflection on the water he sees. So he only sinks into the water. Time after time, he sinks."Byakuya Kuchiki (bleach) "all Who have life fear the reaper" Eldar (warhammer 40k) The Laws of Anime Version 6.0 Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito #1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity #2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation #3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics #4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion #5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion #6. Law of Temporal Variability #7. First Law of Temporal Mortality #8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality #9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis #10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity #11. Law of Inherent Combustability #12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission #13. Law of Energetic Emission #14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude #15. Law of Inexhaustability #16. Law of Inverse Accuracy #17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability #18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity #19. Law of Demonic Consistency #20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability #21. Law of Tactical Unreliability #22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability #23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality #24. Law of Americanthropomorphism #25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality #26. Law of Feline Mutation #27. Law of Conservation of Firepower #28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence #29. Law of Melee Luminescence #30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism #31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability #32. Law of Follicular Permanence #33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics #34. Law of Probable Attire #35. Law of Musical Omnipotence #36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination #37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance #38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission #39. Law of Inverse Attraction #40. Law of Nasal Sanguination #41. Law of Xylolaceration #42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence #43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia #44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation #45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis #46. Law of Flimsy Incognition #47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some #48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or #49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will #50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are #51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws 52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters #53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum. #54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, #55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and #56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons #57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of #58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance, #59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition #60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s #61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an #62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years #63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the #64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be #65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the #66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation- #67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the #68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the #69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any #70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a #71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male #72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head #73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to #74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When #75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can #76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a #77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick #78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST #79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial #80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is #81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if #82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a #83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become #84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed #85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire #86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in #87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon. #88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have #89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large #90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following #91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and #92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance #93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at #94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability #95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any #96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other, #97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that #98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or #99- Law of Sparklines- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest #100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen. 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In". 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds". 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy". 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go". 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ... ╔═╦╦══╦══╦╗╔╦══╦══╗╔╗ ║║║║╔╗║╔╗║╚╝║║║║╚╝║╔╗Naruto! The List Of Things I Am No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology". "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore". House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends". I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. I am not a sloth Animagus. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf." When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father in a raspy voice. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group. -Especially not with kazoos. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong. -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow. -Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge. Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss". "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell. Not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me." I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways. If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change. -Neither does adding "izzle". Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'. "Human Life is God's experiment where the only constant variable is change; he sits back and observes while we suffer like lab rats on narcotics." Unknown "I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence." Doug McLeod "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." Erma Bombier "You don't seem to understand. I'm not trapped here with you; you're trapped here with me!" Rorschach, Watchmen "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then go find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party." Ron White "An overflow of good converts to bad." William Shakespeare "All men ... are NOT created equal! Some are born swifter afoot, some with greater beauty, some are born into poverty and others born sick and feeble. Both in birth and upbringing, in sheer scope of ability every human is inherently different; Yes that is why people discriminate against one another, which is why there is struggle, competition and the unfaltering march of progress. Inequality is not wrong, equality is. What of the E.U. which made equality a right? Rabble politics by a popularity contest. The Chinese Federation with its equal distribution of wealth? A nation of lazy dullards. But not our beloved Britannia, we fight, we compete, evolution is continuous. Britannia alone moves forward, advancing steadily into the future, even the death of my son Clovis, demonstrates Britannia unswerving commitment to progress. we will fight on, we shall struggle, compete, plunder and dominate and in the end the future shall be ours. ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!!" Charles zi Britannia This war would never have come unless, under American and modernizing pressure, we had driven the Habsburgs out of Austria and the Hohenzollerns out of Germany. By making these vacuums we gave the opening for the Hitlerite monster to crawl out of its sewer on to the vacant thrones. No doubt these views are very unfashionable... (King George VI) represented, for us, a model of character and deportment for those in high places. Our respect for him as an inspirational force was equalled by our affection for him as a gentle human being. In Italy they are already speaking about a republic, but keep in mind that there is nothing less suited to Italians... The Italians are individualists and a republic will become the cause of confusion and disorder. Certainly of corruption. I have no doubt of it. When all this comes to pass who will profit from it? If the Allies at the peace table at Versailles had allowed a Hohenzollern, a Wittelsbach and a Habsburg to return to their thrones, there would have been no Hitler. A democratic basis of society might have been preserved by a crowned Weimar in contact with the victorious Allies.” I am a true servant of my King and country, not only as a dutiful subject but because I am a convinced monarchist, politically and intellectually. I mean by that, quite apart from myself and my relationship to my Bavarian and German fatherland, I believe monarchy to be the most successful form of government that the history of mankind has known. The public are sick and tired of politics, they are sick and tired of the machinations of elected office in a media age, and I think it’s quite good having a Head of State that’s completely to one side of that. I notice that the constitutional monarchies are the most democratic countries of Europe. I can’t understand how there could be any debate about it. If constitutional monarchy were to come to an end in Britain, parliamentary democracy would probably not survive it. It is, after all, through the monarchy that parliamentary control over the armed forces is mediated and maintained. I am personally still convinced that there are safeguards in the constitutional monarchy that an elected head of state just would not possess. The Prince of Wales, as so often, has demonstrated his common sense in the words he spoke on Wednesday (during his visit to southern Africa). His demeanour is a perfect illustration of the benefits of a constitutional monarchy. In the heat of euphoria, in the midst of all the blather about a “new” this and a “new” that, his is a message of modernisation and wisdom. We would do well to heed it.” Anyone who fears that by becoming a republic we would condemn ourselves to a presidency held by a perpetual succession of superannuated politicians - at the moment presumably a choice between Heath, Kinnock, Thatcher and Major - is an optimist. The alternative nightmare scenario looks not to the European model but to the American, where the essentials for election to the presidency appear to be ruthless ambition, access to vast wealth, reckless promises of patronage and preferment, effective control of a big slice of the media and a plausible TV manner. We don’t know when we are well off. The Queen Mother is one who knows how to be Queen, how to preserve mystery and yet be accessible, one who knows how to epitomise the higher aspirations of a people, yet retain both humanity and humour. Being a nation of hypocrites, we have for years looked to the Royal Family to embody the values we’re not prepared to embody ourselves. The Queen’s appearances abroad do more in a day to gain goodwill for Britain than all the politicians and diplomats lumped together could achieve in years. I owe no allegiance to the Provisional Government established by a minority of the foreign population ... nor to anyone save the will of my people and the welfare of my country. Why has destiny willed the downfall of this Sovereign? He is endowed with every kingly quality; he is courageous, generous, and magnanimous; he has a fine intellect and a well-balanced mind; and his name bears the tradition of a thousand years of history. Who better than he to symbolise the unity of the country, and act as supreme moderator in party strife? Those who imagine that a politician would make a better figurehead than a hereditary monarch might perhaps make the acquaintance of more politicians. Thus the young royals are reproached for setting a bad example and failing to keep their marriages together by journalists who themselves lead Casanova-like lives. Canadians should realise when they are well off under the Monarchy. For the vast majority of Canadians, being a Monarchy is probably the only form of government acceptable to them. I have always been for parliamentary democracy and I think the institution of Monarchy with the Queen heading it all has served Canada well. The State functions more easily if it can be personified. An elected President who has stepped out of politics, like the French President, is no substitute for a King who has stepped in by right of inheritance. Still less is an active politician, like the President of the United States, a substitute. We can damn the Government and cheer the King. Modern monarchs neither have nor need executive power. Integrity and continuity are their stock in trade. These qualities are becoming more precious when European political parties, many of them in power for a decade or more, are increasingly judged arrogant or corrupt or both. Politicians could with profit learn not to treat modesty as merely a royal prerogative. To be a King is dedication, patience and moderation, self-denial, statesmanship, national unity and, above all, having faith in one’s people. The monarchy is a political referee, not a political player, and there is a lot of sense in choosing the referee by a different principle from the players. It lessens the danger that the referee might try to start playing. Monarchy is first proved to be the true and rightful form of government. Men’s objects are best attained during universal peace: this is possible only under a monarch. And as he is the image of the divine unity, so man is through him made one, and brought most near to God. There must, in every system of forces, be a ‘primum mobile’; to be perfect, every organisation must have a centre, into which all is gathered, by which all is controlled. Justice is best secured by a supreme arbiter of disputes, himself untempted by ambition, since his dominion is already bounded only by ocean. Man is best and happiest when he is most free; to be free is to exist for one’s own sake. To this noblest end does the monarch and he alone guide us; other forms of government are perverted, and exist for the benefit of some class; he seeks the good of all alike, being to that very end appointed. I think it is a misconception to imagine that the monarchy exists in the interests of the monarch. It doesn’t. It exists in the interests of the people. The fact that the Monarchy can unify in this way - can comfort and exhilarate and embrace - remains, as Cameron (James Cameron, republican journalist) put it, its great ‘gesture to all the forces of logic’, the power before which the neat rationality of republicanism wilts. For any country it is better to have a monarch than an elected president of the republic ... monarchies provide the continuity of states, while prime ministers come and go. Elections are all very well for the designation of the prime minister or of the party which should take power, but not for the Head of State, who should be above party. (Unlike a president) in all probability the monarch who succeeds to the throne has been trained for this exalted post by having spent many years by the side of his predecessor. A monarch, however, cannot declare that he is ready to throw in his hand. The personal conveniences of sovereigns are of little importance. What is important is that Great Britain needs them. Monarchy can easily be debunked, but watch the faces, mark well the debunkers. These are the men whose taproot in Eden has been cut: whom no rumour of the polyphony, the dance, can reach - men to whom pebbles laid in a row are more beautiful than an arch. Yet even if they desire mere equality they cannot reach it. Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes or film stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison. The Royal tour (of South Africa) gives reassurance that when it comes to flying the flag nobody does it quite as well as the Queen. A priest who is not a monarchist is not worthy to stand at the altar table. The priest who is a republican is always a man of poor faith. God himself anoints the monarch to be head of the kingdom, while the president is elected by the pride of the people. The king stays in power by implementing God’s commandments, while the president does so by pleasing those who rule. The king brings his faithful subjects to God, while the president takes them away from God. The Queen was helpful, lively, fascinating to talk to, and very, very funny. The idea that she is out of touch is nonsense. Robert Wraith, painter of Her Majesty’s portrait, May 1998. The monarchical principle is laughed at by vulgar and foolish people in all the suburbs of Europe. It is hated in all the gutters of the world. The reason is simple. It enshrines with a fitting dignity and elaboration the principle of authority as something independent of this or that politician. It places it above attack. It symbolises and consecrates an attitude of mind essential to the happiness of peoples. The British love their Queen, their Queen Mother, Prince Charles, and the comforting security of their hereditary constitutional monarchy, an institution of which the characters are beyond the manipulation of man, an institution guaranteeing continuity, overriding the dissensions of politics. The best governments are constitutional monarchies, and we may yet see some restored in eastern Europe. In republics there is not a respect for authority, but a fear of power. The best reason why Monarchy is a strong government is that it is an intelligible government. The mass of mankind understand it, and they hardly anywhere in the world understand any other. I think the family has got to streamline itself but the core members have a brand personality that a business would die for. You might say they’re the brand identity of Britain: ask any American what they’d give to have a Royal Family. Above the ebb and flow of party strife, the rise and fall of ministries, and individuals, the changes of public opinion or public fortune, the British Monarchy presides, ancient, calm and supreme within its function, over all the treasures that have been saved from the past and all the glories we write in the annals of our country. To be a king and wear a crown is more glorious to them that see it than it is a pleasure to them that bear it. Parliaments and Ministers pass, but she abides in lifelong duty, and she is to them as the oak in the forest is to the annual harvest in the field. Russia under Nicholas II, with all the survivals of feudalism, had opposition political parties, independent trade unions and newspapers, a rather radical parliament and a modern legal system. Its agriculture was on the level of the USA, with industry rapidly approaching the West European level. In the USSR there was total tyranny, no political liberties and practically no human rights. Its economy was not viable; agriculture was destroyed. The terror against the population reached a scope unprecedented in history. No wonder many Russians look back at Tsarist Russia as a paradise lost. Oleg Gordievsky, letter to The Independent, 21st July 1998. Americans also seem to believe that the monarchy is a kind of mediaeval hangover, encumbered by premodern notions of decorum; the reality is that the British monarchy, for good or ill, is a modern political institution - perhaps the first modern political institution. There is nothing about which I am more anxious than my country, and for its sake I am willing to die ten deaths, if that be possible. I consider tolerance as one of the ruler’s first duties. I have always tried to be tolerant and to respect and treat with consideration all kinds of religious beliefs. In this respect the ruler must not permit any discrimination. During my long reign in Bulgaria there was no persecution of those belonging to another faith, of Mohammedans or Jews. Had there been any I would have punished those responsible with the greatest severity. Be the person in relation to whom ... all things in your Kingdom are ordered; the person in whom your people perceive their own nationhood; the person by whose existence and dignity the national unity is upheld”. We should all bear carefully in mind the constitutional safeguards inherent in the monarchy: While the Queen occupies the highest office of state, no one can take over the government. While she is head of the law, no politician can take over the courts. While she is ultimately in command of the Armed Forces, no would-be dictator can take over the Army. The Queen’s only power, in short, is to deny power to anyone else. Any attempt to tamper with the royal prerogative must be firmly resisted. Of all people on the face of the earth, the people of England are a King-loving and aristocracy-loving generation. However men may indulge in republican reveries in the closet, there is no permanent object of human sympathy but human beings, that is, no political doctrine’s constitution can retain a lasting grasp on the affections of the mass of mankind - save as they are identified with individuals. I have always been vaguely comforted by the sense that the Crown, and therefore the nation, endures like weathered granite through whatever turpitude and buffoonery may pass in Parliament. There is also something re-assuring in the knowledge that every Prime Minister, every week, has a confidential and not necessarily comfortable conversation with a monarch: that is to say with someone who is not their dependant, not their sycophant, who has no political affiliation beyond patriotism and who has seen governments rise and fall over decades. This sense of continuity, of a nation mature enough to be able to make electoral mistakes and later recant without risk of losing its identity, is profoundly useful. A Republic of Great Britain Bill would dominate the lifetime of a parliament to the detriment of all other economic and social affairs, and if passed would change virtually every facet of British life beyond recognition. From postage stamps to the names of warships, every area of political, social, economic, financial, religious and civil life would be transformed, and potentially unleash political forces beyond our control or comprehension. There is no doubt that of all the institutions which have grown up among us over the centuries or sprung into being in our lifetime, the Constitutional Monarchy is the most deeply founded and dearly cherished. In the present generation it has acquired a meaning incomparably more powerful than anyone had dreamed possible in former times. The Crown has become the mysterious link, may I say the magic link, which unites our loosely bound but strongly interwoven Commonwealth of Nations, states and races. People who would never tolerate the assertions of a written Constitution which implies any diminution of their independence are the foremost to be proud of their loyalty to the Crown. It is the merit of hereditary Royalty that its virtue as a moral force does not depend on the varying qualities of its representatives; but what a heaven-sent boon it is when those who are born into the Purple have gifts as truly royal as Prince Charles’s. Under a relentless scrutiny which gives no scope for fraud or fabrication, he has come across as what the British (no doubt with the overtones of apologetic self-parody which fashion requires) still call “a jolly good chap.” He is, to use another outmoded phrase, “a good all-rounder.” He flies, plays polo, took a creditable university degree, speaks impromptu with fluency, charm and wit, serves his country not only steadfastly but with lightness of touch and a disarming capacity for occasional uncalculated indiscretion, and he bears himself towards all who meet him with manly humility. Royalty is a Government in which the attention of the nation is concentrated on one person doing interesting actions. A Republic is a Government in which that attention is divided between many, who are all doing uninteresting things. The most odious and repressive regimes in the 20th century have ‘people’s’ or ‘democratic’ in their names, and that is no accident. The theoretical basis for democracy, egalitarianism, was responsible for the worst excesses of the French revolution; little blood was shed in support of liberty and fraternity. Had the hereditary principle been upheld in places as diverse as Libya, Greece, Albania, even Russia, had those monarchies not been overthrown and replaced by monstrous peoples’ regimes, the very lives, never mind prosperity, of those peoples would have been saved. It is not necessary to try to prove the superiority of the hereditary principle over mass democracy, nor to spend much time over democracy’s supposed greatest achievement - the US. Monarchy is often criticised for being a lottery, but so is an elected presidency. Britain last had to play the regal lottery in 1952, when it won handsomely. It has not had to gamble again since then. In the past 45 years Ireland has had to vote in seven presidents, few of them memorable, most of them just grazing. We have had just one head of state, who has performed her duties superbly. Throughout a time of immense social change, indeed revolution, the centre of the British system has remained calm and outside party politics. That is an incalculable asset which no republic can come close to matching.” Kings have advantages over democratic politicians. Although they must remain popular ... they do not have to grub for votes. Unlike American senators, they are not obliged to start raising money for their re-election campaign days after the electorate has voted them in. Inheritance has its privileges, for both rulers and the ruled...For politicians in democracies, the business of government is all too often a great game, a chance to strut and posture their little moment on the stage, before retiring to directorships and lecture tours. No such retreat is possible for monarchs, so they are less likely to mess with the dodgy loan, or fool around with the intern. The monarchy’s most important constitutional function is simply to be there: by occupying the constitutional high ground, it denies access to more sinister forces; to a partisan or corrupt president, divisive of the nation; or even to a dictator. The Queen’s powers are a vital safeguard of democracy and liberty. This country suffered greatly as a result of the abolition of the monarchy in 1970. We support it, because it is an institution the country needs, for its unity and its development. There is a Cambodian proverb which says “While you are eating fruit, don’t forget who planted it”. We must not forget our King and his vital role in securing a victory for democracy in our country. If he had not remained here during the elections, or if he had not personally appealed to our citizens to vote, the population would without doubt have been afraid to participate and we would not have achieved the 90 turn out that we did. And perhaps the international observers would not have agreed to come.” For every monarchy overthrown the sky becomes less brilliant, because it loses a star. A republic is ugliness set free. A sovereign must constantly heed the will of his people and at the same time care for the poor and humble; he is the servant of the law, and the mainstay of social peace and security. Parliamentary monarchy fulfils a role which an elected president never can. It formally limits the politicians’ thirst for power because with it the supreme office of the state is occupied once and for all. Anyone who has walked through the deserted Palaces of Versailles or Vienna realise how much a part of the life of a nation is lost when a monarchy is abolished. If Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle were transformed into museums, if one politician competed against another for the position of President of the Republic, Britain would be a sadder and less interesting place. Our politicians are not men such as could challenge more than a thousand years of history! A king is a king, not because he is rich and powerful, not because he is a successful politician, not because he belongs to a particular creed or to a national group. He is King because he is born. And in choosing to leave the selection of their head of state to this most common denominator in the world - the accident of birth - Canadians implicitly proclaim their faith in human equality; their hope for the triumph of nature over political manoeuvre, over social and financial interest; for the victory of the human person. It is helpful when the personality of the head of state is not disputed or contested periodically. The monarch is the incarnation of popular hope and the repository of national legitimacy. No practising politician could possibly hope to be more deeply and widely informed about domestic, Commonwealth and international affairs than The Queen. She has sources of information available to nobody else. The hereditary head of state is like the senior member of a larger household, representing the national family and its ancestral inheritance while standing above its internal disputes and intervening only if a major emergency threatens its survival. The value of a constitutional monarchy is to provide a figurehead to embody a sense of nationhood beyond the divisions of temporal political argument. Republicans, who choose to give the impression that the British enjoy as much power as French peasants in the reign of Louis XVI, believe that in a democracy just about everything that moves has to be elected. This callow approach would result in a polarised and unpleasant society, of which the prime example is the United States. Most Australians - contrary to what is constantly claimed - are not yet republicans. The Queen, touring the country with dignity at this slightly touchy time, says that she sees herself as the servant of the Australian Constitution and of the people. It is fair to suggest that many of Australia’s republican leaders do not quite see themselves as so answerable. I had been told the Queen is not interested in anything political and speaks only on social issues. On the contrary, the Queen is very well informed on a number of international issues and on security matters. Q is for the Queen who, in half a century, hasn’t put a foot wrong once. Her accumulated wisdom is extraordinary. Her charm is infinite. She is duty personified. All of us who come here to the UK do so because the notion of Britishness is far more than merely ethnic - or at least we think it is. You may not go on about it as much as Americans do, but you also have a set of ideas attached to your national identity, and we admire them. We most admire, in fact, those bits of your national identity which you seem most keen on discarding: not just boring old political liberty and economic freedom, which we could get in America or lots of other places, but history, tradition, centuries of stability, tolerance of eccentricity, cars which drive on the wrong side of the road, flat green lawns and, above all, a Queen, together with her Heirs and Successors. After spending the first part of my life being a mere citizen, I am delighted to find myself a subject as well. I don’t think I really came to appreciate what royalty meant to you Brits until I came to Wimbledon, with all its pomp and circumstance. It is tradition, it is such an important factor here and you start thinking it’s not bad when you see the effect it has on people. I suppose the monarchy is a bit like grass at Wimbledon. How long will it last? My guess is that they will both go on for many, many years to come. I have previously observed that British republicans seem to have a blind spot about the family: they do not grasp that the Royal Family touches some chord in most of us linked with family feeling. Even as an Irishwoman, I feel a warm sense of maternal protectiveness when I pass Buckingham Palace and see the Royal Standard flying. The Queen is at home, and a benign matriarchal wisdom prevails over the land. (Kaiser Franz Josef) was especially noted for his exceptional attitude to Jewish soldiers serving in the Austrian army, concerning himself over the availability of kosher food of the highest standard, assuring them of access to the necessary religious articles and ensuring unhindered Sabbath observance. ... Many of the world’s Jews referred to him as “The King of Jerusalem.” They tell us that all Kings are bad; that God never made a King; and that all Kings are very expensive. But, that all Kings are bad cannot be true: because God himself is one of them; he calls himself King of Kings; which not only shows us he is a King, but he has other Kings under him: he is never called King of Republics. The Scripture calls Kings, the Lord’s Anointed; but who ever heard of an anointed Republic? Britain’s constitutional monarchy is one of its greatest strengths as well as one of its greatest attractions. The monarch is detached from party politics in a way no president could be. For years, the existence of a monarchy was the guarantee that no would-be dictator could stage a coup by deploying troops, as the monarch controls the armed services. No latter-day Cromwell could win power by force. We have had no civil war since Cromwell’s and much of that is due to having had a constitutional monarchy as a focus of loyalty. (Europe’s monarchs are) all there to listen to the voice of the people and, without influencing politics, to protect the nation. Their example gives some credibility to those who think that restoration of King Michael of Romania might help heal recent wounds. Does the monarchy have a future? It’s a very definite reality in today’s Europe, and without it Europe would be a very different place. "He loved God, honoured his King, esteemed his friends, and hated rebellion." - Eulogy for Rev Dr Myles Cooper, President of King's College, NY (now Columbia University), who was exiled and nearly assassinated for his loyalist views. Quotation submitted by Jon-Mark Grussenmeyer, American Student. "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I will crush with the tanks of the Imperial Guard!" - Lord Solar Macharius OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered for having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. Teal'c has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO Every night, the Boogyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris. But Chuck Norris checks his closet every night for Teal'c! Daniel Jackson wasn't issued a gun because he has the ability to talk anyone out of killing him or his team mates. Vala Mal Doran was not issued a gun because she has the ability to talk anyone into killing themselves! Emperor Palpatine needs several thousand storm troopers and a gigantic spaceship to blow up a planet...All Carter needs is her father and a 50-foot wide ring of naquadah... Carter never gets a gremlin in her computer, gremlins work for Carter Darth Sidious may be able to fire lightning from his hands... but Apophis was never thrown down an all-too-convenient machine shaft and thusly killed by his apprentice... Teal'C and O'Neill played rock, paper, scissors. Put This "The president of a republic is as though you pick a player from one of two teams and make him umpire." ~Czar Simeon II of Bulgaria In fact, after having abolished the monarchy, the best of all governments, [the French Revolution] had transferred all the public power to the people — the people... ever easy to deceive and to lead into every excess ~Pope Pius VI, Pourquoi Notre Voix If a nation does not want a monarchy, change the nations mind. If a nation does not need a monarchy, change the nations needs. ~Jan Christian Smuts, Prime Minister of South Africa The Top Things I'd Do My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished.It might actually be important. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. I will never accept a challenge from the hero. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed.It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat).Either way, there's no point in entering. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet". I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him. I will not outsource core functions.If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British). If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet.Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design. I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies.So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave." My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction.I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors". I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway. Walter: Do you ever feel like someone is just playing games with you? “Seeing you brings back memories… of wanting my eyes gauged out!” “We could be best friends… if I liked people with an arse for a face!” “I want to come round your house for tea… then I’ll have your Mum!” “Philosophers tell us, there are those who create, those who destroy and those who are wankers… like YOU!!” Gnomes (Fable 3) “If only we knew a tiny, crazy old man that enjoys blowing things up.” (Fable 3) |
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