I JACKED ALL OF THIS STUFF FROM OTHER PEOPLES PROFILES

16 ways to maintain a Healthy level of insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars, see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their Caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy".
7.Don't use any punctuation.
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Specify that your drive thru order is "To Go"
10. Sing Along at the Opera
11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
13. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON I WON!!"
14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
15. Tell your children over diner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
16. Send this to your friends to make them smile, It's called therapy.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line.

Other Stuff I Thought Was Funny:

When Obama tells his children to clean their rooms, he ends with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message!"

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is Carlisle, screw the fruit!

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

When life gives you lemons throw the back and demand vodka.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.

They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns

"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

“When there's a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown

When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that mother fucker upside the head

Don't think of your self as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident ."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
"I swear you're just like your father."

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!!

If a doctor doctors another doctor then does the doctor who doctors doctor the way the doctor he doctors does? Or does the doctor that doctors. doctor the way the doctor who doctors does?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

If they say T.V. is so bad for you, why do they have one in every hospital room?

Have you ever noticed that anyone going faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower than you is an idiot?

But I ask, if I think not, am I not? I think not. Don't you think?

What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

How can you miss me if I don't go away?

The statement below is false.

The statement above is true.

Which statement is correct?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Why think when you could just move? Why move when you could just think about thinking about moving?

My Favorite Insults (use at your own risk)

Everyone is entitled to being stupid, but you just abuse the prviledge.

I would say "screw you" but I think to many people already did.

I am really trying to imagine you with a personality. Oops, I can't.

Not the brightest crayon in the box, now, aren't we?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Your a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.

You just won't leave me alone, will you? You know, people like you are the reason why people like me need medication.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
God made me beautiful,
What happened to you?

List 5 reasons why I shouldn't talk to you. And then read them over and over.

If stupidity was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

If Ingnorance is Bliss, you must be the happiest person in the world.

You know you live in 2009 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played Solitare with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screenname or MySpace

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that... You know you did.

here are my favorite things i'v said

mum (i do in fact live in america) said somthing about eating the letter u in the alphabet cheese it's so i asked"Why u ... because i forgot the o"

others to be added when i say them