We love Harry Potter fanfics. No really. The only problem is that we can't find enough good fics, leaving us forced to read badfics. It's no wonder why we're so out of sorts all the time.

Filch -- The Hogwarts caretaker. A Squib who wants to do wandless magic, preferably without transgender surgery. Has cat named Mrs. Norris who's gotten more action than he has.

Peeves -- The resident Hogwarts poltergeist. Likes playing tricks on students and teachers alike and loves squicky ships. His current favorite pairing is Ginny/Crabbe/Goyle after the Weasley bint hurled a book at him.

Skeeter -- The Daily Prophet's journalist. She's more of a gossip really, turning into a beetle day in and day out must've affected her brain.

Snape -- The man who hasn't been laid in over a decade. No wonder that he's so nasty all the time, especially to those pesky Gryffindors who mock his hair.