Mrs. Xander Harris
 Hi! I'm Nicole Preston I'm 15, i live i kentucky, and i LOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEE harry potter, and twilight my old penname(s) are Nicoleishott4077 my nicknames are nikki, crazy person, ali, and nikkicole Month one Mommy Month Two Mommy Month Three You know what Mommy Month Four Mommy Month Five You went to the doctor today. Month Six I can hear that doctor again. Month Seven Mommy Every Abortion Is Just . . . One more heart that was stopped. If you're against abortion, re-post this This story is about a little girl that was abused. If you care about it, copy and paste it to your profile. My name is sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy, Murdered me. Child abuse, MAKE IT STOP!-- You know you live in 2009 when... 1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave. 2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years 3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space 4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV 6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. 7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. 8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5. 10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5. 11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. 12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile Even when you cant see Him, GOD is there! If you belive in GOD put this in your profile If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in you're profile. did u know b4 u go to sleep at night there is 1 person of the opposite rainbow is thinking of u .they want to kiss u ,they want to be with u are always thinking about u b4 they go to sleep at night they r longing to be with u this is not at all fake if u repost within 5 mins the person who is longing for u will approach u in 1 month and ask u out or grab u and kiss u . but if u break this chain no1 will ask u out in 5 years 98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile. If you support Ashley Tisdale and dislike Vanessa Hugdens, put this in your profile. Ashley Tisdale is waaaaaaaaay better than Vanessa Hudgens, copy this into your profile. If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in your profile. If you have way too many of these things, copy and paste this into your profile. Check this out... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! Tahts so cool! Our Father, who art in heaven Ten Comantments: Why Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they already know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?” Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends—if they’re okay, then it’s you. Animal diaries Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow—but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released—and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now … Funny Sayings Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money !) Death is hereditary. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. "When life gives you lemons, make grape soda and let the world wonder how you did it." "When life gives you lemons, hand them back and say 'make your own damn lemonade'." "Before you insult someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do insult them you are a mile away and you have their shoes." "(Band teacher to farting kid) Now if only we could get the tubas to reach that pitch..." "Haikus are easy But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator." "Caffeine first, saving the world later." "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." "SOS-Save our Sasuke" "SOS-Save our Spaghetti" "SOR-Save our ramen" "Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree." "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." "Being pissed off is WAY better than being pissed on." Build a bridge and get over it. "When you close the fridge, does the light really go off?" "Good morning, star shine, the earth says hello!" "Don't assume, it makes an ass out of you and me. " If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? Strangers have the best candy. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way. Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to. Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train! I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done. DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free! Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window! Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard. Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with Braille on them. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'! The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with. Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it. ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait. I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed. I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain away afterwards. It´s funny- the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. I would rather you hate me for everything i am, then have you love me for something i'm not. It's mind over matter. If i don't mind you, then you don't matter. Beer is proof God loves us - Benjamin Franklin When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them. YAY!! "Whatever you do, follow your heart- Just take your brain with you!" "Big girls don't cry- we get even" "You can fall from a tree, and you can fall from a cliff. But the best way to fall, is to fall in love." "When I was in grade school they asked me to write what i wanted to be when I grew up. I said happy. They said I didn't understand the assignment. I say they didn't understand life." Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Death is inevitable; don't fear it; love it, embrace it, stare at while it confronts you then turn around and run away, screaming for daddy. "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, asshole." ／l、 Yaaaay kitty! This is Kitty. Copy and paste Kitty into your Stupid Racist People... A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. I have joined the review revolution! Everyone should join it-because its sad when you look at your stats and you have 50 hits, but no reviews! You know how I feel! If you can smell trouble a mile away, and still walk straight into it, put this in your profile. If you support werewolf rights, copy & paste this into your profile -- The English Language-- There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!! 10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how??...) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought??...) On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because??...) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Oh my ...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity. |
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