Hello People of the world I am High-Off-Sugar-and-Books. Only call me by that unless you are one of my bfflad (best friend for life and death). The little icon/avatar thing was my cat maggie. Most of the times she is a total( bleep,) every thing must be about her or she would sceam her head off(she ticked me off so it is now gone, take that maggie. Ok so some info about me are( you don't need to read it):

1) i am a teenager (still in middle school)

2) all my friends consider me goth for reasons unknown to me. (To all my friends who look at this, just because i always where black and listen to music that most people think is scary does not make me goth!!)

3) I am not short, just fun size

4) all that funny crap people put in there pros i copy and put it in a word doc. to print and show my friends at school the next day. i was going to put it all in my pro but my pc crashed and parents are not going to pay for it to get fixed. :-(

5) i am a girl.

6)I live in the states in an area that gets no snow. :-(

I am considered crazy, loud, and sometimes weird by every one even, sometimes my parent.

Things i Like: Music(mostly rock, metal, or screamo), skateboarding, animals(like a black cat, dog, bunnies, and such), Books(only fiction), social studies, guitar, singing, hanging out with friends, summer, the snow shopping, hot topic, spencer's, a cute skater kid that live in my development, thinking of ideas for fan fics, fan fics, fax, figgy, ddr, zelda games(love twilight princess), guitar hero, rockband, pokemon games, zwinky, weeworld, being crazy, lots of bracelets, the color black, night( i am a night person i usally can't get to sleep till twoish, and wake up every few minutes., horror movies and ghost shows, fang, edward

Things i hate: JONAS BROTHERS, Hannah Montana, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, NAKED BROTHERS BAND, MOST DISNEY CHANNEL SHOWS(all of the above should die), Rap, wannabes, preps, cheerleaders(to happy for there own good), raceist people, popular things, sexist people, PINK IS EVIL, the daytime, Mr. Rubio, Math, All my 7th grade teachers, school, bella, Jacob

My fav bands(you should youtube them): Linkin Park(i may go to there concert this summer), Three Days Grace, Paramore, Nickleback, Disturbed, SlipKnot, Korn, Trapt, My chemical Romance, Evanescence, Breaking Benjamin, Bullet For My Vallentine, Panic at the Disco, and more i can't remember now.

Books all you peoples should read: All maximum ride books (duh), the twilight series, harry potter series, gemma doyle series, city of bones, and more that i will write later because my arm hurts now.

Before I continue i would like to give a moment of silence for Hedwig, Fred and George's ear who died in the 7th book (me silently crying, why,why must the die)

Harry Potter- 150 Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

150. Getting everyone into the great hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points.
149. I will not tell sir Cadogen that the knights who say ‘Ni’ have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions.

148. I am not the King of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have the power.”

146. “Y’all check this-here out!” is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

145. It is not necessary to yell “BURN” every time Snape takes a point from Gryffindor.

144. The whomping willow is not an ent-wife.

143. I will not sing “we’re off to see the wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.

142. “To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.

141. I will not scare the Arithmacy students with my calculus book.

140. I will not start food fights in the great hall.

139. I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry’s lips to get him to do whatever I want.

138. I will not tell the first years that professor Snape is the voice of God.

137. It is a bad idea to tell professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

136. I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.

135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

134. I am not allowed to teach the first years to “the penis game” in the great hall during dinner.

133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “attack of the killer tomatoes.”

132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wondering the hallways.

131. I will not steal Godric Gryffindor’s sword form Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways.

130. It is not necessary for me to yell “BAMF” everytime I apparate.

129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.

128. I am not Xena warrior princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.(Or will I)

127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to first years as Tim the enchanter.

126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherine day.

125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary war in charms class.

124. I will not wear my “DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT” shirt to school.

123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

122. “Draco Malfoy takes it up the ” is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

120. I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.

119. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of “Knights of the round table” for the Christmas feast.

118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.

117. Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.(Zelda and Link Rule, you must like that stuff to underrstand)

116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

114. There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.

113. My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants” I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.(but it is my name)

112. Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

111. I will not yell “Believe it… or not” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.

110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic transfiguration spell.

109. I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.

108. I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the whomping willow.

107. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherine Quidditch matches.

106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

105. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.(but it would be fun i have a whole binder filled with them)

104. I will not lock the Gryffindor and Slytherine houses in the same room and start taking bets on which house will come out alive.(No offense but my money is on Slytherine)

103. I am not allowed to give Gryffindors Pixie Sticks

102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore even if it would be amusing.

101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.(imagine Peeves with a paint ball gun, total hell)

99. I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

98. “OMGWTF” is not a spell

97. I will not claim there is a prequel to “Hogwarts, a History”.

96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff I will not wave my hand and state “These are not the droids you are looking for”.

91. I will not claim my X-files tapes are “Auror training videos”.

90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more then fifteen seconds I am to assume I am not allowed to do that.

89. I will not charm Hermione’s time-turner to turn every half hour.

88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors.

87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.

86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

85. Ravenclaws do not find the sign “The library is closed for indefinite amount of time” amusing in any sense.

84. I am not allowed to lock Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter in a closet and see if hot gay sex will occur.(ok this is gross but I did not create it)

83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the ministry are here.

82. When asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It does DEATH” may be correct but it is not the manor in which one should answer.

81. Calling Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

80. I will not use Slytherine and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney I prophesied her death.

78. Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster” not “My liege”.

77. I will not refer to the accio charm as “the force”.

76. There is not now nor has there ever been a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

74. I will not say, “Dude get a life” to Voldemort.(but he does need one)

73. I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

72. When fighting deatheaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “there can only be ONE”.

71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherine house mascot.

70. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

69. Fist years should not be encouraged to befriend the whomping willow.

68. I will not impersonate a Swedish chef in potions class.

67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as “cannon fodder”.

66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of “Selsun Blue” into Professor Snape’s personal postbox.

65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.( but fluffy is hungry and who needs first years)

63. Using engorgio charms on certain parts of the anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, even for entertainment purposes.

62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled “Firewhiskey”.

61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.(catdragons would be awsome)

60. I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Draco Malfoy.

59. I am not defense against the Boring classes Professor.

58. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

57. I can not Hadoken anything into oblivion.

56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shaklebolt as “big black sexy auror.”

55. Black Phoenix Labs does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as “veela pheromones”.

54. My name is not Captain Subtext.

53. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley’s head.

52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetic Corp.

51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda boy.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books she would have already said so.

48. I am not allowed to teach the first year to sing “a wizards staff has a knob at the end”.

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me ‘the pointy hat trick’.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make ‘love potion number nine’.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

44. I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected deatheaters.

43. It is a bad idea to tell professor McGonagall that she takes herself to seriously.

42. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.(are you sure)

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.(gross much)

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.(gross again)

39. Asking, “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and then walking away is only funny the first time.

38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as “Admiral Naismith”.

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.(so much grossness)

36. I will not change the password to the prefect’s bathroom to, “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.

35. Any resemblance between the Dementors and the Nazgul is just a coincidence.

34. The Ravenclaws are not “Mentats in training”.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

31. I do not have a Dalek patronus.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

28. I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.(piranhas are cool)

27. I am not a tribble Animagus.

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are mine even if I yelled, “Pwned.”

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the school library shelves.

23. I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with coast-to-coast AM transcripts.

21. There is no such thing as were-thylacine.

20. I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me lucky charms”.

16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of muggle life.

15. “Liften Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.

14. I will not start every potions class by asking my professor if today’s project is suitable as a sexual lubricant.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defense against the Dark arts professor is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.

11. If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of this fact and draw a dark mark on their arm.

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.

9. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Myrtle an eyeful”.

8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore.”

7. The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule ball.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filtch’s office is not appropriate.

4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

3. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra-credit project for Herbology.”

2. No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons nor will I insist that their house colors indicate they are, “covered in bees”.

Playlist for A Lost Soul(story i am working on)

The reason-Hoobastank

Far away-Nickelback

Home-Daughtry

Animal I Have Become-Three Days Grace

Fall for You

Who Knew-pink

People you must go to my fav.stories. Press on Maximum Ride Comes Alive. It is totally creepy. Here's the link

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VYvi6KKhcRE

you must see it.

Drum roll please... And here they finally are, THE COPY AND PASTE THINGS

poles are a girl's best friend-Sam,Steph, Nicole A

Sexy boys wear pink-my friends on a field trip to boy that were wearing pink shirts

Sam:screw the Jonas Brothers

Jackie: In what way

(two of my friends during lunch)

My friends are crazy

Stuff that i got from skyflyer81310

A Poem By Max

White is the color of little bunnies with pink noises.

White is the color of fluffy clouds fluffling thier way across the sky.

White is the color of soft-serve ice cream cone.

White is the color of angel's wings and Angel's wings.

White is the color of brand-new ankle socks fresh out of the bag.

White is the color of crisp sheets in schmancy hotels.

White is the color of every last freakig,gol-danged thing you see from endless miles and miles if you happen to be in Antarctica trying to save the world, which now you aren't so sure you can because you fell like if you see any more whiteness-wonder bread,someone's underwear,teeth- you will completely and totally lose your eber'lovin mind and wind up pushing a grocery cart full of empty cans around New York City, muttering to yourself.

Page 134-135 of The Final Warning.

By James Patterson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Song that skyflyer81310 thinks represent the Flock perfectly~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me against the world-Simple Plan

Time of Dying-Three Days Grace

Savin me-Nickleback

Out of Control-Hoobastank

Nothing Else Matter-Metallica

Your Guardian Angel(Fax)- The Red Jumpsuites

Never to Late-Three days Grace

Animal I become-Three days Grace(my fav song)

The Howling-Within Temptaion(the music video is freaking awsome)

Home-Daughtry

Alive-P.O.D

These do sound like the books

another on would be One x -Three Days Grace

If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.

If Faxness is one of your obsessions, post this in your profile.

If you love the whole blind, pyro, mutant, baker thing about Iggy, post this in your profile.

If you are called 'weird' at least 5 times a day, post this in your profile.

If you have an iPod and love rocking out to it, post this in your profile.

If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile.

If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get like, two reviews, copy this into your profile.

If you are SO obsessed with Maximum Ride that it is not even FUNNY anymore, post this in your profile.

If you hear voices of book characters in your head, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you think Edward Cullen is hot...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile

If you support the ‘Make Edward change Bella into a vampire’ club, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer

AACIBD is Addicted to All Cullen’s Including Bella Disorder.

If you are absolutly in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional charater Edward, from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

if you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile

If you read Maximum Ride School's Out - Forever in under 5 hours copy this into your profile.

If you have/ wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.

If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If u think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in ur pro!

If you've ever read/started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've met your not-blood related twin (in resemblance or personality), copy and paste this in your profile. (dude, it was weird)

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have a crush on somebody, but you are afraid to say anything about it, then copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list. Don't worry, your secret is safe!

If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

Why fit in with the crowd when you were made to stand out of it?

You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you're all the same

213 things Skippy can no longer do in the US Army.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is not a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is not a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does not involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do not entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is not a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do not need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they are “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may not attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is not a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness only. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.