Elemental Flash
PERSONAL DATA Name: [Redacted] Classified Beyond Top Secret. Alias: Elemental Flash. Gender: [Redacted] Background: [Redacted] Eyes: Some shade of blue. Hair: Black. Blood Type: [Redacted] Birthday: [Redacted] Zodiac: [Redacted] Fav. Colors: -In general: Green. -Eyes: 1. Emerald Green, 2. Other kinds of green, 3. Blue, 4. Red (scary, but cool). -Hair: Natural hair color. Likes: Reading fan fictions. Inspire authors. Anime. Manga. Comics. Video Games. T.V. Movies. Candy, snacks and soft drinks. Single Male X multiple Females (who don't?). Dislikes: Discontinued fictions. Death of (main) heroes in fictions. Yaoi. HATE: Rapists. Murderers. Fav. Anime/Manga/Light Novel: Naruto, Bleach, Fate/Stay Night, Fairy Tail, High School DxD, Fav. Movies: Harry Potter except (5), 6 and 7 (Wrong pairing(s)). Star Wars (all). Fav. Games: Harry Potter 1-5, DOA (all). Soul Caliber (all). Anime games. Star Wars Games. Halo 1-3. FANFICTION If you support the Yaoi/Yuri filter for the story search engine, paste this into your profile! If you think stories with a MA rating should be allowed on FanFiction.Net, paste this into your profile! I'm Sorry aka Girls don't realize these things I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry But most of all I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm Sorry I'm sorry Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?" Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you. If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry' If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things' Cute ones: Girl: Do I ever cross your mind? Girl: Do you like me? Girl: Do you want me? Girl: Would you cry if I left? Girl: Would you live for me? Girl: Would you do anything for me? Girl: Choose--me or your life The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says... The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life. If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile Girls fun? fun. FUN! Selfmade Jokes Napoleon Bonaparte once said something true and something false: "Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." "In politics, stupidity is not a handicap." Napoleon Bonaparte came to power after the France revolution where the poor decapitated the rich. Racism payback The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... A few annoying stereotypes: Bold the ones that apply to you. B.O.H.I.C.A. : Bend Over Here It Comes Again F.U.B.A.R. : F#cked up beyond all recognition H.U.M.A.S. : Head Up My @ss Syndrom S.N.A.F.U. : Situation Normal All F*cked Up A.D.O.S.D. : Attention Deficit Oh Shiny Disorder (Friend says I have this) F.O.C.U.S. : F*ck Off Cuz Ur Stupid - T-shirt D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. : Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck! - Necros Chris Crazy phrases and facts You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff...I laugh again. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. Government is a mass delusion. The only proof that it exists is that a number of people agree that it does, and are willing to perform acts they blame on it. The same is true of Santa Claus, except that I have never met government. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and smirk as everyone wonders just how the heck you managed it. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isnt for you. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. I'm smiling. That really should scare you. Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Someday, we'll look on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me. Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them. Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas. If I had any dignity that would have been humiliating. That which does not kill me had better run pretty dang fast. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. When in doubt, push random buttons! Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter. If you can't beat the computer at chess, try kickboxing. When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train. Last night I was looking up at the stars when suddenly I wondered..."Dude, where the heck's my ceiling?" There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves. They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people... Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking. He who laughs last thinks slowest. An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work. I'm not cynical, I just see things the way they are. I respect your opinion, I just think it's stupid. It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots. The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’re good. I'm not as dumb as you look. The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. Sarcasm is one more free service we offer. I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room? Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs. Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to. Love your enemies. It gets them really confused. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. Anything thrown hard enough should hurt. Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss. Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?" When I was born, I was so shocked that I didn't talk for a year and a half. Where there's a will...I want to be in it. Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already. The trouble with life, is there's no background music. I couldn't repair you brakes, so I made your horn louder. A clean house is a sign of a broken computer! Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I will not follow. If you want to walk besides me, go far it, but don't expect a big reaction... For people who like peace and quiet: Get a PHONELESS CORD! I don't get even, I get odder. I have a photographic memory, but it takes a day to develop. I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly, if it's worth it. Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!" If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP. Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done. Love me, Hate me, make a voodoo doll of me and stick it full of pins, I will continue to be indifferent to you. To be alone is to be different; to be different is to be alone. The beatings will cease once moral improves. Excuse me while I find a container for my joy. People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do. It takes an idiot to do cool things...that's why they're cool. "If the opposite of Pro is Con then the opposite of Progress is Congress" - random thought. "Yes!" "No!" "What was the question?" - me "There is a fine line between sanity and insanity, and I have white out" - me Its's a Stupid idea, I'll go first - Druken friend to Me What color is the Sky in your world - Me to friends daughter "The Angel on my shoulder was gang raped by the devil from the other shoulder and the voices in my head" Internet. "Madness & Sanity are labels given by society... and I am Anti-Social" Druken Friend "I am fluent in three languages. English, Sarcasm and Profanity." Friend to me "I am right 97 percent of the time, who cares about the other 4 percent." T-shirt. "Diamonds are a Girls Best friend, Boobs are everybody's friend" Female friend to me at the club. "It doesn't Matter whose on First, I'm holding a F'n steel bat" Heard at bar league baseball game. "There is no such thing as overkill, there is only open fire and reload" T-shirt "Golf is the only game I can legally play and drive drunk" Friend to Me "When did chess become a sport? did I miss it becoming full contact? do the pieces explode" Friend upon hearing chess declared an "olympic sport" Follow up statement "What's next? Pokemon at the Olymics? Bey Blade?" Friend again Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. -Tim Allen See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams "Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams People say hate is a strong word, but so is love. And people throw it around like it's nothing. -Unknown Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. The believer is happy. The doubter is wise. We all know God invented liquor to keep the Irish from ruling the world. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. -Chris Rock Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over. Common sense is the most uncommon thing in the world. Stress: A condition caused by repressing the body's desire to strangle the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it. Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. "You see, among all men-those who value beauty, money, success, prestige-those of us who value love are the most dangerous of all. More than any others, we will compromise morals, ethics, our lives, and the lives of those around us-all for the sake of love." Millions long for immortality, but do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -Susan Ertz Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. -Harvey Fierstein Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it. -Henry Ford A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -Robert Frost Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -Napoleon Bonaparte In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex. -Daniel S. Greenberg Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly. A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water. -Eleanor Roosevelt "Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, secretions spit out of every gland and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?" -Dr.Allison Cameron - House, M.D. "Life with men is like a deck of cards... You need a Heart to love them, a Diamond to marry them, a Club to beat them, and a Spade to bury the bastards." -Unknown I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich Nietzsch "One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child." -Randall Jarrell Butch: "You so need to lighten up about the potato-launcher incident. "Me? I'm dishonest, and with a dishonest man, you can always trust him to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for because you never know when he's going to turn around and do something incredibly stupid." -Jack Sparrow, PotC A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a crib-house whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. Dating is like pulling off a successful heist. It's fun, it's thrilling, and you seem to have gained a lot from nothing. But marriage is like getting arrested after that crime. You lose your rights, your liberty, and when the adrenaline finally wears off, you realize how dreary your life has become, doing mundane chores and eating the same three square meals every day. It's a stable but banal existence that will suck the life out of you. Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon… Well you don’t always need to flirt because Love will be knocking on your door one day and it will be shooting up like a missile. It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left. I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!) How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Instructions: On American Airlines packet of nuts: "Open packet, eat nuts." On bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." On Boot's Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery." (I'd be more concerned that they thínk children are supposed to drive cars and operate machinery in the first place.) On candle: "Warning: A burning candle is fire." (I thought it was water... ;P ) On Children's Aspirin: "Warning: Keep away from children." (Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?) On child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (What kind of garment does, then?) On Dial soap: "Use like regular soap." (and the difference is?) On food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (What other use?) On frisbee: "Warning: may contain small parts." ('Small parts' of what?.) On hair coloring: "Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Um... what?) On jigsaw puzzle: "Warning: Some assembly required." (I don't think I need to say anything about this one...) On Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children." (I think something got lost in the translation...) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (No, really?) On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (As above.) On package of artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (Yeah, I'm really comforted by the knowledge that I'm eating real fake bacon.) On package of pasta, after cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (How to eat for dummies) On railroad sign: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." (Your honor, this dead guy is accused of touching the wires at the railroad. I didn't know you could sue dead people...) On Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But i am to lazy to take the pants of) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (No peas?) On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Kind of hard to fall asleep while using your hairdryer) On string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (I totally agree, using them in outer space just wouldn't work.) On Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion!) On Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Could anyone who's tried this, please raise your hands?) On Taiwanese blanket: "Warning: Not to be used as protection from a tornado." (Thanks for the warning, but i wasn't gonna try anyway.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert, printed on bottom of box: "Do not turn upside down." (Uh oh, too late!) Interesting and insane laws: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine. (I can blow up New York and only get a $500 fine?) It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants. It is illegal to allow a dog to be in a public place without its master on a leash. (The master on a leash??) It is illegal to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight. (taillight? Like taillight on a car?) It is illegal to carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. (This law has to be made by a business owner.) It is illegal to drive a motor vehicle on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it. (How old is that one?) It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire. (Unless you are eating in hell) It is illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. (Damn!) It is illegal to purchase an alcoholic beverage after midnight on Sunday, yet one may do so on Monday. (...) It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Why?) It is illegal to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Strange, but not illogical until you take into account that there is no coastline at all in the state in which this is a law...) It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. And last but not least... the penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Divine judgement ;P) Just a few questions in need of an answer: Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food? Why do doctors call what they do "practice"? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag? If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? Why do doctors leave the room when you strip? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Do cannibals refuse to eat clowns because they taste funny? If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done? If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If the speed of light is 300,000 kilometres per second, what's the speed of dark? Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face and then they stick their head out the window in a car? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why does round pizza come in a square box? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Why is it that to turn off Windows, you have to click on "Start"? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it? If vegetable oil made from veggies and oil, what is baby oil made of? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? Mousetraps are operated by people, right? Now, isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Why does the sun make our hair lighter and our skin darker? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do psychics have to ask your name? If a fat chicken laid eggs, would it sit on them? How is it possible to have a civil war? How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do people say, "Quit while you're ahead"? Why do our noses run and our feet smell? Why do people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up and cry every two hours? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, then what happens at a workstation? If sheep coats are made of wool, why don't they shrink when it rains? Light travels faster than sound - is that why some people appear bright before you hear them speak? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor since you can't drink and drive? Can you cry underwater? If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Why are marbles so called when they’re made out of glass? How can something be both new and improved? If the sign says "Keep Off The Grass", how did it get there in the first place? Obituary for the late Mr. Common Sense: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. He lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. He lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. He took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember Common Sense, copy and paste this into your profile. If not, join the majority and do nothing. 7 reasons not to mess with kids Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”. Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.” Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ” Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.” Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples. Only in America: I would advise that all Americans skip this section. Trust me. 1. Only in America... 2. Only in America... 3. Only in America... 4. Only in America... 5. Only in America... 6. Only in America... 7. Only in America... 8. Only in America... 9. Only in America... 10. Only in America... 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you." Crazy Anagram 'listen' and 'silent' Lines that Make You Smile 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled Was NOT One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up! 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles must, begin with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. He who dies with the most toys, is nonetheless DEAD. 24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 25. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 26. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. Things that make you feel good: 1. Falling in love. 1) I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET (LO0K AT #5) MANLAW The male equivalent of the 10 Commandments 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. 16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: “GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?” “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!” We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. Friends or best friends FRIENDS: Never ask anything to eat or drink FREINDS: Call your parents Mr. Mrs. and grandma and grandpa FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail FRIENDS: Never seen you cry FRIENDS: Ask you to write down you number FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff and gives it back a few days later FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you FRIENDS: Wonders about your romantic history. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what everyone else is doing FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell FRIENDS: Will comfort you when your love rejects you. FRIENDS: Will be there for you when your love breaks up with you. FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall. FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain. FRIENDS: Will help you move. FRIENDS: Convinces you not to jump off the cliff. FRIENDS: Are through high school/college FRIENDS: Will ignore this Counter pick-up lines. Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: Have not I seen you before? Man: Is this seat empty? Man: Your place or mine? Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Man: Your body is like a temple. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together. Man: Your eyes they're amazing. Man: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Man: Will you go with me to the cinema on Saturday? Man: Can I buy a drink for you? Man: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy. Man: Will you go with me to the cinema and watch a movie? Man: I work as a photographer and has long been searching for a face like your. Man: I think I can make you happy. (He: Why do you wear a Bra if you've got nothing to fill it in?) A: Hot Let me see how my name turned out like! The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A." Anime jokes and stuffs: Your '...' jokes: naruto style Your '...' is so ugly, not even Naruto can believe it! Don't do this: Naruto style Don't tell Sasuke that Chicken Little wants his ass back. Don't ask Kakashi to perform Lightning Blade while standing on a power line Don't tell Tenten that Neji cut his hair Do not put carnivorous plants around the Aburame household Don't call the dog catcher on Akamaru Don't try and give Kiba a flea bath Don't tell Sakura to rent her forehead out as a billboard advertising space Don't give Gai a cape and cowl Don't ask Orochimaru to do the moonwalk Do not sprinkle salt on Tsunade's slug Do not ask Gamakichi or Gamatastu to run across a busy intersection Do not give Enma barrels to throw Hip Hop Harry is never to be summoned again I will not try to deepfry Tonton Jiraiya's alter-ego is not Master Roshi Ebisu is not Jiraiya's secret pervy apprentice I will not burn trees and blame it on Sasuke I will not compare the Lightning Blade to a certain yellow mouse I will not throw water balloons at Gaara I will not replace Karasu's poison bombs with stink bombs I will not paint Choji red and ask him to run around yelling "Oh Yeah!" I will not ask Kisame to eat Sharkfin Soup I will not summon Gamakichi to rid my home of flies I will not pluck Lee's eyebrows and give them to Gaara I will not call Gaara a momma's boy I will not ask Tenten for swordchucks I will not tape a "Kick Me" sign to Neji's blindspot Never call anyone in the Hyuga Clan Mr. or Mrs. H Do not give Gai a cape Do not give Lee a Flash costume Do not dump water on Konan Do not ask Kurenai if she drinks Asuma's blood It is unwise to ask Anko to tie you up. Do not call Tsunade the Wicked Witch of Konoha Similarly, do not call Shizune or Sakura Dorothy Do not ask Shizune for acupuncture Do not yell Clone Dogpile around Kiba Do not read Jiraiya's books, lest you lose your innocence Do not spoil said books' ending to Kakashi Hatake Do not call the Third Hokage a dirty old man Do not use Rasengan to stir food Do not use Chidori to jumpstart a machine Never try and ask Shino what's under his glasses Similarly, never ask Kakashi what is under his mask Do not hang flypaper or bug zappers around the Aburame Manor Do not use Fire Style Jutsu in place of fireworks. For my sake and yours, do not ever call Tsunade an old woman Kakashi cannot summon Snoopy, so stop asking Similarly, Kakashi cannot summon Scooby or Scrappy Doo. Jiraiya cannot summon a being known as Frogger Orochimaru is not to be referred to as Michael Jackson, even if he does like little boys Similarly, do not call Tsunade Big Momma Kisame Hoshigaki is not to be called a failed movie experiment It is unwise to yell "fire in the hole" when Deidara is present Just because Naruto Uzumaki has done most of these things doesn't mean you should too. Anime quotes "All I see in your sword is fear. If you dodge, you're afraid of being hit. If you're protecting someone, you're afraid they'll die. If you attack, you're afraid you'll cut them. There is no place for fear here. Do you see the resolve to cut you in my blade? If I dodge, I won't let you hit me. If I'm protecting someone, I won't let them die. If I'm attacking, I will cut you." -Urahara Kisuke, Bleach You know you're obssesed with Anime when... 1. You own a shiny metal object of doom. 2. You and your friends have anime nicknames. 3. You know your favorite character’s birthday; favorite color food and animal, blood type, and you cant even remember your sibling’s birthday. 4. You are in multiple anime fan clubs (or own some!). 5. You almost die if you miss an episode of your favorite anime, or cant buy the newest manga. 6. Your friend shows you their manga collection and you drool all over there carpet. 7. You have dressed up as you favorite character on Halloween, or just for fun! 8. You have a picture of your favorite character in your wallet or purse. 9. You prefer guys with long silver hair and swords. 10. You write a story about your favorite character for English class. 11. You have pictures of anime all over you walls. 12. You have a dream in Japanese and you don’t even understand it. 13. You want to learn Japanese for no apparent reason, even though you have never been to Japan and probably never will. 14. Your knowledge of Japanese only extends to "hello" and "I will kill you". 15. You begin to learn Japanese through watching subs. 16. You use Japanese when in a conversation with any random person, and don’t realize you did until you see them looking at you funny. 17. You can't speak Japanese, can't understand Japanese yet you can sing along to the theme song of every anime movie you own. 18. You accidentally call a very unintelligent person Kuwabara by mistake. 19. You where a pink jewel around your neck and call it the shikon jewel. 20. You waist countless amounts of hair gel trying to that "goku" look. 21. (If you speak English) when English becomes your second language. 22. You name (or plan to name) your children after anime characters. 23. You buy shuriken or kunai. 24. You speak in subtitles. 25. You prefer anime over real life. 26. You begin to think that blue or pink is a natural hair color. 27. You continually buy and eat ramen, even if you don’t like it that much. 28. You suddenly decide to study a random martial art. 29. You cosplay daily. 30. When you get a crush on an anime character You KNOW you're obsessed with Naruto when: 1! You make a leaf village head protector! 2! You actually take the time to learn the jutsu hand motions! 3! Every time you put your glasses on you whisper 'Sharingan!'! 4! You are a girl and dye your hair pink to get the 'Natrually Sakura' look! 5! You want people to refer to you as 'The 6th hokage' 6! You keep butter knives in your pocket and call them kunais! 7! You drew the Uchiha clan symbol on the back of your new jean jacket! 8! You name your dog Akumaru! 9! You throw sand at people while etching the symbol for 'Love' in Japanese on the side of your forehead! (Don't forget the eyeliner!!) 10! You ask the chicken you ate last night to lend you some chakra! 11! You let a rabid snake bite you, hoping to get the seal 12! Dye your hair blonde and try to walk up a tree. 13! Live by a strict diet of only ramen. 14! Call your semester examine a chuunin exam. 15! Trade in your favorite hat for a forehead protector. 16! Roll your eyes back in your head and shout "byakugan". 17! Copy every thing a person does and claim it's your bloodline. 18! Stay up all night waiting for the release of the next manga chapter. 19! Start adding the words chan and kun on the end of your friends names. 20! Paste a piece of paper that says "come come paradise" on the front of adult books. 21! Jump off a cliff and attempt to use Kuchiyose No Jutsu to summon the toad king. 22! Keep all your money in a frog shaped wallet. 23! Memorize the 64 points of Ninpou. 24! Stick your hand in a electric box and scream "chidori" as you pass out. 25! Join a website and use the name Neji as your s/n. 26! Start to call your teachers Sennin. 27! Claim your going to kill your best friend so you can have a better Sharigan. 28! Sit in your local book store and read the manga all day. 29! When someone ask you who your dream girl is and you say Ino. 30! Agree to stay up and write this list so you can be added to the staff of Naruto Central. 31! Spend your week searching down Naruto sites. 32! Refuse a date because your saving yourself for Sakura. 33! Graduate high school and proclaim yourself as an Anbu. 34! Cry at the flash back scenes of Sasuke's family. 35! Try to hit Itachi through the screen when he tortures Sasuke. 36! Put a picture of Hinata in your wallet and tell your friends it's your girlfriend. 37! List Anbu as current occupation on a job application. 38! Can spout out a random character quote on command. 39! Draw symbols on a scroll and try to seal a whole in a wall with it. 40! Sneak around and try to beat your grandfather. 41! Wake up in the middle of the night and scream "Itachi why?!". 42! Eat all day and all night, and then try to roll into a ball and run someone down. 43! Get bit by a snake and decide stabbing the wound is a good idea. 44! Read manga 24 hrs non stop just so u can read more. 45! Decide that if u can't hit a tree 1500 times then. You'll jump rope 1500. 46! Decide to call your moral code your "ninja way". COME TO THE DARK SIDE... The bandits says: Come to the dark side... WE HAVE COOKIES!! But the ninjas says: Come to the dark side... WE HAVE KUNOICHIS!!! Unless you piss them off then we have castrations Halfass Naruto stories 101. Step One: Naruto is being chased by an angry mob even though he's only three years old (barly old enough to wipe his own ass) and living alone for some reason. Step Two: He trips and/or reaches a dead end (oh noooo's) and they procede to inflict grevous, crippling, and all around over exaggerated unsurvivable wounds. Step Three: After ten minutes of stabbing and beating (Which miraculously avoided his vitals) someone comes in to inflict the the final blows at the crowds jeering. Step Four: In a 'thrilling' and 'suspenseful' moment a giant war-hammer is swung down on Naruto, only to be stopped an inch from his head by token superhero #25. Step Five: Token superhero #25 yells at crowd. "WHAT ARE DO DOING TO TO THIS POOR BOY?!," crowd replies. "KILLING THE DEMON!" or the like. Slaughter ensues. Step Six: Sarutobi and an Anbu squad show up. (perfect timing) Hokage confronts token superhero #25. "WHO ARE YOU?!" hero responds. "I'm super awesome-man! (Relation to Naruto's parents optional) Now why are your villagers attacking this poor boy?" Step Seven: The Hokage proceeds to break his own law and tells to complete strangers Narutos life story, much to their outrage. Step Eight: Token superhero #25 says he's taking the boy away to train him. Sarutobi agrees immendiatly without arguement, but pleads for them to return for the Genins exams. #25 agrees. (The fact that he agreed to bring the kid back to a place that delivered a massive beating to a three year old didn't seem to bother him.) Step Nine: Naruto wakes up after the ten minute conversation completely healed, energetic, and with enough brain damage to forgive the entire ordeal. (Apparently he's Jesus, filled with infinate forgiveness for the unforgivable) Step Ten: They fill Naruto in on the details and he begs to be able to come back to be Hokage. (a three year old can comprehend that...how?) and the duo is off. Step Eleven: Time skip. Naruto returns, covered in trench coats and pictures of foxes. (throwing all stigmas to the wind). Step Twelve: Meets Hokage and dishes out all his skills in painful detail. (Throwing all ninja sense to the wind.) Assigned to go to the academy, which happens to be having its exam that day. Step Thirteen: Shows off dramarically for the test and remainder of story, powning everyone but Orochimaru in the Forest of death. Step Foreteen: Falls in love with Hinata?! Props to Silent Master for his well thought out and reasoned rant (claps) List twelve characters from your fandom in no particular order 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10 11. 12. 1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to? 2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot? 3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant 4. Can you recall any fics about Nine? 5. Would Two and Six make a good couple? 6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why? 7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex? 8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic. 9. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff? 10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic. 11. Does anyone on your friends list read Three het? 12. Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven? 13. Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five? 14. If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose? 15. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be? 17. (1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (9) runs off with (4). (1), brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with (11) and a brief unhappy affair with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (3). What title would you give this fic? 18. How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon? 19. What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to de-flower One? 20. What might Ten scream in a moment of great passion? 21. What might be a good pick up line for Ten to use on Two? 22. How might Eleven describe a relationship between Two and Eight? Narutard Quiz Survey Questions: 1. Who are/is your favorite Naruto character(s)? Naruto, Sakura, Hinata, Lee and Kakashi. 2. What is/are your favorite pairing(s)? NaruSaku, NaruHina and NaruSakuHina. 3. Are you a Naruto yaoi or hentai fan? Hentai. Heterosexual Naruto and yuri. 4. Ever cosplayed Naruto characters? If so, who, where and how many times? No. 5. List your collection of Naruto junk and merchandise, if any: none. 6. Have you ever felt that you were destined to be with a Naruto character? If so, who? No one. 7. NaruHina or KibaHina? NaruHina, KibaHina looks fucking weird. 8. SasuSaku or SasuNaru? Neiter. Sakura is meant to be with Naruto, SasuNaru is yaoi and Sasuke loves none but himself. 9. Which team is your favorite? Team 7 or Team Gai? Team 7. 10. Do you support the obito theory? (Tobi=Obito) I didn't but it has been confirmed. 11. Do you support the 'Yondaime is Naruto's father' theory? The theory became a known fact before I learned about it. 12. Your favorite Akatsuki member? Itachi. 13. Are you Pro-Sasuke or Anti-Sasuke? The latter and... DEATH TO SASUKE!!! 14. Have you seen all Naruto episodes so far (including Shippuden and fillers)? Most. Not all the fillers. 15. Have you read all the chapters so far? You bet. 16. Do you believe Naruto has ADD? No, just stupid. 17. Sub or dub? Subbed! 18. Pro-Sakura or Anti-Sakura? Pro. She will be lady Uzumaki/Namikaze/Namikaze-Uzumaki one day. 19. Tobi = Annoying or funny? Both! 20. Do you even know who Tobi is? Are you asking if I know who the one with the orange mask are? Or are you asking about his real identity? 21. Gai = Sexy beast or Ugly nerd? ...Neither? 22. Which character would be the best cross-dresser? Either Haku with his androgenous appearance or Orochimaru... He was cross-dressing during the exam finales. 23. Rock Lee = Weird or Awesome? Awesome! 24. Which character would be best OOC? Who and how? Probably Naruto... If he was stronger and smarter in Shippuden, then we would have more action and he would be more useful and less of a complete imbicile. 25. Do you like Naruto fanfics? Yeah! 26. Do you write Naruto fanfics? Not yet. 27. Do you like lemons? YES!!! 28. Do your parents know about the Naruto characters? No 29. Have you watched the Naruto Abridged Series? The what? 30. Have you seen The Naruto Ultimate Fanflashes? Again what? 31. Have you ever gotten someone else hooked on Naruto? My brother. 32. Have you ever been drawing Naruto in school and has someone recognized it? No and no. 33. Have you ever been in class drawing Naruto and the teacher came up to you and said 'WTF is this?' No. 34. Has Naruto affected your school life and grades? No 35. Are you broke thanks to Naruto? Nope 36. Do you want to read Icha Icha Paradise? Yeah! 37. Do you support the 'Yondaime is the Akatsuki Leader' theory? No. No need to elaborate on my answer. 38. Do you draw Naruto fan-art? If so, count how many there are in your gallery. None. 39. Is Sasuke still sexy in his second stage of the cursed seal? NO! He is not sexy. Never were. Never will be. He is a brooding pretty boy, for the sake of the log. 40. Do you have a Naruto OC? Not really, more like lots of OOCs. 41. Looking back at some of your answers, do you think Naruto has taken over your life? No Honorary Member of The Book of Log. If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments Position: Log Worshipper. Possible Book of Log Positons: Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapers) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid. Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still reccommended. Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is uneligible from using the log for a period of two months. Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken: For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling. For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five saplings. For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten saplings. For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling per square inch of detached log. For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant twenty-five saplings. If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If your case is proven correctly your next replacement will be half off. 'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy. and the ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. for thine bravery will never be forgotten.' -book of the log, song of the willow, verses 1-4 'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.' -book of the log, chronicle of the replacement verse 3 'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads. you have been denied the log for a long time, sandwalker. we cannot force you to see the glory of the log, but know this. when the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the log will hear your prayers, and aid you.' -book of the log, redwood journals verses 15-16 'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.' -book of the log, honor of the forest canticle I, verses 78-82 'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none. -book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9 'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.' -book of the log, honor of the forest canticle II, verses 59-70 'And the log doth said, when in need of my presence, do not forget about mine younger sibling the branch, for even though it is neither as sturdy nor as noble as myself, it can serve in my stead should the time arise and if not can hide thee when not linked to mineself. Amen.' Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log. A little interesting note (Official word count from Scholastic Inc except DH) June 1997 Philosopher's Stone: 76,944 words July 1998 Chamber of Secrets: 85,141 words July 1999 Prisoner of Azkaban: 107,253 words July 2000 Goblet of Fire: 190,637 words June 2003 Order of the Phoenix: 257,054 words July 2005 Half-Blood Prince: 168,923 words July 2007 Deathly Hallows: 204,796 words Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is. Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’. Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever. Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hoqwarts has seen in a while. Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her. Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’. Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy … disagrees. Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand. Ron Weasley … is very afraid. Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much. Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat. Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out. George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry. Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter. James Potter … doesn’t believe her. Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’. Sirius Black … killed by drapery. Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences. Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane. Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush. Lucius Malfoy … does not like to be referred to as ‘Luscious Mouthful’. Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence. Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff. Slytherins … will push someone else off. Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase. Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet. Survey Questions: 1. Who are/is your favorite Harry Potter character(s)? Harry, Hermione, Luna and Nevilie. 2. What is/are your favorite pairing(s)? Harmony(Harry-Hermione), Lunar Harmony(Harry-Hermione-Luna) and Blazing Lunar Harmony(Harry-Hermione-Luna-Ginny). 3. Are you a Harry Potter yaoi or yuri fan? Yuri. 4. Ever roleplayed Harry Potter characters? No. 5. List your collection of Harry Potter junk and merchandise, if any: None. 6. Have you ever felt that you were destined to be with a Harry Potter character? No. 7. Harry-Hermione or Ron-Hermione? Harry-Hermione, Ron-Hermione is just wrong. 8. Harry-Draco or Hermione-Draco? Neiter. 9. Which Quidditch player except Harry is your favorite? The Twins. 10. Do you support the Potter males marry red-heads theory? No. 11. Do you like the 'Voldemort is Harrys father' stories? Only a few. 12. Your favorite Death-eater? Snape. 13. Are you Pro-Ron or Anti-Ron? More Anti-Ron then Pro. 14. Have you seen all Harry Potter movies so far? No. 15. Have you read all the books so far? No. 16. Do you believe Harry Potter was abused? Yes. 17. Sub or dub? Both. 18. Pro-Hermione or Anti-Hermione? Hermione for life! 19. Ron = Annoying or funny? Both! 20. Do you even know who R.A.B is? Regulus Arcturus Black. 21. Dumbledore = Naive Genius or manipulating old man? Both. 22. Which character would be the best cross-dresser? The guy from the Quidditch world cup. 23. Draco Malfoy= Good guy or bad guy? Bad guy. 24. Which character would be best OOC? Who and how? Certainly Harry and you don't need how. 25. Do you like Harry Potter fanfics? Yeah! 26. Do you write Harry Potter fanfics? Not yet. 27. Do you like lemons? Yes. 28. Do your parents know about the Harry Potter characters? A few. 29. Have you ever gotten someone else hooked on Harry Potter? My brother. 30. Have you ever been drawing Harry Potter in school and has someone recognized it? No and no. 31. Have you ever been in class drawing Harry Potter and the teacher came up to you and said 'WTF is this?' No. 32. Has Harry Potter affected your school life and grades? No 33. Are you broke thanks to Harry Potter ? Nope 34. Do you want to read PlayWizard? Yeah! 35. Do you draw Harry Potter fan-art? If so, count how many there are in your gallery. None. 36. Do you have a Harry Potter OC? Not really. 37. Looking back at some of your answers, do you think Harry Potter has taken over your life? No Great 'Draco Malfoy' jokes. First time at Hogwarts. By Szordara "Harry Potter and the Harem of Honeys". "Who are you?" blondie finally asked. He had restrained his curiousity until they were exiting onto the docks. "What's your family name?" Man, this kid was like a parody of a stereotypical snob! "Someone who doesn't care to respond to rude little albino arseholes like yourself," countered Harry, not bothering to look at blondie when he replied. "How dare you! Do you have any idea who my father is?" raged blondie. "The only arsehole bigger than you?" Most of the children around them easily heard that response, and laughed at blondie's flushed expression. Deciding to push the envelope a bit, Harry adopted a tone of false concern. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Were you seriously trying to find out who your father actually is? Have you been searching for years for the stupid git who sired you into this world? I hadn't realized you were literally a bastard." The others could barely keep the grins off their faces. "I know who my father is!" shrieked the boy. "His name is Lucius Malfoy!" The other students sniggered with mirth. Blondie had throbbing veins on his forehead. "Then why the bloody hell are you asking me who he is?" scoffed Harry. "Wait a sec... are you a bit slow in the head? Is that why Tweedledee and Tweedledum here are escorting you everywhere? Did your father pay them to help keep an eye on you?" Most of the first years were now laughing so hard they were in tears. "I am not slow in the head!" Blondie's voice became shriller and shriller as he got worked up. "You yell like a girl, blondie," he stated quietly. "Oh! Now I see where this is going... Sorry, but I don't go that way. I like girls." Blondie's head was seconds away from exploding. "I'M NOT GAY!" "Come now, denial isn't good for anybody. There's no shame in being gay, blondie. It's all cool. I don't swing that way myself, but I'm sure someday you will find your perfect guy. Just hang in there." The pseudo-bodyguards began to slowly back away from the furious albino, while the onlookers continued to laugh so hard several fell over. "I'M NOT GAY! YOU HEAR ME? I'M NOT!" "Like any straight guy spends that much time on his hair and clothes!" smirked Harry. "Well, maybe for a hot date, but you've been with the twins there ever since I first saw you. Do you like the big, strapping lads? Face it, the writing's on the wall, blondie. Hide in the closet all you want, but sooner or later you'll have to come out and face yourself." "I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, YOU STUPID BLOODY GIT!" The Prophecy "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not Harry Potter: Single pairing: 1. Harry X Hermione. 2. Harry X Luna 3. Harry X Ginny 4. Harry X (Lavender, Parvati, Padma, Susan, Hannah, Daphne, Tracey, Su Li) 5. Harry X CO Multi Pairing: 1. Harry X Hermione X Harem 2. Harry X Hermione X Luna X Ginny 3. Harry X Hermione X Luna 4. Harry X Hermione X Daphne X Susan 5. Harry X Hermione X (Hermione’s twin sister or little sister) 6. Harry X Hermione X Ginny Neville gets the girl(s), which Harry doesn’t get. HATE THE R/Hr-PAIRING HARRY POTTER CHALLENGES. (Still Updating). Marked with a rune of power. Voldemort marked harry with the lightning-shaped scar but it is the mark/rune of Zork and ?, the king and queen of deities of magic. ? is the magical goddess of Love, Life, Spirit. She is the queen, wife and equal to the king of deities of magic. Love aspect: The physical, mental and emotional love between humans but especially the love between a man and his woman (or women). Zork is the magical god of Body, Lightning, Tri-magic. He is the king, husband and equel to the queen of deities of magic. Physical Body aspect: Harry Potter and the Realm of Chaos/Demons. Harry Potter and the Daughters of Death Eaters. - Claire Malfoy, Lestrange. Harry Potter and the Bribes from the Afterlife. - Harem (4) - Improved body and magic Naruto/Naruto Shipuuden. Single pairing: 1. Naruto X Sakura 2. Naruto X Hinata 3. Naruto X Ino 4. Naruto X Tenten 5. Naruto X Temari 6. Naruto X Karin Multi pairing: 1. Naruto X Harem 2. Naruto X Sakura X Hinata X Ino X Tenten X Temari X Karin 3. Naruto X Sakura X Hinata X Ino X Tenten X Temari 4. Naruto X Sakura X Hinata X Ino X Tenten 5. Naruto X Sakura X Hinata X Ino 6. Naruto X Sakura X Hinata MISIONS. (Still Updating). E-rank mission. D-rank mission. D-ranks actually serve a variety of uses. The first is that they provide useful and necessary short-term services to Konoha using ninja labor that is, comparatively, cheap and effective. Services that otherwise would require brining in temporary, nonnative population forces that could serve as breeding ground for spies or other enemy agents. Second, they provide shinobi a source of monetary revenue without being forced to leave the village for extended periods of time. While most D-ranks pay less than a fifth of the lowest C-rank mission, D-ranks are much easier to accomplish, less time consuming, and are hardly ever in short supply. While even the shortest C-rank will take a shinobi out of the village for at least a day or two, most D-ranks only take a few hours to complete. This allows shinobi who cannot leave the village or can't take more strenuous missions to at least be able to maintain a moderate income. This is mostly used by shinobi with small children or those recovering from more serious injuries. Finally, they also provide a valuable training exercise for young and inexperienced shinobi without any serious risks. This mission, for example, is providing you two," indicating Naruto and Shikamaru, "with excellent physical exercise which, as I stated earlier, is just as important for your progression as shinobi as skill training. Hinata is getting valuable practice using her Byakugan in a practical environment, using it to both check the inventory to ensure everything arrived in one piece while still keeping an eye on both of you. Other missions will provide other benefits. Some will provide low-risked versions of higher-ranked missions. Retrieving lost pets, for example, is quite similar to a search and rescue mission or a targeted abduction mission. Message delivery is excellent practice for advanced courier work that even the highest ranked shinobi are needed for. Other missions teach valuable skills that can be useful for both survival and undercover work. Gardening teaches foraging and plant recognition, repair work teaches engineering, and various jobs assisting at several other businesses. To a ninja any and every skill can prove useful in the future, so these types of missions help give new genin a variety of experiences and skills to draw from. Granted most of this training and experience is extremely basic, but it does provide a solid groundwork for future, more advanced lessons. C-rank mission. B-rank mission. A-rank mission. S-rank mission. TECHNIQUES. Taijutsu: Genjutsu: Ninjutsu: Shadow Clone: Shadow Clone Hive Mind: Unknown Rank: Wind release: Vacuum Shield: Unknown rank: Fuinjutsu: Chakra Beacon: D-rank: Translation. Jobun = Foreword Shô = Chapter Ichi = One, Ni = Two, San = Three, Shi / Yon = Four, Go = Five, Roku = Six, Shichi / Nana = Seven, Hachi = Eight, Kyuu = Nine, Juu = Ten, JuuIchi = Eleven, JuuNi = Twelve, JuuSan = Thirteen, JuuShi = Fourteen, JuuGo = Fifteen, JuuRoku = Sixteen, JuuShichi = Seventeen, JuuHachi = Eighteen, JuuKyuu = Nineteen, NiJuu = Twenty. Haru = Spring, Natsu = Summer, Aki = Fall, Fuyu = Winter. Sayonara = Goodbye, Ohayo gozaimasu = Good morning, Konnichi wa = Good afternoon, Konban wa = Good everning, Oyasumi nasai = Good night, Merii kurisumasu = Happy Christmas, Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu = Happy New Year. Moshi moshi? = Hello? ("Moshi moshi?", is something they say everytime they answer the phone). Oh dear Kami-sama = Oh dear Lord / Oh dear God, Oh Kami = Oh God. Nakama = It can mean friend, but has a much stronger meaning to it like: Super-duper-bestest-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world-where-nothing-can-ever-ever-ever-EVER-tear-us-apart!! Koibito / Amate = Lover. Anata = means 'you' but also can mean 'dear'. Koi = Love. Koishii = Dearest / Sweetheart. Ichizoku = Family or Clan, ex! The Uchiha Ichizoku (The Uchiha Clan). Otou-sama, Otou-san, Otou-chan, Tou-sama, Tou-san, Tou-chan, Chichioya (Chichiue),'Oyaji' = Father, dad, 'Old man'. Okaa-sama, Okaa-san, Okaa-chan, Kaa-sama, Kaa-san, Kaa-chan, Hahaoya (Hahaue) = Mother, mom. Onii-sama, Onii-san, Onii-chan, Nii-sama, Nii-san, Nii-chan, Aniki, Ani, (Name, ex! Itachi)-nii = Older brother, Big brother, (Ani) brother equally, big brother (Itachi). Onee-sama, Onee-san, Onee-chan, Nee-sama, Nee-san, Nee-chan, (Name, ex! Hinata)-nee = Older sister, Big sister, big sister (Hinata). Otouto-sama, Otouto-san, Otouto-kun, Otouto-chan, Otouto, (Name, ex! Sasuke)-otouto = Younger brother, little brother, baby brother, little brother (Sasuke). Imouto-sama, Imouto-san, Imouto-chan, Imouto, (Name, ex! Hanabi)-imouto = Younger sister, little sister, baby sister, little sister (Hanabi). Ojii-sama, Ojii-san, Ojii-chan, Jii-sama, Jii-san, Jii-chan, 'Oyaji' = Grandfather, 'Old man'. Obaa-sama, Obaa-san, Obaa-chan, Baa-sama, Baa-san, Baa-chan, Sobo = Grandmother, Granny, 'Old hag'. Oji-sama, Oji-san, Oji-chan, Ji-sama, Ji-san, Ji-chan = Uncle. Itoko-sama, Itoko-san, Itoko-kun, Itoko-chan = Cousin (aka: Japanes: uchiha Obito is Uchiha Sasuke's and Uchiha Itachi's Itoko-kun, English: Obito Uchiha is Sasuke Uchiha and Itachi Uchiha's Cousin.). Ossan = Old man / Mister. Onna = Woman. Gaki = Brat. -sama = For higher status, ex! Hokage, Clan Head, ex! Tsunade-sama, Hiashi-sama. -san = For people you respect, ex! Kakashi-san, or with surname only: Hatake-san. -kun = For a boy / man you are familiar with, ex! Naruto-kun. -chan = For a girl woman you are familiar with, also refered to cute, ex! Sakura-chan. -sensei = For a teacher, doctor, ex! Iruka-sensei, Tsunade-sensei,Kakashi-sensei. -taichou = For a captain, ex! Hatake-taichou (Captain Hatake). -shishou = For boss or a teacher in a job, ex! Tsunade-shishou (By Sakura). -senpai = For a senior in school or in a job, ex! Deidara-senpai. -kouhai (Sp?) = For a junior in school or in a job, ex! Tobi-kouhai. |
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