Just some random funny texts I found:

Girl Comebacks!

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the ends of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I could see you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together.

Man: Your eyes, they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
Woman: About as much as when you got kicked out of Hell.

Girls, copy and paste this on your profile

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK,When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you'rePINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism.

Random:

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you realize that you're on fire? Do you remember to stop, drop and roll? Or do you just start running around in circles, screaming, "I'M ON FIRE!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!

I looked up at the stars one night and thought, "Where the heck did my ceiling go?!"

Life is difficult. It's full of trials, sorrow and pain. However, if you fall down, just stand up straight, be confident and say... "WHICH IDIOT PUSHED ME?!"

Silence is gold. Duct tape is silver.

If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. Either way, you're still gonna regret it, so why not just do it?

A drunken man once said this to a cop. "Here Officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he;ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Best friends for life! ...or at least 'till our next fight.

Isn't it funny how a heart shape is just two teardrops upside down?

I'm only smiling 'cos I have no idea what's going on.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan goes, "Oh, shit, she's up!"

War doesn't determine who's right, it determines who's left.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies!

I went to the dark side. Yeah, they lied about the cookies.

Dear Dark Side, you may have the cookies, but we have the MILK!

I stopped fighting with my inner demons. We're on the same side now.

OMG! THE RAIN'S WET!

They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gunhelps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

Show me a sane man and I’ll cure him for you.

I KNOW A SONG THAT GET’S ON EVREYBODYS NERVES, EVREYBODYS NERVES,EVERYBODYS NERVES…

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives me lemons, I squirt lemon juice in life’s eyes.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice with them, then sit back and let the world wonder how in the seven hells you did it.

I dare to be different. I like to be unique. ‘Cause I know I’m cool when people call me a freak!

Just when you thought you were the center of attention - I showed up!

You and your girls might turn heads, but Me and mine, we break their necks!

Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a Barbie doll.

When people you don’t even know hate you, you know you’re the best. That’s why I love my Haters.

Imperfection Is Beauty. Madness is Genius. And it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely stupid.