HORROR FILM WISDOM:

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

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2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

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3.Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

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4.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

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5.When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.

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6.If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

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7.If you're running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.

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8.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

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9.If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help

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10.When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

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11.People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

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12.Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

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13.If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload).

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14.If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

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15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

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16.If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

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17.If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.

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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Molly Weasley: [looks at Fred, hoping to get him onto platform 9 3/4] Fred, you next.

George Weasley: He's not Fred, I am!

Fred Weasley: Honestly, woman. You call yourself our mother.

Molly Weasley: [to Fred] Oh, I'm sorry, George.

Fred Weasley: [approaches the barrier] I'm only joking, I am Fred!

[runs through the barrier]

Hermione: Look at you playing with your cards. Pathetic! We've got final exams coming up soon.

Ron: I'm ready! Ask me any question.

Hermione: All right, what are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?

Ron: I forgot.

Hermione: And what, may I ask, do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?

Ron: Copy off you?

Hermione: No, you won't! Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we're to be given special quills bewitched with an anti-cheating spell.

Ron: That's insulting! It's as if they don't trust us!

Aunt Petunia: This is what you're going to be wearing when I finish dying it.

Harry: But that's Dudley's old uniform! It'll fit me like bits of old elephant skin.

Professor Severus Snape: For your information Potter, Asphodel and Wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of the Living Death, a Bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for Monkshood and Wolfbane, they are the same plant which also goes by the name of Aconite. Well, why aren't you all copying this down?

Harry: Good of you to get us out of trouble like that.

Ron: Mind you, we did save her life!

Harry: Mind you, she might not have needed saving if you hadn't insulted her.

Ron: What are friends for?

Hagrid: Crikey, I'd love a dragon.

Harry: You'd like a dragon?

Hagrid: Vastly misunderstood beasts, Harry. Vastly misunderstood.

Professor Quirrel: Troll! In the dungeons!

[looks sick]

Professor Quirrel: Thought you ought to know.

[faints and crumples onto the floor]

Draco Malfoy: It's true then, what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts.

Caretaker Argus Filch: A pity they let the old punishments die. Was a time detention would find you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons. God, I miss the screaming.

Oliver Wood: Scared, Harry?

Harry: A little.

Oliver Wood: That's all right. I felt the same way before my first game.

Harry: What happened?

Oliver Wood: I, uh, I don't really remember. I took a bludger to the head two minutes in. Woke up in hospital a week later.

Dudley Dursley: Daddy's gone mad hasn't he?

Professor McGonagall: Albus, do you really think it safe, leaving him with these people? I've watched them all day. They're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are...

Dumbledore: The only family he has.

Professor McGonagall: This boy will be famous. There won't be a child in our world who doesn't know his name.

Dumbledore: Exactly. He's far better off growing up away from all of that. Until he is ready.

Harry: I can't be a-a-a wizard. I mean, I'm just Harry, just Harry.

Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley.

Harry: I'm Harry. Harry Potter.

Ron: So... so it's true! I mean, do you really have the... the...

Harry: The what?

Ron: [in a hushed tone] The scar?

Harry: Oh.

[shows him the scar on his forehead]

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Wicked!

Professor Severus Snape: There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making. However, for those select few...

[stares at Draco Malfoy]

Professor Severus Snape: Who possess, the predisposition... I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death.

[notices Harry scribbling on his paper]

Professor Severus Snape: Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention!

[steps over to Harry]

Professor Severus Snape: Mister Potter. Our new celebrity.

Neville Longbottom: [about his new Remembrall] Only problem is, I can't remember what I've forgotten.

Ron: I think we've had a bad influence on her.

[during the final chess game; Harry looks around at the board]

Harry: Wait a minute!

Ron: You see it, don't you, Harry? Once I make my move, the Queen will take me. Then you're free to check the King.

Harry: No. Ron, NO!

Hermione: What is it?

Harry: He's going to sacrifice himself.

Hermione: No, you can't, there must be another way!

Ron: Do you want to stop Snape from getting that stone or not?

[Hermione looks stunned]

Ron: Harry, it's you that has to go on, I *know* it. Not me, not Hermione, YOU.

[Harry takes a deep breath and nods]

Ron: [after a deep breath] Knight to H3.

[Ron and his horse advance to the next square. Ron breathes deep]

Ron: Check.

[The white Queen turns, advances slowly upon him, then draws her sword and plunges it into his horse, throwing him violently to the ground]

Harry: RON!

[Hermione makes as if to run to him]

Harry: [to Hermione] NO! DON'T MOVE! Don't forget - we're still playing.

[Harry moves three squares diagonally to his left and turns to face the King]

Harry: CHECKMATE.

Dumbledore: It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.

Dumbledore: Only a person who wanted to find the Stone - find it, but not use it - would be able to get it. That is one of my more brilliant ideas. And between you and me, that is saying something.

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Dumbledore: Also, our caretaker, Mr. Filch, has asked me to remind you that the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.

Ron: [Harry and Ron arrive late to Transfiguration, relieved that Professor McGonagall isn't there yet] Whew, made it. Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?

[the cat sitting at the head of the class suddenly transforms into her]

Ron: That was bloody brilliant!

Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch? That way, one of you might be on time.

Harry: We got lost.

Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust you don't need one to find your seats.

Ron: What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?

Hermione: You don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't you see what it was standing on?

Ron: I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads... or maybe you didn't notice? There were three!

[looking at a recently-hatched dragon]

Hagrid: Isn't he beautiful? Oh, bless him! Look! He knows his mummy! Hallo, Norbert!

Harry: Norbert?

Hagrid: Yeah, well, he's gotta have a name, don't he?

Ron: Immortal?

Hermione: It means you'll never die.

Ron: [angry] I know what it means!

Ron: Mental that one, I'm telling you.

[about the Bludgers]

Oliver Wood: Nasty little buggers.

Hagrid: You all right there, Harry? You seem very quiet.

Harry: He killed my parents, didn't he?

[puts a hand to his scar]

Harry: The one who gave me this?

[Hagrid is silent]

Harry: You know, Hagrid. I know you do.

[Hagrid sighs and pushes his bowl aside]

Hagrid: First - and understand this, Harry, 'cause it's very important - not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard that went as bad as you can go, and his name was V-

[sighs]

Hagrid: his name was V...

Harry: Maybe if you wrote it down...

Hagrid: Nah, I can't spell it. Alright

[whispers]

Hagrid: 'Voldemort'

Harry: [loudly] Voldemort?

Hagrid: Shhh! It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone who stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. Nobody... not one... 'cept you.

Harry: Me? Voldemort tried to kill... ME?

Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse, and an evil curse at that.

Harry: What happened to Vol- to You-Know-Who?

Hagrid: Well, some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But one thing's certain, something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry, that's why everybody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.

Voldemort: There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it.

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Harry: You! No, it can't be. Snape, he - he was the...

Professor Quirrel: Yes, he does seem the type, doesn't he? Why, next to him, who would suspect p-p-poor, st-st-stuttering Professor Quirrell?

Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow!

Uncle Vernon: He will not be going, I tell you! We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to all this rubbish!

Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?

Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. My mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. "We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful?" I was the only one to see her for what she was... a freak! And then she met that Potter. And then she had you, and I knew you would be the same. Just as strange, just as... abnormal. And then if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you.

Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!

Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill Lily and James Potter?

Aunt Petunia: We had to say something.

Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!

Uncle Vernon: He'll not be going!

Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?

Dumbledore: Harry, do you know why Professor Quirrell couldn't bear to have you touch him?

[Harry shakes his head]

Dumbledore: It was because of your mother. She sacrificed herself for you, and that kind of act leaves a mark.

[Harry reaches up to touch his scar]

Dumbledore: No, no. This kind of mark cannot be seen. It lives in your very skin.

Harry: What is it?

Dumbledore: Love, Harry. Love.

[after being in the Dark Forest]

Harry: I think if he'd had the chance, he might've tried to kill me tonight.

Ron: And to think, I've been worrying about my potions final.

Professor McGonagall: [to Harry and Ron after beating the Mountain Troll] Five points... will be awarded to each of you.

[Ron and Harry smile at each other]

Professor McGonagall: For sheer dumb luck.

Fred Weasley: Well done, Harry. Wood's just told us.

Ron: Fred and George are on the team, too. Beaters.

George Weasley: Our job is to make sure that you don't get bloodied up too bad. Can't make any promises, of course. Rough game, Quidditch.

Fred Weasley: Brutal, but no one's died in years. Someone will vanish occasionally, but they'll turn up in a month or two!

Professor Severus Snape: What would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside... on a day like this?

Hermione: Uh... well... we... we were just...

Professor Severus Snape: You ought to be careful. People will think you're...

[sees Harry staring at him]

Professor Severus Snape: Up to something.

[Hagrid's sad about Norbert being taken away]

Caretaker Argus Filch: For God's sake, pull yourself together man. You're going into the Forest after all. Got to have your wits about ya...

Draco Malfoy: The Forest? I thought that was a joke. We can't go in there. Students aren't allowed. And there are-

[a howling noise is heard]

Draco Malfoy: ... werewolves.

Caretaker Argus Filch: Oh, there's more than werewolves in those trees, lad. You can be sure of that. Nighty-night.

Harry: Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I might find Platform Nine and Three-Quarters?

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters? Think you're being funny do ya?

[muttering to himself]

Station Guard: Nine and Three-Quarters!

[stepping over Neville lying on the floor, whom Hermione has petrified using the "Petrificus Totalus Curse"]

Harry: Sorry.

Hermione: Sorry.

Ron: It's for your own good, you know.

Ron: I look good!

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Dudley Dursley: [on Dudley's birthday] How many are there?

Uncle Vernon: 36, counted them myself.

Dudley Dursley: 36! But last year, last year I had 37!

Uncle Vernon: Yes, yes, but some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year.

Dudley Dursley: I don't care how big they are!

Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?

Harry: Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. No?

Harry: Please, please. Anything but Slytherin, anything but Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Well if you're sure, better be... GRYFFINDOR!

[Hagrid has just very aggressively knocked down the door where the Dursleys are staying]

Hagrid: [Calmly] Sorry about that

[Picks door up and slams it back in place]

Sorting Hat: Ah! Another Weasley. I know just what to do with you... GRYFFINDOR!

[showing Harry the Golden Snitch]

Harry: I like this ball.

Oliver Wood: Ah, you like it now. Just wait. It's wicked fast, and damn near impossible to see.

Harry: What do I do with it?

Oliver Wood: You catch it, before the other team's seeker. You catch this, the game's over. You catch this, Potter, and we win.

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum.

[he checks the goblet, then tries again]

Seamus Finnigan: Eye of rabbit, harp string hum...

Harry: What's Seamus trying to do to that glass of water?

Ron: Turn it to rum. Actually managed a weak tea yesterday! Before...

[explosion]

Professor McGonagall: Are the rumors true, Albus?

Dumbledore: I'm afraid so, Professor. The good... and the bad.

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two read?

[Hagrid tells Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco to split into pairs and search the Dark Forest]

Draco Malfoy: Okay. Then I get Fang!

Hagrid: Fine. Just so you know, he's a bloody coward.

[after seeing Ron's queen destroy Harry's knight]

Hermione: That's totally barbaric!

Ron: That's wizard's chess.

Harry: Say, Percy, who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?

Percy Weasley: Oh, that's Professor Snape, head of Slytherin House.

Harry: What's he teach?

Percy Weasley: Potions. But everyone knows it's the Dark Arts he fancies. He's been after Quirrell's job for *years*.

Draco Malfoy: You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Potter. You don't wanna go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.

[he holds out his hand, which Harry doesn't take]

Harry: I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks.

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello! How are you? Welcome to Gryffindor!

Seamus Finnigan: [in Charms class] Wingardium Leviosa. Wingard...

[BOOM]

Harry: [to Professor Flitwick] I think we're going to need another feather over here, Professor.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Professor Snape: [taps the blank Marauder's Map with his wand] Reveal your secrets. [writing appears on the map]

Professor Snape: Read it.

Harry: "Messrs. Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, offer their compliments to Professor Snape and... "

Professor Snape: Go on.

Harry: "... and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."

Hermione: [after Hagrid gives Ron Scabbers back] I think you owe someone an apology.

Ron: Right. Next time I see Crookshanks, I'll let him know.

Hermione: [annoyed] I meant me!

Ron: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders... the spiders... they want me to tap-dance. And I don't want to tap-dance!

Harry: You tell those spiders, Ron.

Ron: Yeah, tell them... I'll tell them...

[falls straight back asleep]

Harry: What's the hold-up?

Ron: Probably Neville's forgotten the password again.

Neville Longbottom: [behind them] Hey!

Ron: Oh... You're there...

Ron: I didn't mean to open it. [pause]

Ron: It was badly wrapped. [pause]

Ron: [points at Fred and George] They made me do it!

George Weasley, Fred Weasley: Did not!

Professor Lupin: Now repeat after me - without wands please - repeat after me, Riddikulus.

Class: Riddikulus!

Professor Lupin: Very good. A little louder please, and very clearly. Rid-di-kulus.

Class: Riddikulus!

Malfoy: [under his breath] This class is ridiculous.

Professor Trelawney: Your aura is pulsing! Are you in the beyond? I think you are!

Ron: Sure...

Professor Trelawney: Look at the cup, tell me what you see!

Ron: Oh yeah... well, Harry's got a sort of wonky cross... that's trials and suffering. And, uh, that there could be the sun, and that's happiness, so... you're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it...

Ron: Who do you think that is?

Hermione: Professor R. J. Lupin.

Ron: Do you know everything?

[to Harry]

Ron: How is it she knows everything?

Hermione: [annoyed] It's on his suitcase, Ronald.

Ron: Oh.