Hi! OK so I know my stories suck a little but hey, I don't really care! Check out my other story that is way better than these. Its called Never Thought He'd Love Me. Thank you and goodbye!

A stranger stabs you in the front

A friend stabs you in the back

A boyfriend stabs your heart

Best Friends only poke each other with straws

A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

They say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, I'm pretty sure the guns help because if you stood there and shouted 'BANG' I don't think you'd kill a lot of people.

Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

Of course I'm talking to myself who else can I trust?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Friends are God's apology for our families

In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

The power of imagination makes us infinite

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

Never Start A Fight...But Always Finish It

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

If I had something good to say, I would have already said it.

Employee of the month is a good example of how someone can be both a winner and a looser at the same time.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

If you get a low enough SAT score, you should be able to park in the handicap space.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

That, my children, is called a wall. But beware the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before.

Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I do not deny everything.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

Love me or hate me personally I could care less.

Unless you've lived my life, don't judge me because you don't know, never have & never will know every little thing & detail about me

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Girls are like phones, we love to be held, and talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over

"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?" ~ Anonymous

"We just bought a new house. My husband calls it a 'fixer'upper.' I call it a piece of crap." ~ Anonymous

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself! It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE then it's weird!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

FRIENDS Vs. BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Oh but that saves so much time!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be...)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with head colds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(And I'm taking this why?)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what? No doors?)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Captain Obvious strikes again)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep-- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns

"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet, they won't bother you for weeks.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

"Life is short" What? Name one thing you do that is longer than life.

Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

"I've learned

that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
– Maya Angelou

"In the end, We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

"Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"

They laugh because I'm different...I laugh because they're the same.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

If your heart was really broken...you'd be dead so shut up.

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

BE nice to losers. One day they might be cool!

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

13 things PMS Stands for:

13. Pass My Shotgun
12. Psychotic Mood Swing
11. Perpetual MunchingSpree
10. Puffy Mid-Section
9. People Make me Sick
8. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
6. Pimples May Surface
5. Pass My Sweats
4. Pissy Mood Syndrome
3. Poor Men Suck
2. Pack My Stuff
1. Potential Murder Suspect

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

Education is important, school however, is another matter.