Rule # 1 of fanfiction: If you're as amazing a writer as you seem to think you are, you wouldn't be writing fanfiction.

Rule # 2 of fanfiction: Stop encouraging the bad writers.

If you are reading this I can only guess what reasons you might have for doing so. For that, I have listed down some of the possible reasons:

--1. I have left you a review that you've found either unpleasant or downright offensive.

If that is the case, you probably deserved it. I only ever show complete arse-hattery to a fic I happen to stumble upon that goes beyond the accepted definition of 'pants-on-head retarded'. Then again, I never outright flame a fic by saying how crucially incompetent it is in the face of all literary work and how the author needs to surgically remove his/her fingers with a pair of pliers for the betterment of all mankind (Okay, so I've done this once -once! But only because he terribly deserved it.). I can only reason that you've only taken offense because you believe I was insulting you directly. It is my assurance that I would never personally review with the intent of belittling you under the condition that you are a reasonably mature human being with a basic mastery of English literacy.

If it's in your intention to prove me wrong, kindly make a logical, convincing, and well-written argument. I will respond in kind when I find that it is clear that you are a being of intelligence as shown by the effort you've placed in spelling, articulation, and forming rational statements. However, if you send me a private message or reply to my reviews with obvious anger, indignance, and/or ignorance, evident in the way that you've placed more exclamation marks than commas, periods, or any other form of punctuation, or the way you tactlessly drawl on how you were not asking for any criticism (then why in the Lord's name are you posting it on the Internet?), yet take encouraging and unfounded praises like candy, or even state how I have no right to criticize your work, and that I should gargle arsenic and die, for clearly I am an abject arse with no regard for the feelings or opinions of my fellow man, then I'll simply asseverate your apparent cleverness for being able to use a keyboard, much less form words, at your level of wit, you silly little simian.

--2. I have left you a review that you've found rather critical.

It's hard to say if you really deserved that one. I'm a difficult man to please (evident in the way my love-life is sh-t), so don't be too surprised when I point out every little nitpick that I find. I often come off as condescending to most, which is understandable given the way I review, but I do this to make an impression (and more often than not, it works). The goal is to either motivate you to improve or to stop you from writing altogether, and, depending on the quality of your work, I might lean more towards one or the other.

I do understand that no one writer can please everyone. The least I would expect from a story is spotless perfection. What I look forward to seeing is some damn bloody effort in the form of comprehensible writing, developed plot, and well-captured characters. If you're totally incapable or cannot be arsed to do any of them then you have no business writing.

--3. I have left you a review that you've found heartwarming and inspiring.

It wasn't me. There's a woman in my head that has this vicious compulsion to force me to display what little affection I have against my will. Her name is Vierra, and she's a malicious, conniving tart. Do not listen to her.

--4. I have elicited your interest through my reviews of other people's stories.

If you enjoy the way I review, then it's all well and good. If you find them offensive, then it's best that you ignore them as they aren't even directed at you. If you want to complain about my method of criticizing, please direct all your concerns at buggeroffyoudamnablehellions@yourmother.com.

--5. I have elicited your interest in some other way.

I'm twenty-eight years old, single, a quarter-British, and not so available anymore.

- "If you believe that 'copy and paste this into your profile's are not in fact a hypocritical/satirical way of expressing one's heavily apparent need for conformity despite its claims for 'non-conformity', 'being a unique individual', and 'I totally don't do drugs because I'm a shining beacon of rainbows, cupcakes, and puppies', please fall in a ditch and die. (please don't copy and paste this into your profile)" - Rantman Mk. IX on the 'copy and paste this into your profile' meme

- "If I had my way on FFNet, the 'Twilight' section will be taken out, burned for good measure, and replaced with an infinitely more compelling book that is not fawned over by fanatical shut-ins that have no grasp on the concept of reality (which is every other book not written by Stephenie Meyer). I'd also make sure that no two stories can have the same title (if I read so much as one more "The New Student/Wizard/Shinigami/Vampire/Contractor/Plumber" I will drill my head through my desk until the splinters in my brain sever all feeling in my body). Finally, I will create a clever diagram to measure the 'originality' of all OC fic submissions and all OCs that do not meet its minimum requirements will be utterly rejected." - Rantman Mk. IX on how FFNet would be a thousand times better if it weren't populated by idiots

- "What I hate more than Suefics are the people that think they're a miracle of literacy. They deserve as much of a reality check as the Suethor him/herself." - Rantman Mk. IX on how Suefics get an ungodly amount of hose-sucking praise for completely idiotic reasons