In a galaxy very, very, VERY, fucking far away… The year is 2806, and humanity has long left the loving embrace of their planet. The Gibson race have been struggling to defeat the mighty Clockwerk species, a warmongering alien race who has come to destroy them, many thought that an era of peace and prosperity was to come eventually…..until Ryan Skywalker came to “save the day” and fucked everything up. Earth was lost in the war, and humanity was divided. 5 radical years later Ryan awakens from a shitty day of fire and despair everywhere around him and realizes he was awoken by his mentor, Ghetto Master Yoda. Ghetto Master Yoda: Get the fuck up, Simon says! Ryan: What’s the point? I already caused enough trouble around here as it is! Ghetto Master Yoda: Cut a bitch, I will! Ryan springs out of bed as quick as he can to avoid being killed by his mentor. Ryan: Alright, shit. You don’t have to be such a fucking asshole! Ghetto Master Yoda: Your dick, you will bring me. Ryan building up anger inside. Ryan: It’s 8 in the fucking morning! I don’t need this right now! Ghetto Master Yoda: Bitching you will not, fuck you must. Ryan: I’m not even hard. Ghetto Master Yoda: Size matters not. 3 hours later Ryan’s ass now drowned in Ghetto Master Yoda’s cum, his mentor says vital information to him. Ghetto Master Yoda: You must defeat the Clockerks leader in order to end this war that you caused. Ryan: When the fuck did you start talking like that? Ghetto Master Yoda: Wat? Ryan: Nevermind, who is their leader? Ghetto Master Yoda: I don’t fucking know. Ryan: Then what the fuck was the point of that? Ghetto Master Yoda: Speak with Jar Jar Brink and Chodebaka you must, answers they have. Ryan: Do you have any great advice incase I never come back? With Ghetto Master Yoda’s last breath with a blunt in his hand, he says something Ryan will never forget. Ghetto Master Yoda: Fear leads to anger...anger leads to stress...stress leads to doobies...and doobies lead to twinkies. Ghetto Master Yoda falls face first to the ground with the blunt still in his hand. And Ryan takes off to meet with the others! Ryan: Aye, Ghetto Master Yoda said that you had information that I need. Jar Jar Brink; Fuck off. Chodebaka is too distracted on his yummy dildo to notice Ryan* Ryan: Well this was fucking pointless! Ryan then seeks answers from R2-FU. R2-FU: Hey Ryan! What’s up? Ryan: Dude, I need to know how to get to the Clockwerks leader and who he is. R2-FU: Oh, I’d love to tell you, but I’m only a robot. Ryan: What? R2-FU: *robot noise* Ryan: Fuck this. Ryan only has 2 more people to go to for answers. He goes to Han Cholo’s apartment for answers. Han Cholo: What do you need? Ryan:I’m looking for the Clockwerk’s leader, know anything? Han Cholo: No, but I do know a very nice homosexual across the street, I might fuck him tonight, I don’t yet. Ryan: That’s not really what I’m asking for… Han Cholo: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were so fucking popular, you wanna fuck me instead world destroyer? Han Cholo turns around, bends over, and pulls down his pants. Han Cholo: Go ahead! Fuck me just like you did to humanity! Ryan: I’m looking for answers, not sex! Han Cholo: Then I don’t fucking care! Han Cholo slams the door in front of him. Ryan: What the fuck am I supposed to do now?! Ryan quickly remembers an old friend while his boner rises in excitement and he rushes over. Ryan now at the strip club finds his old friend, Obi-Wan Jabronie. Ryan: I knew I’d find you here! Obi-Wan Jabronie: Well if it isn’t the world destroyer haha! It’s been centuries! Ryan: I’d love to catch up more and fuck you later but I need to know who the leader is for the Clockwerk species. Obi-Wan Jabronie: Oh, you don’t wanna do know. Ryan: Wait, why not? Obi-Wan Jabronie: The man destroys anuses before you know it. Ryan: I need to know! Obi-Wan Jabronie: He’s up on Meme Mountain just 25 million miles away. Ryan: Cool, do you know his name? Obi-Wan Jabronie looks around the strip club making sure no one is listening and whispers in Ryan’s ear. Obi-Wan Jabronie: His name is Dank Vader. Ryan: Thank you, I’ll be back to fuck that ass later. Ryan and Obi-Wan Jabronie exchange a wink with one another and Ryan rushes to Meme Mountain. 20 hours later Ryan now with an erect lightboner, he thrashes and slices through all of Dank Vader’s Clockerk minions and eventually makes it Dank Vader’s lair and knocks the door down. Ryan: Finally. we meet motherfucker! With 2 minutes of silence Dank Vader says in a proud but slightly gay voice. Dank Vader: So, you’ve come to defeat me, huh? Ryan: That’s right! Dank Vader: And you’ve come prepared with an erect lightboner, hmm? Not as big as mine. Dank Vader unleashes his unique black lightboner almost long enough to touch Ryan’s face across the room. Dank Vader: You can walk away now with that sweet booty of yours, or let your anus parish. Ryan: Never, you will not make our people suffer any longer! Ryan and Dank Vader clash each other with their lightboners, Ryan finds an opening and swings his lightboner across Dank Vader’s face, almost stunning him. Dank Vader then retaliates and impacts Ryan’s stomach with his lightboner, Ryan pukes but continues the fight for humanity, Dank Vader finds an opening and sticks his lightboner up Ryan’s anus coming out of Ryan’s mouth with cum spewing out of his mouth, almost replicating a fountain, Ryan now with anger remembers Ghetto Master Yoda’s last words to him, “Fear leads to anger...anger leads to stress...stress leads to doobies...and doobies lead to twinkies.” And with that, Ryan Kami Kami Haw’s Dank Vader to his ultimate death. Ryan: I...I won, I saved the planet. 1 year later Obi-Wan Jabronie speaks to the public of Ryan’s heroic duty. Obi-Wan Jabronie: And on this day we celebrate why we are no longer in control by Dank Vader and his Clockwerk minions. Crowd: Hip hip hooray! Obi-Wan Jabronie: So what do you think Ghetto Master Yoda would say to you today? Ryan: Whatever it is, I’m sure he’d be proud of me. Up in Star Ryan Heaven. Spirit Ghetto Master Yoda: Faggot, he is. Obi-Wan Jabronie: What are you going to do now? Ryan: I’m gonna play some Dota 2! As Ryan smiles and heads to his computer a bright yellow light flashes on Ryan, he is then teleported onto Earth with a note in his hand that says… “Soon...you and 6 others will collab and make a super hot mixtape only AFTER you all work together and defeat THE ONE. Ryan now puzzled and thinking this is some kind of Avengers shit and waits patiently and plays Dota 2 while his team mates arrive. TO BE CONTINUED… (aka Trent’s ark of the story) |