he once asked me "what's the hardest feeling"
easy . reaching out for you love and being met with nothing . love stares back at you with nothing . that's the only way to describe it . nothing . you're scared shitless . you love them so much . you hold them above all else . so they can't be at fault ; it's your fault . you know you're the problem because that's what you've been told over and over . you must be the problem because everyone else loves so easily . it's only when you're in the equation is there a problem . it's your fault they can't love you . you have to fix it . you have to do better . combine all the human lives on this planet and none have said sorry more than I have . people learn they're unlovable the same way they learn anything . listening . seeing . experiencing . positive reinforcement . and it's so hard to unlearn . i mean . . . I won't believe someone who tells me the sky isn't blue when that's what I've been taught . I won't believe it when that's the color I see when I look up . it would take a long time to relearn love . so instead you do what's easy and what's safe to survive. you try your best to hide parts of yourself. you don't hope for anything from anyone; except to be needed . to be useful . you say sorry over and over and over . you do everything you can to avoid someone looking at you like you're nothing . you either bury your anger . . . or you find an outlet . you share everything you have. every offering is a silent plea not to leave you . and if none works or you feel like nothing again you escape . and you shrink away from love . because it's better to be alone than to be nothing