'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to
read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.

What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think

Fun-to-Reads

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

(I added 51-55)

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination even though they're just as effective

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand

11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards or Yu-Gi-Oh cards and convince him they're real animals

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive ( The Gryffindors will win!)

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways

28) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

30) I will not go to class skyclad

31) I will not use Umbridge's quiz to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion

35) I will not call the Weasly twins "bookends"

36) I will not call the Patil twins "bookends"

37) I will not call the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearning an orange anorak

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronous

43) I will not lick Trevor

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey"

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God

51) I am not allowed to call Cedric Diggery Edward Cullen by "accident"

52) I am not able to go running around screaming: I saw Harry cutting in the girls bathroom!

53) I'm banned from teaming up against the 1st years with Peeves.

54) Telling people that Cedric turned into a 1918 vampire will get me suspended.

55) I can't call Professer McGonnagal a cougar.

FRIENDS vs. BEST FRIENDS

(revised by yours truly)

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one who laugh as you go over their ankle.

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!" then throw you a used hankie.

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you then say "Oops, my bad!"

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beeping - run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will talk to you when you're in jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Will talk the coppers to let you go before you're even in the cell.

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DANG! You messed up!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you!

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "LUCY, I'M HOME!"

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS: Would read & ignore this.

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap!

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FREINDS: Don't know when its time to just "let it go"

BEST FREINDS: Know exactly how long it will take you to spontaneusley combust and do it any way

You're a 90's kid if:

You can finish this 'ice ice _'
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.
when everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.
"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
You remember Ring Pops.
You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet. And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
Michael Jordan was a king.
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Carebears
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
You remember a time before the WB.
You collected all the Troll dolls
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . nough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it?!"
You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!
You remember Highlight's magazine.
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was The new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
When gameboy was a brick.
You did MASH to figure out your future
Way back.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!
Post this in your profile if you remember these days . . . .
or if you smiled at one of these things

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next
week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Here's a bunch of ifs and stuff to paste in. So copy and paste this to your profile:

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If someone ever told you to stop cussing or else they'll make you eat soap copy and paste this to your profile.

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your profile

If you ever fell off a chair back wards copy this into your profile

If you're a person who acts friendly, but has an evil mind and is planning to dominate the world, copy this to your profile.( I act friendly but have an evil mind MUAHHAHA)(I'm joking or am I?)(Nope, not at all (sacasm))

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile

If you love the rain, copy this to your profile. (I would like to look at the rain, dreaming)

If your obsessed with fan fiction, copy this to your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you read New Moon and Eclipse and I wanted to kick Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD past this in your profile.

If you are writing a book, copy this into your profile

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix,Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Triggonseed, The Only Innocent Writer Here-Yumi, EstellaB, NarnianMelody, tookieclothespen, bellabookworm9, GoodyGoody23, EdwardIsMyLover, FreakyTwilightLovero, Vampires_Rock,cullendrive, AlexandraCullen, Myself4994, BerryEbilBunny,READREADREAD2080

92 percent of American teens would die if Ambercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breath. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing their heads off!

If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy this into ya profile.

If you have ever dreamed or imagined being a vampire or a werewolf, put this in your profile.

If you truly believe, there is an Edward Cullen somewhere for you (Doesn't mean his name has to be Edward Cullen), copy this into your profile.( if you are undecided like me copy and paste this on the end)

If you are a teenager, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you listen to alternative rock, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think your insane because you say so, copy and pate this into your profile.

If you think being random is screaming out common household objects, animals and foods, copy and pate this into your profile.

If you want people to believe you don’t care how they feel about you, copy and paste this into your profile.

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile

If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you would walk 1,000 miles to see the person you love for 5 minutes, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have ever copy and pasted something to your profile, copy and paste this to your profile

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

I do not do drugs. I do sugar. If you're someone who does sugar, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever burned any sort of food in the microwave, oven, toaster, or on the stove, copy this into your profile.

If you’ve ever made faces in front of a security camera then paste this in your profile

If you have ever said something and two seconds later, completely forgot, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you get bored easily, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you would kill to have wings, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever tried to grow wings, copy and paste this too.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile

If you think 'morning people' should be driven off the face of the planet so they spread their 6-AM cheer to Martians, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you ran up a down escalator copy this into your profile!

Put this into your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep had the same tune, and were all composed by Mozart.

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy this into your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If most of these apply to you, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you love your country, copy and paste this to your profile then praise your country