Just out of curiosity, does anyone at all find it ironic that Rowling's method of taming a hippogriff is exactly the same as bowing to a highland sword dancer?

tl;dr profile:

I'm a late generation-x eternal student. Really, I think I'm trapped in my university's Lit department. The long and short of it is that I'm a very, very good reader and a stuffy, pretentious, boring writer. Pleased to make your acquaintance, on with the profile stuff.

Siggy: by Mr. Ragtop (since deleted)

Author's Note:
This is a hobbyist fan-fiction, not a doctoral thesis. People over-analyzing it will waste their time and annoy the monkey (that's me).
Enjoy the half-full glass.

From The Strange Disappearance of SallyAnne Perks, by Paimpont:

Dumbledore smiled. "Of course he is, Miss Granger. Fawkes has experienced this many times before. At least I think he has... I suppose only a philosopher could determine whether I am the owner of one long-lived but combustible bird, or a series of four hundred identical phoenixes who carry with them the recollection of the birds who have gone before..."

From Harry amidst the Vaults of Stone, by NothingPretentious

"In second place for Europe would be Vlad the Impaler, a sorcerer who used human murders – sacrifices – to keep himself alive for four hundred years. Some of those centuries he spent taking feral wampyrs from Russia and blood-sucking butternut squash from Austria, and breeding them into the deadly modern vampires."

From Veritas Oracle, by BajaB

"The truth," laughed Harry humourlessly as caught the little bottle. "I am pretty much sick of the truth."

"It is a precious thing, not one to be despised or wasted."

"It's an angry witch with a broomstick, waiting to hit you on the back of the head when you're not ready," countered Harry.

"That too," agreed the Headmaster.

From An Old and New World, by Lens of Sanity

"She had attempted to get him to show up at detentions following the one and only class Harry had attended, but due to his policy of not going to them she had been left disappointed so far. She had even appealed to Headmaster Dumbledore, who had told her that Harry rarely bothers going to class let alone detentions and then proceeded to vanish in a flash of Phoenix fire before she could ask any more questions."

From Tsunade's Heir, by funkmasterjo

"You're going to try." Tsunade explained. "You're going to throw yourselves in front of this door because you know that if I get out, you won't be able to follow me. This is our ancestral home, imbued with more power than your puny existences have ever dreamed of, and it won't let you leave. So you'll line up nice and neat to keep me away from that door. And then," Tsunade leaned in as if to share a secret, "I'm going to walk through you."

From Harry Potter and the Temporal Beacon, by Willyolioleo

"No, blibbering humdingers. I'm really interested in what they tell you," Hermione said.

"They tell me how to find interesting things," she answered. "Last June they told me to follow the wrackspurts and I found you two under an invisibility cloak. And then they told me to go search for crumple-horned snorkacks in the home of plunderers so my father and I went to Norway. Next time we're going try looking in the Department of Magical Finance and Taxation."

From Harry Potter and the Temporal Beacon, by Willyolioleo

"He was using his off-hand for the entire duel," Dumbledore said. "Perhaps you should give him more credit."

"Non! Just like last time, 'e uses barely-legal attacks against Fleur. If 'is left 'and were ze weaker one, why would 'e not use 'is right instead of cheating?"

"That was merely a mistake," Dumbledore sighed, but she raised a detail he had nearly forgotten until today. He assumed Harry's left hand was his weaker one; but the boy showed a massive increase in skill despite the fact- or, maybe, because of it. Tom Riddle was always right handed-was the mysterious power that of a southpaw? Ridiculous, he told himself…

From the profile of Crowlows19

"Indifference: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile but it takes none to just sit there with a dumb look on your face."

From In a Barroom Far Far Away, by Nemo Blank

Pete grinned and poured. "Look, you guys got them laser swords and can block blaster bolts and all, but why don't people just use grenades or shotguns?"

Anakin laughed. "Jedi listen to the force, Pete. The force always tells us to run away like hell from grenades and shotguns."

"Always listen to the force you should. Wise indeed are the ways of the force."

Anakin sprayed his mouthful of liquor. "Master Yoda!" He poked his head over and looked incredulously down at the sodden lump on the floor behind the bar.

"Tells me to drink, the force does, mmmmm? The ceiling to spin, it makes." Yoda's eyes were looking in different directions.

"Is this your frog?" Pete frowned, rubbing Bantha Piss out of his eyes. "He drank a gallon of Spacer's Ruin and I can't get him to leave."

From Summoned by esama

Albus hurriedly jumped back as the younger wizard almost thrust the squirming devil at his face. He coughed awkwardly and then smiled. "Might, uh… might the healer Harry be around?" he asked carefully, as he didn't thing he could deal with this warrior without a gentler buffer in between.

"I am the healer!" the young man almost roared, ignoring how Albus jumped as he took the cage Kreacher had brought, and shoved the devil inside it. After shoving an uncorked bottle of Odgen's finest Firewhiskey right after it, he hung the cage into a clothes rack, and turned back to Dumbledore. "Now," he said in calm tone that rather sounded like great predator growling under its breath. "Again. Was there something you wanted headmaster?"

"A-are the other two here?" Albus asked nervously, looking between the deranged devil, the deranged house elf, and the absolutely bat shit insane healer.

"No, they are unfortunately out at the moment. Would you like for me to take a note for them? Just let me get my parchment and quill," the healer hissed through his teeth, but didn't make a move to actually get anything.

"M-maybe I should come back l-later?" Albus offered carefully, already edging towards the door.

"Yes, maybe you should. Wonderful idea. I'll tell the two lunatics you stopped by," the healer promised, and the moment his eyes shifted towards the door leading to the basement, Albus listened to his more primitive survival instincts and ran like hell.

From A Black Comedy, by nonjon

"It was like Fate herself was slapping her knee, pointing, and begging, 'Do it again! Do it again!'"

From The Unsuspecting Side of the Force, by Tsu Doh Nimh

Maul realised that without his stick, the human was defenceless against him. Confidence returned with a rush, and he drew back his hand once more, preparing to cripple the young man.

The Force violently erupted around him.

Nothing he had ever experienced prepared him for the aberrant rush. He stiffened as hard as duracrete as he was crushed, pulled, stretched and tormented. The Force wept pitifully at the abuse. Only Maul's inhumanly strong discipline kept him from following suit.

From The Pride of Sunnydale, by The Saint of Killers

"I love you Willow. You're a great friend."

"Aww, how cute!" snarled a rough voice. Xander and Willow spun around to face a blonde vampire wearing a business suit.

"Vampire!" yelled Willow in fear.

"Vampire!" exclaimed Xander in pleased realization.

"What?" asked the vampire, confused at the obvious signs of joy on Xander's face.

"Yes! Have at thee!" yelled Xander in joy as he threw his ice cream cone into the vampire's face. The cone smashed into the vampires face, momentarily blinding him.

"Ah, what the fuck!" the vampire screamed as he struggled to wipe the ice cream from his face. He cleared the ice cream from his eyes in time to see a palm enclose his vision.

From A Whole New World, by Oxnate

Giles explained. "But the entire council operates on a very small budget. Even the full time employees such as myself must either take an additional job or have a partner with a job in order to make ends meet. It makes recruiting rather difficult. 'Would you like to join a life of poverty and boredom occasionally interrupted by stark, raving terror?' Makes a poor recruiting poster."

From Gods of Dark and Light, by Darth Marrs

"I am Jedi. I've gone weeks without sleep."

"I am an Imperial guardsman. So have I."

From A Personal Matter, by Orodruin

"I insist you go to Hogwarts, Harii-kun," the Hokage said, "We'll treat it as a mission."

The Genin frowned moodily, "Fine… how long do I have to go for?"

"Oh, it's not long at all," the Sandaime assured him, "Nine and a half months out of the year for seven years—that's not so bad."

Harry gaped at the man incredulously, "Seven years?!"

"Well… there are an awful lot of swishy motions you need to learn to make, Harii," the Hokage reasoned.

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi started unhappily, "Seven years is kind of extreme, isn't it? If he stayed here, he could already become a Jounin in that time."

"True…" The Hokage agreed reluctantly, "But if he goes to Hogwarts he will learn about magic. No one else in the Shinobi Countries knows about magic."

"But for seven years?!" Harry exclaimed, "What kind of magic will I be learning?"

"Very useful stuff," the Hokage assured him, "Things like… washing dishes and transporting from one place to another instantaneously."

"… You mean sort of like the Body Flicker Technique?" Kakashi asked dryly.

"Sort of," the Hokage agreed, "But with a loud pop instead of smoke."

"…" The two Hatake brothers exchanged dry looks.

From The Truth Decays, by Marz1

Maito Gai had sent Ibiki a note saying something about how the boy "having obviously suffered greatly for the benefit of a Konoha shinobi, should be spared further dampening to the fires of his youth." The note had gone on for three more paragraphs about fires, tsunamis, and something that may or may not have been a haiku about a protein-rich diet. Ibiki interpreted the note as a request to go easy on the kid.

From Vulpine, by Saphroneth

Neji spun into the Hyuuga ultimate defence, the Kaiten, shedding the incoming attack and popping the clones.

Naruto bit his thumb and slapped it on the ground. "Summoning: death from below!"

With a grinding roar, an enormous pair of jaws burst from the ground around his opponent and closed around Neji in his entirety, before disappearing back into the ground.

The proctor blinked. "Is… is he dead?"

Naruto shook his head. "Give it a minute."

The great red maw burst from the ground again, and its' eyes crossed.

With a ptui sound, Neji was spat out of the fox's mouth before it dispersed, and began shivering in place.

Genma walked over to the Branch Hyuuga. "Are you…okay?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

I'm not going to post it, because it's only a little over a hundred words long. But check out Old Ben, by Lucilla. Worth a look and a laugh.

From Harry Potter and the Natural 20, by Sir Poley

""Oh, my gods." Milo had never been so scared in his life. "Detect Magic," he murmured quietly. Just like the broomstick earlier, there was no response. Either the wands were somehow hiding their magical auras, which was possible, or McGonagall had left him alone with a madman who could recognize the blood of kittens by taste and butchered dragons for their heartstrings."

From Uchiha Fukurou, by ToBetasered

"There was a sort of awkward bemusement now when most looked at him, the odd bird Uchiha that lived in the woods. Fukurou didn't mind, fielding strange looks from people who thought him crazy was old hat to Harry Potter."

From Ninja Who Lived, by 88mph

"How is it you have such fires of youth and also a hip attitude? You cannot have both! Now call me nii-san, for I have vowed to take away your loneliness!" Gai bellowed.

From Paying A Compliment, by firefly

"You know why people avoid you? Deidara had once asked him while nodding sagely. It's not because you're ugly, Kakuzu no danna, not at all. It's because you're scary as fuck, un."

From The Telling Tale, by Tsu Doh Nimh

"He gave me an artful expression of mourning, one hand on his heart. 'Indeed. The poor man fell down one of the many, many staircases late one evening. His neck broke. Such is an occupational hazard when one habitually wears top-heavy armour and lives in a tower'."

From And the Meek Shall Inherit the Galaxy, by Full-Paragon

"That's goddam classified and you know it Veskar. I'll tell you later."

-Zaeed Messani

From Harry Potter and the Invincible Technomage by Clell65619
"Never underestimate the power of a good hat"

From Lacking and Anchor by dogbertcarrol

"I specialize in bending rules over and violating their spirit"

From Dr1ft3r0l's beta profile:

"do NOT just give me straight up citrus. I will not make juice from whatever twisted fruit you grew."

I may get around to writing something to post up here... someday. You'll have to bear with me as I'm mostly only good at writing essays and literary criticisms.

Update:
What do you know? I posted something. Comments welcome--please help me improve my pretentious essay-ish writing style.

What I dislike in fanfic:

An author page with over seventy of these "things I dislike about fanfic." If I'm reading your page, I just find it depressing to see so many "and another thing I hate is" paragraphs. Mebbé that's a little too specific but it is a thing I really, really dislike.

Bad grammar/spelling: I'm not talking about an error here or there, but if a writer doesn't stop to run spell check, or if they're incapable of stringing words together in logical sentences they should at least have the courtesy of getting an editor.

Characters out-of-the-blue being members of the opposite gender: I know, this is fanfic, and its greatest strength is that anything an author imagines can happen in whatever universe they write in, but most of these stories make me cringe. The issue isn't that they're too AU or their characters (male, female, or other) are too OOC, it's that the writers don't know how to get from cannon to their stories; so they tend to write things like "and guess what, she was actually a man all along" just so the characters in question will fit with their plots. I'm fine with character X being female, but tell me why, otherwise you make no sense whatsoever.

Repeated use of temporal adverbs: when an author feels the need to just keep piling on the adverbs. For instance: "he would forever think always about his friends undendingly."

Characters who gain the powers of the universe in one fell swoop without plausible explanation: like when Harry Potter, for instance, decides to study more and by the end of his first year (without major modification to his actual, physical makeup) he's more powerful than an average 7th-year, or even 5th-year (let alone more powerful than the great actors in the series, Dumbledore and Voldemort). I'm ok with a character gaining massive power, and I'm even ok with the bad-writing-stereotype of a character gaining massive power immediately, I just want to know how. For every change an author makes to the universe he writes in he should draw a line back to reality (or 'cannon,' in this case). That way he makes actual sense.