Warning you in advance, I'm in ninth grade, so sorry if my writing's bad. That is all I will say 'cause you know. Stranger danger and all that fun stuff.

Updated May 2019

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! Tahts so cool!
If you could read that, paste this to your profile

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere)

On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions: "Put on fork and eat." (...I thought you used a spoon...)

On a can of bug spray:“Harmful to bees”. (I thought I was harmful to ants)

On a life-saving device: “This is not a life-saving device”. (Note to self, don't buy from this company)

On a TV remote control: “Not dish washer safe”. (So that's why it won't work anymore...)

A New Zealand insect spray "Not tested on animals." (Obviously.. you tested it on insects, duh!)

A Television Owner’s Manual "Do not pour liquids into your television set." (People really get paid for writing this??)

A VCR box says "Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included." (How can you watch it????!!!!!)

A can of self-defense pepper spray "May irritate eyes." (Really???)

A can of windscreen de-icing spray "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures." (That helps a lot)

A cardboard sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard "Do not drive with sunshield in place." (Well, that explains a lot.)

A cartridge for a laser printer "Do not eat toner." (Awww... but it tastes good)

A computer mouse "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." (Where did they get that idea...)

A dishwasher carries this warning "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." (Oh...Sorry kids can't play in there anymore...)

A popular manufactured fireplace log "Caution - Risk of Fire." (What's it supposed to do...play music?)

A rubber ball toy "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." (Isn't that why I'm buying it?)

A sharpening stone "Knives are sharp." (You don't say!)

A snowblower warns "Do not use snowthrower on roof." (And how exactly am I supposed to get a snowthrower on the roof?)

A baby stroller "Remove child before folding." (Oh. Better go get little Bobby out...)

A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." (Aww, man.)

An electric router made for carpenters "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." (Shoot. There goes my quick fix to this cavity.)

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks." (Okay... then how am I suppose to use it?)

A rock garden "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." (Ah.)

A Fruit Roll-Up snack "Remove plastic before eating." (That's why it doesn't taste good...)

On a bag of Marshmellows: "Flammable" (Really? I thought they were fire resistant...oops...)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD

An old key won't open new doors

The way to be safe is never to be secure- Ben Franklin

If you give up liberty for safety, you deserve neither- Ben Franklin

If there must be trouble let it be in my day that my child may have peace- Thomas JEfferson

We're perfect for each other; you don't trust anyone and I trust too much-LGJ

You can't take wishes to the bank