Many years ago, when I was a student at art college, a friend of mine turned around to me and said, "Ya know Kes? Years from now, I can just picture you sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, writing novels!" I laughed at her and slam-dunked yet another tequila.

Bugger me if she wasn't right, ya know...

(A voice off camera) "Whisper! Whisper, whisper!" What? Profile? Seriously? For the love of God, why? Waddya mean, my public expects it? What's all this 'my public' crap? Since when has the public belonged to me and since when have I have some kind of mythical commitment to inform them of every aspect of my less than interesting life? Also... Why are you holding that gun?

Oh, al-right then!

This bio is being written under duress and in an "Al Q'eda" YouTube video kinda way...

Kes Cross was born in the East End of London, England and is still not dead yet. How's that? Waddya mean, no? I hate agents...

I'm a professional writer and editor, a qualified Aromatherapist and masseuse, screenplay writer, Biker, um, artist and remarkably, quite a good welder. I ride a Kawasaki Z1100 chop and a British Army Armstrong MT500 psycho-bitch bike from Hell, am five foot 8 and, thanks to years of swimming, some very serious martial arts training in Aikido and Krav Maga (two black belts and one hell of a collection of bruises, dislocations and "Ooo! That's gonna hurt in the morning"'s) and regular free weights workouts, I'm built like a brick sh!thouse. Consequently, I look utterly ridiculous in a dress (a bit like a linebacker in drag) and spend most of my time in jeans and tee-shirts. I have green eyes, short red hair and a very healthy (Oh, al-right AJ, sheesh!) earthy sense of humour. I've spent some time as part of the legendary Dooby Gang on the IMDb Supernatural board (BIG UP, guys!) and am now lurking like a dark, lurky thing in the corridors of Fanfiction.Net which has become my spiritual and virtual home. I like what I've done with the place...

I'm a big fan of Supernatural, having watched it from the very beginning and a devoted (damn near obsessive) fan of Numb3rs. My writing partner is the legendary Ayjay, who is completely bonkers in a very "Australian" kinda way and probably one of the best horror writers to come out of Sydney in a very long time. If there's any justice in the world, this woman will be an international bestseller in the same league as Stephen King. However, she has an annoying habit of prank-calling agents pretending to actually be Stephen King and is currently the subject of a protracted investigation by the Australian authorities to see if she shouldn't have a little 'cooling off time' at one of their 'guest houses'. We're two halves of the same whole and share a love of all things silly-soddery.

My husband is a wonderful, brilliant and talanted green-eyed Adonis, complete with ZZ Top beard and a downright weird sense of humour. My much missed cat killed anything with a pulse and we're overrun with bloody rabbits since he decided to move on to a better place. I love Gummi Bears, Jack Daniel's, working out, writing and Iron Maiden and I loathe liquorice and aniseed. I think rabbits are inherently evil and are the creation of Lucifer, that most people don't have a bloody clue what's going on and that writers are underrated, underpaid and under-appreciated souls adrift in the choppy waters of commercialism and general hooey, but then I would say that, wouldn't I?

Most of my writing is commercial - or writing with a small 'w'. Ya know. Web content, ghost writing for authors, advertising copy, journalism, the usual run-of-the-mill hack stuff. Hey, don't knock it - it pays the bills... The high-brow stuff I leave to those who tend to wear chiffon scalves a lot, have far too many cats and not enough friends apart from their agent who is always "an absolute daaaaaarling!" and love delving into the psyche of heaving breasted women and dark, brooding heroes. You can tell I'm not a 'Bronte' kinda gal, can't you?

However, I do have a more creative side (or writing with a capital 'W', c'mon, keep up...) which manifests itself in scriptwriting, playing sick and twisted games with the regular characters in tv shows in the form of fanfiction and honing my skills to become the next Terry Pratchett. What? The man's a GOD! I don't think that's a lowly aspiration by any stretch of the imagination, do you? I'm not saying I am the next Terry Pratchett, merely that I aspire to be like him. You can take your heaving, Bronte bosoms and...(CENSORED). I'll stick to the comedy side of things, thankyouVERYmuch.

Currently now venturing forth into the world of Numb3rs fanfiction, I fully admit to having a complete and utter fangirl crush on Colby Granger. Don't worry. My husband's fine about it. He's got the hots for Seven of Nine from Star Trek Voyager so we're evens on that front. I'm planning to take over the world by next Tuesday at the latest. No, really. I've got the fluffy white cat with the diamond collar, the underground lair made from a hollowed out volcano and henchmen coming out of my ears. Oh, hang on...Tuesday's early closing day. Arse. Okay, make that Wednesday, would ya?

I do live in a cottage in the middle of nowhere.

I have written a novel.

It didn't get published.

Bugger.

Kes

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