To all who may remember me from Quizilla; I was known as StunningEyesBlind, or Seb. Now here I am simply known as Monkey (or Carly to those who are more familiar with me).

Once upon a time, I was a damn fine writer. I had hundreds of one shots (some I have found stolen and reposted here in blatant acts of plagerism that just piss me off to no end), a few short stories, and even a couple dozen full stories. Now...I'm very much a prolific reader. A simple, humble bibliophile. Maybe one day I will edit and repost all my once wonderful works, maybe I will write new, more wonderius things, maybe I will get back my former glory of Quizilla. For now, I'm much happier letting others expand their writing expertise.

Quotes:

Without the gutter, my mind would be homeless. (that's my motto and I'm sticking to it)

I'm the type of person who would spend hours trying to drown a fish.

When my friend calls up and says "That jerk cheated on me!" There is only one thing to be known: "I am a Vegas-girl. The desert is my playground."

If a pregnant lady demands to know why you're staring, just say that you're whale watching.

Why is it that when I put a knife by my bed it's called being "paranoid", but when a man does it it's "being prepared"?

"Thundaga'd your ass, didn't I, bitch!" (this was all me! Stupid Final Fantasy Tactics and their annoying Mid-Bosses! That was cheating, damn you!)

I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

One: People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Two: People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Three: when people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damm right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
Four: when people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Five: when people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No dipshit, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the blummin' floor.
Six: People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
Seven: when something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
Eight: when people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
Nine: when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dipshit?
Ten: People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be, ears?
Eleven: when you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Twelve: People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
Thirteen: McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.
Fourteen: when you involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off
Fifteen: when you're at home and somebody calls you on your house phone and asks are you at home? Well no, dumb ass am in the local pub!!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

The person who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a woman saying "soon".

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

'oh shit your going to try and cheer me up aren't you?'

Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the hell is my ceiling?"

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whoever you're trying to hit.

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'?

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day..

In theory, everything works.

Do unto others before they do unto to you.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and yell, "Storms suck!"

Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Procrastinate NOW!

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

Don't take life too seriously; no on gets out alive.

Will temporarily rule the world, forever.

Your ridiculus little opinion has been noted.

Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

"Dear Santa, I can explain..."

I have too much blood in my alcohol system (my best bud Jaime gave me this one. Thank you, my fine furry Texan!)

It's lonely at the top... but you eat better!

If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Therapy is expensive... popping bubble wrap is cheap.

"I'm not as random as you think I salad."

Would you like a side of "epic" with that "fail"?

I hate it when the Little Voices argue with my imaginary friends.

My imaginary friend think you have serious problems.

Do NOT interrupt me when I am talking to myself.

If a turtle loses his shell is he naked... or homeless?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha... no

"Moo! I'm a fish!"

Never go to bed angry... stay awake and plot your revenge

"Sorry I'm late. I got into a fight with my rice krispies. I distinctly heard "Snap! Crackle!" and "Bring it, bitch!""

Sometimes revenge is as simple as chocolax and superglue (this one is a 100% original... from our twisted minds!)

There are three types of people you don't piss off, Custom Officials, Air Marshals, and Police Officers. Because, they say funny things like 'Cavity Search'.

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wooden shoe?

"Lycra-man!!" (This one I blame on Bethany. We were watching American Horror Story, and... well... that bondage suit... Lycra-man sounds better than RubberMan anyway)

"When the husband is away, Lycra-man will play!" (Now this was just silliness... just plain silliness.)

Q:What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to "sit in the corner"

Irish Humor:
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams."

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

What's the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third Grade

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who SAW any snakes!

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm
worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Movie/TV Quotes:
Optimus: "Bumblebee, stop lubricating the man!" (Transformers the movie)

Jayne: sees Inara lead a woman to her shuttle "I'll be in my bunk." (Firefly, ep. Idon'trememberatthemoment)

Doc: "Why, Kate, you're not wearing a bustle. How lewd!!" (Tombstone!! Doc rules!)

Cassandra: "There's only one reason Christian girls come down to Planned Parenthood."
Roland: "She's planting a pipe bomb?"
Cassandra: "Okay, two reasons." (from Saved)

Bill: "I will never understand what joy a grown man gets using a $1,000 weapon to blow the face off a cute little dear." (From Slither. I share my twins love of Nathan Fillion)

Wally: "Surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long."
Bill: "Oh, that reminds me of something I want to tell you."
Wally: "What's that?"
Bill: "Fuck you, fat ass." (From Slither)

Bill: "Shelby, you gonna create a hysteria?"
Shelby: not looking up, completely uninterested "Not today, Bill." (From Slither)

Jack: "Bitch is hardcore." (again from Slither)

Blackwolf: to Gideon "You look like a college professor." to Reid "You look like his student." to Hotch "You look like FBI." (Criminal Minds, 1.16 The Tribe)

Hotch draws his gun
Blackwolf: "Put that away."
Hotch: "What?"
Blackwolf: "You don't need it. Use your baton." Hotch exhales "There are many paths to the same place. Trust me."
Hotch: "Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie." Hotch whips out his baton (Criminal Minds, 1.16 The Tribe)

Gideon: "Children?"
Hotch: "They're fine. We got them out before they got here. We took down these four."
Reid: "Without firing a shot?"
Blackwolf: "Captain America here shot number five."
Hotch: "You're welcome." Hotch and Blackwolf pause to trade looks "Number six is cut up pretty bad, I don't think he's gonna make it."
Blackwolf: "At least I didn't shoot him."
Morgan: "Think I'd rather be shot."
Hotch: "There's an old Apache saying: 'You can take many paths to get to the same place.'" Blackwolf smirks as Hotch walks off (Criminal Minds, 1.16 The Tribe)

Hotch, JJ and Reid are talking to Garcia via phone
Reid: "Thank you, Garcia."
Garcia: "You, my fine furry friends, are welcome!" Hangs up
Hotch: looking out the window "Remind me to have her drug tested." (Criminal Minds, 4.4 Paradise)

JJ: "If anything happens to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy makes it into Yale."
Reid: to baby Henry "Yale, Henry? You want to go to Yale? That was your godfather's safety school. Don't worry, I can get you into CalTech with one phone call." (Criminal Minds, 4.7 Memorium)

Okay, I'm just going to say this cuz I can't stand it anymore! I am a twin, and it is something I am proud of. I have an identical twin sister, and being on fanfiction.net I have learned that there are many out there that approve -and even enjoy!- writing fanfiction that includes incest and something called "twincest". I speak for myself, but I hope other twins out there agree with me, that this form of fanfiction is disgusting and offensive. Now, those authors of such fanfiction I hold nothing against, but unless they are, themselves, twins then they cannot hope to understand whatever bond a twin holds with their other half. And I mean this in a completely innocent way, though some sick person out there may misunderstand the bond a twin shares with their fraternal -or identical in my case- sibling.
If there are other twins out there that agree with me, then please, copy and paste this to your profile and add your name below. Of course changing the "identical" for "fraternal" in the above statement as the term applies, as well as whether you have a twin bro or sis.
EternityInYourArms; Something-TheMonkey;

My faith:Jesus
Jesus had no servants, yet they called him master...
He had no degree, yet they called him teacher...
He had no medicine, yet they call him healer...
He had no army, yet the kings feared him...
He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world...
He committed no crime, yet they crucified him...
He was buried in a tomb, yet he lives today...
Feel honored to serve such a leader who loves us...
If you believe in God and Jesus Christ his son
then copy and paste this into your profile
If you ignore him in the holy Bible he says
"If you deny me before man, i will deny you before my Father in heaven."

(You know, I share my twins sentiments on this subject. I'm far from perfect -as Bethany happily points out often- but that doesn't mean that I'm anything less than what I am. Worry about your own "fire and damnation" and I'll see to mine... so nyah!)

Copy and paste this into your profile if when you were young... There were only 150 Pokemon. Digimon was popular. Yugi-Oh actually had Yugi in it. You didn’t get weird looks when you went Trick-or-Treating. Nobody cared what you looked like. Hamtaro ROCKED. Catching a pidgeon was cool. Pirates before Pirates of the Caribbean. Nobody knew how to spell 'Volcano'. Pinky and the brain were cartoon characters, not body parts. Saying 'moron' was a swear word. Fire was considered dangerous. The only thing you had to worry about were cooties. Cursive writing was just a bunch of swirly lines. Multiplication was scary. Dora the Explorer and that damned monkey who follows her EVERYWHERE didn't exist. The first Harry Potter was the coolest thing since sliced bread.