i'm not going to tell you my name because i am smart but you can call me lea

Some things about me: i am 300 years old. i have no hair and my eyes are orange. i live on southern mars and enjoy vacationing in the land of the bunnies. my favorite pastimes are walking on water, flying, reading minds, being cynical, and annoying the heck out of my friends.

Some of my favorite books are Graceling, Revolution, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Gathering, Faerie wars, and many many more.

now i will stop talking about me because i know that the only reason you are here is to look for things to copy and paste. if you are here to read about me then you are a stalker. yay for you, join the club! :)

RANDOM STUFF

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile

If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile

If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy this into your profile

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

98 of teenagers do drugs, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels.

If you've ever read/started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

if there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile

if you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile (my friends dad called me weird once.)

A friend will comfort you when he rejects you, Best Friend well go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A friend will be there for you when he dumps you, Best Friend will call him and whisper "Seven days..."

A friend will help you up when you fall, Best Friend will laugh because she tripped me.

A friend helps you find you're prince charming; Best Friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A friend gives you there umbrella in the rain; Best Friend takes yours and runs away.

A friend helps you move, Best Friend helps you move the bodies

A friend well bail you out of jail, Best Friend is sitting next to you saying "That was Awesome!! Let’s do it again!!"

A friend knows a lot of things about you; Best Friend could right a very embarrassing biography of your live.

A friend will teach me how to drive; Best Friend will help me push the car in the lake so I can collect insurance.

A friend will go to the concert with me; Best Friend will kidnap the band with me.

A friend will hide me from the cops; Best Friend is the reason there after me.

A friend will let me make a fool of myself in public, Best Friend is making a fool of herself next to me.

Friends Fade, Best Friends are forever.

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend than copy this to your profile. (all of my friends are insane)

If you rearrange the following words, you'll find that the same letters spell the given definition. Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.

Dormitory: Dirty room

Astronomer: Moon starrer

George Bush: He bugs Gore

The eyes: They see

Slot machine: Cash lost in me

Desperation: A rope ends it

Presbyterian: Best in prayer

Election results: Lies! Let's recount

Snooze alarm: Alas! No more zest

Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one

Mother in law: Woman Hitler

The Morse code: Here come dots

A decimal point: I'm a dot in place

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And yet you have the nerve to call me colored"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Copy this onto your profile and help stop racism (I might be white, but I love this. It's awesome.)

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die without you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

15 Things to do when you're in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, Go!"

WHAT TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAYS:

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.
39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if heshe did it.
42. Dress like the professor.
44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

WEIRD STUFF THAT MAKES YOU THINK...

The toothfairy teaches kids it's okay to sell body parts.

Santa teaches you that it's okay to break into houses as long as you bring presents.

Show me a girl with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show some one who can't put her pants on

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.

Backstabbing is fun... the look on your face is priceless

Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it

I snap crackle and pop rice krispies.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Workin' hard or hardly workin'?

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I believe 'die bitch' conveys my feelings properly

I say we shoot Cupid and see how he likes it.

I believe that dragons unicorns and sporks do exsist.

The first time I was chatting with someone online, they asked me "asl?" I tried to sound it out and got realy ticked of and started warning them because I thought they were calling me an asshole.

Behold the mighty...chihuahua?

When you look at the sky do you see a cloud or a dinosaur in a tutu?

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.

Snot is brain juice leaking out of your nose.

If you're really my friend, I'll probably make jabs at you. It's all in good fun. But don't confuse jabs with insults. Insults involve actual dislike.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies." (TOO FREAKING TRUE!)

"He who laughs last thinks slowest and he who laughs first doesn't get it."

"Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought"

"Welcome to the Ool. There's no "p" in it, lets keep it that way." (Lol...)

Every time a guy ignores me, I know it’s just because he’s a vampire in love with me, and he is too polite to drink my blood.

Did you know that they have Bill Nye the Science Guy under T.V. shows and that ten people have written stories for it?

What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.

I'm an optimistic pessimist.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Your multiple personalities are freaking out my imaginary friend!

It takes 48 muslces to frown but only 14 to flip some one off.

I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.

I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive.

I'm the kinda girl who always falls for the sidekick, always.

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Parents spend the first half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Who ever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried to slam a revolving door.

(Like you don’t gasp every time you see a silver Volvo.)

I wish my lawn was emo... then it could cut itself.

Strangers have the best candy.

You stare because I’m different...(0.0) ('.') ('.') ('.')I stare because you're all the same.

Free hugs.

Your epidermus is showing!

I do what ever my rice Krispes tell me to.

You dropped your pocket.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.

Its all gouda.

I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his 'time of the month'.

My imaginary friends are jealous of my voices.

When Edward goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Harry Potter.

You cry. I cry. You laugh. I laugh. You jump off a bridge. I laugh.

I'm not fat. I'm just short for my weight.

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Your chances of being struck by lightning go up if you stand on a hill beneath a tree raise your fist to the sky and shout, 'Storms Suck!'

'We're gonna kick Luke and Titian ass.' 'What? Luke has a tight ass?'

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history

Can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye.

Your year book picture still haunts me.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.

Don't try to out-weird me-- I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast ceral.

Don't you look at me with that tone of voice.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Shakespear must have had a lot of one-night-stands because anyone who can make suicide romantic had to be a smooth talker.

Love can be soo boring

Many a grandchild was spoiled because you simply cannot spank Grandpa.

Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Ahh pure love (smiles wistfully) It makes me sick.

You're a special kind of stupid aren't you?

Fanfictions aren't everything... but they're right up there with oxygen.

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Colin.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

You say crazy like it's a bad thing...

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

They laugh because we're losers...We laugh because they just figured it out.

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

(said during baseball game) Anything going that fast should have seatbelts and a flight attendant

Stop with your premeditated spontaneity.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit.

If it wasnt for physics and law inforcement I'd be unstoppable.

How come we drive on a parkway and park on a drive way?

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A computer password is like a toothbrush: Change it every six months and don't share with anyone else

On the down side I now am registered for things I don't want to be and I find my self paying for things I didn't buy and the up side I won Aol's most creative password

I trippped over a wireless phone

Remember students, all Voldemort really needs is a hug.

They say ignorance is bliss; I would rather be blissfully ignorant then know THAT.

Never say 'things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge

The world is big enough for Werewolves AND Wizards.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

Why are the Force and duct tape the same? Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.

People say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I'm easily distrac- Look, shiny!!

Emily is not the wolf girl. I am.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I'm a big fan of letting my imagination run wild. There's always a chance it won't come back, but it always has, and usually with an odd scent attached to it.

If you're looking for sympathy, it's right between 'shit' and 'syphilis' in the dictionary.

I will temporarily rule the world, forever.

Aww heck no, I didn't kill him.

Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I am proven horribly wrong.

Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

If life gives you lemons, throw them back at the jerk who gave 'em to ya and demand chocolate.

In an average room there are about, 120,496 objects a Ravenclaw can use to kill you. Including the room itself.

I have the kind of friends that if my house was burning down, they'd be there making S'mores and hitting on hot firemen.

Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is that frisbee getting bigger?'... then it hits me

I wanted to be a warrior like you, not a damsel in this dress.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork."

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!

So what if we act like imature idiots? We're having fun.

If you cry, I cry. If you laugh, I laugh. If you fight, I got your back. If you trip, I'll catch you when you fall. If you jump off a bridge... Oh heck ,wait for me!"

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

If I asked for your oppinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.

I am a peaceful person that is filled with violent rage.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends. (Too. Freaking. True.)

I know at least one person who would love to push me down the stairs

Music is my boyfriend.

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh,he just took a wrong turn,got lost,and is to stubborn to ask directions.

I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.

Fanfiction...Beacuse it's cheaper then therapy.

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Ohh look its a bird, it's a plane, it's... an egg salad sandwich

Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that's weird.

Whoever said "Nothing's impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door. (Or nailing jelly to the wall)

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die, and your mom say you can still keep it.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

I'm so gangsta, I carry a squirt gun.

Anyone can reach the stars. If you can't reach them, catch one that falls.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up. (Soooo true)

Palm Reader: -gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train. (No. The light at the end of the tunnel is a reminder of why the hell you're in a tunnel)

If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity?... I think I lost it.

Do not attempt to follow my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls. (...Yeah, taht pretty much describes me.)

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You can't spell awesome without ME!

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

'If you are first you are first. If you are second you are not in first.' (Really? I didn't know that.)

I was normal before I met you!

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.(Why do all the good jokes have to be so funny, yet so wrong?)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I say, when life gives you lemons, make apple juice and laugh at the looks people give you.

'I'm not moving backwards, I'm just moving forwards in another direction.' (Haha. That's technically true.)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my roof!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Wrinkles merely show where smiles have been.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

If I went to Hogwarts, and got sent to Dumbledore's office, I would so skip down the hallway and sing, 'I'm off to see the wizard...' LOL!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties.

"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."

"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."

You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, bitch.

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit just a little bit harder.

Every time you open your mouth, you get in trouble. Alternatively, just stick up your middle finger under the table.

I have reviews from teens and you don't. In your FACE James Patterson.

There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.

Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.

Growing older is manditory. Growing up is optional.

When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.

You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never had.

Yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet.

"We may not make good decisions But hell, we make good stories."

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "

"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth! "

"Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face, when you push them down a flight of stairs. "

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.""

Whenever I Fill Out An application in the part that says:"If an emergancy who to contact I put "DOCTOR" whats my mother going to do?

You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?"

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?"

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it."

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

PROOF THAT THE HUMAN RACE HAS REACHED IT'S LIMITS OF EVOLUTION:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (I don't think that's what you have to worry about. It's when it comes out cold that you need to worry.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...raise your hand if you've tried this)

pass the ribbon around if you know someone that has survived, DIED, or is living with cancer.