I am a 77-year-old bearded miner who lives in a run-down bungalo by the river. I spend my days searching for gold and saying "Aldis taime in the C-sawn we gots to chauffeur it misery. NEVERMIND!"

I often say "Weejus- noyauh- nuyuyuwen-eekhaw-haiyoh-nuyoyonen-Weejus-noyoh." You're not cool enough to know what it means.

There's a peculiar effect around me. Everywhere I go, brothers on bicycles need to check their whereabouts.

I hate OCs with the passion of a thousand Sneffs.