Really Dumb Store labels:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Anyone who says nothings imposible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

This is about abortion...I HATE abortion! Say that's okay, and you're saying it's okay to murder people! (Small people, but still people.)

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine, but i will have a lot of it
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this.

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on
the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sht out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat
it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown.

The University professor challenged his students with this question: "Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" the professor asked.

"Yes sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth. Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question, professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir; darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton 's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of Darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down totally deflated.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

Artemis Fowl away messages (from AFF site):

BRB. There’s a shimmering spot in the air behind my right shoulder. Uh oh...

I do not have the time for these foolish “chats.” I have fairy gold to steal.

At the risk of sounding clichéd, BRB.

I’m away. Leave me alone before Butler makes you.

Busy yelling at the waitress who offered me the children’s menu.

Away trying to capture the yet again escaped Opal Koboi.

I predict I will be back. Trust me, I haven’t been wrong yet.

Trying to prove that my bugs don’t have bugs.

Trapped in the Operation Booth. SOMEONE GET ME OUT!

Away making a sandwich. It’s more difficult than it looks. ~Artemis Fowl

On Strike because nobody appreciates my extremely unique and helpful inventions.

I’m not here right now, but as Holly says, “I knew he’d be back. I knew it.”

“They accused me of murdering Julius. How can I stay? Don’t worry, old friend. I won’t be far away.”

“Busy. Currently kidnapping an elf.”

“Do not disturb. We have a serious situation above ground. First, I would like you all to stop all your yapping so I can hear myself think!”

“BRB. Off to grab some caviar. You can’t believe the stuff they feed us in Bartleby’s.”

I’m away, but be warned, Foaly sees all.

CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.

Don't knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends; if it's not them, it's you.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my water!

When life gives you lemons, make grapefruit juice, and let life wonder how the heck you did that!

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind. (... so THAT's why I'm crazy.. ohhh)

Silent is golden but duct tape is silver

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

If God had intended for Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (hmm, I wonder. . . )

THE BELL
I KNOW WHO I AM
I am God's child (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend (John 15:15 )
I am united with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17)
I am bought with a price (1 Cor 6:19-20)
I am a saint (set apart for God). (Eph. 1:1)
I am a personal witness of Christ. (Acts 1:8)
I am the salt & light of the earth (Matt 5:13-14)
I am a member of the body of Christ (1 Cor 12:27)
I am free forever from condemnation ( Rom. 8:1-2)
I am a citizen of Heaven. I am significant (Phil 3:20)
I am free from any charge against me (Rom. 8:31 -34)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God (2 Cor 5:17-21)
I have access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph. 2:18)
I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Eph. 2:6)
I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom 8:35-39)
I am established, anointed, sealed by God (2 Cor 1:21-22)
I am assured all things work together for good (Rom. 8:28)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph. 3:12)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
I am the branch of the true vine , a channel of His life (John 15:1-5)
I am God's temple (1 Cor. 3:16). I am complete in Christ (Col. 2:10)
I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3). I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
I am God's co-worker (1 Cor. 3:9; 2 Cor 6:1). I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10)
I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected. (Phil. 1:5)
I have been redeemed and forgiven (Col 1:14). I have been adopted as God's child (Eph 1:5)
I belong to God
Do you know
Who you are!?
Keep this bell ringing...pass it on
'The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you
And be gracious to you;
The LORD turn His face toward you
And give you peace..'