Hey,

I'm currently working on four stories for Harry Potter and Twilight.

My main story is for Harry Potter and I want it done before I share it.

When I'm finished, in whoever knows how long, I'll start posting chapters.

I am picky about grammar, spelling and being realistic (as much as magic and vampirism can be).

If you visit later on, I might have something for you to read other than my favorites!

Thanks.

COMEBACKS to crappy pickup lines!

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times — don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait that long?)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(Alcohol lasts longer and is cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection.)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect.)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money.)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Starting them is much more fun.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(Just take the whole day off.)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more.)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(Like Nike says, just do it.)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(Just leave them in the middle.)

Ways to make sure you're insane:

- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

- Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

- Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.

- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

- Sing along at the opera.

- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I WON! I WON!"

- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives!They're loose!!"

Why America has some issues...

1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America are there people who leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America are there people who use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America are there people who buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America are there people who use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America are there people who have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

I LOVE RAINY DAYS.

THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ELSE SEEM BRIGHTER.