"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"I ate dirt as a baby, I did it for the flavor, in a couple years I'll let the dirt return the favor."

"We interrupt this program to annoy you, and to make things generally irritating"

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

"Dude. Your mom is a total MILF"

“When in doubt, poke it with a stick - it’s the Commando way."

"Sex offender?! My sex is hardly offensive! I'd even say it's family friendly!"

"I give you boobs, you give me friend."

"No, no, shhhhh. Don’t speak. If you must speak, whisper. As in a church. Yes, that’s it. Very good. Now hand me the lube please." - Mirith Griffin (Tenacious)

"You said you were hot for me. That totally turned me on."

"At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet."

"You know what sucks about being atheist? No one to talk to during sex."

"I just want to yell about how much I love penis Friday."

"Guys, I found Jesus. Turns out he was in the kitchen the whole time."

"There you go again, passing out molestations out like handshakes."

"Misery did not just enjoy her company; she raped them savagely."

"Imagine being up to your balls in THAT."

"When Life knocks you down, Get right back up and tell it "You hit like a bitch."

"I liked you better when you were naked"

"An Epiphany is Just a Fancy Way of Realizing You’re an Idiot"

"'Another conquest'? What am I gonna do, plant a flag on her ass and claim it in the name of my wang?"

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner."

"MORNING WOOD IS NOT A VOLUNTARY REACTION!"

"There's SEX. In My ROOM!"

"There's SEX. In My ROOM. AGAIN!!!"

Well, now that's been taken care of, next time you pop in, feel free to come without your pants.

Tootles!