OMG ARE YOU REALLY VISITING MY PROFILE. I NEVER GET VISITORS!! Random person:and this is why. Me:HEY WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

If you are a member of the unofficial Emmett Cullen Fangirl Club, copy and paste this into your profile.-Screw Edward, Emmett is hot!

Emmet Cullen: Stronger Than You since 1915

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies since 1843

Alice Cullen: Quirkier than You since 1901

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You since 1915

Edward Cullen:Hotter Than You since 1901

IN MY HEAD:

Alice and Bella are my BFF's

Emmett is my BF

Jasper and Edward are my Brothers

Rose and Nessie are my Sisters

And Jacob,

Jacob is here for when I get cold :p

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Smiles evilly)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (It’s their fault in the first place. I'll use that excuse.)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (It’s their fault in the first place.)

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. (I bet on it!)

I never pirated it...it was donated. By the file fairy. I put a blank CD under my pillow at night... and voila! (She also did this for all my other pirated CD’s. I’m innocent!)

When I hear somebody say "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?" (Death?)

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. (Now this is very trueevil laughter)

My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem... (We both agree on it.)

There is nothing more depressing than a hollow chocolate bunny. (Where’s all the chocolate?! I spent all those money on… nothing!?)

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. (Hours later…)

When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes. (Take that! I hope you go blind!)

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. (Catchy…)

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face. (…)

The harder you try, the dumber you look.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet, you are alone. So very alone... (Hello… lo… lo… lo… echo… echo…)

Smile at people you don’t like, it makes them wonder what you did... (Mwahaha)

I'm not random; I just have many tho- OOH A SQUIRREL! (??)

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil. (Loser.)

An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. (Unless it’s Carlisle. Who would want to hit him?? A psycho, maybe.)

BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom. (My mom just shook her head and took away my HP books.)

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS. (Yum. barf)

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss. (And break some bones in the progress…)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. (I agree.)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Take that, lousy piece of junk!)

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. (YOU’RE EXPELLED!!)

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (Temptation… hmm… Oh right! I need to take a left in Robbingsville… then a right… At last! Temptation, come to mama!)

Hand over the chocolate or I will sing. (glass shatters)

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. (CRASH!)

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. (Beep beep!)

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. (No one’s looking… okay, now’s a good time to spill my Coke.)

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? (Yeah! I second that!)

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!(Well now I'm convinced, have a nice evening.)

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. (You should be thanking me for my generosity instead!)

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. (Hmph.)

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff… (I dare you follow me…)

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me? (Yeah right! I challenge him this instant!)

It's all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack. (Eek! It just stole my banana!)

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. (What the hell? Something’s up…)

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. (Groan.)

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that. (You souls gget off my lawn!)

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust? (Me. Yes, I only trust me, which is why I’ talking to myself.)

You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, loser! (Evil laughter)

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. (Yep.)

If you get scared at a movie, just throw candy at the people sitting in front of you. (That way, they’ll get mad at you, and you’ll have another thing to be scared of.)

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. (How could parents let their children watch a show starring a murderer?)

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women. (Yeah!)

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't. (Weird...)

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? (Dear murderer, please don’t kill me. Sincerely, me. That’s stupid.)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.(My grandpa says that all the time.)

Don't mess with me I've got a stick.(And I'm not afraid to use it.)

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. (I do this all the time and people look at me funny.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Yay! Now that is a cooler form of exercise!)

People who act friendly have an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination. (Raise your hand if this applies to you. raises hand)

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat.

This is keep cat.

This is a cat.

This is retard cat.

This is busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat.

This is seconds cat.

Now read the THIRD word of ever line.

(The sad thing is I did this. And I made sure to read it slow so I didnt miss the joke.)