Brocky

Thus the reason I believe that fiction, and fanfiction, are important. Humans need someone to relate to: someone or something to believe in. Why can it not be someone fictional? the world does not need to revolve around the world. The world needs to revolve around our minds. The part of our minds that yearn to grow and to be free. The part of our minds that want - no, need - to be understood and respected and loved. Sometimes, character's that are written by the mind of someone that understands this can create someone that people around the world can latch onto. And that, my dear readers, is why writing will always be one of my favorite hobbies and my forever obsession.

I am a book freak, yes.

So what?

While I hole myself up in a good story,

you're off frying your brains.

While I lose myself in unknown worlds,

you're off playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft.

While I learn things you cannot imagine,

you're off failing school and your teachers and family.

I know more about some characters than I do myself— characters you will never know.

I can survive my whole life in a world— a world you will never see.

I know the secrets of people, places, and creatures— all of which you will never meet.

I could ruin your life, if I had the heart to and if you and I were in one of the worlds I know— and you would never tell the difference.

I create worlds, people, creatures, but most of all lives with my words that you call another boring subject— something you will never experience the joy and pride of.

I have ridden on dragons, outwitted darkness, eluded death a thousand times . . .

I have saved lives, used magic, unraveled deathly secrets that could start wars . . .

I have swum with the serpents, flown with the pegasi, howled with the wolves . . .

I have stood upon the moon, fought in great battles, discovered new universes . . .

I have relived long-gone lives, shaped new destinies, guided the paths of others . . .

I have stepped into other worlds, become other creatures, experienced unimaginable things . . .

I have lived through wars, living nightmares, the worst of tragedies . . .

I have felt the joy, pride, and elation of just—knowing.

Knowing the fact that you would never learn what I have.

And never have I moved a single inch, as long as I read.

I have travelled universes while sitting in a corner with a book

For you one glance is what it took

To say it was useless and stupid

But you can never experience time travel or falling again and again,

You can never live a life of the first daughter who hates it or experience victory over dictators,

And other things I have,

Yet you claim that all of this is boring— Boring, stupid, sad, uncool, dumb, even embarrassing.

You say that this is something no one can like.

And yet, here I stand, holding a book.

Strangers stab you in the front.
Friends stab you in the back.
Boyfriends stab you in the heart.
Best friends poke you with straws.

I wish people would pay attention to me and try to understand me and what I'm saying. People want to know what's wrong with me, yet when I try to tell them - they don't pay attention! I try to reach out to people, I try to talk to them, but they never listen. So I give up. After a while of them not giving a damn, you don't have the energy to try and get them to look at you - actually look at you. So never think I always give up, I just always waste my energy on people who don't pay attention and I end up losing the strength to try anything else. So don't ever blame me for the way I turned out, how screwed up I am, cause it's not my fault...

Sometimes I keep my feelings to myself because it's hard for someone else to understand them. You hurt me, are you happy now? I don't want to die; I just want to disappear, like I was never here in the first place. You can't cry when you're already empty. I feel so tired, I don't wanna be me anymore. The possibility of a physical and mental collapse is now very real. What if what YOU thought was love, wasn't enough? I didn't ask to be like this. Sick of crying, tired of trying - yes, I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying. That moment when you burst out crying in your room and you realise that no one knows how unhappy you are. I wake up every morning wishing I didn't. You don't understand how much I hate myself. Wake up, pretend I'm ok, sleep, repeat. I don't want to feel like this anymore. There's no point anymore. She cried, she wanted to die, "I'm fine.", she lied. If it stopped, would you miss me? Just because I'm strong enough to handle pain, doesn't mean I deserve it. I wish I could be a better me. It hurts knowing you tried doing your best, and it still wasn't good enough. If you feel that the person you love doesn't love you, you're probably right - cause if they do, there's no way they would let you think that way. I'm sorry mum, for not being the perfect daughter you've always wanted. If you have to ask if somebody's alright or ok or fine, then no matter what they say, they're not! Suicide isn't cowardly, I'll tell you what is though; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives. One day, I will never wake up and I will finally be happy. Depression is like a war, you either win or die trying. I wish I could die in an accident, then no one would blame themselves for something I've wanted all along. Never underestimate how much pain someone has to be in to put a razor to their wrist, a finger to their throat, a gun to their head or a pen to 'that' note. I've been let down so many times that I've learned to expect the worst, so I won't be disappointed. I can fake a smile any day, anytime. I'm the girl that talks others out of suicide but has a hard time doing the same for herself, she assures everyone how beautiful life is because she doesn't want them to feel the way she does. I'm not ok, I'm just good at pretending I am. They don't see what hurts you until it kills you. If this is how my life's gonna be, I don't want it anymore. Suicide is man's way of telling god, "You can't fire me - I quit!". Whatever doesn't kill you is gonna leave a scar. The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal. How did I go from that little 5 year old, always happy and laughing... to this? She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle. She was tired, physically and mentally, she wanted to close her eyes and never open them again. Depression isn't an act, eating disorders aren't phases, suicide isn't a coward's escape, homosexuality isn't a disease, self harming isn't a cry for attention - stop acting like you know everything. I've told a few people how I feel; they told me to tell them every time I feel down, but I can't text them everyday - it's not fair on them. Sometimes it's easier to pretend not to care, then to admit it's killing you. When you're not necessarily sad but just really empty. I'm tired of fighting, for once I want to be fought for. We stopped checking for monsters under the bed when we realised they were inside of us. Congratulations! You made me feel worthless again, would you like an award for that? I feel like I don't have the right to be depressed when so many people have it worse. Hangman is great, it teaches you that by saying the wrong thing you could end someone's life. No one cares unless you're pretty or dying. That's what happens, you let people in and they destroy you. I keep it all inside because I'd rather the pain destroy me than everyone else. People cry, not because they're weak but because they've been strong for too long. If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you'd never be able to look me in the eye again. Stop asking if I'm ok, I'm tired of lying. I suppose I love my scars because they've stayed with me longer than most people have. I'm afraid to be happy, because when I'm happy something bad always seems to happen. I hate those moments when I'm done crying and I just sit there emotionless. It's scary what a smile can hide. I miss the old, happy me. Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finally say "I'm used to it". I feel like I bother people just by being alive. I want you to know but I don't want to tell you. I say 'sorry' a lot, mostly because I feel like everything is my fault. She built up a world of magic because her real life was tragic. I need to stop letting myself get emotionally attached to people, because it never works out. I used to be emotionally attached and care about people, it's been so long that I've had to repress and hide my feelings that I don't even remember how to be that way again. All it takes is a beautiful smile to hide the injured soul and they'll never notice how broken you really are. I really want to be happy, but there's something inside me that says "You don't deserve it!". I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead. Go on, give up on me - I've given upon me, too. Faking a smile is easier than saying why you are sad. Things are kinda falling apart and so am I. I wanted to talk about it, damn it, I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, I wanted to shout about it - but all I could do was whisper "I'm fine". It hurts but that's ok, I'm use to it. Deep inside where nothing's fine, I've lost my mind. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore. I'm slowly giving up. Oh, please don't pretend like you actually care. Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. No one really cares until something dramatic happens. Maybe death hurts less than life.

My music will tell you more about me than I ever will. Music always helps no matter what you're going through. Music helps me escape from the reality I live in. "Someone once asked 'Why do you love music so much?' I replied: 'Because it's the only thing that stays when everything and everyone is gone'". Behind every favourite song, there is an untold story. Music is basically the only thing that understands me. I like my music's volume high enough to not hear you. I can't go a day without listening to my music. Music only makes me stronger. Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. I like my music so loud I can't hear my thoughts. Music is my painkiller. One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. You can tell a lot about my moods from my music, so instead of asking if I'm ok - ask me what song I'm listening to. Music gets me through everything. Without music, car rides would be really awkward. As soon as I listen to music, I ignore everything and everyone around me. And if the music is good, you dance. Music is enough for a lifetime but a lifetime isn't enough for music. People have the ability to destroy lives, music has the ability to save them. We're just sad kids, who put all of our hope in the fact that putting our headphones in makes us feel like we're not alone. Some days I need music and some days I need the lyrics. When you're happy you enjoy the music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics. If music is a disease, I promise I'm infected. Hey music, thanks for the therapy.

I wish I knew what it was like to walk past a mirror every day and not hate the reflection I see
I wish I knew how it felt to wake up in the morning not hoping the day would already be over before it even had the chance to begin
I wish I could go a day where the smile on my face wasn't just a fake
I wish I could take a pencil and erase all of the scars on my skin
I wish I wasn't just a burden to everyone I know ...
I wish I knew what happiness felt like, even if it were just for a moment
I wish my thoughts would release their grip from my throat, I'm choking
I wish I had even a speck of self worth
I wish I didn't feel worthless, angry or empty
I wish I wasn't drowning

A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will hand you a Kleenex and ask you “Who do I have to kill?”
A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
A good friend convinces you not to jump off the cliff. A best friend hugs you "Goodbye, I'll miss you. Can I have your I-pod?"

FRIENDS: Will help me find my way when I'm lost. BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions
FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive. BEST FRIENDS: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.
FRIENDS: Will help me up when I fall down. BEST FRIENDS: Will point and laugh because she tripped me.
FRIENDS: Will go to a concert with me. BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap the band with me.
FRIENDS: Hide me from the cops. BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they’re after me in the first place.
FRIENDS: Lets me make an idiot of myself in public. BEST FRIENDS: Are up there with me making an idiot out of themselves too.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. I would be a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" 98% of teens would be dead if Twilight said breathing wasn't cool. I'm the 2% who would be laughing. I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on facebook, or talking to a girlfriend on a phone. I am the girl that has stopped to jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things.

Once you've grown up you can't come back. Cause we're all just kids who grew up way too fast. The hardest part about growing up is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you're not. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Don't grow up, it's a trap! Now you understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up. Being an adult is the dumbest thing I'll ever have to do.

I am too emotionally attached to fictional characters. I love you, but it's a shame you don't exist. Leave me alone to mourn the loss of a fictional character. So what are you doing? Having very nonfictional feelings about fictional characters... I mean reading. If I had a dollar for every time I felt more emotion for a fictional character than people in real life, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need. That moment when you finish a book, look around and realise everyone is just carrying on with their lives... as though you didn't just experience emotional trauma at the hands of a paperback. Here's to the people that use fictional characters as a way of coping, here's to the people that stay up late crying to their favourite characters, here's to the people that imagine their favourite character by their side when they're experiencing bad anxiety, here's to the people that need works of fiction to survive. She buried herself in books because it was easier to fall in love with fictional characters than it is to deal with real ones. When reading we don't fall in love with the characters' appearance, we fall in love with their words, thoughts and hearts, we fall in love with their souls. Look me in the eyes and tell me that if the character you hold near and dear to your heart knocked on your window in the middle of the night and said "drop everything and come with me" you wouldn't do it, you know you freaking would. My shows and books are an instant mood adjuster, they're my drug of choice and the fictional characters I love are like my friends. You can have a very intense relationship with fictional characters because they are in your own head. There are certain fictional character's deaths you will never recover from, Ever! That moment when a fictional character dies and your whole life doesn't make sense anymore. I don't want my fictional characters to be real, I want to be in their fictional world with them. I get absolutely and undeniably attached to book characters to the point where I cry and laugh with them, and physically miss them when I finish reading the book.

I'm curious. What happened to that little girl? The little girl I used to be. The one that smiled, danced, sang whenever and wherever or would even run around with her best friend like a lunatic. What happened to her? Was she ever here to begin with? Because as far as I can remember, I was never completely happy. I see all these old photos of me, smiling wide, and I just think "Why am I smiling? What the hell could of made me smile like that?". Because I don't have many reasons to smile like that anymore. I've grown up, gotten pushed around, lied my way through my day, pretended to like people so I wouldn't get harassed, bit me tongue so I wouldn't get yelled at... And yet, none of it ever really works. I'm not as happy as my sister, am I mum? I'm not as smart as the other kids, am I teacher? I talk about killing myself too much, don't I dad? Yet you never try to help me with my problems. I honestly can't find the will to get up, "Stop being lazy!". I can't breathe, I'm panicking too much, "Don't be a baby. Suck it up!". I don't wanna go to school, I feel like everything there (the people, the subjects) will kill me, "Stop making excuses, get to school!". I feel like I wanna die, "Stop being dramatic!". I can't do this anymore, "Can't do what anymore?". Please make it stop, "Make what stop?". I felt the need, at some point in life, to hide who I was, my personality, and now when I honestly try to act like myself, I can't. I got so used to "Nobody wants to talk to you". I was mature way to early, I didn't get to act like a kid. I got so used to taking care of myself, that you weren't there to take care of me, that now when you want me to talk to you about my problems, I can't. I filled your space with fictional characters, that I would honestly rather them than you, my own parents. I can see the beauty in every story, every character, but I can't see any in myself. It's not like you ever told me there was, and when you started to... I already hated anything that dragged attention to me, I'd rather stay silent in a corner with my books and music. The moments that are harder and I honestly worry about how bad I seem to be, I came to talk to you. You told me to go away or be quiet, you were usually either helping my siblings or watching tv. If you ever see this, which I doubt, I want you to know I'm honestly worried about my mental health. I think it's gone and that terrifies me. I feel like dead weight, I feel empty. And I just want you to know that I really needed your help, and you never came to help, neither of you two. And I'm sorry but your both a reason why I don't want to be here anymore, along with a few other people, and I just wanted to say, "You lead a girl to the edge, might as well just push her off". What happened to that little girl? The one you want me to be mum. I can tell you she's dead, has been for a while, but why didn't you try to save her? As much as I hate her, even I was worried about her. So why weren't you?

Brocky