If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them taste like meat

The average woman will pick beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think

It takes 46 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 to flip 'em the bird

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did- not screaming like the passengers in the car

Behind every man's success is a surprised woman

If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

"Has there been any insanity in your family?" "Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

"Why did you throw the chair at your husband?" "I couldn't lift the table."

There should be a better way to start the day than waking up every morning

82.6 of all statistics are wrong

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you

I can't remember the last time I forgot something

Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Consciousness; that annoying time between naps

There are three types of people; those can count, and those who can't

Eat right, stay fit, die anyway

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

This statement is false

Honk if you like peace and quiet

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR

Fight crime! Shoot back!

Time flies like arrows, fruit flies like bananas

I sopourt publik edjucatshun

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

It's bad luck to be superstitious

A bus station is where the bus stops; a train staton is where the train stops; on my desk, I have a work station

If Fed EX and UPS were to merge, would they be Fed UP?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

This isn't an office, this is hell with fluorescent lighting

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup

Not all men are annoying, some are dead

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to ME

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

I doubt, therefore I might be

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, Deal with it

Practice safe eating- always use a condiment

Hangover is the wrath of grapes

BUMPER STICKERS:

Stop following me!

I may be slow, but I'm infront of you!

All men are idiots and I married their king

Boldly going nowhere

Horn broken; watch for finger

This would be really funny if this wasn't happening to me

Honk if anything falls off

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!